Well all, I'm back. Two weeks ago things started to get really bad. We were fighting all the time about who was trying and who wasn't. It got so bad that I left. I went to my moms with the kids so I could have some breathing room. After two days he called me up and begged me to come back. He told me that he had run out of his medication and hadn't refilled it. Things were so bad because he didn't refill his perscription. Knowing how the medicine makes things better wouldn't you be sure that you had it refilled. I came back after I got a written promise that he would not let that happen again. I feel like I am his mother not his wife. But for what it is worth, here I go again. We are taking a family trip this weekend so maybe that will help. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Oh, Steph ... I was wondering what was up.<p>Just a suggestion, although it kind of goes against your not wanting to be his mother, but maybe you could monitor his medication and refill it for him when it runs low? I have always done this sort of thing in my home, for me and my husband both. If he is willing to let you do it, you might prevent difficult times like these.<p>Hope things improve for you over the holiday! Happy Thanksgiving!<p>terri

Steph,<br>Sorry you went through that. My wife refuses to take any anti-depressants. Despite her therapist's suggestions.<br>I keep having the same arguments with my wife. Who is trying? Who isn't.<br>She realizes, and sees, now much I am trying to rebuild our relationship. However, she keeps telling me she resents me for this. She asks why didn't I treat her like this for the past years? I think she feels that if I had been acting like this, she would not have had her affair (I guess that takes a little blame off of her).<br>She tells me, every so often, that she is trying. In her own way. She has to learn how to accept what I am doing. She also has to learn how to accept my love.<br>I know you've been going through this for a long time. Keep strong.<br>Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Bill and Terri,<p>Thank you both for your words of encouragement. We had a big talk last night and I told him that I just can't be his mother. I can't take care of him and the three kids and myself at the same time. I told him that I will stay here until my youngest starts school which gives him five years. We will see where things are at that time. Right now my kids are what is important and they need me to be home. Who knows. Maybe in five years he will get it together. <p>Steph

Thank you for your post!! This is the first time I've visited here, although we have been through the course. Your post described Exactly what I've been feeling!! I do not want to be his mother, I want to be his wife. I can't offer any advice, but it is nice knowing that someone else understands the feelings.<p>How do you deal with the lonliness of not having a partner? Karen

Mothers and Sugar Daddies;<p>Steph, you know at one time I felt like I had 5 kids to take care of. Well, 6 including myself. At times I resented it. I felt like I was pulling a heavy load around behind me. Hitched to the plow like a Missouri Mule (that "show me" kind of mule). <p>Is being resentful a love-buster? Do you some times feel like a beast of burden? Then I must admit that I mistreated carol. I remember during one argument, I claimed she acted more like a daughter than a wife. That was kind of mean, wasn't it? <p>I don't want a mother, I want a wife. If you knew my mother you would understand why too! If I knew that my wife was not taking her medication I would remind her. I would refill her perscriptions for her. Ask yourself why your husband isn't taking his medicine, "knowing that he feels worse." That to me sounds like a depressed man. I know, because it sounds like me. I am diabetic. This week I ran out of insulin and waited two days to get a refill. That was pretty stupid and got painful too. <p>I agree with Terri on this. If a spouse, child or friend needs help staying healthy, we should out of love give of ourselves. <p>

Karen,<p>You ask how I deal with the lonliness of not having a partner and I wish I had the answers for you. I have good friends and a very supportive family. After six years of this I guess I have just gotten used to how things are. I can describe it like being a single mother. I hold on to my dear friends and pray for the day I can call him one. I must say though that there are days I don't deal with it very well and that is when we fight. I wish you luck in you situation.<p>Glenn,<p>I am familiar with your story because I have followed it on the infidelity board. I wish you were as familiar with mine. You say that he sounds depressed. Well talk about hitting the nail on the head. The medication he was to be taking was for depression. As for reminding him, I have gone that route. Asked him every morning if he had taken it or not. I was told to back off that I was smothering him. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm told to trust him and yet he does nothing to earn my trust. I'm told to believe in him yet all he does is let me down. At our last session the counselor told him to do something once a day and four weeks later he has yet to even do it once. Should I remind him to try? Is it my job to tell him daily to be nice to me? At what point does it change from me making him try and him wanting to try? If you have the answers Glenn I would love to hear them. <p>Steph

Steph,<br>I don't think I could give any advice that someone else hasnt given or that you haven't tried. I, too, am a mother, not a wife. My H resents me for being his mother, and I resent him for his irresponsibility. <p>I was really hoping that your situation would turn around after he called begging you to come home. <p>I admire your faith. I feel like I keep running out of faith lately. You are in my prayers.<p>Deanne

