My H left me 2 months ago after having an internet affair for two months prior. We had been married for 15 years, I thought very happily...it came as a bolt out of the blue. He said he needed some space to sort himself out. However he told me on Saturday night that it's all over, he doesn't love me in the same way any more.<P>He's 41 and I really relate to the things that were said in the other thread about MLC, he says I've been controlling, that he doesn't think he's achieved anything, resents me etc....<P>He is now seeing a girl he used to go to college with 20 years ago.....he says it's not a date...he doesn't want another relationship, but has a need to revisit his past.<P>I don't know what to do, I love him so much and have a raging jealousy inside me, apart from feeling a fear about the future without him. My son is also confused, even though I have assured him it's nothing to do with him, he just keeps saying he wants us to be a family again....<P>My husband is a good father and has always been my best friend....<P>Any advice would be really helpful, cause I'm feeling pretty raw....<P>nep<BR>

Welcome <B>nep</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're not alone...<BR>Your story has been told countless times on these forums...<P>Start on the MB <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... even if you don't understand it all!<BR>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> as well.<P>You and your child have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

<BR>Thanks Jim, it's good to know I'm not on my own and I'll have a look at the things you suggested!<P>I'm so glad I've found you people<P>nep

nep - You are not alone. The crisis in my marriage came after 17 years. He had several EAs - the first one was with my sister. His anouncement was a bolt out of the blue to me also.<P>I didn't know about MB until a few months ago and my divorce is now almost 2 years old. My name here is Cinderella because, if you compare who I was with who I have become, it fits. <P>I hurt so badly for you. I can recommend therapy and prayer. I didn't know about plans A and B. But the other two never hurt.<BR>

Thanks Cinderalla<P>I'm so glad that you've been able to move on in your situation and I hope that one day I can too.<P>The thing I find most painful is trying to explain it all to my four yr old, when I don't really understand it myself.<BR>I also want to be a friend to my H for our sakes and our sons, but my counsellor says she doesn't think its possible...why? Am I being naive?<P>I still think he's confused and that one day we'll work it out, or maybe I'm just having a hard time letting go?<P>nep

nep,<P>when the incident occurs as a bolt out of the blue, there maybe a lack of knowing the self, there maybe a lack of self esteem. There maybe depression as in an age related reality check. There may be biological reasons for this. It may have happened in his family in slightly different ways, nad he is doing what he saw was good for his parents.<P>If he said that he doesn't love you in the same way any more, he may be the dreaded romantic, which is a belief that all marriages and love must contain the same passion as when you first met. And then once the passion fades, the romantic goes searching for the passion again.<P>If it is a depression, he may be blaming you for his problems, and he needs to figure out how to fix it himself. But as we grow, love and the expression of love changes, and marriage changes you, it forces you to grow, and some people don't like that change, especially if they don't have a good relationship to their parents. <P>You can still be a friend, by using respectful language when communicating, and by just detaching and watching. STill be there if he crashes with the relationship, its not about you as much as you think, but about him, and the way he is looking at life.<P>tom<BR>

God, you are so right.... It is all about him, he says he's looking for something but he doesn't know what it is... He told me yesterdy he definitely doesn't want to be involved with anyone at the moment and as such has cut all ties with the internet 'thing'.<P>His parents separated when he was 6 and got back together when he was 12...unfortuntely his dad died one year later....I think there's something in that but I don't know what...he has a lot of resentment for his mother and is trying to work through that in therapy....<P>I think I have grown as a person throughout our relationship, but I'm not sure that he has. He does expect the 'whizz bang' of when you are first in love to still exist and unfortunately I don't think that it does in the same way....<P>But how can you tell someone you still fancy them, and miss them but don't think that's enough to build on??<P>I wish I knew what was going on in his head!<BR>nep

HMmmm, separated for 6 years, sounds like a rerun of sorts. That is fairly common, I am seeing it here as well. I would bet your H is not a forward looking person, but lives in the present only, nothing in the future.<P>He sounds as though he is having a mid life crises. My suggestion is to one, get some books on men's MLC's, and two, try to get him to a counselor that deals with this stuff.<P>Start getting information on counseling, and then leave it around, don't push, but somehow get him to see it, and talk about getting some help. You position is not for you, but help for him, to help him, to help him find his self.<P>that's the best I can offer.<P>tom<BR>

Nep, <P>I, too was in a long term marriage when my husband bagan an affair on line. I did not want to admit it at the time, but I am sure there were problems in our marriage when he decided to have the affair, and I choose to look the other way. <BR>He may be going through some midlife crisis of sorts, this certainly makes some people behave in very strange ways. If you stiull want your marriage, do the reading that NSR sugests, put away any thought of divorce and work hard to save your marriage. <BR>While I was not one of the success stories here, there are many that were able to put their marriage back together. It takes hard work, determination and a lot of pain, but is worth it, in my opinion. <BR>Good luck to you, and post here whenever you need to, we are here to listen!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Nep<P>I am going through the same thing right now - the last reply is the best. While this is still fresh, if you don't want the divorce be sure to tell your husband.<P>My story is similar in that their involvement intensified over the internet - unfortunatly she had a way to get to Virginia (her brother lives here) and their "encounter" was only once, but deliberatly planned - I found the e-mails - *very* hurtful. I immediately went to a lawyer and filed for divorce, our property settlement agreement will be signed on Tuesday. He just moved out today. Since I found out (a week ago this past thursday) I have been so enraged, I just wanted him out of my house - out of my life. However, after reading through many posts, and article I have come to the conclusion that *I* valued our marriage - so I have asked him to concider counseling and reconciliation. He said he needs time to think about it and I agree only he can make that decision, but at least I have extended the olive branch so to speak. Only time will tell, but at least one of us wants it to work, now if he makes the decision to also try - I think we may be successful.<P>You have nothing to loose by extending an olive branch - give up the anger (that will also help ease the pain), try to focus on the future - visualize it without your husband - if he chooses not to try you need to have a good picture if he is not there. You already know what it can be if he is there, you'll just need to work harder in what ever emotional need he was lacking when he was looking elsewhere.<P>Sorry this is so long<P>TV

I am grateful for all your advice. He is going for counselling Tom, and I think he does want to sort himself out acutally, I just wish I understood it all?<P>I am trying to be his friend at the moment, I have read Plan A and B and I am really trying to communicate with him in a non-confrontational way. At the moment it's working...until my hormones get the better of me!!<P>For me I honestly don't think there were any problems in the marriage as such...I think this is definitely about him and knowing him as a person, he wouldn't have chosen to take this route if he could have done anything to avoid it. I know he feels a tremendous sense of guilt and must be going though torture at the moment.<P>I'm sorry it didn't work out for you Sue, but i think your advice is sound, and I will try as hard as I possibly can to make this work out.<P>In saying that I am trying to let go a bit gradually, for my own sanity in case things don't work out..<P>TV - You must be feeling very raw too, I hope your H does decide to go for counselling even if initially it's not together (as in my situation) at least it will help him find what he wants and it will help you to deal with your feelings too. I am finding it an enormous help now....<P>You are all in my thoughts....<P>nep