<BR>davep's wife opined:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Bystander is quite right that discussion on this is useless...I lurk here a lot, & see he has proved so over and over.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh my gosh, I honestly can't tell whether this is a compliment or an insult!<P>One interpretation: Bystander's mere presence destroys any chance of having a genuine discussion. He's done this over and over!<P>Second interpretation: Bystander's debating skills are so good that his debating partners wither under his forensic onslaught. He's done this over and over!<P>Hey, I'd choose the latter! <P>Bystander<BR>--<BR>Who is happily married with 3 wonderful children.

Nah, Bystander,<P>I just think it proves that even brilliant people, men AND women, can be viewed as anal-retentive at times.<P>Made me laugh, as I made a reference before, I get up on my soapbox sometimes. Guess its that estrogen flowing here again...oh, sorry that's illegal...(uh, that is a joke)<P>We'll meet again on a DIFFERENT thread I am sure. One of the things I like about this board is the varied opinions. But all good people. <BR>

Hey Bystander:<P>Based on the flak that I've generated over on the general board, I'd also suggest the one most likely to describe me:<P>K (or Bystander) is a pompous, egotistical know-it-all who's making all this stuff up (or quoting it directly from Harley, the resident deity).<P>(Sorry---I couldn't help myself. I think it's safer to vent over here in the hopes that my fellow sparring partners won't think I'm picking on them).<P>As another "outlier" on this curve, I had a friend who's wife died in childbirth (on #9). He raised all those kids without ever remarrying---and they turned out terrific. He's a real inspiration...

<BR>K,<P>Man, you are cracking me up!!! "Pompous, egotistical...etc." <P>This thread has made my day! <P>Bystander<P>

Texan:<P>It was me who started a topic very similar to yours. Although in my situation we both want 50/50 custody and I am stuck on absolutely having my 6 year old son overnights during the school week, even if it means having to alter his schedule to accomodate my wishes. My stbx refuses the proposal I made and wants to keep things as simple, stable, and consistent in his life...her getting him up and ready for school and taking him at the hour school starts, and me picking him up after school everyday, keeping him for homework, etc. then returning him to sleep in his own bed every night. She has also offered in addition to this weekday proposal, I keep our son every Friday nite and on alternating weekends. I am being a hardnose about this, indeed I know. I want mid-week overnights. But in order to do this, I would have to wake son up at 5:30 am, put him in my car and drive him to his mom's so she can get him ready for school. Unreasonable? Yeah I guess so. But the point I made before was the divorce is already altering our lifestyles. Don't you think son would get used to being up early a couple of mornings per week?<P>STBX says that since i refused her custody proposal she is asking her attorney to seek an order for a custody/psychiatrict evaluation of this situation. I'm afraid that if it gets to a judge, given the circumstances, he'll side with her.

I still believe divorcing parents need to stop thinking about what "they" want and think only of what is best for the kids.

As a follow-up to my initial post, wanted to let you all know what transpired today. We had a "settlement conference" (if that is the right phrase) w/ W, me and our attorneys. Prior to that meeting, W had adamantly refused to discuss custody except to say that my proposal for 50/50 custody was "miles apart from what she saw as reasonable." Consequently, going into today's meeting, I really didn't know what to expect but fully believed that her proposal would be "miles apart" from mine.<P>Miracle of miracles, what she proposed was extension of standard (for Texas) visitation order to be 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends from Thursday after school to Monday start of school and on even weeks from Wednesday end of school until Friday start of school. I need to sit down with a calendar and plot this out with holidays and all, but rough calculations are her proposal is approximately 59/41. Somehow doesn't seem quite "miles apart" to me.<P>Don't honestly know if her motive for this offer was honest concern for the children's best interest or merely uncertainty regarding her position if we did go to trial, but I definately left the meeting with the belief that we could work out an agreement. I wouldn't have bet a plugged nickel on that proposition before.<P>She also agreed: (1) that whoever was at the time the non-custodial parent would have right of first refusal if custodial parent needed child care for any reason (which will provide the kids additional time with me as she often has to travel for her work), (2) that as possessory time would be nearly equal, child support was fairly moot (instead, I had proposed that we set up a joint account under basically a partnership arrangement to cover clothes, non-insured medical care, private school if we opt for that, etc.), (3) that the custodial parent would have no overnight company of the opposite sex during parenting time (a concern given her current affair) and (4) her residence would remain in our county.<P>Still many details to be worked out, among the most significant of which is how to structure the residence requirement portion of the agreement as, at least locally, divorce decree provisions that the "primary parent" will not move away without approval of the court are regularly modified by the court on the basis of a new job offer, a new marriage, or a new phase of the moon.<P>All in all, I guess it was a pretty positive meeting. Although divorce is still not what I want, perhaps it will be more tolerable than I thought last week. <P>Sincere thanks to all who replied to my original question and to those who contributed to the dialoge it generated. This board and all of you have been (and I'm sure will continue to be) a tremendous resource to me and I have drawn such strength from all I have conversed with here. <P>I will leave you with a final thought. My attorney is fond of saying that different types of attorneys need different types of clients to make significant money. His analysis: "Probate lawyers need dead clients. Criminal attorneys need stupid clients. Divorce attorneys need crazy clients." My wish is that all of you going through a divorce be blessed with competent counsel and sane (at least semi-sane) spouses to keep from unneccessarily enriching the lawyers.<P>Of course, I guess that if our spouses didn't possess some degree of crazy, many of us wouldn't be in this position. My wife actually said two nights ago, in talking about her emotional blow-ups, that "Most of the time, if you wait a while after I blow-up emotionally, my logical and conscientious (sp?) side comes back out." I told her "That is what I am waiting for and knowing that is why I continue to have hope for our marriage." Somehow the humor was lost on her.<P>

Sounds like a good solution for the time - especially with the flexibility you are both displaying. You truly are looking out for the kids...<P>Agree totally about what makes a good attorney - I had a very good one - paid a very high hourly rate for her experience and "saneness" but she used very few hours - very responsive, always cut to the meat of the issue, put out logical solutions, efficient, avoided court time or posturing threats.<P>And your wife's logic may prevail in your marriage too. I am kind of the same way (emotional gut reaction first, then analyze actions to death, and come to sane conclusion) - and would expect her reaction to your remark was a sign she is thinking. Good luck. I'd put in a smiley, but I screwed it up in one above...better leave well enough alone here...

Starting Over,<BR><BR>Its obvious that I'm an advocate of a presumption of 50/50, but even I find myself agreeing with your W about the early wake-ups being a bad idea. I think your W is being quite flexible in negotiations on this. My advice is that you cede ground on the early wakeup issue and write in an agreement that you will each have full 50/50 later, when scheduling permits. I hate to put it this way, but if you insist on having a court hear this, you will come away with far less than you already have. The family courts are biased against men, and your W strikes me as being very fair here. I think she'd even agree to 50/50 in the divorce settlement, so long as scheduling permits. IMO, you are foolishly pushing this issue.<BR><BR>Texan,<BR><BR>Depending on your work schedule, you may not even want 50/50 custody anyhow. It sounds like you and your W are close to an agreement. Good going! <BR><BR>Bystander