Hi There,<P>Well H came over today to clean out the motorhome so we can put it up for sale. I spoke to him a bit, basically asked him if he was interested in working on the marriage at all. he said he wasn't, that knowing that if the motorhome didn't sell and he had it repossessed that it was worth it. Said he was expecting on starting totally over with nothing, but that he comsidered that better than even trying to work on the marriage.<P>Said he'd figured he'd already lost the kids, was expecting me to get half his money, and he was fine with that. he didn't want to hash out what had happened over the past 10 years and relive it all, he was done.<P>So, I guess on Tuesday, I will go see the attorney again, but this time I will retain him, cause why should I remain in a mode to try and work on a marriage when H is so adamant about ending it.<P>Figure it will be 6 months and I join the ranks of singledom again. I told the kids I was sorry, and that I will do everything I can to try and keep the house, but I think that is a losing battle. <P>Thankfully, I am still somewhat numb, so it isn't hitting me as hard as I thought. One of these days H may wake up and realize all that he has lost, and it is all because he wouldn't even take the time to try and work out something that could be worked out.<P>It's all over now, waiting for the singing to happen. <P>Lori<P>

Lori...<P>Heading out to Church now...<BR>...I'll be saying a prayer for you. <P>Jim

Bangarra, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this too. I know exactly how frustrating it is for a spouse to just throw in the towel and leave, my wife did the same. To this day I still don't really know why she decided to leave, her only reason was that she said she didn't love me anymore. Well for one I just don't believe a person just falls out of love after thirteen years, something had to contribute to it that perhaps neither of us saw coming. But rather than address the situation and try to solve the problems causing it, it was easier for her to ignore it and run away. Evertime she sees me now she always tells me how much happier she is without me. Well I for one am not happy and neither is my daughter. I believe these people are selfish and are only interested in their own feelings right now, to hell with everyone else. Sometimes I wish I could be that way too, it might make all this so much easier to bare. Most important, take care of yourself and your kids. In your children is where your sanity is grounded, it is for me anyway. Good luck. Jax

thanks Jim and Jax,<P>I am still in shock today. H came over this AM with donuts for us all, gets the motorhome cleaned and shampooed inside, is coming back tomorrow to do the outside. Took the younger daughter swimming this afternoon, the older didn't want to go.<P>I have been reeling from all the thoughts going through my head, mainly what could I have done that was so awful that it is better to wreck credit ratings, lose everything and not try and work on a marriage, to how am I going to keep the house for the kids, what about the business, etc. basically H is not only ruining himself, he is taking us all down at the same time. What kind of man would do that to his family?<P>At this point, he has lost any support from my family, they don't even want to look at him anymore. His behavior has made his friends step back in total amazement and he's lost a lot of respect.<P>I wonder if this goes on for very much longer if I would even want to try and work things out, I think my Lovebank is pretty much depleted.<P>Have always heard MLC were interesting, but this is gone far beyond that stage. Jax, you are so correct in that he is being incredibly selfish. He won't talk to anyone about his thoughts on this, friends think it is cause he doesn't want to hear what a total idiot he is being.<P>I feel sick to my stomach, it's just too much, and knowing he'll be here tomorrow again isn't helping. I refuse to help do anything with the motorhome... he wants this so bad, he can do it himself.<P>I am also at a crossroads in whether to go ahead and file for divorce myself, or wait and let him do it. I need to protect the kids, he already told me that his attorney told him he didn't have to pay the mortgage. Do I give it some more time? I'll have to go into a Plan B mode, cause there isn't much love left for him.<P>Jim, you're the guy who knows this stuff, got any pointers for me? I have read so much, and feel that giving up after 5 weeks is too fast, but at the same time, when there is absolutely nothing from him other than continually saying it is better to be destitute than try to work on the marriage, it kind of makes one wonder why they have attempted to try?<P>Give me strength, and let me get through this, no matter what it brings. I'm so close to just wanting to rip this guy a new a++hole that it makes me wonder what is going to happen. <P>Hope everyone else has a great holiday! good news, my neighbors have bridged their marital problems so that is a neat thing! <P>Lori

Lori,<P>I am sorry, I do not have much advice for you tonight. Just hang in there and be strong for the children. They need stability right now and it seems your the only one to offer them any.<P>I know how hard this is....I have been divorced now for a little over 2 months, but for me things have only gotten better. I don't mind being single and it sure beats feeling so sad all the time. Its really funny what time can do for you. You will feel differently a few months from now. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can't see it now. It took me over a year to really start seeing it. <P>Good luck to you and the children. I really hope that your husband sees the mistakes he is making and figures out what he is losing.<P>Nancy

