Hi everyone,<P>Been a while since I started a thread, but my STBX stopped by tonight. Made me realize that the 3 months he's been gone, or maybe since I totally let him go last weekend, I feel he definitely doesn't belong in my house. He came in, talked to the kids, I was civil, but didn't run after him, or even engage him in conversation at all. <P>Today was his last day at a job he'd been at for 7 years... I wasn't even slightly interested in asking about it. <P>Anybody else get that way about their spouse? Where you know what is going on in their lives, but you just don't feel like you want to share with them? I know I've had more interest in a complete stranger than I felt for him tonight.<P>My neighbor told me today that he had mentioned he wasn't sleeping at night, I said good, he's always come across to me like this is a piece of cake and no problems, glad to hear it is affecting him some. I feel just kind of cold. <P>It's just so weird that the person you figured you'd be with forever, for one, could cause so much pain, and for two, could become such a stranger in such a short time. 10 years of life, 3 months to death. <P>Here's to the human mind for it's coping mechanisms. <P>Lori

I know how you feel. I think for me it's partly a protective move. The more emotional distance between my stbx and me the less chance there is for heartache. I also feel resentment when he tries to share info and emotions as if I was still his wife. Since I am now the insigifigant other and most definitely do not want to be his friend (my friends treat me better than he does) I now longer feel obligated to listen to the details of his life.

Hi Lori,<P>I know exactly what you mean/feel. Like I said in Jenns post over in EN's, I can't believe that in less than 90 days, I've gone from being deeply in love with someone to calmly working out the details of the end of a 20 year relationship. It absolutely defies comprehension. And even stranger, I'm ok with it. I don't like it, but since I have no control over it, I have to accept it and move on. This is a big change in me from just 2 weeks ago. <P>If I ever get to heaven, the first thing I'm asking God is "tell me how you made the mind". <P>Hope you are well Lori.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited October 28, 2000).]

Well, maybe I'm the exception. My feelings for my H have not changed in the slightest, even though he has been gone 17 months and the judge granted him a divorce a couple of weeks ago. I do not understand how people can turn off their feelings for someone they love. I know the man I married is still in there somewhere, and I will not give up on him. <P>I think shutting down emotionally with respect to your spouse is a protective mechanism. I am not at all sure that it can last forever, and when those walls crumble, the pain will be worse than ever.<P>I wish they would start another forum for "divorce is just a piece of paper."<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited October 28, 2000).]

I can answer this quickly, and don't even want to get into a long explanation.<P>Yes, that quick! It's like 20 years never happened. He came into my life, ruined it, screwed around non-stop and left with a self-righteous attitude. Maybe it's my fault for choosing him in the first place.<P>------------------<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited October 28, 2000).]

I guess it's just a matter of accepting that you really don't have control over the other<BR>person..and can't make them love you..yes you can still love them..but it's better to emotionally detach so the hurt stops..at some point and you can move on..

But Nellie.....<BR> What if the man you married is NOT still in there....it's possible. Are you going to give up the rest of your life not giving up on your H? Gosh, I hope not. You've got way too much going for you for that IMHO. <BR> Don't sell those "protective mechanisms" short......I think God gave them to us for a reason. A very strong will can override them though, BUT should you? I once knew a guy that could hold his hand to a candle flame until the skin bubbled. (as an encore, he would bite a chunk out of a drinking glass and chew it up) Now, that guy had willpower, but.....<BR> You're an incredible woman, Nellie, and I pray that you don't waste the rest of your life waiting for somebody who doesn't appreciate that fact.<BR> BTW....My (never married) uncle married a woman with 5 daughters in 1967 and the two of them had 2 more kids(boys) together. <BR> Don't be a martyr......You're only coming through here once....<P>All the best to you and your wonderful kids,<BR>Bill

I know he is still in there. I can see flickers of the man I married every once in awhile. He, himself, said that people's basic personalities don't change - maybe he was really trying to convince himself.<P>Are those "protective mechanisms" really any different from the emotional walls that betrayers put up, the walls without which they would never be able to leave their families?

Lori,<P>The phenomenon is known as the love bank. It took 6 months or so before I experienced it.<P>Those that cling on for years and years maybe haven't come to grips just yet and are still hanging on to the idea of true love forever. I just don't know! What I do know is my STBX made some big-[censored] withdrawls it took a while for her to bankrupt her acount. But sure as God made little apples it happened.<P>So now I guess most of us plod along til we meet someone and start the love bank thing again.<P>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

In some respects it as though the woman that I loved and asked to marry me eight years ago has died. While I see occasional glimpses of her inhabiting the body of the woman that I used to know, they are terribly brief and fleeting. Some part of me wishes that they would disappear entirely - it would make "moving on" (whatever that means) somehow easier.<P>However, I must agree with Nellie1 as I took seriously the vows I made to my wife and before God. My commitment was "for better or worse, . . ., until we are parted by death." While this is definately a stage of "for worse," that fact doesn't invalidate the covenant. Perhaps as Xman argues, I am merely demonstrating foolish willpower, but I don't think so.<P>I look at our two young boys and think that their future warrants trying, to the best of our ability, to work through our problems, forgive the past, and work toward reconciliation of our relationship. <P>I look at the good times that we have shared (admittedly in the distant past at this point) and think the same for our own benefit. <P>I look at the Scriptural admonitions to love unconditionally, to honor marriage, to forgive, and to be "as one flesh" and think the same. <P>Delusional? Perhaps. Irrational? Probably, at least in the world's view. She currently denies her faith - it seems that "I don't know what I believe" is more palatable than "I know what I believe and am going to act in a manner diametrically opposed to those beliefs" - but my faith sustains. <P>While I do not know what the eventual outcome will be, I do know what I want it to be. I also know that, in spite of all, reconcilliation is something that I am open to. <P>My cousin, who with his wife struggled with infertility for years until finally adopting, observed that the most difficult part of accepting God's plan for them was the fact that God revealed his plan in His timing, not theirs. So, to Xman's prayer that Nellie1 not "waste the rest of your life waiting for somebody who doesn't appreciate that fact," I think right now that perhaps I will. While I pray that is not the case, I honestly don't know.<P>

Not sure where I stand on this one...My counsellor tells me today that I am being too reasonable and need to withdraw and I can see that being emotionally detached is definitely going to save a lot more pain..it's the doing it that's the hard bit. Although I think I'm getting there with the few recent events!!<P>There is still a part of me that would like a reconcilliation, but by the time he comes out of the fog...I think I'll have moved on...<P>maybe??...<P>nep