Ok, my kids want to go Christmas shopping. As my younger two do not have a job I will give them money to shop. I do not mind giving them X amount of $'s to spend...but I do not want to give them money to spend on OW. <P>I am divorced now. This is my X's rebound relationship after first OW left the state. She is living with x (before we were divorced). The 2 younger kids have met her. My oldest one refuses to see her.<P>Now here is my next ?. What about X inlaws. Do I buy gifts from the kids to them with my name on them or is this my X's responsiblity? I know that he will not be buying my side of the family anything from the kids.<P>This is hard, as I always bought all the Christmas presents. We were married almost 20 years.<P>His folks has not really treated me real well since this whole mess started. I am just trying to do what will make it easiest on the kids.<P>My children are my X's folks only grandchildren.<P>I want my children to be generous... not to feel guilty who they buy for. I guess I cannot say who and what they can buy. But I hate the fact that my money might go for something for her.<P>I guess I am rambling...other than this Christmas present buying...I am doing well on my own.<P>He does not want the kids Christmas (he is having Christmas with them early) so he can do something with the cow on Christmas...he did not want them this week either. I decided it was great as I would miss my kids. This is one reason you have children as to share holidays with. I just tried to pack in as much fun for them as I could.<P>Anyway...what are you guys doing with the present buying...any advice?

M3K,<P>Good to hear you are doing okay. I can use the same advise. I wasn't going to send anything, afterall they aren't related to me anymore(legally that is). Also, what about the cousins/nephews? My xsil and her sister(my x) aren't talking and x didn't send any birthday cards for the boys last year or year before. I never paid any attention to that and am not even sure when they are. Xsil always sends my kids stuff and they sent me a card for my b-day. <P>I am not sure what to do either.<P>Bob

Actually, STBX & I are exchanging small gifts. She's bound and determined to act friendly to me throughout this, so I'm going to play along, although it does seem weird. I'm also going to send a small gift from my son & me to my STBXIL's cause they mean a lot to me and always will. I guess it's all about how you feel...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited November 26, 2000).]

Some good questions... What about those of us who are separated and not divorced.... Plus still aren't sure what is going to happen. I am on a rather tight budget this year because of the separation. I am not sure what I should do. Mostly, his kids?? One lived with us, my family is rather attached to her and misses her a great deal. I have invited him for Christmas, but do not have an answer yet. We are "seeing" each other (sort of) and I do want to buy him something, but what???? Should I do something pratical like for his new house? That idea makes me a little uncomfortable just because I really dont want him to get too comfortable in the new house because I want him HOME! Then again, he isn't any better off than me and could really use something. <BR>So, O Wise Ones.... HELP!!!

Thanks everyone for replying....This is hard at the holidays.<P>I did do a nice picture album for my X mil for mother's day...ect ect...but to tell you the truth they have almost forgotten I existed. They hardly every call the kids either...I just want to make the kids happy and for them to enjoy Christmas.<P>I do think that my X has some responsable in buying some things...but who knows if he will.<P>LMK what you guys decide.

Any matured divorcees have any answers for us? We newbies can use some wisdom.<P>WIFTTy

I am not buying mu STBX angy gifts nor am I getting anything for my daughter to give her.<P>I will ask my D if she would like to make her mom a card or somesuch item.<P>I have no idea if this is right or wrong but it's how I think I should handle my situation, especialy after last years debacle.<P>Bill

I will not be buying my X anything from me...he did not get me anything last year and I did not get him anything last year because he told me not too. <BR>He did take the kids shopping to buy me presents from them...they picked it out and he paid for them..one present a piece.<P>I will give them $ and take them shopping to buy him something...I just don't how deep to buy. I know the kids want to get his side of the family presents...but it should be his responsibility....right.<P>My oldest daughter hardly talks to him and has bought her own presents since she works.<P>Believe it or not even thought his side have treated me poorly or rather like [censored]...I do not want to do treat them bad because it might hurt the kids.<P>Keeping the kids in the formost thought of all of this I feel is the best. Regardless of how I feel...but...I am human...and hurt...and betrayed...and angry...BUT..I am determined to be the WINNER in this all mess. <P>I am off the subject...sorry...I am just venting.<P>I just got a email from X that he bought santa presents...told me what they were...SO he bought some of the same things I did..urggg Did he talk to me first???? no...<BR>Oh well...<P>LMK what you all have decided...as I am still deciding.

