Yesterday evening, I went to my sons' football game. I was by myself. I was looking around, and noticed the moms and dads together watching the game. My X decided to take a job in California and has not seen the kids in over a month. <P>It just was a little realization for me, that my kids will be raised by a single parent and that their lifes will be forever changed. I did feel sad at that point about it all. I know I will do the best I can for them, but it really hurts just the same. <P>For those of you with some hope of saving your marriage, please try your hardest..........<P>------------------<BR>Susan

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

Sue, <P>Sometimes I feel like I'm following you around like a puppy... but you hit the nail on the head, when the divorce chokes me up - I honestly have a very melancholy attitude about it now for me, but at school functions for my boys, I look at all the other intact families, and I tear up for my sons. They just plain didn't deserve this. I catch myself just beaming with pride, and I wonder, why wasn't this type of thing as important to him?" I get dumbfounded all over again, of how he could have NOT chosen all this???<P>I'm sorry he chose to move. He'll lose them, doesn't he know that?

Sue...<P>So right...<P>I just went to my younger son's open house at school...<BR>...your right about how all the other intact families (mom's & dad's) walking/talking together...<P>Oh... well...<P>I will have a post today of my own.<BR>Still a lot on my plate.<P> <P>Jim

I have to say, I just last week, went to my daughters meet the teacher night, and refuse to leave her alone in the house, (at night) so I took her with me.. <P>she proceeded to tell me what two parents were divorced, BUT!!! there together.. so you may be *seeing* these people *acting* civilized for their kids sake, (which is a very good thing) but not all are still together..! (just a point I had to make) <P>some may have been divorced since the kids were very young, (my daughter is 12) and this may be the case in many, and who would know..<P>my ex had asked my daughter if I could bow out this yr so that he may come, I told her no, that I was the parent the teachers call, and get in touch with, and I won`t not go any where because he chose to leave. and that he is very welcome to come, no one is stopping him but him self.. <P>well don`t you know, (after telling my daughter, ok I`ll be there) he came for visitaiton, and dropped her off after spending some time with her, and chickened out.. <P>now what was he thinking, I was going to bite him, or cause a seen at the school!!??? <P>he has all the excuses in the world, but the main reason is that he is a coward.. and thats the shame of many situations like this also.. if any parent was there alone, you know it was the ones that were much more concerned and conciderate.. thats for sure.. <P>they are the loosers.. and they have to re-learn to grow up..!<P>ok I`m done with my 2 cents!!!<P>AV

I hear you, this cause me greatr difficulty. Although so far we are trying to attend school functions and such together for the kids.<P>Last night we went to cub scouts and my 8 year old asked his mom if she would go on the camp outs with him and of course she said no. His response was you never go on camp outs with me!<P>This has always been an issue with regard to cub scouts. My wife seems very self centered right now with little thought of what the kids want or need! It is sad!

You are so right... I thought that for the longest time I was handling all of this so well, and then when my son started first grade this year and when they had the open house, it was just me there for him. I invited his father, I think that it is extreemely important that his father is active in all aspects of his life, but he did not show up. I sat there alone. And at first I was fine with it. I knew some of the parents from last year. I had my son there, I didn't feel alone until I started to notice that I was the only one there solo. I admit that my first reaction was to become upset with my STBX. My second reaction was to want to go home, climb in bed and cry. Just because the marriage was no longer a reality, he should have been there for his son. But then I started to think that even when the marriage was something that still had hope, he wasn't there for his son. I did it solo last year too, just back then I was able to say things like, "my husband is not able to make it." and almost sound believable, like he wanted to or even tried to make it. That night was one of the hardest ones for me to deal with thus far. But like all of us here, we have delt with it, and will deal with it again should it come up. I just keep my son as my top priority and keep going for him. Sometimes that is the best that we can do.<P>Take care of yourselves. -Java

God Bless all of you!<P>When my wife and I first separated, SO many people would say "at least there are no children involved" and to be honest I got sick of hearing it. That is until I came hear to this site. I read the stories you write about how things affect your children and I am often drawn to tears. I know how this whole thing with my wife is tearing me up inside, but reading your stories, I can't (nor do I want to try to) imagine the difficulties and struggles you face everyday. For yourselves AND for your children.<P>GOD BLESS YOU ALL - HE IS SO PROUD OF YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO FOR HIS CHILDREN.<P>And so am I. Your love for your children is so touching. I only can hope I can be as good a parent as you are to your children.<P>Be strong in the knowledge that you are in fact in God's Loving Arms always and so are your sons and daughters.<P>God Bless you all

