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#659950 05/14/00 11:25 AM
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My H and I are soon to be divorced and he wants to remain "friends". While I don't see any need for hostility, I don't particularly want any contact with him either. I think the pain of what I have been through would be better healed if I just didn't have to see him anymore. It seems wrong and like what he did was alright if we were to remain friendly. <P>I want him to know for the rest of his life what he did to me and to our marriage. I think that can best be demonstrated by him not having me in his life at all. If that sounds like I don't forgive him, well, I think I truly have, but I just want to move on. <P>I think if he thinks we can hang out and be civil, what he did wasn't that bad and that he can still have me in some capacity without any commitments.<P>What do you all think about staying friendly and somewhat involved with an ex? (no kids involved)<P>Thanks.

#659951 05/14/00 11:40 AM
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I agree with you. I can't see being friends with my wife if things don't work out, even though I know I will have to see each other because of the kids.<P>I choose as friends people that build me up, not tear me down. I choose as friends people that stick by me, not bail when things get bad. I choose as friends people who are honest, even if it hurts. Until my wife can show me some of this, I am not interested.

#659952 05/15/00 12:34 AM
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I would give my right arm for my H to want to remain friends, but the OW certainly doesn't want that. He and I get along quite well, and agree on many things, as long as the OW isn't even peripherally involved in the subject at hand. <BR>

#659953 05/14/00 05:06 PM
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My situation is different because he, my XMM went for over a year w/no contact with me or idea how I was doing while he worked on his marriage. Maybe that has helped is XW be more forgiving of him. Anyway they are now at least friends of a sort. They went out to dinner tonight with their kids for mothers day. I thought that was very positive. But the main link between them is their kids. If that wansn't there I don't think they would be hanging out together. Popeye he wants to be friends to make himself feel better. You need to think about what will make you and just you feel better. You have no kids to worry about. So worry about you and do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.<P>Del

#659954 05/14/00 06:04 PM
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I would give any thing to have my ex as a freind again too.. but that to him would mean, communicating..!!!!! that is his biggest fault and just more of a guilt trip he`d be on.. so he can`t handle being freinds.. an maybe at this point, eith me being so angry, neither can I.. seeing him pull up and then just drive away, is so weird to me, to this day.. he is a total 100% stranger to me now.. <P>he is wourse then an alien.. (if their were true aliens) at least we would all know they are/were here to find out what we human beings are all about, they are portrayed to be curious creatures.. as to how things work, here on earth.. but they of course would most likely hide in doing so.... but at least they would be researching to learn about what earth and it`s beings are all about!!! LOL!! as five alive always said.. I need input!!! so where is there input??? <P>where is the justice to all that goes on between marraiges.. the courts allow thing to end so easily.. yet you can`t get out of buying a car.. contract in unbreakable.. what a world!? <P>AV<P>

#659955 05/14/00 10:30 PM
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Delphi: Hi! Might I ask how do you feel like today when he wanted to go to dinner with his XW and children? Doesnt' that eat at you? Are you and the XW on friendly terms? Do you get the kids every other weekend? <P>thanks for your input!<P>Missy2

#659956 05/15/00 01:46 AM
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popeye,<BR> I agree with what you say about being friends.It'll just make him feel better about himself.Doesn't that make you feel like you're just taking a downgrade?Besides,why would you even want to be friends with someone who could treat you that way?I've had enemies treat me better than that. --Murph

#659957 05/15/00 01:11 PM
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With the behaviour my H has displayed why would I want to be his freind? As others have said..with friends like this who needs enemies?<BR>BUT...I always maintained I would have a "working" relationship with him regarding the children....this he does not want as he will not iniate any sort of communication with me, messes with the kids and when I do contact him over very major issues as a concerned parent he does not deal with anything and states "it is up to the kid to do, make the decision etc" so there is no part of him even to interact with on ANY level at this point.<P>Originally H wanted us to be friends....but he never understood that if one treats people, never mind wife and family in a certain manner, then there can not be friendship. He has also walked away from most of our friends and hangs out with bimbo and her friends!

#659958 05/15/00 10:40 PM
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Popeye,<P>In my book the main difference between love and friendship is sex. <B>Love is trust, love and respect. Friendship is trust, affection and respect</B>. Change "affection" for love and is the same.<P>I know that I never, ever trusted anyone as much as I trusted my W; until 6 months ago nobody knew just about 100% of I how feel & think in the most intimate parts of myself. It's not that I can't forgive her but this forgiveness is probably just for the sake of my own mental health and inner peace (I haven't learned how to hate and I am not planning to start now).<P>She too insists that wants us to remain friends, but I see us as friends who hide private issues from each other, friends who don't trust one another, having a nominal friendship that is only helping her to forgive herself and for our daughter's sake.<P>Without regrets, without hate, without remorse, walk away from that friendship. Time will help both of you to heal. Your old relationship is gone and it is too soon to begin a new one. Let time do its job and if tomorrow you can be friends or even reunite again so be it. <B>Friendship is a two-way street</B>; if you are not convinced that you can give and receive 100% don't force it.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

#659959 05/15/00 11:41 PM
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popeye,<P>My H and I will likely be divorced by end of July unless God intervenes. He keeps saying the longer I put off agreeing to do this inexpensively, the more positive feelings about me are destroyed. <P>He said he thought we could get through this being friends. I replied, "Did you think I would run for the pen to sign? Surely a man of your intellect (??????!!!!!!!!??????!!!!)<BR>would hope his wife had more depth than that."<P>I think this may be blackmail to save money.<BR>REally he needs to do this himself, since he included me in no part up to now.<P>I told him friends do not do this to each other. If he thinks he may want to be back sometime, he'll just have to take that chance. I will not promise to be friends unless he delays the D and leaves OW and goes to counseling and really tries to make a go of this. <P>I know what you mean by the bimbos. Perhaps they all deserve each other.<P>Praying,<BR>Committed<P>------------------<BR>Committed

