I have not given an update in a while. I've been busy gathering information requested of me by the stbx's attorney. As you may recall, alot of you wanted me to give in to my wife's proposal for the custody arrangement of our 6 year old son. And I would not budge from anything other than 50/50 split. Many here warned me that if I didn't accept her "generous" offer, I would be worse off because of the legal systems bias towards men... (I'm in CA)<P>Well, here I am, no closer to any agreement than when I previously wrote. Our son has once again began 1st grade in his private school (which I don't believe I should have to pay 1/2 the cost in addition to mandatory support). The wife's attorney has now requested all payroll records, bank statements, stock statements, well you get the drift -- everything.<P>I am more bitter than before. I hate the thought that she can obtain 1/2 of everything I worked for. She has a good job also. Why does the law allow for community division of things when both parties are earning decent livings? Seems so unfair. I wish it were that she keeps her stuff, I keep mine. Thats the way I would like to see this end. But the law says different.<P>Wife's attorney has requested a trial date within the next two weeks since neither one of us will budge on our positions. Honestly, what makes her the better parent anyway, just because she's the mother??<P>Sorry this sounds like I'm a bast***d but I'm angry. I've figured out that marriage is indeed about love and committment, but divorce is all about money.

Starting Over,<P>You have that last statement right... divorce is about money. I thought I was making some progress with my H after last weekend and our dinner date Thursday, but I have just found out he's lied from the very beginning of our marriage (I just found out last night, posted on GQII as I was in shock) so I really think his statement of taking things slow and easy cause he knows I don't trust him is a set up to let him situate himself in a better position for divorce. Here I thought it meant there was some hope for reconsiliation and to take it slow and easy so I can regain some trust. Such a gullible ninny am I.<P>You are in CA, depending on which county, there may be such a thing as collaborative law. I just found out about this through my attorney who started the group here in Ventura County. Basically this keeps you out of the court system, you work with your attorneys to mutually make the best arrangement for you both, the attorneys work together to make sure it is equal and one party isn't trying to power over the other one. Works to make a more amicable divorce and less costly than the traditional court battles. My H perked up when I told him about this, but I am about at the point of why should I do him any favors?<P>My thoughts are with you; divorce is NOT a good thing for anyone involved.<P>Lori<P>

Because when you get married, there no longer is "my stuff" and "your stuff" in terms of earnings and stock, etc. Marriage is supposed to be a union.

Starting Over,<P>While you had varying opinions on 50/50 custody, as I recall everyone was in agreement that your arrangement of custody was in your interest, not the child's. And again, while there is disagreement among us to the legal bias of the court, everyone here seemed to be in agreement that you were going to lose big time if you went to court.<P>It appears that your anger and competitiveness are still clouding your judgment here. You are referring to hers and mine, when while you were married, everything you acquired should have been thought of as both of yours. It is you who is turning the divorce into nothing but money, and it is coming through loud and clear to me, and will to the judge too I expect.<P>I don't think of you as a b***d at all, you aren't being vindictive or spiteful, you honestly believe you are right, I think you are way too close to think clearly. Take a step back, and look at your situation OBJECTIVELY.<P>Your wife is going for a reasonable financial split of expenses, to maintain what your child had when the two of you were together. Even you admitted, that the amount of money is not really a big deal.<P>You would be much better off, doing the right thing by your child, not wasting money on an attorney when the outcome is almost guaranteed to be in your wife's (and child's) favor, and use that money to get on with your life.<P>The courts can't stop you from walking away from a marriage you didn't find happiness in, but they will certainly hold you financially responsibility for the son you brought into this world.<P>I'm suprised your mother hasn't spanked you yet.

