Hi all,<BR>I haven't written in a while. Things were going along as usual(sucky) when 2 days ago my H calls and wants to come over and talk. He asks me if I would be willing to work on relationship! I was happy and said yes. Well, as the conversation went on he revealed that life with OW was getting difficult. She lives in Chicago we are in Phoenix. They commute every other week to see each other for a few days. Real fun! So, now she wants him to go to Florida for summer to support her while she deals with her dying Mother. Then, come Sept. when she returns to teach she wants him to move to Chicago. He doesn't want to move. He will have to give up our son to do this. He loves him very much and doesnt want to leave him. He tells me his family all tells him to come home to us. Says he still has feelings for me and is just tired of the depression he is in. Then, it gets sickening. He starts on about how strong his feelings are for her and how bad he'd feel for not being there for her. He doesnt want her to end up alone.<BR>H*ll, she and her H haven't filed for D. Her H is doing everything he can to win her back.<BR>It all was a bit too much to listen to, what about my feelings and my sons????? I guess I am made of steel and dont have feelings to hurt. That or mine just dont matter. It makes me MAD!!!!!!!!! <BR>But, I kept it cool and didnt LB. Tried to be understanding, I realize its an addiction and he is suffering from fantasy withdrawl.<BR>That night he calls sounding like hes crying. Says he couldnt end it and is renewing lease for his apartment. Says he cant come back here. It is bullsh*t! He puts me on the rollercoaster again. My son too. Yesterday when he picked up son for dinner, he admited he acted like an *sshole. I agreed with him. Says he doesnt know what he wants. I said I didnt know anymore either. But, that I was leaning towards moving on without him. I said I needed someone mentally stable and someone who would treat me lovingly like I deserved. He said I wont find anyone as good as him. That he is a special catch. What ego!!! He said it kidding but I believe he thinks that is true. He thinks he is so hot because some married whore tells him he's so wonderful.<BR>I told him he was a catch all right. The catch that most people throw back. (Sorry, it was my first LB in awhile). <BR>Now, I am just left with alot of anger. That is good though. Before I was always so sad wanting him back. The anger is a progression upwards for me. I am not the type to stay angry for long. So, I am hoping that the stage of acceptance wont be far behind and I will finally let go.<BR>It was hard to hear him go on about her feelings and his for her. But, it was the thing that finally pushed me over the top to where I am just sick and tired of the Jerk!! He has known this ***** for 9 months and thinks she is the best thing in the world. He has known me for 12 years and could care less about how much he has crushed my heart. Its more than anyone should have to endure. We all have though. <BR>They are selfish and miserable people. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing all is not wonderful in fantasy land. The handwritting is on the wall. He is sad and miserable and she could care less. He has given up a wife, son, home and a large nest egg we built up. Plus, the respect of his family and friends. She wont even file for divorce. She wont sacrafice a thing. She is having a grand time I'm sure having these 2 men fighting over her. She is pushing 50, has a 5 yr old liver transplant and has never been so appealing! She must feel like she is on top of the world. But, she is an empty selfish poor excuse for a human. The price she will pay wont be worth it. I wouldnt want her life for anything. And my H is no better. He will end up with nothing and alone. I cant keep being there to catch him forever. He doesnt appreciate it or respect it anyway. <BR>I so much wanted to be able to get back together. I still love him through it all. I just cant take this emotional abuse any longer. There has to be a time when you must give up the fight. I think I may have come to that time. <BR>Well, I have gone on long enough. I guess I needed to get this off my chest. <BR>We betrayed have feelings too. It would be nice if our WS bothered to think about that once in a while.<BR>Lisa<p>[This message has been edited by tryingtoletgo (edited May 18, 2000).]

