I have been talking to this guy for over a year, just casually as friends we've done coffee and talked but never "dated"<P>Recently after telling him everything i just recently went threw with my ex he told me that he really cares for me and would like to show me what a positive relationship can be like.<P>I have to admit i do like him and when we didn't talk as much (when i spent time with the ex) i wondered how he was doing. He was very good at listening and never passed judgment.<P>So, i'm excited to go out and will be but at the sametime is this really fair to him?<BR>

I guess the only way it would be unfair is if you aren't honest with him. The statement he made about showing you what a positive relationship can be looks like pretty strong feelings to me.<P>If it feels right to you, give it a try. But make sure you are open an honest with him. He deserves that & so do you.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

So what is your definition of dating?<P>Just keep talking, conversation to ask and answer questions, and just practice, use him to decide what a better possibility could be like. Just enjoy yourself, and don't let yourself get carried away!<P>talk to Dana, see if she can tell you what a "good" guy looks like.<P>WIFTTy<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited December 04, 2000).]

DanaB says she has "Good Gur Radar" and can spot them a mile away. I think we should get her to lead a seminar at the January meeting in Nashville.<P>So, go out. Enjoy the attention. Talk honestly. Learn from your experiences with this man. After all, you have to learn on someone if you're going to progress.

My definition of "dating" is seeing just that indidvdual and no one else. Feeling that there might be potential there and having a genuine interest.<P>I've only really in my entire life dated and and went into what i thought to be a mutually satisfying relationship with my ex.<P>Before him and after him I went out with bunches of people and went out for the purpose of not being at home. I've never really cared whether any of those people hung around or not.<P>He does know about my relationship with my ex. He knows that i tried to reconnect with my ex and that i have gone through some pretty hard times in the last couple of months.<P>I hate this. This wondering thing. It makes me feel vulnerable.

I don't think you can start a relationship based on too much talk about the last relationship. Of course it's an issue, but there has to be more there than "showing you what a positive relationship is like". Sounds to me like a thinly veiled request for sex when you are not ready to make that decision.<P>If he really cares for you, he will still be around when you are ready.<P>You'll know when you are ready. Don't let anyone pressure you to do anything you don't feel you are ready to do. And when you are ready you'll be in a better position to decide if you are really attracted to him, or just needed a friend.<P>If all the stars line up, go for it!<BR>

Well, don't "date" until you are sure that he is worthy of dating. Let him know that you are not being exclusive for awhile. that way, you don't box yourself in right away, and it makes it easier to do some "comparison" shopping.<P>But the other necessity I felt for me was to know myself, and what I am looking for. that way, I can decide to pursue someone when the combination is correct. It saves alot of experimentation with people.<P>For myself in this or close to this particular order, i wanted someone who is very humorful and imaginative, is athletic or likes to do/watch sports, who personality type is very close to mine only one letter different, and IS NOT A JUDGER!, a woman who has professional experience preferably working, is 0-5 years younger than me. also, seeing as my past girlfriends, but not wife, were several inches shorter than me, one that was smaller than me.<P>I could go on, but that would further only fine tune the person. Once the person meets this criteria, I would consider dating, but until then, its open season on meeting people and having fun. so figure out what you are looking for, and search for it.<P>good luck<P>tom

thank you<P>But we didn't always talk about my past marriage.<BR>I get a headache if i talk about that too much.<P>I feel it in myself that i didn't before.<BR>I would like to spend my life sharing it with someone.<P>Sex is a completely different issue than dating. Another level.<P>Not to mention at some point i have to believe not all guys are mean and will say anything to "bed" a woman.<BR>Not all guys are jerks.<BR>I don't feel pressured, I'm actually excited, it's the bad feelings from my marriage that make me worry.<BR>I was made to feel 10th on the list for YEARS it's hard to imagine someone wanting to be there for me. Let alone my daughter too.<BR>

You're right. Not all of us are jerks with ulterior motives (But enough are to give us a dim reputation in some circles)<P>I think if you feel ready, then try testing the water, but only you can know that for sure. I think most of us in here would like someday to explore the possibility of a relationship with another, but many of us will be awfully tentative due to our most recent experiences <P>Who knows, you might really enjoy it, so I say, follow your instincts and do what feels comfortable to you. <P>Take care & good luck.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

"Sounds to me like a thinly veiled request for sex when you are not ready to make that decision."<P>I totally agree.<P>What that guy said is one of the oldest lines in the book. The "let me take care of you" routine, cause "I'm a nice guy". <P>You are feeling vulnerable, so having some guy come along and offer this must sound pretty tempting. It is kinda selfish, isn't it? What are you going to bring to the table? Do you honestly believe you can get something for nothing? Nothing in life is free. Anyone offering something for nothing (like this guy apparently) shouldn't be trusted IMO. Your job is to figure out what that something is. <P>I wish people came with references, like jobs. I wish I could call up the exes of these guys and get their side. I've actually considered doing just that myself. If or when I ever date again, and some guy starts asking me about my past, I'll just hand him a list of my ex's phone numbers and he can figure it out for himself.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 05, 2000).]