Well said Honey.West! Somehow I doubt his mother even knows what's going on.<P>S.O. - my ex-H was pretty angry with the amount of money he had to pay me. His anger was mostly to do with spousal support (an area that you say your wife won't recieve because of her income) But in terms of supporting his kids, he has absolutely no problem paying for their support. And I supposed had they also been acustomed to going to a private school, you bet I would want to keep them in the same environment they have know all their lives.<P>I'm not sure what you hope to gain by this back and forth volley you two are playing, but in the end, I suspect since she doesn't sound like she's racking you over the coals, she'll probably get at least 1/2 of the cost of private school in addition to the court ordered child support. <P>Why would you want to put your son in a position of not being able to attend the only school he's known? I just don't get it.

ALL RIGHT PAL<P>STAND UP TALL THATS IT DON'T GIVE IN ... I CERTAINLY AGREE WITH EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE SAYING FROM ONE MAN TO ANOTHER.<P>THE SAD PART IS REALLY THAT THE CHILD SHOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TO BE CONSIDERED AND FROM EXPERIENCE I CAN TELL YOU THAT IN THIS SITUATION..... YOU EACH HAVE A TENDANCY TO MAKE SURE THE SITUATION IS BEST FOR YOU AND SHE IS THINKING THE BEST FOR HER...BUT TRY TO THINK OF YOUR CHILD WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM\HER!! TELL THE EX B THAT TOO<P>ANOTHER THING DON'T WASTE YOUR DOUGH AT THE LAWYERS OFFICE ...IT IS THE BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY AND PRODUCES RESULTS THAT YOU WILL UNDENIABLY REGRET. I WISH I WOULD HAVE JUST HANDED OVER THE KEYS TO THE HOUSE AND SAID HAVE A NICE LIFE. INSTEAD I WENT DOWN YOUR PATH AND ABOUT $25,000 LATER NOTHING REALLY IS SOLVED....TRY TO COOL OFF ASK FOR ADJOURNMENTS...TELL YOUR LAWYER TO STALL IT ALL OFF PUT IT ASIDE.<P>THERE IS AN OLD WISE SAYING NEVER LET ANGER PLAY A PART IN ANY DECISION <P>I WAS ANGRY NOW I AM BROKE ! <P>AND I NEVER GOT THE RESULTS I WANTED AND NIETHER DID MY EX. WE TALK NOWADAYS AND BOTH AGREE THAT IT WAS THE BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY WE HAVE EVER DONE.<P>AND FUNNY THING YOU THINK YOUR LAWYER IS YOUR PAL ...WAIT TILL THERE AIN'T NO MORE MONEY! THEN YOU ARE GUM ON THE BOTTOM OF THIER SHOES! REALLY<P>BEEN THERE DONE THAT GOT THE T SHIRT!<P>BUT REALLY JUST BE COOL AND FLEXABLE...BUT DO NOT BACK DOWN ON YOUR FATHER RIGHTS...<BR>WISHING YOU THE BEST <P>RICK

I'm with you all, but it's not only about money, it's also about power and control. My Ex(H) got it all. The house, furnishings, pictures, and everthing else we had boughten together - he even kept some of my clothes. I fought for 50/50 of the girls. But he wasn't satisfied with that he wanted the kids 100%, so he made up lies and said I abused my children and now I have spent the last year fighting and proving that it was all his ploy to get full custody - which though it's not in writting he got - since he has had the girls living with him for the last year. So power and control is a strong emotion that comes with the divorce, not just money. Dar<P>

I'm with you Dar,<P>My ex got just about everything. He fought for custody during the whole divorce process. So when the final day came for me to sign papers..........I signed away, giving him everything he asked for. I wanted the girls to live with me......I wanted custody. He gave me custody, if I signed away everything to him.<P>Now 2 months later...after the divorce.....he is fighting for custody again.<P>Everything to him has a price tag on it. Everything he buys for the girls....including dinner......the girls know what he paid for it......he tells them.<P>Now I belong to a wonderful Moms group on the internet.......because of the alienation he is doing.....that has been a great help and support.<P><BR>I agree with what someone said above.........your lawyer is only your "friend" when you have money. Once that runs out.......your booted out of his "circle" of friends. Be careful<P>Nancy