I have been reading the postings in this forum and I hope I can get some help from here. I am not married but I consider myself very much married to this guy.<br>I have been with my BF for 7 yrs, NOT living together. We have our small problems but we both think we were having a great relationship through all these years. We've talked about getting married in 2-3 years, when he graduate from med school.<p>2 months ago, he told me he fell in love with another girl but nothing has happened between them. He felt he has to be honest and asked for space. While I was giving him space he told everyone we broke up (still friends) and he started a relationship with her. We kept loose contact while I know he was going out with her. He knows I am very hurt and I still love him.<p>Communication is not really a problem with us because he always like to share his thoughts and feelings with me. Weird enough, he felt I was the only person, the real friend, who can understand what he is going through. He was all confused, felt torn between 2 women, loves me but not in-love with me, etc. I totally put myself in his shoe and can feel what he feel. Of course, that doesn't help ME becuase knowing how he feels towards the OW hurts me awfully.<p>After being with OW for one month, he found himself missing me a lot of times. So he tried to breakup with her. However, he wanted to stay with her a little longer "just to make sure she'll be okay" about their breakup. So for 2 more weeks he stayed with her, told me he hasn't been sexual with her in those 2 weeks.<p>Then he moved to no contact, he got so depressed and he couldn't feel his love for me. He started to wonder if he made the right choice about leaving her. I had been patient, loving and giving the whole time. He appreciates that and can't find a reason not to love me - but he can't FEEL his love and he doesn't know if it will ever come back. One week after no contact, he went back to see her. <p>Another week passed by, we kept phone contact while he was still seeing her. Last Thursday I went by his house and ran into both of them! They were just getting inside. I left very quickly without causing a scene. I know they had sex because I went back to the house later that evening(I still has the key) and I'm almost sure that they had sex.<p>That night he called me and I started to cry. He said he is very sorry for hurting me so much. When I said "the thought of two of you in bed..." he said he didn't do it today. I think he was lying just so I don't get hurt.<p>The next day he came to see me. He had left OW a phone message after talking to me on the phone. He broke up with her over her voice mail. He said he had made up his mind 2 days ago, but didn't want to tell me until he has acted on it. Trying to think with HIS mindset, I think he had sex with her that day because in his mind he knows it's the last time he'll see her and he just want to make that day beautiful for her. Or he wanted to "feel" his love for her one last time. For him, sex is a way to express love and feel loved at the same time.<p>It's been almost a week now, I know he is trying to get over her. At the same time he is trying to give me the love I need from him. We are both going thru a very hard time. But we are trying to save this relationship.<p>I am going to spend Friday night at his house, and I really don't want to sleep in his bed knowing that's exactly where he had sex with her last week. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him I know he lied to me? Should I just change the sheets to clean ones (at least that would help me get over it) without saying anything? We avoid discussing his relationship with OW because we want to restore our love, and it won't help if we keep bringing up the subject and feels hurt.<p>Any advise would be greatly appreciated.<p>

Birdie,<p>I know how you feel about the possiblity of losing someone you love. When you want to keep someone very badly it's easy to disregard very important things just to keep them.<br>But in my opinion you need to let this guy know he needs to make up his mind or move on. He now knows how much he can do and still keep you. There's nothing to prevent him from doing it again. After you're married is the WRONG time to figure out that you should've made a stand beforehand.<br>You said you think he lied to keep from hurting you and I understand that thought. But if he was truly concerned about that then he wouldn't have had sex with her.<br>Before you get married you should get some definitions straight in your mind, particularly the definition of love. While love is attended with great feelings it is not a feeling, it is action based on honoring another person. You do not honor your spouse or girlfriend if you have sex with someone else, abuse them, etc.<br>Now you may feel that you can salvage your relationship in spite of what's happened and maybe you can. But this would be a good time to do so based on reality and not emotions. You'll save yourself, and whoever you end up being with, a whole lot of sorrow if you do.

Birdie, I agree with Bruce: you need to get this settled NOW, well in advance of that wedding you've contemplated.<p>Your BF apparently wants to 'test the waters', but still hold on to you, the safety rope. So far, he's got a good deal going--sex with both you and the OW (or OWs?) And he's willing to tell you whatever it takes to keep the juggling act going.<p>So..... are YOU willing to accept the status quo? If you ARE, prepare yourself for continuing grief, and buy a large box of condoms, and make him USE them!<p>If you AREN'T, let him know that his D-Day (Decision-Day) is at hand. True, you aren't yet married, but after 7 years, I think you deserve a little fidelity! Do it for your self-esteem, and do it for your physical health!

Bruce and Doug,<br>Thanks for your replies. One thing I want to say is that he is not the sleep around type. Actually, we were both each other's first and we had been faithful during these 7 yrs. Everyone around us admire the relationship we had, they know we are serious. <p>I agree with your saying of "testing the water", and he is all caught up in the Romance between him and the OW. <p>He knows he has to make a decision because this can't go on forever. Seems like he's made the decision. i.e. Stay with me and get over her. He still has feelings for her, but he choose to stay with me. He asked me to go back home (very far from where we are right now)with him for a month. That means he won't be able to see the OW for a whole month. I agreed because I think we both need to get away and it could be a chance for us the restore our love.<p>So my question remains: do I confront him about lying to me last time that he didn't sleep with her?

Birdie,<p>If you know for a fact that he lied, yes, I would not let it pass. I would make it known that if you two can't have a relationship based on the truth then there is no need in continuing.<br>Of course even if he agrees it's no gaurantee he'll (or even you) not lie again. But it does give a clear picture of the kind of relationship to shoot for, a standard to go by. If this standard is not met in the future no one can say they didn't know.