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Joined: Jun 1999
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My kids are supposed to go to their mothers Wed and Thur nite(first time in a year she wants them 2 nites in a row during the week.)<P>In talking with the kids, My d already made plans to go to a party(last day of school) on Wed evening and then have two friends sleep over that nite.<P>My son also said that he sleeping over at a one friends or another.<P>Then tonite my d asked me to tell x that d doesn't want to spend the nite with her Thurs nite either, that since they just got out of school, she wants to play with her friends and that there is nothing to do at x's place.<P>So, do I let the kids tell their mother or do I step in and tell her they don't want to spend the time with her? I expect the worse, figuring she will blame me and I haven't said a word either way. In fact I told my d that x only has certain days off when she can see them.

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Bob, <BR>Is that a scheduled time for her to have them?? Has this been planned for the kids to stay with her?? If it has been, I would suggest that you tell the kids that Mom has them, if they want to make plans with their firends, that they need to clear that with their Mom, since she has them then. <BR>That way, you are not the bad guy either way...My kids have played that as well, saying they have plans with friends..I just tell them that Dad has them, if they want to stay with friends, that is between them and their Dad. <BR>Hope this helps you!!<BR>By the way, did you know that the first game to the BB series starts tomorrow????<P>------------------<BR>Susan

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I would not suggest you step in. Look what is happening to me...the parental alienation crap he is charging.<P>Our 10 year old constantly begs not to go. It is between her and her dad. If it is ok with him...then it is ok with me. But I cringe when she asks because he uses it against me in court documents and with the evaluators.<P>He calls them excuses......it is an excuse when they are invited to a b-day party....it is an excuse when there is a school function.<P>Like I purposely ask the school and the childrens friends to schedule stuff on his night or his weekend.<P>But the cruel hard facts are....life will never be the same for children from divorce. One parent always makes exceptions....for the children....while the other stands firm and won't budge an inch.<P>Mt stbx told the girls that nothing will change because of this divorce.....except mom and dad won't live together. Haha...everything has changed.....they would be able to do things that children like and want to do without having to hurt a parents feelings or having to get the ok from a court. <P>It sucks......our lives (mine and the children) are still in control of a man we don't even know anymore. A cruel, nasty, abusive man.<P>Nancy

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If your divorce papers state that she is entitled to a certain amt. of days or certain days you don't want to mess with this. It could blow up in your face. I know how hard it is to send your kids with the other parent if they don't want to go. I've been told though that you need to encourage a relationship between them and the other parent and that sometimes they feel that way because they are hurt, not really because they don't want to be with that parent. But, if your papers do not state that you have to let her have the kids then I think it would be better if your kids told her they didn't want to come so that she doesn't think that your encouraging them.

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Sue,<BR>All we have in the agreement is if visitation can not be agreed upon, then minimal visitation, every other weekend and one night per week, is to be followed.<P>I don't mind (too much) the kids visiting her. The problem is that they don't want to go. Most of their friends aren't allowed over or the kids are ashamed and don't ask for them to come over so the kids are bored. Second the kids are comfortable with om around, and now that he lost his job, he will be around all the time.<P>I pretty much tell them that when they ask to go some where that, if it a time when they are to be with their mother, then they need to ask her. So far, so good. Yesterday was a suprise when my daughter asked me to tell her mother. She said x gets mad when she says she doesn't want to go.<P>Nancy,<BR>I have been telling the kids to ask their mother when they have other plans. That has been my prime fear that x goes to court if the kids don't go.

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Bob,<P>Last Wednesday my H came to get the boys for the first time in a month. The 2 older ones didn't want to go. I told them that if they asked their father and he said it was ok, then they didn't have to go. They ended up not asking him because he comes around so little and they are afraid of making him mad. They think he'll stay away even more if he gets mad at them.<P>Let the children ask their mother. It keeps you out of the middle and then she can't take you back to court.<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

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Bob,<P>I was just checking...<P>You have a 9 and 12 year old (or close to that)...<P>If they were somewhat older... 15..16..17 this would not be an issue... the child can make whatever decision they want (in my state the age at which a child's preference is taken into account is 15, I believe)...<P>But... when they are younger there really can be legal repercussions.<P>If the kids want to "grow up" (a little faster)... then <B>they</B> need to show that by wanting themselves to discuss not going... directly with their mom.<P>If they make <B>you</B> do this...<BR>...it could get you into trouble.<P>You may want to just sit down with your kids...<BR>...be honest with them about "consequences"... "family"... "honoring parent"... and gamut of important issues...<BR>...and help with their judgment/reasoning of each instance visitation problems come up.<P>My 2 younger ones (8 and 11) are starting to resent having to go 90+ miles each way... everyother weekend...<BR>...but so far... they just accept that they "should" go! When the day comes that they don't want to go... they'll have to discuss it with first their mom... and then with me.<P>BTW: You are such a good dad!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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My h and I are having trouble agreeing on a custody schedule.. my kids are very young (3 and 5(.. but evan they get upset about their lives being uprooted for visits with Dad.. and missing out on events, etc... I am trying to encourage a good relationship with their Dad however. What we have just started to do is go see a child psychologist to discuss how to resolve our conflicts. She has been very helpful in setting out non emotional guidelines. In the case of your kids, a psychoologist would talk to them and find out what their specific needs were and problems were with the schedule.. that way a neutral professional is helping you to work out a liveable schedule. Hopefully this would resolve your problems totally. Most insurance plans cover some amount of mental health therapy these days so hopefully the visits could be paid for by insurance...Evan if this process does not help solve things.. it will ultimately help you if these types of issues go to court as you would be able to point to the fact that you went to a professional to work out the problems and that you were following their guidelines. Good luck.. I hope that all goes well for you.<BR>I think that your kids are old enough that their wishes should be taken into account.. but I also think that you need to make it clear to them that they need to have some type of time with their mom as they will regret it otherwise when they are adults... right now they are trying to avoid her because they are mad at her.. but they should still see her. I agree that they should communicate their scheduling issues to their Mom.. but maybe at the end of that conversation you could get on the phone and suggest to her that you all get together to talk about scheduling and suggest the child psychologist route.. perhaps if you put it in terms of you want input from a professional as well on how to deal with these scheduling issues she will feel less threatened by the idea and hopefully embrace the concept. Good Luck!!!

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Bob,<P>My opinion, is leave it between the kids and their mom. Jim brings up a good point about the age of the children. <P>Ultimately, the kids , as they get older will resent the visits with mom if they are constantly missing out on time with their friends and other events. Thats between them and mom. Its another unfortunate consequence of divorce where the children suffer the most.<P>Good luck with the visit, Dana<BR>

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Hey all, thanks for your replies.<P>I let things work out for themselves and didn't have to get involved.<P>My x picked up my son Wed evening for soccer practice. She brought him back a couple hours later and he told me he was spending the night at a friends.<P>My d was going to a end of school party and didn't want to go to her mothers so she stayed with me and I took her to the party. She was going to have a sleepover with a couple friends but ended up not and stayed with me. I went to work yesterday and d stayed home and went back and forth to her friends down the street. I didn't see that her mother even called her, but she could have. <P>X then picked up d at 5 to take her to her game. After game, x took the kids back to her house. S was at game also but he was playing with friend he slept over with the nite before. <P>X was to take them shopping today, but I wasn't able to get her to commit to a time she would bring them back. She said she would take them to their games tonite at 8:00 so I guess she is working at 11:00 tonite.<P>So for the 2 almost 3 days she took them, she is only spending today with them. With us going on vacation next week, she won't see them for almost 2 weeks.<P>Thanks Jim, I appreciate the comment.<BR>


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