Just wanted to drop a quick line, may have to sign off soon - getting interrupted by our son and have to do dinner.<P>I can relate to WS being more concerned about the OW's feelings than about the state of the marriage or about my feelings. <P>I feel sometimes like I'm through the looking glass, where nothing makes sense.<P>How old is your son? Ours is 11. <BR>

Hi Bellevue,<BR>Our son is 9. He will be 10 this July. It is real tough to also see that they are more worried about OW than doing the right thing towards our kids too. My son is hurting so much. <BR>I wish they would wake up and do the right thing! <BR>Thanks for responding! <BR>Lisa

Hi,<BR>Trying to let go of someone you love so much<BR>is the hardest thing! <BR>It's so much harder when they keep feeding you that hope and then taking it away again.<P>I don't know if I could listen to that stuff about ow, but it sounds like he feels a lot more guilt than love at this point (for ow). That could be a good sign. <P>He's probably miserable too, right now. I know he said he's *all that*, but I have to wonder if it wasn't a defensive thing...<P>Guilt is a tormenting emotion, I think it's the worst one really, hating yourself is an awfull thing. Perhaps he can't handle the whole *truck load* of guilt (ow & you) all at this time. Maybe if you work with him to lesson this guilt toward her, he will be able to begin sorting out his feelings about comming home. If you still would have him.<P>It's not fair to you, but you seem like you might have enough love left, to be a gracious friend, I bet You could reap big rewards on down the road, if so. I don't know a great deal more about your situation other than than this post, so I'm sorry if I am out of line in any way. The trusting issue is so tough!!!!<BR>I just wanted you to know that I am listening.<BR>Take care.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Girlfriend (edited May 18, 2000).]

I know how you feel. My stbx didn't want to uninvite her bf from her sister's wedding because she didn't want to upset him.<P>That's when the moment of clarity came for me.<P>Y'know, she left me one other time many years ago before we were married. When she came back, I played "The ***** is Back" by Elton John.<P>Wonder what I'll play when the divorce is final? Any suggestions?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wonder what I'll play when the divorce is final? Any suggestions?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Don't say you love me" Billy Squier<BR>"Don't go away mad" Motley Crue<P>A few suggestions...<BR>

Yes, my H too is completely oblivious to my feelings of hurt, loss & sadness, but boy does he worry about hurting HER. As for songs...I like playing "Ain't That Lonely Yet" by Dwight Yoakum & "You're The One" by Dwight as well. Perfect for us betrayed. And I don't even like country music...'cept for Dwight .<P>P.S. Oh yeah...and "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Keridwen7 (edited May 19, 2000).]

Girlfriend,<BR>You got the whole thing pretty well. You were right on target. If I do want him back I just have to be patient and let him sort through all the guilt. I deep down believe he won't be able to keep up this long distance affair and will see she isn't everything he thought. I just have to keep it cool til then and see how I feel when the shoe drops on their fantasy. Thanks for the input.<BR>Keridwen,<BR>It sounds like we all go through this same thing. Even though it sucks it helps to know we aren't going through something no one else is. It must be a big part of affairs. <BR>

Tryingtoletgo: I don't want to bring you down and every situation is different but I never in my wildest dreams thought my husband could uproot and move to your neck of the woods from the east and leave our children. But I was proven wrong. He has lived there almost a year now - our D will be final soon. Once the OW was brought out into the open he was very honest with his feelings for her and it ripped my heart apart. I don't think he had any clue how painful it was for me. Perhaps he was so open because I told him all I wanted was for him to be happy (boy was I dumb) because this is where it has gotten me. Is he happy? I haven't a clue - I know I could never walk away from my children but everyone is different. Perhaps one day I'll move to where you live so my children can have both parents but that will take a lot of thinking and a lot of healing. <P>I wish you well! We deserve it! But thankgoodness we have our children!<P>Missy2

Just thought I'd add to the list of thoughtless behavior. My ex and OW he divorced me for were building a house last summer and it wasn't finished when their lease was up. My ex went back to stay with his folks for a month and OW stayed in house directly across the street from my daughter and me! I had no idea one of her friends lived there when I moved into the house. I confronted my ex when he called one night about why she was staying directly across the street when they had many other friend in this hugh town. His response was" I can't tell her where to stay" He could not understand why his daughter and I were upset at having to see her car or her every day for one month. Totally emotionally absent!!

