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Joined: Jul 1999
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Hey,<P>I've really come to the conclusion that I've become obsessed. My stbx is on my mind constantly. I think and rethink about what has all happened the past 16 months. It's not even that I miss him that much because I don't. When I see him there is nothing. Sure nights alone get lonely. I miss having him next to me at night but other than that I don't really miss him. So why do I keep rehashing this all over in my mind. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all but I just wish I could think of something else. I try to focus on work, home ect but it won't end. Have any of you felt this way and did it go away on its own? I'm thinking about starting back on the prozac again. I don't feel depressed but it will also help obsessions. Is this normal? I feel like I'm in a bad dream all day.<P>Jill

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Jill...<P>incredible timing...<P>for me...<P>it was this Tuesday...<P>...now that we had our "out of court settlement".<P>There are almost no obsessive thoughts left!<P>Now I move onto Plan B (after I sign the papers)... (yep... I 'm still in Plan A until that day)!<P>It will come to you to...<BR>...in time.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Jill,<P>I think it is most definetly different for all of us. Especially those who have a hard time giving up the marriage. We all try to save it but some people just hang on harder even after they know that there really may be no hope.<P>At some point, you come to realize its final. When that happens, you start to notice other people walking by and actually thinking, hey, he's handsome. You start to find yourself again. You stop "obsessing" over the ex.<P>Sometimes, I think I obsess at times just cause he is so far into a relationship that I get a little jealous. The OW quit her job and now stays home while he supports her (a luxury I never had) so she can put her son on the bus every morning. I am not happy about that. I know its none of my business but it bugs me to no end.<P>I think that if you are seriously questioning this you might want to talk to a doctor. Sometimes we need some help talking to a professional or even some medicine to help us along (another luxury I couldn't get) but I hear that it makes a BIG difference as well.<P>In the meantime, try to take time for you. Think back to what made you happy before you met HIM. And I KNOW that something out there made you happy. Reconnect with your girlfriends. Take a bath, pamper yourself, buy some new clothes, take a walk, think of something that will remind you that you were fine before he came and guess what, your going to be just as good now that he is gone. <P>You'll find your way. We all do, it just takes some of us longer!<P>Hugs and Prayers, Dana<BR>

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Jill,<BR>It like everything else does take time. I travel alot by car and all the windshield time keeps me thinking about what happened way, way too much. Just in the past month or so have the thoughts, especially the angry ones gone away.<P>Bob

Joined: May 1999
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I don't think it ever goes away, not when it makes no sense, when the WS is suffering from depression or MLC. I can work, I can do other things, but it is never far beneath the surface. It is a rare night that I don't dream about him. My H left 20 months ago, it is no better than when he left. Unfortunately, unlike you, I miss him terribly, as much as when he first left. When I see him, I feel just as much love as I ever did. Nothing has changed. Yes, I feel anger, but I also feel intense concern when I see his mood swing from anger to dejection in a matter of seconds, over and over again. In many ways it is far far worse than when he first left, because when I am not thinking about the marriage, I am worrying about how I am going to keep a roof over the kids' heads and food in their stomachs. <P>Going to court and signing the separation agreement did not bring "closure" whatever that is supposed to be. It just brought further anguish, knowing that he could stand there and declare the marriage over with absolutely no outward sign of emotion. Sure he had a (probably stress) headache that day, but that was probably because he feared something would go wrong and the settlement would not get signed. Then he went off on vacation. <P>There is no healing from something so senseless, when someone you think you know is taken over by aliens. So much money is spent on research on cancer and heart disease, and the worst they can do is kill you. Yet much less money is spent on treating depression and other forms of mental illness, which has destroyed far more lives, especially since, unlike the death of a loved one, the ramifications of mental illness destroy the past as well as the present and future. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited October 13, 2000).]

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Yes,<P>especially if you are a Thinking person, because you have to make sense to learn from it. at times it makes sense, but at other times, you just look back and say, why did i not see this, or that.<P>Why did I change? well i changed for the better, but did STBX? what were the values that we disagreed over? <P>how do I explain this to my kids? When can I tell my kids I think their mom is all F@!#$%^ up? when they are in college? tomorrow?<P>how? why? when?<P>it takes time, and a vacation and a new job is what will help me.<P>I think I am about to quit my job monday, and from there, go on a three month vacation, until february. then I will be better.<P>it takes time and work for your brain to process all that has happened, and it will, slowly. if it doesn't get better, start talking with a head doctor, that will help alot.<P>been there, am still with you, hope to leave it someday<P>thl

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NSR,<P>Do you think you will be able to move forward after the papers are signed? I think what really has thrown me for a loop is I got the first draft of all the divorce papers last week. It makes it all seem so final. <P>Dana,<P>For the most part I'm doing pretty good. I've been really busy getting my ducks in a row and that has helped some. I am having a hard time letting go of being married. All of my friends are married, heck everyone I know is married and its really hard to not be anymore. I know it all takes time and it's maybe just the pms blues talking this week.<P>Nellie,<P>I really wish your H could see just how much you love him. He will never know love like that again. <P>thl,<P>You hit the nail on the head. That is how I feel exactly! It seems to all be a blur in my mind right now and I'm just trying to make sense of it. It's not like I'm grieving for him as much as I'm grieving for what used to be. <P>I'll be fine. I think I just need a little more paitence to go through this whole process. <P>Thanks to you all! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jill

