Um, I'm thinking of giving this to my wife. I don't know if it will accomplish anything, or drive her away. My only reason is as a way of apologizing to her. Kinda' amazing that she would leave me, 'eh? Unfortunately, it's all true.<P>******************************************<P>xxxxx,<P>As part of my self-realization and self-therapy in order to try and better myself as a person, I have asked the Lord to help me compile a list of the ways that I have been a failure. This includes the ways that I have failed you, your children, and our marriage. I feel that you are more familiar with my shortcomings than anybody else, and would appreciate your input and assistance. Please review this list at your convenience, feel free to write any comments or add anything to it, and return it to me if necessary. This is not written in any specific order.<P>I have given conditional love.<BR>I have been selfish with my love and desires.<BR>I have been judgmental of your thoughts.<BR>I have been judgmental of your actions.<BR>I have been judgmental of your decisions. <BR>I have been self centered and selfish.<BR>I never believed that I could be wrong.<BR>I have not given you the time that you deserve.<BR>I have not given you the emotional support that you deserve.<BR>I have not given you or anyone else compassion.<BR>I haven’t done what was best for you in a given situation.<BR>I took your love and our marriage for granted.<BR>I have judged your children and found fault in their actions.<BR>I judged your children for faults that I had within myself.<BR>I never made an effort to show love to the children.<BR>I never made an effort to become part of their lives.<BR>I was lacking in my financial responsibilities.<BR>I never did my share around the house.<BR>I was lazy and procrastinated.<BR>I never made an effort to do the tasks that you asked.<BR>I never put you at the top of my priority list.<BR>I never understood your reasons for decisions.<BR>I have never shown unconditional love to everyone in every situation.<BR>I have never treated you as a partner.<BR>I never learned how to communicate with you on an intimate level.<BR>I never thought about your feelings or emotions.<BR>I have never shared my feelings or emotions.<BR>I never gave freely of my time to you or your children.<BR>I never offered to re-arrange our budget to benefit your children.<BR>I acted as if the dog deserved more of me than anyone else.<BR>I never made anyone feel welcome in our home.<BR>I mistreated the children through my own selfishness.<BR>I failed you emotionally in times of need.<BR>I failed to stand up for you when others verbally made you uncomfortable.<BR>I spent too much time away from you and your children, focusing on my other priorities.<BR>I never learned what your emotional needs were, or how to fulfill them.<BR>I never learned of your need for physical comfort and how to fulfill it.<BR>I made you feel as though I only wanted to touch you for sex.<BR>I never learned to look at you or others with love and through God’s eyes.<BR>I never led you to believe that I trusted you.<BR>I was overly jealous.<BR>I was too controlling.<BR>I never appreciated the value of a family.<BR>I never made an effort to keep romance alive.<BR>I never told you how much I appreciated you.<BR>I never told you how much I loved you.<BR>I never told you the reasons why I loved you.<BR>I never fully realized this until now, or attempted to fix it.<P>I have asked God to forgive me for the faults on this list and anything else that I’ve forgotten. I pray that someday you might also forgive me. I am truly sorry.<P>xxxx<P><p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 29, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Still Praying:<BR><B>Um, I'm thinking of giving this to my wife. I don't know if it will accomplish anything, or drive her away. My only reason is as a way of apologizing to her. Kinda' amazing that she would leave me, 'eh? Unfortunately, it's all true.