While we are all going through this process of getting some sense of living, albeit, we're at different places, but same process, how are you getting these so important emotional needs met? There is a whole forum on it, but it looks like it's those still in the marriage relationship. How do you protect yourselves from being vulnerable, yet getting EN's met? For those of us who haven't met someone new.

In the book, "Passionate marriage", the author discusses how to learn to self soothe yourself. this is a very important point. It is about self reliance, self independence and not co-dependence. It is about becoming happy with yourself. it is about seeing yourself as a person, regardless of being married or not.<P>The only EN you have which cannot be found from friends, is sexual fulfillment. That needs to be saved for a serious relationship.<P>Otherwise, you must get out and get some friends, to interact with people. BTW, which EN's are you having trouble meeting? or which are your most important?<P>

What an excellent topic. I am very curious to hear what others have to say in response to this one. Since I am not involved in a relationship at this point, getting my EN’s met is a very difficult thing. I currently rely on my family, my friends and the support from everyone out here to help me with most of my EN’s. The only one I can’t fulfill right now is that of SF, but that will come with time for SF w/o love is more of a physical need and not an emotional one. At least for me.

I'll have to get the list out again, but that will be good. Only because I'll be able to identify exactly what the main ones are I'm struggling with. I've been asking around about "singles" groups, and there is one that meets 2x a month, on Tues. And I've been goin to a Divorce Recovery class on Sun. pm. Missed last Sunday, and boy do I feel it. I've been on the phone with my Mom, and another friend. I'm trying hard to find out group activities, and it's a "dry" town. Just nothing really available!!!Very discouraging. I'm sending resumes to another town, an hour away, but I feel like I have to get out of this area. It is just too small with the X and the other. Too much pain.

I agree, it is very difficult to get your EN's met. For me, this board is it. I do feel the compassion. Right now only a few friends know what is going on and basically I have cut myself off from everyone. To me it is easier to deal with this way. Get my head straight, then deal with what I need. Right now it is hard to even figure out what my real EN's are. Everything (at this point) seems to depend on what happens with my marriage. I am still praying that it will work out. It's hard not knowing what H is feeling, but at least there isn't any arguing. I still feel like I am in some other world and everything is just passing by in some "fog". <BR>Funny though, just looked over at my two dogs and how sweet they are, just laying there at such peace... Kinda wish I was one of them right now!!! They appear to have everything! <BR>

Good question. Far too often we compare ourselves to our XH or XW and they seem to be moving forward so much faster than we are (the ones who have been betrayed). I think that even though they are moving forward they are not necessarily moving forward to a happier life. I am taking my time, it is a process, figuring out what I did wrong in the marriage, what I want for my future and making falling in love with life again my main goal. Even though I am about to start receiving adequate spousal/child support I want to find a new job, move to a new home and start living a new life with my daughter - one that is not connected anymore with my STBXH. Friends, divorce recovery, counseling, church activities and just trying to keep busy help with meeting your emotional needs. I want to make sure I am ok with myself before I even think about a new person in my life. I want to feel that I have learned from my mistakes!

JDQ,<P>Careful, Catholic stuff here <P>My emotional needs are being met through quiet time. I actually enjoy the time alone. Every morning I take my dog on a walk for about 30 minutes. During that walk I say the Rosary and have short little chats with God about the upcoming day and where I am headed.<P>At night when I get home I again go for a walk with the dog and have another chat with God. Bothing thanking him for the day and asking him for His continued help, and acknowledging the fact that I am in this for a reason - one that right now only He knows, but someday He will reveal the reason to me.<P>Thankfulness is a powerful thing. Once you start thanking God for what is "good" in your life right now, you start to change your focus from all the *hit in your life. We all have so much to be thankful for: health, wealth, not having to worry about not having food to eat, your job, family members, the good memories you have, friends, the weather, and on and on...<p>[This message has been edited by SoTired2000 (edited October 27, 2000).]

That is the one thing now that many of us are single that we miss is that we look for someone else to make us happy, and we must find it within ourselves. Then, any relationship we have will only enhance our lives. <P>I believe the EN that are outlined in the book are the ones we look for to be met in a relationship/.marriage context.It is what defines our relatonshp for us. While we may have some of those needs outside the context of marriage, many can be fulfilled by joing groups, getting involved with our friends, etc. Of course the sexual need can only be filled in a relationship, unless empty sex is ok for some. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Just some random thoughts after reading the above posts. If we can get most of our emotional needs met when we are alone, why is it suddenly when we are married or in a relationship, a whole slew of things are now needed and demanded from the spouse, (some of them questionable, and some of them demands) or we feel we cannot "be happy"? When do "needs" become demands? Do we have a right to have all our needs met or if they are not, expect that we can leave the relationship and/or have an affair in order to get these needs met? Isn't a committment to your spouse and your marriage more important? I am having trouble accepting the premise that all marriage exists for is for individuals to get their needs met. At least as much emphasis should be on committment. Why are so many people who have affairs and/or leave their marriages so adamant about having their needs met when they have made little or no effort themselves to meet the spouse's needs?<P>Also - I agree that if you have no gratitude for what you have been blessed enough to receive, then you will not be happy, no matter how hard your spouse tries to meet all your needs. It seems that too many people are only concerned with what they are getting or need to get, and not concerned enough with what they have to give. When you expect someone else to "make" you happy, are you not turning over control of your life to that person? Are we not responsible for our own happiness to a great extent? It seems to me sometimes that perception is everything - that how we perceive our lives and our marriages can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Many people seem to decide that are unhappily married, and act accordingly. Can feelings follow and be determined by actions, or must actions be determined by feelings?

Lady M,<P>Could not have said it better. <P>It is even worse for people in my age group 20 - 35yrs. And maybe I am a little biased, but from all the people I talk to who have gone through this or are going through this, it seems like the younger women are really leaning towards the "I deserve to be happy" mentality. Even the lawyer I went to months ago calls this a "late twentieth century divorce" - He said he sees these young girls come in to him (he has done over 2000 divorces) and say "I'm just not happy - I want a divorce. My husband is a good man, but marriage is not supposed to be like this".<P>I truly believe that happiness comes from within. Even more than that it comes from a love of yourself and love from God. If you don't first love yourself, I think it is extremely hard if not impossible to love someone else.<P>As for commitment, I'm not sure how much weight that holds anymore. Haven't spoken to my wife in several weeks, but next time we do talk, I am going to be sure to mention that next time she gets married (if she ever does) that she needs to write her own vows and be sure to leave out the phrases "for better and for worse" and "until death do us part". Maybe replace them with "for better, as long as my needs are met and I am happy 90% of the time, AND as long as you MAKE me happy".....<P>Mike