It was just a hard night. My son did not say anything about it, and I tried to make it special by taking him out for dinner just the two of us afterwards. Maybe he did not notice the same as I. But I did have him call his ad and tell him how well he played. <P>Wat was so weird was that I came home, took a hot tub dip, and went to bed. My son came in, hugged me (he is 14!!) and told me how much he loves me and thanked me for the evening. After he left, I just cried and cried!! Even now, I am not sure why I was cxrying!! Seems just about the time you think you have everything handled, life is buzzing along, you just get blindsided by something .....the aftermath of divorce, I guess.......<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>I think for success oriented, hard working, people, like yourself and i hope myself, failure that is beyond your control, is difficult to deal with.<P>In some respects, we have been very successful which is in part due to our dedication and hard work. What we value in life is that we understand that concept, and have employed it to be successful.<P>Our XS do not value life the same way, nor do they have the same abilities and ambitions. To say that we completely failed is typical of hard working responsible people. However, we can only take 50 % of it. And we can't fail 100% if we can't take 100% responsibility for the outcome.<P>I think the tears were also some relief that you are doing a great job, and your son truly appreciates the efforts you put in, unlike your XH. XH did not appreciate the efforts you put in either. Neither will my STBX, until perhaps much later.<P>Yes, I would not give up either, although I know that the recovery would be very difficult for my STBX, and that she has never been willing to work very hard at all during her life. Earned success is not for her.<BR>Neither is critical self evaluation. She grew up where criticism is reserved completely for the spouse.<P>So look at the positive, you have a great kid, who loves and respects the efforts you are putting in, and maybe he will truly learn what a good relationship requires, and will learn what it doesn't require.<P>Yesterday, the mediator told us that if we can ahndle the negotiations with respect, and show cooperation and understanding, then we have a far greater chance of having healthy kids than ones who fight and constantly demean and degrade the X.<P>The fact that you made him call his dad is great, and I don't see how someone can move away from their kids when they are teenagers, so I think there is something wrong with him in the first place, either ego or misplaced values.<P>From your posts, you are very insightful, just very brief, and I think this will be a very big growth period for all of us who are willing to learn, and your next relationship will be your last!<P>great thread, great sense of deep feeling and responsibility on your part Sue.<P>thl

THL, <P>Once again, you can read me like a book! I am really hard on myself about the kids and what I percieve they are going through. <P>You know? You just want to protect them the best you can. You want to shield them from the pain that divorce causes, and many of us (prob me included) try to make up for it all. <BR>And you are right, I have a difficult time with the divorce thing, because it was a failure....not so much for myself, but for my kids. If it wasn't for them......I may not have stayed as long in the marriage as I did, or put the incredible amount of effort I did to save it. I would have just told him fine, have an affair, now you are gone!!!<P>But it was a revelation to have my son tell me I seem happier now than I did last year...and he is right, I am. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Honey west, <P>It is amazing how lives can parallel each other!!!<P>It is also amazing how one day you feel you have it all back together, then the next it feels like it is falling apart again! Fortunately, those days where it feels it is falling apart again are becoming further and further apart..<P>Yes, life has so many twists and turns...you just have to keep going, do the best you can for yourself and your loved ones, and hope for the best!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>there is personal growth in this process, very much so, and you are seeing it, with the revelation of the fallicy of the "later" assumption, which is the loss of the here and now. I am/was also in that frame of mind, and the STBX is NEVER in the future. It is a delicate balance, but before you get down on yourself too much, remember,<P><B> The only course in marriage we ever got was from observing our parents, and did they ever teach us the importance of EN's? or how to talk the language of the opposite sex? </B><P>Take the time now, and start to talk to your kids about what emotional needs are, how to negotiate, and how to be honest and talk about feelings within a safe environment.<P>This will be the best wisdom you will have ever imparted to them, along with your hard work ethic.<P>take care<P>thl

My biggest fear is going to the kid's school functions without my H sitting next to me. The worst is seeing him there with the OW by his side. I just hope I am strong enough by that time to deal with that.<BR>

Hey girlfriend,<P>I know exactly how you feel today. I was signing my daughter up for Brownie's and on the phone list, all the children have their parent's names listed besides them so you know who the children live with if you call over there. <P>Mine will be the only one all by myself. <P>It was the first thing I noticed when I scanned the list and asked her why this was. <P>She said its in case you call over there. I personally feel a bit offended by it. <P>Am I over reacting or what??<P>Hope you are well and will write to you on email soon, this week is ALMOST over!<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Dana<BR>