I guess I fall in the category of a mature divorcee. SIGH!<P>Ok, what I do is the following:<P>During the first Christmas (I suppose I would have followed the same procedure for Hannukah) when he had just been out for a few months, I bought him a cd from myself (not a certificate of deposit) and a gift from the children. I also bought gift for his parents from children. And they got gift for him. <P>The next Christmas, when I had already given up hope on reconciliation, I got gift for him from children. Money would no longer allow any other option. That has been the policy to date. I usually allocate about $20. And his bd is 2 weeks before christmas so I have that to deal with. Usually do $15-20 on that. Sometimes less depending on what he did for me. Take my cues from his expenditures. And I let the children pick out his gifts. They are now 10 and 7 so they pick out bizarre gifts. (Father's day this year was a disposable camera, a package of Oreos and a candle.) I don't impose too many restraints other than money. <P>This year I may get his parents something small. I sort of think I need to. From me.<P>I let their father handle what they do for his parents. There has been only one person in his household living on three times what I have. He can pay for the gift.<P>Nieces I don't bother with. Their mother is one of x's enablers. He can pay. I never get anything - maybe a card from them. So, that's all I do. <P>When you have no money, you have to improvise. They might prefer a box of cookies to something else. More love goes into them. It's a thought. Children could help with the baking.<P>Good luck. It's like walking through a minefield, this figuring out your new life.

Well I have an ex and so does my husband and this is how we all handle it. My kids do make something for their dad at school but his girlfriend takes them X-mas shopping for his gifts. My husband's ex usually sends something with his kids at Christmas for him and sometimes they even bring a small gift for my kids (their step siblings). It's really small too. For instance, my step son is 5 and he worships my 12 yr. old son. So, he might pick out a cute 99 cent hot wheel car and wrap it for my son. In our home I do take my kids and my step kids out shopping for their dad/step dad. I don't by my ex's family gifts, he's responsible for that.

Hmmmmmm...[censored] will not get anything from me!! At school, the kids have Santa's Secret Shop. The kids can buy small items for about $1 each. If they want to buy him a gift, that's where they'll get it! Hey! You can't do much shopping when you're strapped for cash! <P>I'm just going to take care of the kids and my family.<P>Mitzi

The decision as to whether or not to give gifts to ex-inlaws and to the ex- from the kids is one that each person has to make for him/herself. But, I think that it's important for kids to remember that the ex is still their parent and therefore should not be forgotten at Christmas. Same goes for the ex-inlaws. A good suggestion (in my opinion - and it's what mine are getting) would be framed pictures of the children. It's appropriate, inexpensive, and doesn't require much effort.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

I'm a step-mom and this is what we do:<P>The kids choose all the gifts they give and the parents fork over the money. (Allowance is a subject for another thread...we tried that and every time we would say "save your allowance for that" H's X would buy them what they wanted. No lessons learned there.)<P>-I take the kids shopping for H's gift from the kids. <BR>-H takes the kids shopping for my gift from the kids.<BR>-H takes the kids shopping for their mother's gift since she currently has no "significant other" to do it. When she did have a long-term "significant other", he took them shopping for her gifts and paid for them.<BR>-The rest of the gifts are given from the family. Gifts to H's family and my family are chosen and paid for by us. Gifts to H's X's family are chosen and paid for by her.<P>In an effort to teach the kids that sometimes the best gifts are not purchased, we occasionally make crafty gifts. The experience that was the weirdest was when step-daughter needed my help making the basket w/bow for a gift for her mom. I viewed it as a teaching experience for my step-daughter rather than me doing something for H's X.<P>It is sometimes hard to see our money spent for H's X, but I choose to look at it as teaching the kids to be generous. Kindness and generosity are learned behaviors...and kids need someone to teach them.<P>Peace, LLL

I talked to x today and asked her if she was getting her parents anything from the kids for Christmas. She said she did not know what to get get them and and that she never did(?, she is usually done shopping in Oct!). She said I could get them something for them if I wanted. We had always given them the kids pictures before. I guess I'll tell x that's what I am going to do.<P>I then asked how about her nephews. She said her sister isn't talking to her so she did not think she was going to exchange presents with her and her family and I could if I wanted. Geesh, thanks for all the help!!!<P>So I guess I will call xsil and see what they want to do. I guess pictures for them too.

We have exes on both sides, and a blended family. Here's how it works at our house.<P>I take the kids shopping for presents for H. He does the same in reverse for me. We buy presents for one grandma (my ex-MIL, actually) from the kids...sometimes a pretty generic something from us as a family.<P>Both of our exes are in new relationships, so shopping for exes is handled by their SO's, or in the case of my ex, his mother does a lot of the shopping. Crafty things or cards the kids make for them at home or school are fine.<P>Once the family evolves into something different, I think it's time to change the traditions to suit the new situation. It's wonderful to help kids get presents for everyone, but keep in mind there ARE other people who can accept responsibility for helping. Don't try to take on too much for yourself.

