.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

You probably never will understand as you are not blinded by an addiction. I've never been addicted to an EMA but I am a recovering drunk with 10+ years in recovery. That's the only way I could relate to or try to understand what caused my STBXW's behavior.<P>If a person is still in the grips of an addiction, no matter what the addiction is, they generally only care about matters that affect them and their needs, wants, motives, etc. They tend to be terrible egocentric and appear to have no moral compass or concience. They turn a deaf ear when others point out their poor behavior. <P>It's possible that your H is doing one of two things. 1) He is realizing that his actions have tarnished HIS relationship with the kids. How it affects HIM personally. Or 2) He may be getting back the beginning of a concience and waking up out of the fog to the reality of badly he screwed up. It's the latter, he may be turning the corner be ready for the First Step in recovery. If it's the former, do not enable him to pacify his guilt. However, don't rub his nose in it either.<P>Within three months of my boys' mother leaving, she started to see how is adversely affected them. She sounded like she just caught on to the idea that the boys (aged 4.5 & 6 at the time) would be wounded or have trouble adjusting to the fact that their mother left them. I tried very hard not to chastise her but simple said, "Well, you really didn't think this would be easy for them did you"? She would answer with something like, "Well, no". <P>You didn't mention what your hopes are regarding reconciliation. In any event, I hope your H is seeing the destruction he has and/or is causing in the lives of everyone involved. No matter what happens, his ability to understand the reality of the mess his life has become is a requisite to healing. <P>Good luck and God Bless.

My STBXH has never acknowledged to me that his actions have adversely affected our 11 yo daughter. He did say that he knows that his actions have forever changed her life but he says "she is a very strong little girl". He moved out-of-state in January and we were supposed to follow in June but in March everything fell apart and we did not move. By the end of this month he will be married to his OW and they will be living together. Recently he said that he hopes that our daughter will eventually want to come live with them full time. In our settlement agreement I will have primary custody and he will have 20% visitation rights. I don't think he will ever admit to himself the damage that he has caused his daughter. It is easier for him to continue to live in his fantasy land.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

We (those who have endured the behavior of the adicted) tend to be enablers; meaning we allow the other person to perpetuate their behavior. We bail them out, save their necks, patch up whatever is broken, etc. We tend to naturally try to ease another person's pain, even the wayward spouse or STBX. Maybe that's just the way we are. By not pacifying his guilt I meant avoid making little comments like the kid(s) is a strong child, s/he will adjust, they'll be okay, kids are resiliant. Speak the plain truth. "S/he will natually suffer from this". "I am trying to get him/her in counseling to help him/her cope with this devestating event". "I'm confident that you do love him/her but as a mother/father it's my duty to pretect him/her from unneccessary pain and I fear that your abandonment of our child will really cause damage". There is a way to make your point, without being emotional in any way, that clearly lets the deserting parent know that they have and will cause irrevokable damage to the kid(s). We, as the parent with the integrity, must never do anything that could hurt the kids, especially speaking poorly (in an emotional way) of the deserting parent. <P>My boys are 6.5 and 5. I couldn't lie to them and finally had to tell them the truth. In a very matter of fact way, I explained that their mother left the family (not me, not them, the Family) to go live with OM. They asked why to which I answered, "I don't know and I can't understand why". They're smart, they figured it out and they know that their mother left them without me saying anything that was untrue, vengeful or the least bit emotional.<P>I understand your feeling of relief. Once I had given up the fight and let XW go, I filed for divorce and was actually excited about rebuilding my life. While very lonely sometimes, I have promised myself and my sons that I will not rush into any relationship. Any potential LT thing that leads to remarriage is a potential step mother to my boys and I take that very seriously.<P>As for me, I have full 100% custody. My STBX wanted one overnight visit per week which I was pretty much forced to concede. However, I worked it into our custody/visitation agreement that IF the boys are to spend the night, they must have their own room (she can't afford the larger apt.) I am not responsible for transportation (she has a revoked drivers license), and neither of us is allows to have an overnight guest of the opposite sex who is not related by blood or marriage (she's shacking up w/OM so he would have to leave the apt if they boys were to stay). <P>If you're the custodial parent, like I am, you are responsible 100% for your kid(s) from their school, food, clothes, home, manners, church, friends, the hair on their down to the bottom of their feet. Personally, I refused to be forced or coerced into allowing my boys to be exposed to a man with the morals of an alley cat. I told the mediator that my loathing for adultrous behavior and all the lies, etc that go with it does not stop with the OM. That I would forbid STBX to see the boys for the same reasons if I were not forced to acknowledge her "rights" as their birth mother. The court never said I had to go beyond the minimum to accommodate her rights.<P>Have peace knowing their is recovery at the end of the nightmare and be excited about your new life. It will be better, I assure you. God Bless.

HI<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited December 22, 2000).]