Dear friends -<P>Well, K said it best not too many weeks ago right here. I sound *manic* as in manic-depressive and I guess that would be an obvious explanation for my very erratic behaviour of late.<P>Today, with the sun glistening off the newly fallen snow (yeah, we got hit by a blizzard last night too), I had a moment of clarity. The relationship with IG must end--it must end because it is not a healthy relationship for me and, worst of all, I honestly believe it is effecting my son in a very negative way.<P>My son, 9, already has so many challenges in his life. He has significant Tourette Syndrome and a host of other related disorders. Despite all the challenges he faces, he is a terrific kid. Sharp as a tac and funny. But, he is a handful. IG is constantly clashing with my son...the situation seems to worsen with time, not get better.<P>At the moment, my son is experiencing a rather significant increase in symtoms--particularly in his anxiety disorders. Yes, Christmas is around the corner which always makes for worsening symptoms, but I really believe the relationship between he and IG is exacerbating things for him.<P>So today, I told IG our relationship is over. I wasn't hysterical, I didn't freak out, I simply stated that he had until after Christmas to vacate the house. After some talk he agreed. I know he thinks I'm bluffing, but I'm not. I know in my heart this relationship is wrong and now that I can see how seriously it is damaging my son, I won't stand for it.<P>On another front, I meet with my STBX tomorrow for a little powow about the kids. They miss their dad so much--I'm going to go ahead and ask him if there is any chance for a reconciliation, or at least if we can postpone the divorce.<P>Please send me your prayers and best wishes. I know the road ahead is a tough one, but I know it's one I have to take.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

Francis--<BR>It is good to hear from you. You have been in my thoughts a lot since your last post.<P>Please keep posting...let us offer whatever support we can, I know this cannot be easy.\<P>Big hugs...<P>Kathi

Thanks Kathi-<P>I will.<P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

Hi Francis:<P>I'm sorry to hear about your son. I truly believe that the best course of action for you is to get this IG out of the house, try to stabilize your family situation, and then reach out to your husband.<P>Yikes, that's a big list... <P>I'm keeping you in my prayers. Please do let us know how you're doing, when you have the time.<P>God bless.

Hi all-<P>Well, I met with my STBX the other day and after some talk about the children and how they were suffering etc. I asked him outright if we could postpone the divorce. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to end our marriage, if there were any feelings left at all.<P>He gave me a resounding *No*. He wants to speed up the process, is anxious to get on with his life with OW. He has no interest in reconciliation. At all.<P>He said he will try to be more active in the children's lives...but that our marriage was most definitely over.<P>He sounds to me like he's completely infatuated in his relationship with OW. I guess I asked for it.<P>That pretty much ends that...<P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

Francis,<P>Don't be too discouraged at your husband's reation. Is this the first time you asked him to rethink his decision? If yes, then I totally would expect that reaction from him. It sounds like you both may be a little confused. BUT at least you said what you feel deep down.<P>I think telling him is only the first step. People say all kinds of things in moments of weakness. Maybe, just maybe your husband does not believe you - maybe he thinks that once he dumps OW, you will change your mind again. Only time can prove both to him and to yourself that you truly have a desire to save your marriage.<P>Keep praying and whenever you get the chance, mention that you still would like to try again. Sure you are putting your self "out there" emotionally, but just saying the words may not be good enough - maybe your husband needs to see the actions behind your words before he can start trusting again.<P>Just my $.02<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

Francis,<P>You really didn't ask for advice so I am not really going to give you any. But let me ask you a few things.<P>1. Did you think your H would answer differently since IG is not out of the house?<P>2. Do you think your H has any confidence that you won't just find another man as you did with IG once the orginal OM was out of your life?<P>If you are serious about restoring your marriage, I would suspect that you need to demonstrate to your H that you can go awhile without acquiring another OM.<P>I am not trying to bash you here. What I would like to point out is that all is not lost. It will take time before there is even a chance to reconcile with your H. But the question remains do you want him back because you love him or do you want him back because it will make you feel better about the children?<P>I realize these are very hard questions. I also realize you have other issues to deal with, but it seems to me any chance of reconcilliation resides in your H developing some confidence in you and your feelings for him. (Nice long one paragraph sentence. Where is my editor. )<P>Do take care Francis and God Bless,<P>JL

You know what Francis my situation started out a little like yours. I had an affair, wanted to be with the OM and my ex filed for divorce. When I first told my ex about my affair the OM and I were not sure we would end up together (another story) and there was a time when I paniced at the thought of being a lone and going through a divorce. I was going to ask my ex to slow the divorce down and consider making it work for "the sake of the kids". My girlfriend asked me the same question JL asked you. Did I want to try and make it work because of the kids or because I loved him? Did I want to try because I was afraid of being alone? I thought long and hard about those questions and in the end I decided that I was thinking about asking him to work on our marriage for all of the wrong reasons. In the end I decided to NOT ask him. But, if you decide that you love your husband part of the reason he's fighting the urge to give it another go has to do with his ego, I would suspect. Also the fact that he doesn't want to give you another chance to hurt him. You'll have to live with that if he decides that he does want the divorce. If that happens all I can suggest is that the two of you work darn hard on co-parenting well together and focus on your children. Good luck to you.

Hi Mike, JL and BonnieSept -<P>You posed some tough questions...and questions I've been asking of myself.<P>First of all, one thing that I'm sure of is that I am no longer afraid of being alone. I couldn't say that several months ago, but now, there's no question that the thought of being without a partner doesn't bother me. I reached this conclusion after some tough times with IG. I figured I only had one shot at parenting my children, one shot at being their mom--that I would never have another daughter or son, but that men come a dime a dozen. With that perspective (and a lot of prayer) my fears of being alone vanished.<P>As far as wanting to reunite with my H because of the children, I'd have to admit that that is the primary reason. I know that doesn't make for a great or romantic union, but I profoundly recognize now that my kids need their family intact more than I need a soulmate. Wanting to reunite my family for the sake of our children is a pretty solid motivator, or at least a good start to rebuilding those feelings the two of us once shared.<P>I'm going to play the ever-loving wife here--I really don't mind putting myself out there even risking probable rejection. It sure beats not expressing to my STBX what's really in my heart.<P><P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

You sound great, Francis!<P>I think you are doing the right thing, and I am glad to hear you say you are no longer afraid of being alone. Fear of being alone is no reason to be with someone. As for playing the "ever-loving wife", you never know what will happen, and I admire you being brave enough to risk possible rejection.<P>Do take good care of your self & your kids, that is the biggest, best thing you can do.<P>Hugs and prayers--<P>Kathi