Steph--<br>I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going any better. I had two thoughts when I read your posts----<br>1. I'm glad to have my medication to take. But it sounds like his frame of mind isn't right yet to know that he truly needs to be taking it. Therefore you might need to help. But I know I should never ask my husband if he's done something, but tell him to do it. (this is what I do with my husband and his vitamin---not---have you taken your vitamin today? but just give it to him at dinner time)<br>I put him on the offense if I ASK him a question, but if I just GIVE it to him he'll just take it.<br>also you you think it makes any difference that you told him that you have until your youngest is in school? I've said the same thing to my husband (but we only have 2.5 years). But he seems to have "forgotten" that since things are on an even keel now. I can't say that they are really better. We aren't arguing much, but it is just because we are too busy. I think when things slow down we will have problems again.<br>My biggest fear is that I will never be in love with him again. We still have no regular intimate relationship, sexual or not. But he is happy because to hiim everything is status quo. <br>I'll be thinking about you---I hope your Thansgiving weekend was nice.

Steph,<br>I also discovered that my wife was "mothering" me. For the past couple of years, she would shop for me, do errands, pick out my clothes (when we go out together), make all of my appointments (haircut, dentist, etc.). <br>It started out that I would not have time to do things on my own, so she would do them for me. As things progressed, she did more and more.<br>I am now making a consious effort to take more responsibility for myself. I hope she notices.

Bill,<p>I read how your weekend went. I hope things are going better now. As for being his mother, it was just like with you. I started doing things for him to help his during times of stress. Only thing is it never stopped. I have left him to do his things but then they never get done. My problem is I think that I am getting to pushy to have him do things. I'm running out of patience and I'm not being very good at letting things take their course. Take care.<p>GBM,<p>I can understand where you are coming from. We have put things on hold for the last few weeks because they announced some layoffs at his company. The stress has been unbearable around here. That is why we took off for the weekend. We found out today that he will still have his job. Whew. That was a big relief but when I brought other stuff up he just walked away and left the house. I want things to be better NOW. And like you I wonder if they ever will be. Keep up the work in improving yourself and only time will tell. As for telling him the time limit. I don't think I should have said it, but like I said I am running out of patience and thought that a limit might show him that I am serious about this. I feel like I am grasping at straws now. I thought curing the depression would fix everything else but I was wrong. My prayers are with you as always. <p>Deanne,<p>Thank you for your prayers. I used to live on "if only's". If only he would be this way or do this. If only I could accept the way things are. Now I take one day at a time and try to focus on the good. Be strong and take care of you. Good luck. <p>Steph

Steph,<br>As of last night, things were better. I think the movie content got to her. Last night, she went to sleep on my shoulder. What a great feeling.<br>She also told me that there are days she needs to be left alone. She said she has a lot of her own s--t to get through, and work things out. I guess I have to learn how to just step back and not get upset.<br>Thanks.

GBM --<p>I surely know that scared feeling. What if I don't ever fall back in love with him? What am I willing to do with the rest of my life then?<p>I am amazed at your and Steph's desire to give this so many years. I don't know if I have the patience or strength or inner spirit to go like this for years and years.<p>Because I am so scared of this marriage ending, I think sometimes that I should be more pro-active in looking after myself and my and my kid's future. Like maybe look for another job (I work with H in our company). But he interprets this scared reaction as giving up, and then I get the classic "You will get everything I own anyway; the judge will see to that."<p>If he would just TRY to understand where I am coming from. I tell him and tell him how I feel, but he doesn't seem to hear me. I make a huge effort to understand his anger and his neediness and his desire to hurt me sometimes because I have hurt him, but he never tries to understand WHY I might be feeling or saying the things I say.<p>I asked him last night to put himself in my place and realize the fright, confusion, guilt and all the other crap that I might be going through, too. He said he wouldnt. Added just another chapter to the nights novel of fighting.<p>We are going to end up with an encyclopedia soon........<p>Maria

Maria,<p>Again, counseling has been key for me. I think I understood my wife's position before we entered counseling (Under some duress, she admitted her feelings, we were in counseling within 2 weeks).<p>There are ways of recognizing someone's feelings in a compassionate way, and at the same time not taking on guilt or whatever. And to refuse things or reject things but with boundaries put on your refusal. Example: No I don't want to cuddle or talk now, but I could maybe tomorrow. Or, I recognize and I understand how you're feeling and I wish you weren't feeling so badly.<p>I think that maybe you could tell your husband that one of the most important things he could do is try to see things from your perspective? It's possible to do that and at the same time not necessarily agree with your perspective. But I think that it's crucial to understand how a spouse could be feeling - to validate the spouse's feelings.

Maria---yes, sometimes I wonder just how long I am going to wait. And then I think if I would have given up when this first hit me then we wouldn't have 2 of our kids .<br>I wish you better luck than I've had, but I only discovered this forum a few months ago. ANd only read Dr. H's book this summer.<p>Steph--<br>Glad to hear that your family wasn't affected by the layoffs. That is great news! We have dealt with that stress since before marraige. So much that it is really just a fact of life now. Not looking forward t the day that it is reality. But maybe it'll bring a good change.