<P>******************************************<P>xxxxx,<P>As part of my self-realization and self-therapy in order to try and better myself as a person, I have asked the Lord to help me compile a list of the ways that I have been a failure. This includes the ways that I have failed you, your children, and our marriage. I feel that you are more familiar with my shortcomings than anybody else, and would appreciate your input and assistance. Please review this list at your convenience, feel free to write any comments or add anything to it, and return it to me if necessary. This is not written in any specific order.<P>I have given conditional love.<BR>I have been selfish with my love and desires.<BR>I have been judgmental of your thoughts.<BR>I have been judgmental of your actions.<BR>I have been judgmental of your decisions. <BR>I have been self centered and selfish.<BR>I never believed that I could be wrong.<BR>I have not given you the time that you deserve.<BR>I have not given you the emotional support that you deserve.<BR>I have not given you or anyone else compassion.<BR>I haven’t done what was best for you in a given situation.<BR>I took your love and our marriage for granted.<BR>I have judged your children and found fault in their actions.<BR>I judged your children for faults that I had within myself.<BR>I never made an effort to show love to the children.<BR>I never made an effort to become part of their lives.<BR>I was lacking in my financial responsibilities.<BR>I never did my share around the house.<BR>I was lazy and procrastinated.<BR>I never made an effort to do the tasks that you asked.<BR>I never put you at the top of my priority list.<BR>I never understood your reasons for decisions.<BR>I have never shown unconditional love to everyone in every situation.<BR>I have never treated you as a partner.<BR>I never learned how to communicate with you on an intimate level.<BR>I never thought about your feelings or emotions.<BR>I have never shared my feelings or emotions.<BR>I never gave freely of my time to you or your children.<BR>I never offered to re-arrange our budget to benefit your children.<BR>I acted as if the dog deserved more of me than anyone else.<BR>I never made anyone feel welcome in our home.<BR>I mistreated the children through my own selfishness.<BR>I failed you emotionally in times of need.<BR>I failed to stand up for you when others verbally made you uncomfortable.<BR>I spent too much time away from you and your children, focusing on my other priorities.<BR>I never learned what your emotional needs were, or how to fulfill them.<BR>I never learned of your need for physical comfort and how to fulfill it.<BR>I made you feel as though I only wanted to touch you for sex.<BR>I never learned to look at you or others with love and through God’s eyes.<BR>I never led you to believe that I trusted you.<BR>I was overly jealous.<BR>I was too controlling.<BR>I never appreciated the value of a family.<BR>I never made an effort to keep romance alive.<BR>I never told you how much I appreciated you.<BR>I never told you how much I loved you.<BR>I never told you the reasons why I loved you.<BR>I never fully realized this until now, or attempted to fix it.<P>I have asked God to forgive me for the faults on this list and anything else that I’ve forgotten. I pray that someday you might also forgive me. I am truly sorry.<P>xxxx<P>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 29, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>wow!!! what a list!!!<BR>you know i might just borrow this thing and give it to my husband. all i have to do is turn it around. instead of "i never" i'll put "you never"<BR>i'm sorry i don't mean to affend you. i'm just a woman on the receiving end, and i am very hurt right now. i wish my husband would write a list like that...thank you!!!<BR>take care..and good luck<P>

