Hi everyone,<P>This has turned into an informative thread. I too get a little defensive when I see someone being attacked for not working on the marriage. I waited a year for my x to return. We went to marriage counseling 6 months while he was seducing and dating the OW. I lost both of my parents a year apart 10 years ago and yes it sent my life spinning and yes it damaged our marriage. I withdrew from him because I resented the fact that he couldn't "handle" my parents dying. I now see that is just his way of dealing with pain. Some people are stronger than others and some people are more supportive than others. He just couldn't be either of those. Anyway my depression and his high stress job just took all the love left and swept it under the rug. It was not a healthy relationship and in restrospect. I thank god that my h had the guts to get out.<P>He is still w/OW and I have met a great guy I have been seeing for a year now. We have alot of fun together. We went to the baseball game last night. I love going cause we get to have fun, chat, eat junk, hold hands and talk about a future. Is it forever. Who knows? At this point we are both happy and we have known each other long enough to see the good and the bad. We are taking it slow and enjoying the relationship.<P>When I first started dating I was scared to death. I kept dating men who wanted to get physical way to fast. I wasn't too comfortable with that. I got married at 18 and he was my first. I ended up seeing my current boyfriend more and more, cause he wasn't applying that pressure. But, the anticipation was getting bigger and better. We both had been tested, cause both of our x partners had had affairs. I felt pretty safe and ready for that phase of our relationship. Im not sure that most guys would have been so patient. Anyway, all of us have to trust and try again. I plan on using MB principals if I ever get married again. Well gotta run. Good thread.<P>Cya, Gerri <P>

This whole dating thing is so strange. I met x at 18, married him at 21 and that really cramped my dating style. I'd only been dating 3 years when I met him. So I have very limited experience.<P>Anyway, so it got really physical really fast. Sort of sneaked up on us. So, we're working hard on backing off that. Individually spending some prayer on that. It was really weird praying with him. Never did that before. <P>So, how does I guy capable of that kind of .....energy manage to find enough strength, is that the word I want, to turn it off so well? I didn't know they could. I don't think I do it as well as he does. Does being a former "fornicating pagan' have anything to do with it? (his discription of himself) <P><p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited August 21, 2000).]

Cinderella:<P>It sounds like you are now regreting the decision you made regarding going too fast in a relationship.<P>I wonder how many others are regretting their decisions.<P>I also wonder for those who are dating, if anyone has experienced the first bad breakup yet. If so, how hard was it to get though? I heard if you date too soon you aren't healed and therefore will suffer more than if you wait awhile. Any thoughts on that?<P>I'm trying to decide whether I want to date now and if so, what guidelines I should follow.<P>[This message has been edited by stressedout (edited August 21, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by stressedout (edited August 21, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Does being a former "fornicating pagan' have anything to do with it? (his description of himself) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>yikes, that doesn't sound good. can you elaborate on that? was there anything else he said that was wierd like that?<P>does that mean his wife was asexual< and he pleasured himself throughout his relationship?<P>thl<BR>

Hi friends,<P>I am back too. I was out of town a lot last week, first with a LONESTAR concert , Six flags and went out of town for the weekend.<P>Did anyone miss me???? Hmmm, I wonder.<P>On to the chemistry subject, the original thread, I too, had to deal with some personal issues on this one these past few weeks.<P>Once again, I have found myself in a situation that I certainly was not looking for, and certainly had no idea would happen. <P>Anyhow, how can two people connect so easily?? How can we even feel this trust to be vulnerable after being hurt time and time again>? I don't know, but I am baffled by it.<P>I have spent some time with a totally charming, handsome, extremely smart and totally sweet person recently. We think so much alike its scary. Even our personalities, and humor are the same. We have finished each others sentences more than once, and it frightens us both. After being hurt over and over, I myself have a guard up and don't care to get too close.<P>Now I'm struggling like 711 and am constantly emailing with Sue or her on some of this. Among a few others on this thread who may wish to be nameless, however, all in all, I think its great to have friends here to confide in, both male and female. <P>I think we all have the same fears, and we just tackle them differently. For me, fear, is such a challenge I usually just go right at it and try to figure it all out. Others need a different approach. Its all about who we are and what experiences have made us who we are today.<P>Now as far as this chemistry thing, I really see it as a challenge TO stay away when you want to spend more time with someone. Although, I've learned since my last downfall, and that is to go slow, assume nothing and communicate as much as you can.<P>Life is just one big roller coaster and today, I seem to be going up. Any day now, I'll be divorced, and I'm sure I'll be going back down again.<P>Hugs and Prayers,Dana<BR>

