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#663946 06/08/00 03:55 AM
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The injustice in the court system is simply phenomenal.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

#663947 06/08/00 05:37 AM
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{{{{{{{{{POPEYE}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I don't have any specific advice for you because I have not been in your situation. I do want to say that I agree with your comment on the court system and I am fed up with the whole divorce process myself. <P>Take some time to yourself, I know it sounds like a broken record but give it some time and you will start to feel better about your recent discoveries. It just seems that when you think things can't get any worse, they just do.<P>Sending prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<BR>

#663948 06/08/00 12:32 PM
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Popeye,<BR>I read your H's posts on the "general questions" forum. I'm very sad that your H isn't the man you thought he was or wanted him to be. I'm not that surprised, however. Being an unbiased person who has never met him, it is quite apparent that he married you only to produce children for him at some point. Your wishes did not deter him, in that he figured that he could change your mind. Total disrespect. That, and I'll bet he also figured "well, if I can't change her mind, then I'll find someone else". Which he did. He did not love YOU, only what you could give him. When it was clear that children were not in your future, he dumped you. He is an *sshole. Cut this loser out of your life, and THANK GOD he is no father to any of YOUR children. <P>I'm sorry there is no court record. Even if there was, though, be assured that some stupid woman would be willing to give him a another chance. Hey, he found the OW didn't he? Try as you might, you can't protect the world from jerks like him. Just protect yourself, and you are. Good for you girl. <P>I felt the same way when me and my first H got divorced. He confessed to having slept with over 20 women during our marriage. He possibly exposed me to GOD knows how many STD's. Only by the grace of GOD did I leave that marriage clean. I wanted to put up a billboard saying "don't trust this cretan". He was in the military too. I could have gotten him kicked out because he slept with a midship-woman. Instead, I just cut my losses and moved to the other side of the continent away from him.

#663949 06/08/00 01:22 PM
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I know it probably doesn't help...but in exposing his true nature like he has, hopefully it will make it easier for you in the end. You don't have to waste time wondering if you could have done things differently, or all those woulda/coulda/shoulda thoughts. Still, I know it is tough to feel used and tossed. In reality, tho, you are escaping a man who is not worthy of marriage. Personally, I pity his future wife...<P>Just take care of yourself, OK?<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi<BR>

#663950 06/08/00 02:49 PM
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Popeye,<P>I am so sorry for the pain he has caused you. I wish there were magical words we could say to each other to make all of this better.<P>I have been thinking about you...wondering what his next move would be. Know that you are not alone, and we are all here for you.<P>Nancy

#663951 06/08/00 02:56 PM
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Hi Popeye<BR>I have a million thoughts running through my head and only a few minutes to type. I am in the exact same situation with my W. I used to feel just like you are right now, my W must pay for what she has done to our family, OM must pay, her family must pay for supporting her through this. I wondered though, what does that do for me? Absolutely nothing. Who is looking after me through this? Not the courts, that's for sure. I am the only one responsible for my actions and now I have complete control over my own destiny.<P>What a revelation! I am in control over my own destiny. I say it a couple of times a day and I feel better everytime. I know GOD has been there and he has a plan for me but no longer do I have to deal with all the nagging and painful questions of wondereing where our spouses are and what are they doing. <P>It takes a while to get here but once it does, there is a renewed vigour in your life and man, it feels great. <P>Now if I can only survive like this until the divorce is finalized.