#659960 05/17/00 06:03 PM
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My ex also wants to be friends. It is so strange. In a way I want to remain friends because sometimes I think he has done me a big favor. Other times, I just hate him because he left me for another woman although he said the real reason was because we had a terrible marriage (which we did). But the betrayal is so hard to deal with. It is such a rejection. How can you be friends with someone who makes you feel so unloved and unwanted. But, when he is friendly and nice I feel better about myself. I know he is doing this for himself because he hates being the "bad guy". And if I can like him after what he has done than he feels he is not so bad after all. <P>Everyone I know tells me to just talk to him when I have to regarding the kids and do not try to be his friend beyond that. To look to others for support, not him.<P>I'm not sure how this will all end up. I know I have to do what feels right for me. Although, I do value my friends and family's advice. So, I just pray for the knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out. I also repeat the phrase, what would Jesus do? When I do that, I feel the need to let my anger go and try to be friends. When I talk to him at these times, we actually get along pretty well. But, then I feel like AW, he doesn't deserve to be treated nicely and I start the whole process over again. <P>As you can tell, this is a constant stuggle for me. When will I ever get off this roller coaster?

#659961 05/20/00 03:21 AM
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If we had no kids involved I think it would be easier to just cut any remaining ties and go on without him in my life... but since we do, I am trying m hardest to remain friends. Some days, like this one actually, we cross lines on what we should say to our 'friend'... like when we talk about the OP, for example... that part is hard, but for the most part, I see us succeeding in the 'being friends' thing...

#659962 05/20/00 06:40 AM
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Popeye,<BR>My H also wants us to remain friends. Apparently his definition of friend and my definition of friend are two very different things. I generally don't have friendships with people who continually lie to me, talk about me behind my back, abandon their wives and children, refuse any measure of responsibility, have no conscience regarding who they hurt or how often. I could go on and on. I already told my stbx I did not want to be friends with him. If I can't have him as my H as he promised 15 years ago then the best thing is to just leave me alone. As far as the kids go, it's strictly business. I say what I need to say and get off the phone. I try not to be around when he's picking them up or dropping them off. I really am doing this for me more than anything. I think it will help me to disconnect from him sooner. But ultimately, you have to decide for yourself. If you don't want to be his friend, then don't be.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

#659963 05/20/00 10:03 PM
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My opinion, after almost 2 years of all of it, including D in Dec. GUILT, their guilt. I went through the friend crap. It's so completely dysfunctional, still fantasy. I feel that if I truley call my X a friend, it diminishes every true friend I have. I can't imagine any of them being so ruthless. You could go on all day about what we admire in our friends; does your X really meet that criteria? Don't get sucked in unless your really strong. You'll feel it all over again. Honestly, ask yourself, would this be my friend? Yes, I am "friendly" with her, but by NO MEANS her friend. If you lower your standard here, you better look damn close at who you really are. My 2 cents.<P>Eric32

#659964 05/20/00 10:30 PM
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Eric,<BR>I loved your "2Cnts".<BR>Exactly mirrors my own. <P>I think the "friendship" deal is just another way for them to keep the best part of family life, and chuck the repsonsibility... The eternaly popular, "Having My Cake and Eating It Too"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Girlfriend (edited May 20, 2000).]

#659965 05/21/00 12:47 AM
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I love this topic! When my emotions were at their peak and I was still trying to hold on and work on my marriage, my husband said he wanted to just be friends. He wants out of the marriage, out of the commitment, out of the work it takes to keep things going. He has given less to me over the last 5 years than I would give my worst friend. Part of the reason for our demise is that all he was was like a roommate (and a workaholic) in our marriage. To give him friendship would be for me to continue in this codependent disfunctionality that I am trying to pull myself out of.<P>Last time I asked him if we could start a family, he told me to go find someone else to have kids with. Is this insane coming from your own husband who has never complained about your marriage before? I asked him to go for counseling with or without me - to suggest things we can do together, etc. He told me it wasn't worth trying, because if it failed, we would have wasted more time. This guy is pushing our divorce over his own guilt - no contribution to the marriage emotionally, sexually - he was just a paycheck. Now that I'm in my late 30's and we're ending our 12 year marriage, he's trying to be nice because I have spent most of my childbearing years with him and he's now made a final decision that "I am not the right person to bear his children." (Funny how I was good enough to support him during law school! <P>This is all very selfish on his part. Surely if he had any sensitivity he would realize that I need to get over him and being his friend would only drag up old disappointments for me. I agree with those who said that he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He already is the bad guy and nothing can change that, and I am certainly not going to put myself out so that he can feel better. I did that for the last 5 years of our marriage! I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't deserve to be my friend!

#659966 05/21/00 08:00 PM
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My W wants to be friends, for me to manage her money for her, for me to be the primary babysitter while she dates. she even said we could still do family things together, be together on Christmas morning to see the kids come down stairs at her house.<P>I told her it doesn't work that way. She finally agreed intellectually, but not emotionally yet. She won't understand until she has to live it, I think it is called Plan B.<P>And I will see who the real OM is after her<BR>shoulder surgery, if she can't drive.<P>thl


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