So, as to what current interest means by "fornicating pagan - he spent a lot of years in the recreational drug scene and a lot of women. Hasn't done it in years. Woke up one day and realized that alcohol and marijuana weren't doing him any real good. Asked God to help him give them up and quit basically cold turkey. Then he realized the party girls weren't nearly as much fun when he wasn't in a fog. Gave them up and started looking for something better. He had, for a long time, ignored the religious training he had as a child and came back to it only, instead of Episcopalian he is more southern Baptist or nondenominational now.<P>So, I'm with Dana. how can there, out of the blue and unexpectedly be so much chemistry? Fortunately, it's both intellectual and physical.<P>You're right when you get the feeling that I want to slow down the physical stuff because I don't think it's easy to get to know another person intellectually and emotionally when you are so busy getting to know them physically. <P>What scares me is that I have always been the quintessential "good girl". You could practically have written to textbook on being a good girl based on my life. (Other than x date raped me the first time I ever had sex and, if you dismissed that emotional damage, it felt good and I started volunteering to do it again. After a few years of marriage, x did become sexually anorexic and got his jollies in the shower alone.) Married my one and only partner. Never used an illegal drug. Never smoked. Would probably have sung in the church choir, if the church had one. According to one friend's women's group, I got my virginity back last winter when I had been celibate for 5 years. <P>So, I've met a man who is stimulating on lots of levels, and I don't want to get too sucked in too fast. I don't know how to see things clearly. I don't want to read too much or too little into what's going on. I had hoped things would be a little clearer at this age.<P>What's a girl to do? <P>

well, we all just went through a big sensitivity training course called<P>marriage failure 101, but we learned so many lessons that we are overwhelmed at being able to apply all of them all at once.<P>I think now, when we don't see red flags about this or that, that we were so used to seeing, that we think there is something wrong without the red flags.<P>the issues we had are now no longer issues, and that frees our minds up to be open to huge possibilities.<P>therefore, we need to continue down these paths without giving up other paths for the moment, and enjoy life<P>thl

I'm with you thl!

I'm going away this weekend, to analyze this chemistry!! <P>I'll let you know what I figure out when I get back.<P>Cinderella, I am with you on the slowing down on the physical aspect to get to know each other. It feels like your drawn together like a magnet.<P>The harder you pull away the harder you get sucked in.<P>THL, I agree.<P>Dana<BR>

OK, I tried to analyze it, and I got no where. I decided to back off and see what would happen. I didn't actually say I was doing this, I was just a little more "casual" about things. Well it turns out I got sick this weekend and he ended up taking me to dinner, lunch, and we rented movies. I had a great time, and unfortunately the way our schedules work out, I won't see him for a few weeks, but I'll still talk to him once on PC and once on the phone (2 hrs a night) until then.<P>The only thing I can explain it is like being in highschool and having a crush on someone. <P>

I don't know if it's like a teenage crush or not. I was only 18 when I met x and was married at 21. I had started dating at 15. Only had one date with a boy I went to high school with. The rest came from other sources. None from church. <P>You know, getting married really messes up your dating life.

dating life.... STINKS!<P>too confusing and an awful lot of work, but its the part of the process and I suppose it gets better.<P>

Hey gals,<P>Dating does stink when you are used to being married. It drove me crazy for months. I have now managed to settle down and just enjoy it while it is so positive. It does feel like highschool again when you get that lift from a nice call or email. I don't know who said it but I really liked the comment that we have learned alot from our failed marriages and we will enter the next reltionship with more life skills. Anyway, it sounds like we are all learning to trust again which is a healthy skill to learn. <P>I have noticed since my divorce has become final, my boyfriend talks more about "us" in a future sense. Maybe things were being held at bay until I was actually free? Maybe we are just willing to trust each other more as we spend more time together? I can't really figure it out. When I went to europe with him for 3 and a half weeks, I realized that we had so much more than just a physical relationship. We are each others biggest supporters. I also got darn right sick of spending 24/7 with him and that is ok too. Oh well gotta go.<P>Gerri