#663952 06/08/00 03:34 PM
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I am sorry for what you are going through.. all the emotional pain and anger can be so overwhelming. I am sure that at this point in time the people that know you know the truth of what happened and why it happened and if you haven't opend up your mouth to tell people.. go ahead and vent! So what if it is not in the court records... you know the truth.. that is all that matters! You held true to your convictions and ideals so hold your head up high he clearly doesn't deserve you and know what he lost. But you know what, he will know one day.... at some point he will wake up and realize that he has lost a good woman. I am a big believer in what goes around comes around... hopefully we will all get to see it happen. My brother's first wife left him for a tennis pro... she took their two kids an married him, they had three other kids 9 a set of twins in there).. but now she has divorced him too and is sleeping around with who knows who ( my niece and nephew have told me she is unhapy and scared that she is alone now and over 40... nice thoughts to share with young kids huh?) Anyhow, now my brother was talking to his ex ws now ex H and he discovered that she was doing all the same kind of things to him as had happened in their marriage... now my brother finally has peace of mind as he realizes that there was nothing he could have done to save their marriage.. she just has problems. Another woman I met recently told me her H cheated on her and married the OW, but now they are having problems and the guys new wife has filed assault charges against him.. so it doesn't sound like he has a happy new marriage now does it? have faith.. things will get better. It sounds like you are moving into the anger stage.. that is ok and necessary....I was really angry at my H as he has been saying stuff like how he is happier now, etc...I told my inlaws that I was frustrated that he was moving on with his relationship and trying to claim it was a new relationship as opposed to someone he had left the marriage for.. and she said that I needed to have some faith that the family was not stupid and they could figure that out... <P>Remember to work on yourself and do things for you.. best of luck!

#663953 06/08/00 03:36 PM
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Thanks you guys! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Being able to lean on you means so much. I often find it so incredible that we can all be involved in our own turmoil yet still have enough energy and compassion to reach out and touch someone else. Amazing!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goober:<BR><B>I used to feel just like you are right now, my W must pay for what she has done to our family, OM must pay, her family must pay for supporting her through this. I wondered though, what does that do for me? Absolutely nothing. Who is looking after me through this? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Goober,<P>I know what you say is true. I normally have that same type of attitude, but yesterday I was just so bummed. I know the peaks and valleys are normal. I hate it when it gets me down though. Just when you think you are sucked dry, something happens that is worse than you imagined it ever could be. Just when you feel you've reached acceptance, the unsuspected punch to the gut knocks the wind out of you.<P>Actually, today I am over it. I really don't care about the money, the divorce, his reputation, or anything that he has done. I know that I have been honorable. He's creating his own karma, and God bless him for it. I don't have anything left to give him, and it does make it easier. Yes, he really is the dog his actions make him out to be.

#663954 06/08/00 06:52 PM
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Hey Popeye:<P>Aside from indignant, shocked, humiliated, how are you feeling?<P>I don't mean to be a smart a$$ but I am in a mood and have deep negative feelings for your spouse almost as much as I do for my current state at the moment.<P>It is incredible to me that 'poorme' had the audacity to get on this board an whine and carry on like he did about you. And the clincher is that he was planning this whole thing for months just to get past the six month marker. I think I would spend some time writing a notice and send copies to all his friends and family members (not really) but it would be somewhat satisfactory to be able to let the cat out of the bag and fill in your husband's line of support as to "who is that masked man???"<P>I am sorry, Popeye. I am so sorry you have to go through further 'discoveries'. But, I am glad to see that you have maintained and kept your head while all others around you are losing theirs.<P>Now, go for it.<P>Catnip =^^=

#663955 06/08/00 07:59 PM
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I have something different to say. I was wondering if 'poorme' has seen all your threads, with all the support you get & all the bashing he gets from everyone including you, not that he doesn't deserve most of it. I think that if there had been any glimmer of hope for reconciliation that was probably encouraged by these fora, it was probably effectively killed mostly by these same fora, too. Of course, I could be totally wrong. Anyway, maybe it's time to gracefully accept how things have turned out, learn the lessons, and just move on.