{{{{{Lori}}}}},<P>Whether you're in Plan A or Plan B...<BR>...If you <B>really</B> need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>Start searching the Internet today...<BR>...make an appointment this week.<P>It doesn't mean "file for divorce"...<BR>...just learn about what your options are.<P>Maybe freeze the sale of the motorhome...<BR>...if it is not the the best interest of the kids!<P>About how to deal with your H...<BR>1. deal honestly<BR>2. continue Plan A for as long as you can<BR>3. maybe it's time to draft that Plan B letter<BR>4. maybe it's time to prepare the kids for Plan B(between you and your H)<BR>5. maybe it's time to see your doctor about anti-depressants<P>I'm praying for you Lori... <P>Jim

Lori,<BR>I am so sorry that this is happening. I have been following your threads and I am on the same roller coaster as you!!!! I would love to e-mail if you are up to it!! There are so many similarities between our situations that it scares me!!! There are differences too, but a lot of the phrases you have used and that your H has used are deja vu for me. If you are up to e-mailing, I would love to hear from you.<BR>Bilderj@yahoo.com<P>As far as filing, in my state whoever files usually gets temporary orders regarding the kids. I have filed and my husband was ordered out and to pay the mortgage as support. H is in the house still because we got a few ground rules settled, so I have more opportunities to Plan A... Sometimes this is harder....... <P>I would love to hear from you <BR>Jenn

So sorry about your situation. I had a husband who had absolutely no desire to work on anything. It bothered him that he was doing this to his children but that didn't stop him.<P>I know how painful it can be. I had some lawyer referrals from my minister. It was such an unpleasant time.<P>I used to think that, if I prayed hard enough and had enough faith, that God would fix everything. Well, His idea of "FIX" and my idea do not coincide. I didn't always like the choices or the path before me but He was always there for strength and comfort.<BR>I pray that you will feel Him with you continually. <BR>

Thanks everybody,<P>I have survived the weekend all right. Someone is coming to photograph the motorhome today, I called H and asked him why I should be participating in this? Why should I help him out? He said it was worth it to take the payment that went to it and apply it to debt we had. I had to agree that was why I could see selling it, I just didn't want to be helping him out to set up an apartment or something. He did say that if we did work things out, that in a year or so we could always get another one (shades of hope there?).<P>Yesterday I talked with him again, again told him I loved him and wanted to work things out. When he didn't appear too enthused I told him that I guess I would be filing on Tuesday, he said filing what, I said divorce. He said why should I pay more money when there is an open case on the books, if I wanted to go ahead with it so soon, he would just reopen it and it wouldn't cost more.<P>I told him again that I didn't want a divorce, that the most annoying thing is that now that I have a tool that works to bring marriages back on track he isn't interested, and would rather drag us all down to where we have nothing. I asked him if he'd made an appointment to see a counselor yet, he said no, why? I said that he acted like he was having a MLC, and wasn't even thinking clearly. He said, oh, you mean because I had job burnout, couldn't move into another job, had to deal with a mother who is insane, had a marriage that wasn't doing well, dadadada, you think it caused a MLC? It was funny, watching his face as he started listing all of these things it was like a light bulb turned on. I think he realized how much was bad.<P>We went out to check a job site, and I talked some more while he drove. When he dropped me back at the house, I blocked him and wrapped my arms around him and said I wanted him home where he belongs. He got in the truck and sat there, finally saying that if he was to come home, and it didn't work out, that it was a moot point cause he couldn't leave a 3rd time. I said he'd only left once, and he reminded me that he had moved into the loft for a week in 3/98. I said that we have the tools to make it work, that we sit down and make a mutually agreeable pact to work on the marriage, much like a business agreement. That we wouldn't have to hash out all the mistakes done over the past 10 years, that we make a new beginning, an honest beginning and use the tools and support of MBs. I said that was why it didn't work before, we still didn't have any idea HOW to make it work.<P>He does know I am dead serious about a divorce if he refuses to try and work things out, he knows now that I will fight for full custody of the kids, and that the business will probably end up getting dissolved. I do think some progress was made, that he mentioned coming home (even if it really wasn't under a great context) is a good thing, and today again mentioning that there might be a possibility of things working out.<P>Jenn, will email you, thanks!<BR>Jim... am I moving in a good direction? Feels like Plan A should still be worked on. <P>Lori