I wrote this letter to my ex-husband. I had like for you to read it and let me know wether you think is a good i dea to send it or not. And at the same time i had like you to comment on the situation.<BR>Thank you in advance.<P>Dear ....<P>I have thought alot before writing this letter to you. I wanted to write it in a time i most likely won’t lie since you deserve much better than that.<BR>You ask me what is going to happen with us, since you got to sign some documents and you want to know wether i should be in them or not. I am sorry i have to disapoint you this way but i cannnot be in those papers since i am no longer your wife.<BR>We got legally divorced on Agugost 21 2000 and believe me it is as hard for me to believe it as it must be for you at this moment. I cannot believe i did it.<BR>That was the main reason i kept from writing to you. I din’t had the courage to tell you the truth knwing the pain i would cause you. But i had to do it. To be tottally sincere i am very worried, since i am not very sure i did what i really wanted to do. <BR>For as long as a year i have had you in my mind each day that has passed by, sometimes in good ways and sometimes not, but you have been in my thoughts for all this time.<BR>In my very unestable mind i have days that i had missed you so much i could hardly bare it and days i wanted you to vanish from my life for good, always without success. <BR>This past year i have lived lots of emotions, some of them so beautifull that i believe they would last forever. But i have learned that nothing is forever at leat in this world not even this life.<BR>Like i have told you before i have always thought that if i just could fall in love my life would be so differently but i never falled in-love so my life in many ways is still the same.<BR>I must admit i feel much stronger now than i did while married to you, that might be because i get the chance to go every afternoon to work and that keeps my mind busy and at the same time i am learning so many things that can help me in my profesional life. However my emotional life is still as unestable as it was one year and threee months ago.<P>I had like you to read this next writing with close atention since i am going to open to you like i have never done before. Hoping at the end that can think about it, study it and not with a man’s in-love views but with the view of a more mature man would, you will help me understand my own self and my own feelings. Maybe is to much what i am asking you. <P>It’s been a year since i seperated from you, abandoned you in a midlife crisis but in a great depression crisis my self, to go thousands miles away with a man i meet on the Internet. Like i have told you before i was so messed up inside that i thought the only way i could get out of it was by leaving you and try to find the love i believe i din’t had for you.<P>I made this Italian man fall in-love with me without knowing i was married and by the time i told him he was way to much in-love with me. I compromised with him that i had married him as soon as i could get the divorce. He decided that i should avoid asking you any economic help, since i always told him you had alot of money because i din’t wanted him to think i might be with him for conveniece wish at the moment was not entirely false. Knowing however that i din’t feel for him the way he felt for me. In the yeaar i took for the divorce to be over i had the chance to repent and go back to you and then the big problem begun.<P>I called you and ask you to come to Cuba so i could find out wether i was wrong in my heart or not. I must admit that i felt very good sleeping in your arms, but when the time came to make love, you know well enough that i started to cry because i could not make it. I could hardly kiss you that time. <BR>However i went to Canada to get my belongings making you believe that i was staying this time forever, and giving you the biggest desapointment when i left five days later, leaving you in a moment you had no job, little money and great pain. When i took left you at the airport with your hear broken in pieces i could not help it but to get into the bathroom and sob like i have never done in my entire life. Since that day i have been able to forgive my self for all the suffering i caused you but at the same time i was to exited to come to Italy that i kept on with my plans. I have always dreamed so muc with finding the love that my fantasy build that i tried as hard as i could, finding out later that that love or does not exits or exits only in my imagination. However in that time i keept making hopes of a future marriage with the other man knwing that that was not what my heart really desired, but since i am such a dreamer i kept dreming fearing always of waking up ad find that the realty was totally different.