#663956 06/09/00 04:52 AM
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popeye Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>Aside from indignant, shocked, humiliated, how are you feeling?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks for asking. I am doing fine. I have a lot of emotions to process and don't really have the luxury of doing so because I have so many other things on my plate that demand my immediate attention. In some ways, that is good because it keeps me from dwelling on it, but resolution must come some time. I can crash on Sunday. If it's still there, I guess I will wallow then! ha!<P>I just keep going through the motions of doing the right thing and hoping that my feelings will catch up with my actions soon.<P>I feel for your situation too. I don't know if it's because you are so articulate and share some of the same emotions I have had or what it is, but though I don't always respond to what you've said, I feel it.<P>KenB,<P>I know what you are saying and agree with you, but the thing that I have almost always given my H is forgiveness, understanding, and a way to save face. It's been 7-8 months since I've said anything that blames him. I have always taken responsibility for my actions that contributed to how he felt, and he has accepted that as that and gone no further. I have explored every option about what to do with his child and how that can fit into our lives. I have opened up counseling to him. I have told him over and over when I am dying from the mean things he has said that I love him. The night he told me marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life, I told him I had no regrets and still love him! Though it hurts, I ask about his daughter and even asked if I could go to the hearing with him to support him. <P>So, yes I can see how it would be really hard for him to swallow all the criticism and responsibility for what he's done, but it is his to own. I cannot have him back until and unless he does or I'd just be asking for the same treatment. Look at all I've had to endure. It's horrible. Yet, I am still able to sit here and say that I did this and I did that and I could have done something more loving or been more understanding or taken a more proactive stance. I've taken steps to self improvement so I am aware of how my actions affect others. I am not excusing my behaviour. I am taking responsibility for it. His actions are no worse than some of the other betrayers here, but what makes him not worth pursuing is that he has no remorse. He takes no responsibility, even though he still has my love and forgiveness. I am not making him beg and crawl, just asking him to do some self examination and to love. If that is too much to expect, he's not worth having. Pursuing that road will only lead to more heartache.<P>I get the same encouragement and discouragement that he faces here. I can see how things have turned out, either positively or negatively for people. There are no guarantees. We have to make our own choices and see what we are willing to put into things. <P>Can you see what type of uncertainty I face? A serial cheater with a child with another woman who is living with yet another woman. This is a man whose current ambition is to make sure I get nothing from the prosperity we created together. With all that, I was still willing to believe in him. What is he risking that is so terrible with me? What does he have to lose? I'm sorry. I can see how it would be hard for him to accept himself and what he's done and all the work ahead to make happiness out of that, but taking that challenge is a badge of character. Walking away is cowardice. How much more will have to happen before I can walk away without considering one more way that this can be saved? It's in God's hands now.

#663957 06/09/00 07:56 AM
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I really feel for you popeye. I left work yesterday to take my daughter to soccer practise and was feeling great, I love spending time with my kids. I ended up in a conversation with my neighbour who started asking questions as to why there was always another guy at my house. I lost it, couldn't control the tears.<P>Every once in a while we will get that kick in a$$ that hurts and it hurts a lot. But, always try to focus on the big picture. What am I doing for myself today? How am I helping myself be a better person?<P>You can do it Popeye, I've read a lot of your posts and you have a lot to offer!!!!!

#663958 06/09/00 10:24 AM
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Hi Goober, Sorry about your being hit with the questions from your neighbor. I emathize - have had the experience of being hit as if with a 2x4, with the mention of something that made me realize my H had gotten together with his OW the night before. Utter public humiliation. (I posted about it on the boards.) My neighbor mentioned seeing my H buy a hot drink "for your son" who was out of town with me at the time. He made his comment in innocence, but immediately recognized something on my face that prompted him to stammer "I'm sorry, I'm sorry".<P>I wonder why your neighbor mentioned the other guy? Is he a "stream of consciousness" talker, says whatever comes through his mind? Innocent curiosity, ignorance of your troubles? Wondering whether a relative had moved in with you? or possibly a true friend trying to let you know what he might, in your position, want to know.<P>Sometimes other people see things we ourselves are too blind to pick up. They wonder whether to say anything.<P>Happy Father's Day soon.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

#663959 06/09/00 11:19 PM
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Hello Bellevue, or since we've been typing so often can I just call you Goddess for short? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It was a little bit of a shock, not because I wasn't aware of it but more because people outside of my circle of friends now know about it. It is humiliating. I think they said something to me to help me understand why things were going the way they were. They are nice people and are just trying to help. I too empathize with you, its not a great feeling knowing that everybody in the neighbourhood knows your dirty laundry.<P>[b} Sometimes other people see things we ourselves are too blind to pick up. They wonder whether to say anything. [/b]<P>Very well put. Bellevue, I've been living that line for too long.<P>Always nice to hear from you.


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