On my other thread there was a couple of posts that got me thinking. Since the majority of the ex/stbx are still with op, do you think the stbx/ex will ever regret their decision to leave?<P>

Tulip,<BR>I don't know the answer to that one. My therapist along with most other experts on infidelity say that they eventually do regret leaving the marriage. I think it comes down to realizing that greener pastures are not always greener. They just appear that way because they've been fertilized with a lot of [censored]. Pardon my French. Well, it's not really French. At any rate...I sometimes think my stbx will never realize what he's done. But, I can't base all my hopes on his realization. I can either continue to wallow in this nightmare or I can wake up and move on. I've wasted the last year and a half of my life hoping he would regret his decision and see the light. It hasn't happened yet. And it may never happen. I guess I have come to realize that it's pointless to ponder this...I have to move on at some point as if our relationship is truly dead. But, that's easier said than done. I guess I haven't really said much here that's useful. The bottom line is...Yep, they probably do realize their mistake, but by the time they do, it's too late. <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi guys - I hear this all the time from friends who are tyring to be helpful...they care and they want the stbx to pay - to be sorry later. I don't think, in my case, that it matters. I don't care anymore - whether or not he is sorry later won't matter. Personally, I don't think my stbx will ever say the words "I'm sorry" to me. He very rarely did during our relationship, why would he start now? I don't want to paint my stbx as totally uncaring - it just never occurs to him that other's feelings matter just as much as his.

I don't think they will allow themselves. I think they have sold themselves that we were wrong for them and they were justified for doing what ever they had to do to get out of their marriage to us. They can not look back and see what they have done, so I think they will bury it.

I think some do and some don't. Some people have a hard time admitting their wrong or appologizing, those types may never admit it. <P>My ex regrets it. Too bad for him. I regret that he left his family on xmas, gave up his whole life, one that many people would love to have, for a life so different.<P>Since he knows his options are out of his hands at this point, he chooses to be nice to me when he is not getting along with her and mean to me when they are doing well. <P>So they ride a roller coaster too. This past weekend, he stopped to give me child support and forced me to kiss him and TRIED to have sex! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR<P>I felt disgusted and still do. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole after what he's done, and not only that, his warped concept that we are still married and I am still his wife, so this is OK, is a crock. <P>Meanwhile, OW happily thinks he is faithful to her, ya right.<P>Since he was vulnerable at that moment, I did get a moment of truth out of him, for what its worth, it means nothing.<P>At some point, you let go so much that whether they regret it, whether they are sorry or whether their still with OP, no longer becomes an issue. I do want him to have a different girlfriend so she doesn't influence my 3 daughters to do what she did one day.<P>But other than that, honestly , I think MOST really do regret it secretly, but would never admit that to anyone for they have too much pride to admit it.<P>Prayers, Dana<P>

I don't know. Mine doesn't seem to though he has said there were/are lots of nights when he cries about seeing his children so little. Well, this is what he chose and I don't feel very sorry for him. He is his own problem and the sooner he recognizes this, the better off he'll be. But his behavior doesn't indicate that he has a clue yet. Just so he leaves me alone and quits being emotionally abusive to me, I don't really care. <P>Someone sent me a bunch of bumper stickers and one seemed appropriate for this post, "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them." <P>So, I try to ignore him and do the best job I can with my life. How he feels isn't my big concern.

My wife of 16 years is divorcing me... she has already filed... I don't think there is an OM... but who knows.. I refuse to torture myself enough to find out...<P>Several times now she has told me she is sorry about "all this"... indicating that she is already having some regrets... but she moves foward anyway...<P>I am just sure that I will never understand this...

Hey Tulip,<P>I just posted this to Nellie and brought it over here for you. I did regret my decision so many years ago.<P>Nellie,<P>Yes, there is definately a down side. I was the betrayer 14 years ago with my FW. I believe that the problems I am having now are "payback" What goes around does come around, Karma. <P>I can't believe that I was so stupid to hurt the woman I loved and deprive my children of a father for the 9 months I was with the OW. I will take that to the grave. When I look at my kids or talk to the X, I am reminded of my failure.<P>I lost out on seeing my two boys grow up. I missed out on roughly 10 years of their life. I never saw my youngest take his first steps or use the potty for the first time. Silly, you may say, but it still hurts me. I have not connected with him yet and he is 15.<P>Believe me, one day your H will have to own up for his actions. I had to.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>I don't think they will allow themselves. I think they have sold themselves that we were wrong for them and they were justified for doing what ever they had to do to get out of their marriage to us. They can not look back and see what they have done, so I think they will bury it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I agree. My H is so cold to me (but civil) and even admits that he can't think about my feelings or it would drive him insane. He says he doesn't think about how I feel or even about what he is doing. He has to block all that out to continue. These are his exact words.<P>Among all the other feelings I have for him (both good and bad), I feel really sorry for him not being able to face his feelings and living in this self-imposed fog ...yeah, yeah, I know he ripped my heart and isn't all that concerned with how I'm coping. But I love him. And the love I have from him forces me to care about his feelings, his self-esteem, his eternal life even.<P>And that's my problem. I've posted it in another post, so I won't get into it here...but it's incredibly hard to let go of that kind of love. I feel like I am cutting my arm off. It truely hurts me to see him hurting in this way.<P>That's all I have to say about that. <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>I don't think they will allow themselves. I think they have sold themselves that we were wrong for them and they were justified for doing what ever they had to do to get out of their marriage to us. They can not look back and see what they have done, so I think they will bury it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I agree. My H is so cold to me (but civil) and even admits that he can't think about my feelings or it would drive him insane. He says he doesn't think about how I feel or even about what he is doing. He has to block all that out to continue. These are his exact words.<P>Among all the other feelings I have for him (both good and bad), I feel really sorry for him not being able to face his feelings and living in this self-imposed fog ...yeah, yeah, I know he ripped my heart and isn't all that concerned with how I'm coping. But I love him. And the love I have from him forces me to care about his feelings, his self-esteem, his eternal life even.<P>And that's my problem. I've posted it in another post, so I won't get into it here...but it's incredibly hard to let go of that kind of love. I feel like I am cutting my arm off. It truely hurts me to see him hurting in this way.<P>That's all I have to say about that. <P><BR>