I wouldn't want to hand anyone a sheet of ex's to contact for reference.<BR>They're all bitter! So the reference wouldn't be fair!<BR>I'm a good person and someone i might of scorned obviously would not perceive me that way anymore. <P>I've gone out with plenty of guys who are subtle about their requests for "sheet time" and those that are completely upfront.<BR>I've heard the lines, but after a while you have to risk your heart again in order to receive. <BR>I guess i made up my mind.<BR>I'm not going to let bad experiences in the past prevent me from having a relationship or attempting one woith someone i find attractive and interesting.<P>

rtn2,<P>Hello. This has always been a flame starting topic on the board, and it sounds like this post may follow the others!!<P>I am somewhat familiar with your situation before reading this post. <P>I can answer on a few of your questions, only based on my own experiences and what my closest friends have experienced as well.<P>You have received lots of good advice so far. Dating can mean so many different things to so many people. I honestly think most women view dating as more "exclusive" then men. <P>I wouldn't limit myself either, not the first time out like this. It is quite possible that this guy is really a nice guy. Let him SHOW you that not just TELL you. Your also right that sex is on another level and that you are really just talking about casual dating. <P>You can always start very simple and very slow. Go to dinner once a week. Talk, about everything EXCEPT the last relationship. He knows enough. Learn about each other as individuals and really think about what you want yourself.<P>Some people are happy to date one person, others want some freedom after being tied down for so long. What do YOU want?? <P>Its important to understand that no matter WHO your first relationship is after marriage, it is possible to get way too attached to quick. This happened to me and a few of my friends. You don't even realize it when its happening.<P>A great book , Rebuilding when the Relationship Ends, will offer you a lot of information on what you are feeling while going thru and after this divorce. I STILL look back on this one year later!<P>There is always that possibility (sorry fellas)that some guys are out for sex. After talking to him for a year, and him waiting until now to say something, he should at least get some points for that right?? Hey, does he have a love bank started yet?? <P>I'll tell you about my "nice guy". This past weekend he gave me a dozen roses for no reason. No anniversary, no fight (we've not had one yet, knock on wood), just because he wanted to tell me he loved me. The next night we went to dinner at a romantic place all decorated with beautiful xmas lights and music to get me in the mood for xmas. Of course, I'll have to stop right there as I don't want to offend anyone but it was a great night!!<P>This is a person who was in no hurry for sex. A person who is known by all his friends as one of the nicest guys they know , someone who shows total respect when it comes to my fears and insecurities thanks to ex cheating.<P>I think its totally acceptable for you to go to dinner and ask him exactly what he is looking for, then you tell him what YOU are looking for. Its a little soon to be exclusive but in the end, you have to do what's right for you! Go slow. Don't rush and take time for just you. <P>This is the time for you to be as picky as you want in your preferences of a man. Of course, don't get too picky they are men! <P>To Tom, I like your profile of what your looking for, too bad I'm taken, plus, you lost points for offering me a ride to Nashville then backing OUT! <P>Its a long hard road. Going thru divorce and the year after, its full of choice and decisions we have never made. Be careful, because you are vulnerable and still healing.<P>Feel free to email me personally anytime at MissDMBrown@aol.com<P>I am not on the board as much because I am actually writing a book. <P>Good luck, <BR>hugs, Dana<BR>

I think the references would be GREAT! My ex always talked about his old girlfriend like she was some kind of psycho. After being with him for 8 yrs, I understand how any woman would be psycho afterward. LOL. <P>There are always two sides of the story. I'm not afraid of what my ex would say. If he bashes me, he looks like a jerk. If he says something nice, then it has more credibility coming from him. I've learned that there is nothing *I* can say about a past relationship that someone new will believe. Everyone makes up their own version of the truth anyway. <P>

Myself, hey its dinner and a movie or maybe a dance. Either way go out!<P>It's riduclous to sit here and analyze something you so obviously want to do.<P>Live your life and don't take things too seriously.<P>You said you dated others in the past since your divorce so what makes him so different.<P>Every stop to thnk that you've developed feelings for him? THAT is what scares you? The possibility that someone else could be in a position to come into your life where you left hurt enough to leave your marriage. <P>I read your previous posts and you don't seem like it was a stable marriage to begin with!<P>Not everyone is going to hurt you.<BR>Not everyone hits.<BR>Guys can actually be nonjudgemental.<BR>For any guy reading this post the opposite is true too!<P>You'll know what your comfortable with when the time comes, it won't even be a thought process. It'll just happen!<P>In the mean time enjoy!<BR>

DanaB<P>you are so funny! yes, i like her too!<P>tom

Thanks everyone for your opinions.<BR>We went out tonight and i'm happy to report.... it was very nice.<BR>Obviously an early night but none the less great!<P>I didn't feel bad i infact didn't want to end the evening as earlier as we did.<BR>But babysitters only stay for so long.<P>Besides i'm not in any hurry and neither is he.<BR>We're going out again this weekend. I'm pretty excited.<P>

Sigh. Where are the men in Nashville?