Thanks for asking, "do I detect total defeat, or just no fight left, or overpowered by XH?"<P>Moi, NEVER will I ever be in a position where any of your suppositions are true ever again.<BR>I believe that H is angry that his charming manipulative control carries no weight, but I believe he is now without anymore ammunition as the kids and I can no longer (forthe most part) be played anymore....we all are ready to move on...and he seems stuck! <P>Actually things are slowly falling in to place as regards the legal divorce...lawyer expensively still working on all this and since we know his modus operandi,we have to work it all out and present a package where there is no squirming and he cannot do nothing.This suits him as we are now...interim CS...low and no other obligations etcPLUS he has an excuse fornot marrying tramp....so this too shall have closure which I need financially.<P>The kids are "settled" in terms of this mess....and I am still battling to get the younger 2 to apply themselves at school...with all the support systems they need....etc.<BR> Told them this is their job,andmine is to enable them to do the best that THEY and no-one else can do....tough for teens in the best circumstances.<P>Older 2 are back at school...one with his head on and the other learning new ways to deal with me as he was mirroring his arseh@le of a father's behaviour. A slowprocess,but at least I think that the worst is over.<P>I have still not dated....choose not to at this point,I think what I would look for does not exist in a "single form" in my town. My expectations are so clear at this point and I wou;ld settle for no less at this point. Anyway my life is full and has been complicated enough for so long that I do not want to add another dimension that I will not be able to deal with rationally at this point in time.....my children aremy priority until they finish school....4 MORE YEARS...and then I can do whatever and I will reevaluatethen...and hopefully I will be divorced.<P>STBX is still living with tramp....what a jerk....but his problems are now his to deal with...and he still will not communicate with me and tries to control things...fat chance I will ever look on him as anything other than a pathetic lost soul (when I am in a good mood)<P>This has been a nightmare,but really I have coped through the worst and it can only get better...with rough spots along the way,but that is the reality of life.<P>Take care of yourself and your children...they need you desperatewly no matter what it looks like superficially.<P>

Whew! <P>Yes, I am glad that these suppositions are not true!<P>I detected a little slowing down of you r vigour while you were posting alot, and then a tailing off, so i am glad that you haven't given up the fight.<P>Yes, I am working over my kids, and surprisingly, 8 yo d is learning alot about how NOT to act to supportive family members, and actually, this may get her to learn that anger and not using your words correctly does drive people away.<P>However, it is the tramp influence that I am fighting, and will be fighting forever. 11 yo s is at a particularly vulnerable age, and this is the worst time for him. Juggling his needs with 8 yo d needs on my weekends doesn't get as much of him as I would like, because he is older and less volatile, less emotional, so I must switch over to him and win back his excitement for life.<P>anyway, i appreciate your support, and was hoping that you hadn't left, as you do help me rally during low times.<P>take care, good to read from you, and ?maybe?<BR>see you in Nashville?<P>thl

oh yeah, and by the way, ICK to the dating, there are far more important issues for us than dating.<P>thl

WIFTT:<BR>Thank you so much for asking about my "stuff" and responding. The reason why I have not posted....but have lurked, is that I think I am all emotionally drained out from this mess that took over my life...for 20 months now....I guess selfishly,I have chosen to offer very little advice unless a very familiar alias cropped up,as I am trying not to be drawn in to dwell on the insanity for too long each day. I guess maybe for me this is part of the healing....no excuse ...but.<P> I am the one actively persuing the divorce asI really want to move on as a single parent and want a financial closure as well so that I can take care of all my own stuff now and forever. I have made and done all the parental things....the father has done nothing but the uncle dad stuff)<P>In my families case the insanity of this situation has confused so many people who know us and I cannot see my way to forgiving this man his behaviour towards our 4 children,never mind myself......but the kids will always have him as their dad and will and should love him.<P>I hope that you are able to be a "super dad" to your son as sons therapist thought would happen and was suprised when it did not...DUH!!! (He thought the man had given up OW as well!)<P>Your d needs to know that though her words are hurtful,you will never abandon her...no matter what her behaviour. You do need to set clear and defined boundaries and consequences to try to change this (as I am doing with my d),but sometimesthese kids need to test just how rotten they can be to reaffirm that parents do not leave them. Hope this makes sense in some way. Is she seeing a therapist?<P>Now is the time your son is vulnerable.....so if possible can you get "alone time" with him for special bonding?<P>How is your father? <P>My son is in Boston...we have started talking...and if he ever asks me to visit,then I will go if I can leave these 2!<P>Nville sounded attractive, but it is a bad time of the year...son has semester exams finals...and needs to have his social life curtailed.plus he writes exams on weekends so.....<BR>but I will be taking all 4 kids on a cruise in Dec for a week as I did last year with all 4!.<P><BR>What is ICK? <BR>Dating..... I understand intellectually what it is at this point....vague memories form 25 years and more ago!!!!<BR> <BR>

Thanks for asking about Dad, he has all cancer removed, no lymph nodes involved, no bone scan found anything. Whew, missed several bullets there.<P>ICK, loosely translated into Canadien is YUCK!<P>Yes, I have to spend more time with son. Quality time, and he does not talk.<P>as far as your not posting, that is what I had suspected. anyway, you can see my post about the agreement, if you hadn't already.<P>thl