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For me,the marriage is emotionally over, if not legally. H is living with his new woman,kids have accepted her. H has no contact with me at all and refuses to communicate in any way even if only about visitation issues about youngest child! <P>when he saw me the other day in a mall, he turned around and ran away! <P>Because nothing makes sense emotionally, I also obsess of why this really does not make sense. I think that there could have been closure for me had <BR>a)he dealt with this as an adult...faced up to the reality of the choice he made and still been prepared to support his former family as he needed to and accepted the parental responsibilities as he needed to for his childrens sake.<BR>b)realize the mess he was making of his life, never mind about the 4 children and myself.The difference is that we will learn, digest, process and grow as people, he never will<P>Until there is some sort of closure and he does not run from me as if I did something wrong, there will not be closure for me!<P>Until he stops playing the kids, there will be no closure for me<P>Until he realizes that this is not a game, with the children as pawns, then there cannot be closure for me.<P><BR>So,Yes I do think an awful lot......but I am able to smile again and do things for myself in terms of starting to rebuild my new future in a way that makes sense for me as a person.<P>

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When a marriage or relationship ends there is always going to be someone carrying around most of the pain and hurt. The longer you are married the longer it is going to take to stop thinking about what happened.<P>I am the one who chose divorce to end my 16 year marriage, but I think about my stbxh all the time. There were happy times...I spent 20 years with him. Unfortunatly, the bad started outweighing the good until the entire marriage took a nose dive, crashed and burned. I think it is normal to think about your stbx...I don't think it really evens out until the divorce is final, and you truly start moving forward. I don't see how anyone can emotionally move forward when going through a divorce. It is gut wrenching, sad, frustrating; you are constantly rehashing what happened, discussing kids, marital assets...who can be happy and move on when going through that?<P>I also think that the person who decides to end the marriage may appear not as obsessive because he or she has already determined what was wrong and emotionally has already divorced the person. That is the hard part...emotionally separating yourself. To the person who is on the receiving end...especially if an affair is involved, they had no idea there was a problem and proceed to torture themselves for the next several months with trying to figure out when their spouse changed. <P>Back in January when I had first decided to separate, one of the divorce counselors I work with told me to expect my life to be pure hell for the next two years. I just stared at her...she smiled and then added, it'll get better, but not for a few more years. So, far she has been right. <P>Time is the best healer...one can only hope so. I don't think it is logical to think that you are going to wake up the next morning and forget your past, forget about the person who you thought you would grow old with...but the pain will lessen and eventually it may be possible to get through the days without thinking about what happened.<P>I hope so.<P> <P>

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Jill...<P>I don't think, for me, the signing of the divorce papers has made me be able to move forward...<BR>... it was the comming to terms... that did it.<P>I agree that there will always be moments of some kind of "obsession"...<BR>...but there won't be that insensity anymore...<BR>...and <I>more</I> "forgetting" is what needs to take place.<BR>(firgiveness... of her and myself... I've already done)<P>...even in coming to terms...<BR>...I still saw only anger, resentfulness, and materialism in my W...<P>...and my love for her is so low...<BR>...<B>just like no contact is supposed to produce</B>...<BR>...that it now turns into almost a pity for her.<P>I have, after the signing is done with, one more step to complete my own spiritual healing on this...<BR>...for me... I will draft up the paper work for an annulment.<P>I consider this the final closure to the marriage...<BR>A step that will flush my mind of images and thoughts...<BR>A step that will let me go beyond "forgiveness"... and move to "forgeting".<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Jill,<BR>I know what you mean. I obsess about my STBXH also but it has only been about 7 months for me. Fortunately I have been praying alot (something I never did before the affair) and God has been listening. I have had some very clear signals that being with my H is a very bad situation for me. I found out some valuable information about his behavior at his former work that has made it easier for me to detach. Hearing that he was a liar and a deceiver at work for years has made me realize that this is his problem and has little to do with me. My friends have told me from the start of all this "Good Riddance" and I am finally now believing this myself. Continue to get support, pray and try and think about other things that make you happy. You can have a happy life - one that doesn't revolve around having a man in it.

Joined: Dec 1999
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Hi Jill,<P>A few days ago I went to pick up my daughter at her mother’s, where she was visiting and while I was waiting for her to be ready I look at the soon-ex-wife and her lover and <B>REALIZE THAT I DON’T MISS HER</B>… wew… WeW… wEw… WEW!!!!!!! This took me by surprise, and then I came to the realization that what I truly miss is <B>THE FAMILY</B>, the three of us all those happy years; so far I feel that I have moved from one step on to the next one, and although sometimes I still fall down I KNOW that there is light at the end of the tunnel, light that every now and then I already see.<P>Also, I usually notice that I have advanced yet another step WHEN IT DOESN’T HURT ANYMORE- sort of like a small graduation.<P>Jill, it takes time to heal, but don’t be and “adult” rationalizing this: embrace your emotions, welcome them as long as they don't control you; in any case let them come to and though you, it’s part of the healing process.<P>Also, check this if you may:<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001157.html" TARGET=_blank><B>WHO MOVED MY CHEESE?</B></A><P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited October 14, 2000).]


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