This is my second "divorced Christmas" coming up and I will send *cards* to EVERYONE, including my ex-H and ex-"outlaws". Hey, it's just a card. "Peace on earth, everyone; good will to everyone, too." : ) No presents from my household to either of those homes. However, I do : ) realize that I do customarily buy two small gifts for "formers": my former sister-in-law (ex-H's brother's former wife, in fact) and her daughter. The bond of sisterhood forged under the fire of being married to the Brothers Odd, I suppose. Presents from me, personally, go to my side of the family, and now they're "family presents" (nuts, cheese baskets, etc.) only as everyone is 2,000 miles away and the kids there are all in grade school and growing like weeds and I don't even hope to guess what they'd individually like. I take care of each individual on their birthday with a card and ice cream shop (B-R) gift certificate. I don't expect my son to assist with the "family gifts," but just put his name on the tags, too. I also consider that I am a one-income household now and pretty much on a "fixed" income (with raises that match the inflation rate!).

Hey m3k,<P>good to hear from you. <P>Here's my story.<P>I buy for my family and my closest 2 girlfriends.<BR> As far as his family are concerned, I buy for my BIL and his de-facto, (I call her my SIL) They have been supportive throughout all of this, and have not taken sides. As far as my ex-in-laws go, they have treated me like dirt, blamed me for everything, and still expect to see my children when they so choose........ Still take, take, take.<P>However, having said all that, I still haven't decided what I will do. I feel it is my STBX h's responsibility to buy for his parents from our children and himself. No longer is it my responsibility. I feel churlish and childish saying that, what with the meaning of Christmas and all, but I think I would just like to forget them. Forget they ever existed and that they came into my life. They don't care for me, or about me, so why do I bother...... there goes that childishness again!!!!!!!!!<BR>I think I'll just leave things as they are.<BR>So no, I won't even be sending a card from me. And my ex-h can take care of his responsibilities in his own way.<P>big hugs for you<P>Jo

well..After this year..I won't be buying his mom gifts from the kids..(I've already bought it this year) something she really needs..I bought it on sale months ago..but x will be responsible for the gift buying for his mom from the kids..I don't buy my family anything from the kids..never have and don't intend to start now.<P>As far as for him..I have always bought him two or three new pairs of jeans and new shirts..one from the kids one from me and the other from me and the kids..not this year..I did to him what he has always done for me where they are concerned..I took them out and told them to get something for their dad..he usually gives them $5 a piece to spend on me..so I returned the $ amount this year on his present..<P>As far as buying for the new man/lady in the x's life..you aren't required to buy anything for them from your kids..if your x wants to give the OP something from the kids...let the x buy it..take them out..and allow them to pick something out for the parent..and leave it at that..if x wants his family to get something from the kids..same rule applies..allow them to buy it..your not responsible for that purchase any longer..<BR>*IF* you are close to the X-in laws and wish to buy them something..then by all means do so..but don't feel obligated to do it..do it only if you want to..and if they get you something..You still aren't under any obligation to buy them anything in return..<P>I quit buying gifts for his family (other than his mom) years ago..they used to draw names..when they drew my kids names and DIDN"T buy them anything..I quit buying for them..and have refused to participate in that yearly "tradition" since..<P>Heck his mom can come into town for two weeks and never even pick up the phone to call and let me know she's in town..and not come over and see her grandkids..so why should I care if she gets anything for Christmas from them???

I won't buy anything for my STBX. He didn't give me any gifts last year and for my birthday this year(I gave him gifts for both Christmas and his birthday). I rather spend money for buying ME gifts!<BR>My in-laws won't get anything either. We never exchanged gifts in the past so it's gonna be the same.<P>At least we don't have kids so it's less complicated.<P>Meg<BR>

Thanks to everyone for replying.<P>You will not believe the NEW twist my X has thrown in...<P>He bought the kids a dog (corgi) back in May. I did not know that it was the same kind of dog (2nd OW had). The kids love her but I take care of her. I take her for her walks, feed, water ect. So I consider her my dog. <P>Anyway....X went where my oldest daughter works last night and told her not to get our dog (Sadie) a retractable lease because (Ranger) her dog (OW) is getting one for her.<P>So NOW the OW dog is getting my dog a Christmas present...has he lost his mind? Maybe I am losing mine!!!!!<P>My list does NOT include her dog much less her. This is all so surreal sometimes...I never dreamed 2 years ago my life would be like this.<P>Thanks for letting me vent!