Mine said it was the "right" thing to do, with no warning, no communication that she was feeling this way, that it would be too easy to just stay.<P>anyway, now she doesn't have to answer any questions or admit that her basic personality is a LB. She was feeling so good at a recent friends reception, looking for guys to chat with, get to know as friends, and get to know well, kind of like the dating she wants to do, and her friend told her, "no, those guys are all drug addicts. . . " that is where she was looking for more dates.<P>and all she could say to my plan a was, it's too late, you can never change. . . you make me feel guilty, <P>and I guess then, she could never change either.<P>and you know what, the biggest mistake I had<BR>was working too hard, and loosing track of time when I was working very hard. and how much was the last six months of work worth?<P><BR>thl

I think it is possible to be really, really sorry about having done something so wrong and caused an innocent person so much hurt but to also be certain that you did the right thing in leaving the marriage. I know I can say that my H the betrayer is very very sorry that things happened like they did and that he did what he did. But that is different from also feeling he should still be married to his XW.<P>Del

I guess I am trying to say that it can be right to leave the marriage but it can be done in a very wrong wrong way. And cheating is always the wrong way to do what might be a right thing.<P>Del

To THL:<P>Your's sounds like a carbon copy of mine. It must have been a millenium bug. Our marriage was stronger than ever, then BOOM, W gets involved with a guy she had a crush on in HS (and he had one for her too!).<P>A 42 year old woman, mother of a 4 year old D, down in FL with "the home wrecker" last January while her parents are staying in our dream home taking D to and from nursery school.<P>Will she ever regret it? I don't think she's the type, too proud to ever admit it anyway, a real fireball.<P>The pain our D is going through doesn't seem to phase her either. You gotta believe that Saint Peter is going to give them a good going over, if they make it that far.<P>jay

Jay,<P>that's not to say I didn't contribute to part of the problem, but I didn't quit, I used my words, as we say to children, but it is not in her personality to be truthful under difficult situations.<P>It is also not in her personality to solve difficult problems, or any problems. it has been shown time and time again in our relationship.<P>there is just the mid life crises of i am not the right person, because of my career and my goals. And she has made so many apologies to me since this crap started, and changed opinions about values, that you would think she would slow down. Even said she was out of control, but refused to change her mind.<P>so wierd things happen, and this is one of them. <P>thl

my ex doesn`t know how to have any regrets...!<P>he shuts you out moves on, and never looks back.. he locks those doors to his past history..<P>I was his second marraige, and he had a live in GF, in between the two marriages..<P>he is now on his 4th victom, and has not once looked at this as anything to do with him self.. of course it was all us woman that were the problem.. never once thinking, hey! maybe I do have a problem.. this is now his fourth realtionship at age 53!!! you think it is time to grow up!!?? <P>he won`t have a care in the world, who he hurt or what he`s has done or not done to get where we are.. he is just stuck in the self indulgence stage.. and is never going to face his own head problems.. it is too easy to run from them.. obviously he has made a pattern in his life, as to how he handles things.. <P><BR>money is his answer to all his problems.. pay them off and they`ll leave you alone..<P>If he had put a quarter of the effort he did into his business, in our realtionship.. we would have lived to 100 yrs old!!!<P>AV

My H will never ever voice his regret to anyone...he cannot face what he did within himself and since he is always right then it is all my fault.<P>Actually he told a friend that he was sorry but<BR>1)if he was sorry then his continued inflamatory behaviour towards me would cease<BR>2)he would stop blaming me<BR>3)he would be able to contact me about children's visitation...and due to this he cannot take our d away......<BR>4)he would stop telling all he was in love and happy to convince himself that this is the cse. I know that he is not happy at many things which have unfolded.....<BR>5)if he had regrets he would be able to move forward in his life, and not remain in this "holding pattern" of the divorce settlement.<P>Nothing makes sense where thisa man is concerned except that he is a pompous [censored] and a liar to boot!!!!! So I would not even believe him if he stated that he was sorry.....I would want to know his ulterior motives.<P>He will never admit he is wrong or made a mistake or whatever....but I no longer care....and that it the important thing for me.<P>

My MIL told me that after her H left her for a 25-year old (she was 46), and then married her and adopted her kid, that people would tell her that the OW was always yelling at him "why don't you just go back to Shirley, that's what you really want to do anyway!" Well, now that she has seen her oldest and youngest sons do EXACTLY the same thing to their families (I'm married to her youngest), I do believe that at some point he too will regret it exactly as his father did. The sins of the father...<P>And yes, he will never admit it and I really don't care anymore. Doesn't mean it doesn't kill me inside tho because my memories are mostly good even tho his are all bad.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I do have to say, to willbok, mine treats me exactly the same way as yours does. Can't even look me in the eye and speak to me. Is completely incapable of the truth, about anything. Lies to his own kids and they are also losing trust in him - when they are with him they test him for the truth and question him a lot. It's sad. He can't even see the deterioration of his relationship with his own little boys and that hurts me the most. He will NEVER admit he was wrong in all his cheating and lying.<P>P.S. His dad died at 52, heart attack. His older brother almost died at 52 (5-way heart bypass), but survived and is still with his bimbo. ?? We'll see.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy