It's most likely going to be by the end of this month, less than 3 weeks away when W and I part in different directions. I insist that she moves out but although she recognizes that that's the right option she doesn't want to do it. We'll have lunch in one week (17th) to define this and other issues re: separation.<P>As we approach the end of May I feel more and more uneasy, I find it hard to concentrate on my work and pendings are accumulating on my desk, the computers (home & office) and my agenda. I forget things (like paying Amex on time a few days ago), feel lonely and yet don't feel like seeing anybody. I have gone out and the other night I even walk out of a singles bar with someone (didn't even try anything) but always feel empty.<P>Did you feel this way around the date when you separated or divorced? Need some input, please.<P>ALEX<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

The short answer is yes.<P>I am a graduate student at a major research university. My program is pretty small (admit only 6 per year) and selective.<P>I am now 4 classes behind. The professors are understanding, but for how long?<P>I find myself with really big time wasters. Play video games on the 'puter rather than do work. Pay bills late. All those things you are going through. Just try to make it day by day.<P>I am waiting for the final trial date. Wife's lawyer is an idiot. Here it is two months after the temp custody hearing, and he hasn't filed any papers yet. Maybe because she's not paying him? I don't know.<P>I gave her a chance to postpone the divorce so we could work on the marriage, but she declined. Oh well, her loss.<P>I wish I could say that it gets better. So far for me it hasn't. Hope it does for you.

Is it typical? I'd say yes. I am normally a very together person, but I have also paid bills late, done much worse on tests (I am a student too) than I should have for lack of concentration, lost cart in grocery isles (just gone off and forgot where I left it!), and gotten confused about directions to places I've been a million times. <P>I am ambivalent. I change my mind and focus every day. One day I want to work things out. The next day, I never want to see him again. My thoughts just don't leave me alone. (I read in a book somewhere that if your thoughts are like that, you aren't getting enough communication).<P>I think it's great that you are PLANNING a separation rather than just gliding into one as we did. Ground rules and goals help keep misunderstandings to a minimum.<P>Does it get better? Well, I hope so! We are weeks away from our divorce and it has definitely gotten worse. My hair is falling out. My skin looks like crap. I am losing weight. I am having heart palpitations and flutters (I had this condition before, but now it is much worse). And I can't sleep, so I am also suffering from sleep deprivation.<P>I read that these types of symptoms hit the betrayed rather than the betrayer because the betrayed loses his/her whole sense of reality. His/her identity and everything he/she believed to be true in the world has been assaulted. I suppose when things get back in balance, and they will, it will all change.<P>Best of luck to you.

I am in total agreement with you. I have had a great deal of trouble concentrating on anything. I am pretty worthless at work lately (but thankfully my immediate supervisor has been quite understanding) and I am also a graduate student. I was supposed to be graduating this may, but I was forced to drop some classes when my life turned upside down and inside out. It has taken me at least twice as long to accomplish school work than it should have. When I have gone out, only with some friends, I just want to go home. I can't seem to have any fun anymore no matter what I do. The only thing that will make me happy is quite unlikely to happen unless I am granted some kind of miracle. So I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not the only person who feels this way. nancy

I felt the same way alex, and I am still going thru court. I find that a week before court I start to get very nervous, and especially the night before as well. I forgot to pay bills, forget important dates, and abandon a lot of my close friends, who supported me the most. I just didn't feel like seeing anyone.<P>It will pass, it will take time, but you'll get thru this, we all do. You will be stronger and wiser from it. I know I am.<P>Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

It seems it is quite normal. I've done all of this too, lost my keys, forgot my phone number, locked my purse and keys in the car (which I've never done), forgot to deposit money before I paid bills (talk about a mess), sleep all the time, I think I'd forget to get dressed if the temperature wasn't so cold... The good news is, there's an end to it after the stress of it goes away. If I was going to be this light headed forever I'd be in trouble. I wake up thinking todays the day I get my "stuff" together. It never works out quite that way, but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel some where. It's good we all have each other to hear about what others are going through, makes me not feel so alone in a world where I would otherwise. Thanks for your post, I'm sure it will improve for you. Keep smiling, I've noticed it makes you feel a little better. Good luck, hope all goes well for you. You have my support..!

It seems minor brainfarts are part of the process (excuse the language). I too have found myself forgetting to do things. I left my wallet in the cart at Walmart the other day. By the time I realized it and went back to get it, someone had taken it. They didn't turn it in. So I got to cancel all credit cards, ATM cards, checks, etc. I am forgetting when things need to be done, where I need to be. You name it. I think it's typical when your brain and emotions are on overload. At least we know it's normal and (hopefully) temporary. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

This divorce business is very difficult. I can appreciate your comment on not being able to concentrate; I feel like I have been on auto-pilot for months. I crave just an hour of normalcy. I have a million issues I have to take care of and I can't seem to make headway on any of them. I think its called depression. It is all I can do to get to work everyday, but I somehow I have been doing it. In my case, the fact that we are getting divorced, but still living under the same roof creates a lot of stress. I am tired of living with things so out of control...it can't be good for you. Maybe when one of you moves out, things will at least be a little more tolerable.<P>LS<BR>

Yikes!, the brain moves so sslllooowwwlllyyy in depression, you wonder how it will ever get better. <P>IMHO,<BR>Number One priority is getting enough sleep to be able to deal effectively with crap. I ran out of pills and am trying to sleep without them, not very well but almost there.<P>Number Two priority is to make a list of your daily routine, and use that to make it through the day. Keep everything on a written schedule so that you can review it and know where it is and you are.<P>Living together waiting for kids to get out of school in order to find time to find a place and also move and go to mediation is EXCRUTIATINGLY DISORIENTING AND DEPRESSING! Going on Month #3 and one more to go.<P>As the D'ee, the worst is trying to communicate with the D'er who makes totally illogical statements and thought patterns.<P>Now I have just begun to see the humor in it and started to laugh, doesn't help the D'er at all, but after hearing all the ridiculous statements and contradictions, I can't help it. I even point out the contraditions and illogical thinking, and all my W can do is say you are right. <P>I had to get her to change her dress yesterday for the weather.<P>thl<P>

Thanx a lot, everyone. I went through a similar stage when I first learned about her affair, but of course back then it was accompanied with a great pain; this has changed for a deep sadness longing for what we were together and for what we no longer will be, for my daughter, etc.<P><B>Grandpravi,</B> I too gave her “a chance” to work things through; just as Dr. H says her affair ended soon, but a former lover (from 20 years ago!) was smarter than me to catch her; while she was at the height of the first affair she volunteered to move out and do all legalities however I wished... but no, I didn’t want her to move out...<P><B>Popeye,</B> the funny thing is that she too seems to be sad and forgetting things- paying bills was mostly her doing, I took over when she began to forget about it. I too have noticed changes in my appearance- I began growing gray hair when I was only 11, but even I can tell the difference that the last 6 months mean... skin? Arghhh!<P><B>Nancy,</B> a miracle? We have them everyday around us. I hope that some will come our way!<P><B>Dana,</B> thank you for your prayers, I too pray every night for everybody on this board. We pretty much are agreeing on everything in regards to possessions; we also have agreed that my daughter won’t move and that we’ll have joint custody, so the question regarding who moves out involves also who will be our 8-year old’s guardian. I hope it passes fast, I want to move on.<P><B>Kink,</B> I know: I’ve lost 2 checkbooks in the last 3 months, 2 credit cards (the last was actually in a jacket but I forgot about it), etc. Thank you for your support & I know you’re right, it has to get better!<P><B>Keriden,</B> I hope it’s temporary. Now, I have always being sort of a “space cadet” for <B>SOME</B> things, but this is ridiculous.<P><B>LS,</B> I too, believe that when one moves out it’ll start to get better. At the present time either my daughter sleeps either with her or I- we have taken the privacy from the little girl (we eliminated the 3rd. bedroom years ago to expand the kitchen). This is not healthy for any of us.<P><B>THL,</B> I have tried to follow a routine similar to the one you describe, but then I forgot where I put the list <g>. I really hope that it gets better for the 3 of us (W, D and I), W is not a bad woman, but I guess we completed our cycle together and it's better to move on (sigh!).<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>