Hi friends,<P>Its been a while since I posted myself, although I am keeping up on what is going on. <P>Today, its been 5 months since my STBX left. Those of you who know me, know he walked out on XMas Day. I had no idea it was coming, and thought it would be a good Christmas. <P>My daughter pulled out a bunch of pictures yesterday, and of course, there were Xmas pictures in there. I look at the pics of my "husband" at the time. He looks terrible. He looks miserable. Why didn't I see that as it happened? <P>Each week that goes by, I find out something new about the affair. Not on purpose, I don't search these things out. Just more and more things make sense. It always pushes the affair back a little further too. <P>As I approach the 5 month mark of being abandoned, (although he said it was to "find himself"), STBX and OW come up on being together a year shortly. <P>STBX couldn't have left at a worse time. First on a major holiday. My favorite, as a matter of fact. At the time, even the circumstances surrounding his departure were lies, but I didn't know it. Three weeks later was one of our daughter's birthday. Three weeks later, I got my divorce papers on Valentine's Day. A month later, STBX birthday and middle daughter's birthday. A month later, the birthday of his sister, who died at 15. Right after that, Easter. Then, Mother's Day. Now this Sunday, will be our oldest daughter's birthday. <P>I feel like maybe I can get some peace now. All the major events have come and gone. The divorce is moving to trial soon. I am moving on in my life. I am still on a roller coaster of emotions and I just wonder, when will it ever end.<P>Just wondering when this all gets better? When can you sleep at night again?? When can you look at that betrayer and not feel so hurt? When can you accept the other woman?? When can you get over the fact that your children actually like this other woman? When you stop counting the months, and start counting the years, does this get any better?? <P>On a better note, when I have a good day, its a GREAT day. I am able to find happiness in ways I never have before. I am able to support myself and my three children, basically alone. I am able to care and trust again. I am able to accept the divorce and actually, it can't come soon enough.<P>It just seems to me that as I get happier each day with my new life, that the "lows" almost feel worse lately. If my STBX would leave me alone, not harass me and just let me be, I'd have no lows. After all this time, I wonder why he feels the need to go out of his way to make me miserable. I would think he should be free and happy to go on to his new chosen life and forget all about me. <P>Well, thats it, just an update on my situation and wondering who out there feels the same.<P>Prayers and hugs to all,<BR>Dana<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lonelymom (edited May 25, 2000).]

HELLLLOOOOOOOO Dana!<P>Well, you know how I feel about all of this! LOL<P>Seriously though, I understand about the highs being great. Now that's all I have, believe it or not. I'm not experiencing any lows and I wonder if one day it will hit me all at once or what. I can honestly say I have felt good all month. Maybe in my case, it has something to do with Bob never being around. I haven't seen him since the day after Easter or talked to him since May 1st. <P>You hang in there Dana. I know there will be a time when you will have nothing but good days. <P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

Dana,<BR>I know what you mean about the highs and lows. I went through several weeks back in April where I actually felt good for the first time in a long time. Then I hit bottom again when I found out he's moving OW here soon. I feel like if he could put his plans with her on hold long enough for me to get a grasp on this situation, then I could get past it, but everytime things start looking up, I get another whammy! I don't know if he truly is that insensitive and just doesn't get it or if he's purposely trying to hurt me. Yesterday was my 15th Wedding Anniversary and tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of D-day so I'm feeling a little down. Dreamed about him and OW all night and finally got up at 4 am. I couldn't go back to sleep. But I will get through this and you will too. My divorce can't come soon enough either. So I know what you mean about all the "major" events the first year. The last couple of weeks have been really tough. I hope you are seeing light at the end of the tunnel.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Dana,<BR>It does get better. <BR>The lows will start being less and less and not so deep. It seems like most people also feel some relief once the divorce day comes. It is almost like the lowest point you can reach and then suddenly it feels like the pressure is let off. <P>Hand in there!<P>GOD BLESS,<P>Bob<P><BR>

<B> Mitzi </B> I'm glad your doing so well. It must be nice that your "Rob" doesn't come around much. Now if only my "Rob" would do the same <P><B> Keri </B> Sounds like you have a double whammy with your two BIG dates. I wonder too if my Ex is that insensitive, or really gets pleasure out of my pain. I also have dreams about Ex and OW. I dream about the "together" and I also have dreams that I am constantly running from my ex. A good friend of mine, is seeing a psychic and a hypnotist for her nightmares. She has been apart from her ex over a year and is not getting relief yet. <P><B> Bob </B> Thanks for the encouragement. I am sure tomorrow I'll feel better already. I can't understand how I can mentally torture myself as much as I do. I believe what you say about the divorce. Ever since I got the papers, its been "hanging" over my head. The day I know its final, I believe that too will help me get rid of this burden.<P>Prayers to all , Dana<BR>

