Jayhawk,<BR> I, too, have thought about the "dream" of the life...and, through my healing, now recognize that it was the relationship, and what I had hoped for that I grieved for. He killed what I had for him, but I still grieved, and find myself ever so often still feeling the loss of this marriage. It helps me separate my vulnerabilities, and stand stronger as I sort through my feelings, so I won't be bowled over by someone's kindness, or a door being opened for me!!<BR> You're doing good!!<BR>JDQ

Hey. I'm where you are. I, too, sometimes feel like I am in a hurry to get to my "dreams." I set up a life with him and made plans, and I want it back. But as time goes on< I realize that there is no substitute for him (a quick one), and I think that is what you are experiencing. Each moment with someone new or the thought of sharing holidays, dinners, home improvement projects, or a bed brings back small thoughts. At least for me. <P>I still think your post makes sense. That is why many ex's get involved with someone so quickly: they want the goodies without the other aspects of a relationship. I think you want the goodies too. But emotionally, you cannot handle the other stuff. At least not right now because there is still so much feeling for your ex. A year does seem like a long time to wait. Expecially when we are used to a certain lifestyle. Just remember: no one can make you feel complete like your wife did except your wife until you can feel complete by yourself. (Boy, I am a walking cliche.)<P>{{{{{Jayhawk}}}}}

Well,<P>I can certainly understand why some people find getting into a new relationship so tempting. All of my hopes, plans and dreams involved my STBX, and it seems like now I'm just in survival mode. <P>It's not much fun, but I suspect I really need to improve my level of independence before considering a relationship again. That's difficult for me, because I don't know how long it's going to take, and dealing with uncertainty about the future has never been one of my strong points.<P>It certainly can be difficult and lonely at times, though....<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I don't do much philosophical reading. Perhaps I should work on that but....<P>A couple of years ago, I read Terry Waite's autobiography. He was the envoy of the Anglican church who was held hostage for years in Iran. And I came across a rough quote from Augustine, "To have peace, you have to know yourself. And to know yourself, you have to be alone."<P>Maybe this is supposed to be a gift of time for you. For all of us. I do know that it has been a period of immense personal growth for me. I was the Cinderella "before picture". But no longer. So, I don't have riches or a Prince Charming. But my growth has been amazing.<P>Kick back and meet yourself. Get to know the wonderful person you are. Don't sweat not feeling like you did before because you probably will never feel the same way again. <P>I find it gets better in leaps and bounds with periods of backsliding. But if she wanted to leave, you can mourn the relationship. But embrace the opportunity to discover more, so much more, about yourself.

jayhawk,<P>And here we are again.... I totally understand what you are saying - on one hand you desire the intimacy, the friendship, the fun and the laughter that only comes from a relationship, but on the other hand you still feel your love and commitment to your X. Somewhere, someone posted a comment here that really made me think - they said: "the harder and more deeply someone loved their spouse, the harder and longer they hurt when that spouse leaves". One thing that I know we both share is being passionate about what we do and about who we love.<P>Unfortunately, sometimes that passion carries along with it pain and sorrow. But like you told me a few times before, the pain does subside over time, right? I am honest with myself in saying that I may never fully get over my wife, and you know what? That is OK. For I now know just how much I loved her. Sure over time I will love again, and I can guarantee that I will love just as much and as deep as I did before, even though I may still have loving feelings for my X.<P>Last night as I was walking my dog the thought of an old girlfriend came into my mind. I played a little scenario of her calling me on the phone and saying that she needed help and could I meet her (even though it was an hour away). In my heart I know that my answer would be - "no problem". Why? Because I still have loving feelings for her as well - I still care about her. Starting to look inside of myself I realize that every person I gave my heart to at one time or another, still has a small piece of it. The amazing thing is that my heart has not gotten any smaller even with all these pieces missing.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is that I now know that I will always love my wife - maybe not as much as I do now, but in some ways it will always be there. I truly believe that we were meant to be, but she does not see it that way.<P>For now, I "choose" to be alone, not just to honor my wedding vows, but rather to build my strength, to grow in who I am, to become once again self-sufficient. Then when I feel my heart has healed to a point where I can love again, I will open the door to the possibility of someone new.<P>Unfortunately that does not help the loneliness. All I can do is tell myself that the pain I feel right now if for a higher good...<P>Mike

Mike, I certainly agree with you. Someday we will love again, but that does not mean we won't still care in some way for our X.<P>We go through such a growth when this happens to us. It is a necessity that we move on with our lives, each of us, in our own time and in our own way. Otherwise we kill our souls with what ifs and sorrow. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>AMEN<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I dated someone soon after and during my divorce proceedings. He was recently divorced too. When he told me that he wanted to cool things off, one of the things he said was that he had this feeling of "Oh my god. I'm 31!" He desperately wants children and a family. He said he was in a hurry, but he knows that we don't have to be. It hurt to realize that I might have been a replacement for an ideal. I imagine how I felt to hear that and I think "Wow, how would someone else feel knowing that I was in that same place?"

JH- Thanks for bringing this back... <P>I am just now starting to go through the "What do I miss?" Him or a husband? I think both. I cannot imagine another man replacing him, but at the same time I also am thinking about dating. I can honestly say that I am not "sane" enough for a relationship right now, but wow, it would be great for someone to notice me... ask me out.. just let me feel like I am still alive.<P>The above probably all sounds insane. I guess the thing I miss most is that if I hadn't lost my best friend also, I wouldn't be sitting here alone on a Saturday night reading posts. I would be talking to him, cleaning the kitchen, just hanging out and not so damned lonely, instead all I can think about is wondering what he and his "new family" are doing.. Knowing that she is living what should have been my life. Oh well.... It is getting easier and the dreams less frequent.. It will be ok eventually..

Thanks Jayhawk for bringing this back. I just replied to your post to me on my post. It sounds like we are struggling with the same issues. And, last time you posted this was in October. <P>I think what everyone has said here makes perfect sense. <P>I do miss my dream life. I want that back and I think that is why I let myself get involved with men who are also wanting the "dream life" back. Both the men I have dated since my divorce, have been divorced. One just recently got divorced and the other has been divorced 6 years but has just broken up with someone he has dated since the divorce.<P>So, I am trying to become less of a romantic and more realistic about all of this. There is no perfect dream life. The more and more the reality of that sinks in for me, the sooner I will heal. And, the more I realize that there is no perfect man out there, the more likely I am to take things much slower, so I can really get to know a man before I get too serious again.<P>