Hi friends,<P>Let me rephrase that its been a hard week on me. I'm still seeing the sweetie. Dating is hard cuz you don't know what they think of you in the beginning, its kinda stressful and its hard to find out what expectation and boundaries there are, or wondering if they are just seeing you and are u to just see them.<P>I dont' do well on that part, but I'm working on it, dating doesn't stink, I think I was in shock, sorry guys!<BR>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>It's ok to have a day. We are women!! Ha ha<P>G

It's BIZARRE to have your name as the first word in the topic name of a flaming thread that's about "chemistry" <P>Dating is scary. Especially before you decide you can just be yourself. That's sort of been my attitude with the guy I'm seeing now.<P>Guy I'm dating said something Saturday night that made me very happy and very sad. He told me that I feel good. I would love to know the specifics but am truly afraid/embarrased to ask. Did he mean I, physically, my body, felt good or did he mean that I made his body feel good? And how do I find out what he meant? How do you ask that question? <P>In the 20 years I was with x from the time we started dating till he left, I don't think he ever paid me that kind of compliment. No one else I ever dated ever said that, either. But I never with them. Just two guys in my whole life. Promise. <P>Like I said it made me so happy and so sad.<P>I feel so "16" asking that question. And I know there are men who read this. If everyone does come to Nashville, half of you will think I'm a slut. But I'm not. <P>So how do I find out what he meant? Just let it go or be blunt and ask him? We're pretty open about things.

Cinderella,<P>Just ask him! I bet you are pleasantly surprised, that it is just the way you make him feel - all of the above.<P>My guess: that your relationship with him, is making him feel the same way that you feel about him- special.<P>I bet you make him feel sexy, funny, confident, wanted. I read some where that you can't like someone who doesn't like you, nor can you dislike someone who likes you.<P>If it were just a just a physical thing, I doubt those would have been the words he used. Sounds very nice to me.<P>Oh, I have those feelings when I think about my friend, where the heart starts to pound, and the flutter goes up from the stomach to my chest. It is an overall "happy" feeling that pretty much encompasses the entire relationship, not just one aspect. I end up smiling. And can't wait to see him. I am so happy to have those feelings again, and to not feel vulnerable (in the bad sense, you know?), just very much alive after feeling dead for so long...<BR>

Honey - we have to meet. You are coming to the shindig?<P>Yes. Yes. Yes. <P>You're exactly right when you say you've been brought back to life. I know that feeling so well. I've used that expression so many times.<P>Not in connection with this man, though. I was resuscitated by a different man though there was no chance of it going anywhere. My sister saw I was dying emotionally. She told her husband that he was to take me out and make me happy. He and I were dining and dancing buddies for a long time. That's all but I finally realized that I was a better woman than I had been lead to believe. It sounds strange but that is what brought me back to life.

I think that it is a wonderful thing we can feel this again. After so much pain and hurt it is hard to let down those defenses we have put up. <P>But, I bet the men you are seeing have these same feelings!! They are also taking a risk, and (TS may disagree with me here ) but I believe men go through simliar pain and hurt as we do!! They also have to reach out, as we do to rebuild. <P>My friend was in his marriage for 27 yrs. He was faithful, but they had problems. She ended up having an affair. He forgave her, but it was not the same. They sep for 2 yrs, finally divorced. He was incredibly hurt by it all (she also used their son as a bartering chip ) but he has reached out to me. He has read "HN, HN", and some of the other relationship books I have picked up. <P>He wants another marriage, and he wants it to be good. He is showing me love like I never knew! I am cautious, but falling for him more and more. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Cinderella,<P>just ask him, "What does that mean?" or what did you mean by that?<P>it appears now you are in the analysis stage, that's good.<P>and BTW, guys have the same problem, not wanting to risk getting hurt either.<P>thl