My husband of 8 years has decided in the last 5-6 weeks that he doesn't love me not sure if he ever loved me and want's a separation...or at least is waiting to see how he feels in the next few months to see if he want's a separation. My husband and I have gone through alot in the last 8 years ( my mother died 5 years ago after a 2 year fight with cancer, I almost died from internal complications, my husband (33yrs old) was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago and went through radiation and is healthy once again, we had a daughter now 3 and a son 9, we bought a beautiful new home before we found out about the cancer) so it's been hectic...we are financially comfortable and have so much going for the both of us. OUr biggest arguement has been intimate time together requested by me. And of course I get emotional about it when he plans and spends so much time with the kids - he should be father of the year. Lately he has become snippy - looks unhappy and is more selfish than normal. Of course he blames me and us and says he isn;t sure if this is what he wants.. he wants the kids but not sure about the marriage --he doesn;t care about anything but the kids according to him? <br>It is hard to believe that a year ago this man was facing is life and all the emotions he went through brought he and I so close we held on to each other all the time. He told strangers that he didn't realize what he had...even said he would remarry me in a church! ( First time court ) anyway it is all gone away. <p>We have been in counseling for 5 weeks and she has said not to do anything in the ambivelant stage he is in yet he isn't making any effort and has a wall up...so that I don't misinterpret anythign? I don't know what to do his behavior is odd not only with me but even the kids and others have noticed something wrong--early midlife crisis?? what ?? I don't know what to d....I am looking to try an go to one of the weekend seminars offered through this website..have any of you gone?? Do they really help to open your eyes? Part of me wants to let him go just so he realizes how much he has but I also realize in the state he is in it could push us farther apart? <br>Anyone with any advice please help I am at my wits end!!! <p>

I can't comment on the mid-life crisis aspect, but can tell you "I feel your pain" as far as his making the kids a higher priority than your relationship (if I understood you correctly)is concerned. As a stepmom who regularly plays "second fiddle" to my husband's daughters, I can relate to your hurt and frustration. It's hard to fault anyone for being a dedicated parent, but I contend that, especially in this child-centered society, children can be made TOO much the focus of a parent's time, identity, and affection. While children must always have their NEEDS met, when one devotes himself to them to the point that the marital relationship is neglected, I believe "overparenting" can be as detrimental to that union as workaholism or any other compulsion.

las:<p>If your husband has fallen out of love with you, you need to try to restore his 'love bank' balance. Identify and eliminate the lovebusters you direct towards him. Find out what his needs are, and try to make a plan to meet them.<p>From your story I first thought he was probably having an affair, but the stress of his life may be bringing on similar symptoms. I suggest that you learn about the Marriage Builders principles, get your counselor on board, and try to use some of these techniques to lessen the tension between the two of you. Use the policy of Joint Agreement; don't do anything unless you are in enthuasiastic agreement about it.<p>I'd suggest Give and Take as the first book I'd buy from this site. His Needs Her Needs would be #2, and Lovebusters #3. <p>Steve Harley has told me that the seminars offered by Family Dynamics have been highly regarded by the people who have attended them. Steve runs the telephone counseling here (he IS the counseling here): Marriage Builders aren't directly associated with Family Dynamics, so he has no reason to praise that group unfoundedly. If your husband would attend a seminar with you, that'd be great.<p>I wouldn't give up on your marriage yet, or think about separation. It's too early, and you have a lot of better options.

Las,<p>I would follow your couselors advice. Don't push him right now. It could be midlife or it could be that having gone through such a rough time he is re-evaluating his life. My advice (which is worth a grain or two of salt) would be to be consistent with him. Make it very clear what your needs are and try to meet his. Be kind, caring, understanding and give him the space that he needs to think this through. I know easier said than done. Show your love for him but don't smother him. Be patient and give him time. And vent your frustration here. We can take it and will always be here for you. <p>Steph

Thanks for your input....I do appreciate it. However everytime I try to tell him about my needs it doesn't go anywhere..he just doesn't care and I don't know how to deal with that. Being honest is one thing but if it is an uncertain honesty I think it's cruel. I left a message to go to one of the seminars hopefully the first one coming up in January 15th. I think I am hoping for a miracle in what I feel like is a hopeless state, I did read back where Steph said that the Policy of JOint agreement is tough if you don't both buy into it...plus how do you enter that especially when I feel that after reading all of this stuff he is in the state of Withdrawal that's a far way to have to come to in just 3 days or will that just push him over the edge? I love this time of year and it has been a total disaster and in the meantime i need to do and keep a good face on for the rest of my family that depends on me ! ? Happy New Year everyone! <br>L