And how would you feel if he gave it to you? That it's nice to know that leaving (what she did) was substantiated? Or would you see him in a different light as it's obviously tough to sit and think about all the ways that he has failed? And that in thinking of them, he may be sincere about changing them?<P>Again, if it would do some good, all the better, but I don't want to enforce in her mind that I'm not worth having or giving another chance to.

schatzibaby,<P>I just read your post about him moving out. You don't need to reply to my question as your situation is different than mine. I am guilty of taking her for granted and destroying her feelings for me, but not through an affair.

Still Praying,<P>This is a nice list...<BR>...and perfect to offer her if you were in recovery...<P>...but it is so unbalanced.<P>You need to not just knock yourself...<BR>...but let her know...<P>point-for-point...<P>what you've done to "grow" and correct any of your inadequacies.<P>If you can't do that now for a decent percentage of the points...<BR>...wait until you can.<P>If you don't...<BR>...it will be used against you in a court of law. <P>Don't let your love be blind...<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Jim,<BR>A court of law? What, could she argure cruelty or mental batterment? From what I said, at least they'd let me keep the dog. LOL.<P>If I expand on a majority of points, which I can, telling her how and why I've changed, should she get it? Wanna see a re-write when it's done?

Still Praying......<P>Geez, did my ex help you with that? I would not send it.......I agree with Jim......she could use that to rip you apart in court. I would die to have something like that right now.<P>But really.......maybe that was very theraputic (sp??) for you....but if it is all true.......I would hang that on my refrigerator and take each one step by step to make yourself a better person. Your half way there......admitting your faults.....taking blame......feeling guilt.....now turn that around....be proud of who you can become. Make a difference. You deserve it.<P>Nancy

Alright, points well taken. So I should probably condense it down to: "Honey, I was a self-centered, egotistical [censored] in our marriage. I never cared for you or the kids. I can't believe that you stayed as long as you did in this emotional hell. I'm ready for a good cleaning, as you desrve anything that you can get from me." <P>Of course I really am not thinking in terms of divorce right now, and it's just hard to imagine that she could ever turn nasty.

That list looks familiar, almost as if I wrote it. And in fact over the past months I probably have conveyed most of that to my wife. BUT, as much as I love her and I don't regret sharing those things with her, she said something to me about 2 months ago that raised a red flag - She said in a little argument we were having that she "saved everything I have written to her". Now that can be taken two ways: She was touched by what I wrote and wanted to hang on to it or, she was instructed by her attorney and father(who is also an attorney) to hold onto everything I wrote to her.<P>It is so hard to believe the latter of the two, but this woman has done and said things so far out of character, that I can not rule it out. If your wife is being controlled by her anger now, you can not count out any type of action. I know that sucks to hear, and I pray that neither of our wives would let it come to that, but it could possibly happen.<P>From my personal experience writing is very helpful in getting out emotions. But if writing it alone has not done the job, then I would suggest maybe reading the letter to her. Ask her not to say a word until you are done, and read it slow and carefully. This way you still will convey your thoughts to her, but to protect yourself, there will be no written record for her to potentially use.<P>Still Praying, I am one of the most optimistic people, and I always hope for the good in people, but you have to accept that there is evil in this world. If a person allows evil into their lives, there is no guessing what direction they will go.<P>Another possible route to take would be to reword the letter in the postive and looking to the future. Maybe tell her these are the things that you have learned and want to share with her for years to come. Don't blame yourself for the past, instead give her hope for the future. Admit your faults in a general way - not specifics.<P>Just my 2 cents.

StillPraying,<P> I have read this a few times and was hesitant to post..I read it..and was like..<BR>that could be my h's list to me..and I couldn't find the words that would express<BR>how I would feel if I recieved such a letter..and as I read it..I could also see things on there that could also describe myself..(so your wife probably would see herself eventually 'IF' she really took the time to look over the list and pray about herself also) <P>But, I would have to agree with NSR here, and<BR>also list positive things that you have and are changing..Like..the number one thing on there I see that you could probably say...<P>I have never shared my feelings or emotions, <BR>so in seeing this within myself, I am going to share some things that I have really searched my heart and seen areas where I have<BR>failed you and I in our relationship..and things that I know I need to work on..and some things that maybe we can work on changing together..if we can give us a chance..and let her know that you realize it will not be easy for either of you and that<BR>it will take time, you don't know how much time, but it will take time, and that if maybe we could date again, we could find that<BR>love for each other again....<P>I am more in your wifes shoes here..than in yours..so maybe that would work for her..I don't know..I don't know if she's even willing to try or is even looking for a shred of hope to hang on to..I know I am tired of getting the thread of hope and having it ripped out of my fingers time and time again..so I have lost hope in H..and look to Jesus to meet those needs..that H can't..or won't..doesn't know how...or whatever..

High five to Jim, what a great reply.<P>I would not like it if my ex gave me this list, thats just me, but I wouldn't like it at all.<P>We are all human, we all make mistakes, and I just don't want him to give me a list of his mistakes. I want him to SHOW me how he changed, or tell me what he could do to change.<P>Hypothetically of course, I won't take him back.<P>Just my reply, but don't forget its coming from someone in a different situation than yours.<P>Good luck and don't lose sight of the fact that we all make mistakes, and I'm sure there is ALSO a list of all the good things you have done. <P>Dana<BR>