Dana, <BR> It has been 4 months now since the D, and 11 since the separation. It does get easier, in fact now the highs greatly outweigh the lows. I am to the point now where I don't care about his other relationship, if that is what he wants, I hope he finds happiness in it. <BR>Hard for some of the diehard MBs to hear out there, but I am getting to the point where my life is better now. There will still be issues with the kids, and I feel awful to have put them through that, but I know I will be ok. And they will too. I want another committed relationship in my life someday, and know all I have learned through MB and this site will help me be a success. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Susan,<P>(Same name as my best friend) <P>Thanks for the good news. I am glad to hear you are doing well. I do have many good days. I know my life is way BETTER now than it has ever been, as far, as myself, just being happy with myself and life. I understand what you mean, we feel bad about the kids, but once you reach the point of no return, thats it. <P>I am amazed that you wish him happiness, although I am sure that is good for your own recovery. I can't see myself ever saying that, but then again I have sat next to OW at soccer games (I think whats triggering this mood) and actually invited THEM into my home once on Easter for a minute.<P>I do despise OW but I am making the best of a bad situation.<P>Best of luck to you Sue, Dana<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lonelymom (edited May 26, 2000).]

Dana, <BR>My X had an internet affair, and they live 1200 miles apart, so even though she has been here a couple of times, I have yet to run into her (but I have spoken to her when my x and I were together). She left a 9 yr marriage, has three small kids, and is 13 yrs younger than my x. I think both of them are looking for something, not sure what. I hope they find the happiness they seek, and it was worth all the pain they caused both families. Do I think they will? No, the fantasy will wear off, I am sure. But not for me to say. The fact remains, I did not make him happy enough. Maybe no one will. <BR>But as I deserve happiness in my life, so does he. I know I did all I could to try to save the marriage, he just didn't want to. All he needed to do was end it, and we could try to rebuild. <BR> I left without regrets, except for putting my kids through all of this. And if he and I can be civil to each other, then the suffering for them may be less. And that is what is important. The marriage was, but now it is them. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

lonleymom!!!!!<P>I know, I know......I've been running my own race and havn't had time to see what ya'll are up to. <P>You have much, much more courage that I've had. I've tried to hold on to something that doesn't make sense anymore. I'm misreable, my H <B>says</B> he hasn't been, but I know that my kids have been misreable too. I just want to have an ending now. I need to move on and it sounds as though you are heading in that direction. <P>I can't give you any answers on how long things take, because it's taken me the better part of four years to finally realize that I'm worth more than what my H is willing to give. I wish I'd gone through with the divorce last year. <P>Hey, I'm back on-line with you. I'll try to check in more often and give you an update on my sorry state of 'affair'. Love and Hugs to you and everyone else going through this heart-wrenching process. Pray for me too, okay? You are strong (I'm trying to get back there again) and everything eases with time.

{{{{{{{{{ROLLER COASTER}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I haven't heard from you in such a long time. I hear from a few people here who still post and a few who don't. <P>I am glad you will be joining us again I don't post as often as I used to. My life is moving forward. <P>I want the divorce, I want it NOW. I am almost willing to give in to his silly demands just to get it. I am tired of fighting with him, because he has a way of bringing me down. <P>I am not feeling all that much better today. However I went to bed at 5:30pm last night and just woke up. I managed to talk on the phone and internet a little bit,but I certainly don't remember much. <P>I have decided to put my STBX (can I steal the name LRB for him?) on a PLAN B of sorts. Jim had always told me to do that and I never did. I did Plan A and quit trying on the marriage.<P>My Plan B is not an effort to bring him around, but to get him to stay away. I don't like the effect he has on me. Even 5 minutes, and I am just way too angry. I plan to tell him today that I want all this contact to end.<P>He changed jobs and feels the need to "pop over" to see the kids for ten minutes on his way home from work. Managing to talk to OW (while she hunts him down by cel phone) and to tell her he loves her. <P>Does he love her? Sure in his own sick way. And his love is VERY sick. SHe can have it. I just don't care to hear about it at MY house. <P>So today, (if he shows up with my child support check), will be the day. I am hoping to sit him down and tell him that things are changing. I don't want to hear from him every day. Pick one time to call the kids every night and thats it. Don't stop over my house. Don't call me. Don't shake my hand, tell me I'm your friend. Nothing. Matter of fact, don't even say my name. <P>As for me, I'm now looking for some answers from anyone who has Plan B'd out there on how I go about this. Do I get to be rude and LB??? Well, I'll post a question on it today.<P>RC, Keep in touch , Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I understand what you're going through. Although the circumstances of our divorces are often different, I think the roller coaster of emotions we experience is somewhat universal.<P>When I left my wife of twenty-two years, it was out of frustration over her unwillingness to admit and work on some serious problems in our marriage. My hope was that when she saw how serious I was, she would "wake up" and agree to work on fixing the things that were wrong. Like many others I've learned about through this website, she has been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.<P>Well, instead of "waking up", she immediately filed for divorce and got involved with a man she'd met several months earlier. For nine months I tried to reconcile, however she was "in love" with this OM and refused to even consider it. We were separated eleven months before the divorce became final, and a month later she announced her engagement to the OM. They were married five months after the divorce.<P>Now, five months into their marriage, they're already having serious problems, there's been talk of divorce, and they've already had one week-long separation. My ex even admitted to one of our kids that her relationship with his now step-father was a rebound relationship. I think she's beginning to see what a mistake it was getting involved with someone new so soon, but so far is still holding on -- they're now in counseling.<P>I think it's a so sad, putting the kids through all of this. And until recently, I think I would have considered taking her back. I have no doubt that her current marriage will soon come to an end, but I think I'm FINALLY coming to the point where I really don't want her back any more. It's been a long hard journey getting to this point. I still can't imagine ever loving someone as much as I loved her, but I also know that we can never go back. And quite honestly, the woman I married all those years ago, just doesn't exist anymore. Letting go has been hard, and sometimes when I think I'm finally over her, I'll hear a song or watch some movie that triggers all those feelings again. Makes me wonder if perhaps we don't ever truly "get over" someone -- rather the feelings just get buried under other things.<P>It's been almost two years since we separated, and I have to admit I've come a long long way since then. But I still have a lot of anger that just won't go away -- anger over having to give up dreams and plans that we once shared -- and losing the one true love that I had counted on lasting a lifetime.