las,<p>I haven't told my story here because it is so long and convoluted that it tires me out just thinking about writing it. But I was surprised to recognise myself in your husband's position. My H and I went through about 4 years of serious stress that included a major health problem for me. During that time, the problems that should have been addressed were left to fester. I thought we'd been coping with everything fairly well, but we'd really been suppressing a lot of stuff. It would have taken too much energy to deal with the problems at a time when all our energies were needed elsewhere. When the pressure was off, all the suppressed emotions (mostly anger and frustration) started rising to the surface.<br>I'm telling you this to suggest that some of the problems that arose while you two were going through that stressful period may be resurfacing again in your H especially if the problems are ongoing still. I'd look for things he's complained about but were never really resolved. Maybe he is feeling anger that he couldn't express at the time or that he simply pushed aside because there were more important issues (i.e., his own health). I'd look at my own behavior. Did you put extra, unnecessary pressure on him that he might resent now? That time of "decompression" as I call it was terribly distructive to our marriage. We did not seek professional help which was a big mistake. I started treating my H very much like your H is treating you. Eventually, not right away, I did ended up having an affair. I didn't need to get caught. I "confessed" to him as if the confession were a knife and I was stabbing him with it. I was very hurt by things he had done over time and I wanted to hurt him to an equal extent. The upshot is that under normal circumstances, we might have resolved each of our problems, one at a time, as they arose over the years. But like drops of water, instead of being blotted up and wiped away, the problems were stored in a bucket and at the end of the 4 years it overturned and just flooded us. There was a catalyst for my affair. He had decided to spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his parents when he knew I couldn't/wouldn't go. He took my daughter with him so I was alone. I have no family in the area. His inability to set boundaries with his parents and the extra stress it caused was one of the long-standing problems that we never resolved and came back to haunt us.<br>I am not saying that the exactly same thing would not have occurred eventually even if we weren't under so much stress for those years. Maybe it simply would have taken longer and been more civilized. No one can know those things for sure. What I am sure about is that it was the reason for the extreme nature of our destructive behaviors when we were trying to cope with the problems later.<br>Finally, you mention his lack of interest in your needs. My H did the same thing and couldn't understand why I didn't care. I had, literally at times, screamed my own needs at him to absolutely no avail. I had shouldered most of the responsibility and burden for our daily life during the hard times. I didn't want to, but I had to because my H simply refused. By the end of 4 years, I was drained and emotionally hurt. Once it was over, my H decided he had a whole new crop of needs that needed met. All I wanted to do was relax, lick my wounds and get strong again. There was nothing left in me to meet his or anyone elses needs. I understood by that time that I had married a weak person. O.K., that's my fault and I no longer expect strength from him. But I am not a fountain of endless energy either.<br>I've thought a lot about the whole "needs" concept since I started reading the information on this site. I think, though, that there are times that one person has a need and the other is simply incapable of fulfilling it. I don't think that it is necessarily fatal to a marriage but it needs to be recognized. If the need is #1 for a long time and the person who has that need draws on his own strength to compensate then he is going to need time recover once that need drops to #10 or even disappears. I had a need for my husband to shoulder more responsibility (help juggle the bills, manage money, administer the business, etc). . . he couldn't. Those are stressful sink or swim kinds of responsibilities and I was swimming for both of us (no kids at the time, thankfully). O.K., we managed to make it through. But after I didn't need his help anymore and things got back on track, I needed time to reenergize. I'm talking a year or more. I was totally drained. That unmet need was slowly sinking in importance and he was meeting the other needs, but I just didn't have the energy at the time to reciprocate. I think a lot of the anger and bitterness I felt about those 4 years would have faded or at least become manageable if he had just given me a little time. Instead, we went into a real downhill spiral.

Dear las:<br> I am in nearly the same boat as you (my husband of nine and a half years recently-two weeks ago- said that he hasn't had feelings for me for years. I was devastated. You can read more about this from me and others under the "Need Opinions" post here.<br> Without going into a lot of detail, i first want to say that you should have hope for your marriage, it sounds like you've been thru hell. One thing that has helped me tremendously (i have no family and few friends around where we live) is the concepts presented by Dr. Harley. Every time i log on, i search around more, and almost always learn about something that pertains to my situation. i have shared some things with my H (who has been living with friends for almost two weeks). This whole event has shattered my life and there are times when i feel like i'm just going to collapse, like i can't take another step. Fortunately, my H has agreed to go to counseling, although i'm fearful that his motivations are purely to appease me, so that he can later say "See? it didn't work, even after counseling". I hope he will be open-minded and stick with it for a while. it took YEARS for all of this to build up, i think it will take a lot of time to "fix" it.<br> Please know that people out here in the world do care about you, and keep us posted on what is happening.<br> Take care of yourself!