<P>Not only was i playing games with his hear, but yours and mine too. At the end lots of economic problems played a big role in it. The time i spent in Cuba i always had enough money to spend, and i got to buy my self lots of beautifull colthes and other things that i could not do with you because you never had the money to buy them. I was too to scared of going back and have to deal with the fact you din’t had a job and were living with your mother. But soon enough i found out that the money ends and i found my self worring again how i could send money to my mother so she would not be hungry and wondering how we could make it to the end of the month. <P>I decided however that i should look at things as they were. You are 41 years old and i am 22, he is 28 so at least in age he was closer to me. His friends are younger but more stupid than i thought, although i liked them. He had his own company that could be a great money making machine in the future and you din’t had a job at the moment. I was to afraid and i am still am, since at your age you din’t own anything other than a cat and a car. Afraid o f going back to a man that had so little success in his life, without understanding that that is no what makes a man really a man. Since our marriage has so many ups and downs i decided i would try to fall inlove with this guy that at least people wouldn’t confunde him with my father. However until now i have been able to love him or fall in-love with him the way i dream of.<P>I got so deperate that i told him i was leaving and his broken heart and tears that i have not seen in any mans eyes not even in yours although you have cried alot. Kept me from leaving, promising my self again and again that i coul love him if i just learn to love my self first.<P>Meanwhile all this happened you were present in my mind and everytime i heard about Canada, about Antigua, About the places where we have been together including Miami i cried. <P>At the end i am terrified. First of all to find out that i might want to go back and it is too late since we are not married anymore. I felt all this time scared and very much confused. And what was i afraid of?<BR>I was afraid i would have you always present in my mind even after married.<BR>I was and am afraid a will marry him and found out that i have done the wrong thing, not because i should be married to you, but because i din’t married in-love. If loves exists.<P>Scared that if i leave him and miss him and that i will find out that he was the right for me, but been to late to go back.<P>Scared that if i go back i won’t be able to make love to you, that i won’t be able even to have any personal relationship with you.<P>Scared because at the end i even dream with other man while witht his guys and i had cheated on him although just with kisses.<P>Scared that the reason i want to go back with you is because you have a good job right now, and because i have always dream with living in the United States and not because i want really to make a life by your side.<P>Scared that if i go back there at the beggining everything will be beautiful since little things tend to ilude me and find out later that there is not different than when we live in Antigua. <P>Scared that i wold have to stay home all day like i did in Antigua and like i am not doing now since this guy has his own company and i am working every afternoon keeping my mind off thinking and learning so many things.<P>And at the end i am just afraid, scared and terrified i am just trying to run away again, thinking that changing countried, man a way of living will make all this confushion go away. Scared that in my way to find tranquility i would miss the oportunities of happiness in my life and that i will create a hell lost of trouble in my way there.<P>To conclude i scare of breaking you heart again, his heart and keep ripping of the little piece of me that is not demaged. I am so confused that i feel like i am really between a rock and a hard place, just that if i don’t find a way to get away from it i will end up mushed like some kind of potato. <P>Don’t blame him for all this, he has just been a vistim of my unestable life as you have been. <P>what is to happen with my life. I am so scared that i will keep breaking hearts and that in the en i will end up so tired of life that i will try to end it. I don’t know what to do, i don’t want to hurt anyone but i am doing it and i am hurting inside so much.<P>And for worst i don’t want to find my self living in Cuba again, selling my self for food or for clothes. Sometimes i believe that i am a very intelligent woman but when it comes to facts i am just a stupid scared little girl that cannot even move a finger by her self. Please don’t feel sorry for me and not trying to look for you simpathy, i am just letting know what i should had let you know long time ago.<P>I am sorry, i am so sorry i have made your life so miserable. I hope that in some way you can forgive me. I can’t believe we are divorced. But at the end i don’t know if i will ever make it to tell this man that i don’t love him, when saw you crying i felt like i was so evil, if i do it again, i don’t know what i will think of my self. I wonder how in this world there are man and woman that go around breaking hearts and living like if nothing had happened. Maybe if i was like them things will be differently.<P>My mothers says she does not understand why i try to hurt the feelings of other so much knowing that at the end the one that gets hurt more in the way is me. At 23 is normal for a woman to be facing this all things, am i in need of a good therapist and if is that, how the hell i can get it. Does a therapist really work or simply all this things happens to me because i feel sorry for my self.<P>Well, i just open my self to you. I am sorry that i decided to do it after it was to late. <P><BR>Good luck. GITM<BR>