Colorado: Your last paragraph sums it up for me as well. It will take a long time for the anger to subside for all we were looking forward to down the road and retirement! It took us many years to have children and when we finally did (we have 2) I was so looking forward to raising them together, to go camping, go to Disneyworld, get involved in all the sports, etc. Yes, I can still do all that but not as a whole family - that hurts and it will for a very long time! I look into the kids eyes and I feel so bad for them that they won't get to experience all the joy of true family life like Johnny down the street. I guess I'll always fantasize about the fairy tale that doesn't exist much anymore in today's society!<P>Missy

Colorado,<P>Thanks for taking the time to write. I have not been checking the site over the weekends. I can understand where you have been. I too, would have went back at the very beginning. I am SO thankful things went the way they did.<P>In the beginning, you are so hurt you can't see things as well. It has been a long road to get here for me as well,not necessarily in length of time, but I have been through so much in this short period of time. I am learning every day. I know now, that my marriage would have never lasted with my ex. He was unwilling to make changes as well. He is trying hard in his new relationship as well.<P>I know a lot of people who's second marriages aren't all that happy, but those that walk away, try hard to make it work, for all they gave up, almost like they would have to admit they made a mistake, if they did give up. <P>I do know a few couples who are in second marraiges and are very happy. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and it takes a lot to walk away. Had my situation not been so drastic, I'd still be in a miserable marraige and unhappy.<P>I am feeling better and better each day, and I am GLAD that I am going to be divorced . <P>I am sure, even 2 years down the road, that its normal to have those triggers. You will always have those. But know that there are other people out there, and it is possible to love that much a second time around, if you find the right person. <P>Prayers and hugs to all, Dana<BR>

Missy,<P>I can relate to what you wrote, about feeling bad when you look at the kids. I too, compare mine to a family on my street. A family who is still together. When I think about it, they are the ONLY ones still together, since I moved in, besides the older couples, but as far as people my age, I have seen some changes in my neighborhood too.<P>You can still do those things. I am trying hard to realize that I STILL have the family, he doesn't. He left it. And one day, he'll be replaced, and I'll still have the kids. While he is off raising someone else's kids and in the end, it will ultimately be his own loss.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>Your H...LRB...If the shoe fits...LOL<P>I know what you mean about the friendlyness bit...<B>WE AIN"T FRIENDS</B>...We were <B>BEST</B> frinds...how can you destroy someones safe secure world and expect them to be your friend...No thank you<P>Thank God my STBX doesn't pester me everyday...well she can't it would take time away from the little ****er...LOL...<P>I am trying to devise a spiritual way to tell her that we are not friends, because she chose to leave me for a 17 year old...I know...I know...That would constitute a LB...But I sometimes wonder if a guilt trip would make me feel better...Then again this would not be very spiritual, would it?<P>So I will continue to be the better person and tolerate her sorry [censored]...<P>Yes I am still bitter...Oh well I guess it will eventualy pass...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>Not for nothing, but what do this LRB's parents say about all this??? <P>I know a lot of people believe completely in the MB principles, but I don't agree with being treated like your feelings mean nothing. Who cares about LB's? <P>Isn't an affair a MAJOR LB? And we were and some of us still are , willing to overlook THAT LB??? So we call names and swear at the ex's once in a while. Why should they get away with everything???<P>Had that been me to have the affair, I'd have been outcast from the family and my ex would NEVER have been willing to overlook it. <P>Your allowed to be angry. I am getting real angry lately myself. But I refuse to turn bitter all the time. <P>I'm nice when I feel like it, and I'm nasty when I don't like what he does anymore. This is new for me, I haven't been sinking to his level much but sometimes, he pulls way too much.<P>Good luck and thanks for sharing the LRB "term" , that fits my ex perfectly ,<P>SMILE , Dana<BR>