Affairs and affairees usually exhibit lack of communication, but full of actions. The emotions of finding "the perfect soulmate" completely fogs their mind.<P>I had to ask my W what did she think I was feeling when she told me of her actions?<P>She said it wasn't about her, but her friend. I tried to educate her that what she does is about her, not about other people. When they are fogged up with fantasy emotions, life becomes a fanatasy, and they are the fantasy maker.<P>Think about how you want to be respected, and inform the other person. Keep informing him until he gets the message.<P>thl<BR>

Yeah, my stbx has done that with all his OW... he was so worried I'd hurt them (boo hoo) and I've been pretty NICE!<P>"our song" was "I can't tell you why" by the eagles... never really thought of it before, but I think it meant something! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited May 20, 2000).]

Missy,<BR>I think you are right. He will leave. He is with her in Chicago this weekend. He asked me on Tuesday if I'd work on relationship and Thursday he left to be with her. It is sick. I have had enough. He call our son Friday night. They were supppose to sign S up for football and he was going to sign up as a coach. He tells S that he cant because he is out of town. My S knows where. 20 minutes after they talked my son got sick and threw up. It breaks my heart watching what he is doing to this child.<BR>Last night when he called my son refused to pick up the phone. I hope he sees the damage he is causing before our S totally gives up on him.<BR>Lisa

Lisa: Hugs to you today! It is bad enough that we have to endure the pain and reality of it all but I will never, ever understand how someone can do this to their own child. These little kids who only know to trust everyone they love is getting such a horrible lesson at such an early age. I can't imagine the damage that this will cause him if your H doesn't wake up. The worst of it is we are left looking into their sad eyes as they look at us for "why" and guidance. I wish I had answers I don't only to be there to hug them alot and reassure him that you won't leave him - that you are there forever. My son doesn't like talk to his dad on the phone much either - it is really tough. My H calls less and less mostly because he feels the pain as well - well no sh*t! My son rarely talks about dad but everyonce in a while he'll talk about moving there. I'm so confused on that issue but it will take lots of time to come to that decision. <P>Don't you find it so difficult to stop asking yourself what does this other person have that is so wonderful. Sure it is all new and fantasy world but what else? So often I find myself thinking what a farce my marriage must have been for the last 19 years. I don't know about you but right now the thought of even thinking of finding someone else is so repulsive. It will take a very long time before I can trust again.<P>okay - done rambling. Take Care and my heart goes out to your son!<P>Missy2

My daughter was 13, when my then husband and I separated. I filed for divorce and allowed him at daughter's request to come to the house for a final Christmas, since the divorce would be final the next yr. We had a good time and in the middle of our Monopoly game which we played every Christmas, he says he wasn't feeling well, and went back to his apt, leaving daughter ,son and me at 6 pm. Next morning my daughter and I saw him accidentally getting out of car with OW at golf course on our way to get groceries. He left us on Christmas to pick OW up at airport! MY daughter was devastated and so was I. That was three yrs ago, and my daughter still does not like the holidays. I have taken her out of state to her grandparents every yr since because she can't stand to be around her father at that time of yr. This girl is now 17, and it still affects her! My ex just doesn't get it and thinks she is over reacting!

Missy,<BR>Thanks so much for the support. I cant think of getting involved again either. We went to church this morning and alot of the people there gave us so much support and love; it helps!<BR>I really wish they all would wake up! If not for their spouses than for the children. How can he want to be with a woman who is forcing him to leave his child? He said all along how much her son means to her and how she understands how important our S is to him! Bull sh*t!! She could care less about our boy. Why is he so blind?!?! She is so evil and has her claws in so deep. <BR>NO answers. No sense in the madness.<BR>Thanks again for support.<BR>Lisa<P>DB,<BR>Thanks to you also for insight. I guess your message sends the reality that he may never understand what he has done. There are going to be a whole lot of counselors making a ton of money in the future on all the kids who are going to grow up with all these awful issues. I hope your daughter will someday grow to love the holidays again.