I have been married for 10 yrs... January 30 will be my 11 year anniversary. Over the last 2 years my husband had been drinking quite a bit. He is an alcoholic. His drinking has caused a great deal of trouble in our marriage. A lot of fighting, withdrawing from each other, it has caused us to say and do things that were hurtful, I felt unloved, he felt unloved. So on Labor day he made the decision to stop drinking. I was so happy but I was not sure how to deal with him. Well 3 weeks after that he moved out. He said he had some issues to work out and he had a lot of guilt and anger to deal with. He left on September 24th. He was coming by to see the kids and he would call every couple of days, and he admitted to driving by the house quite a bit. He is very confused and I can only imagine what it is like to depend on alcohol for so long and when you remove it from your life it has to be the scariest feeling in the world. Well he isolated himself from everyone and was talking with a friend of his from work who is also a recoverig alcoholic and a female and guess what now they are seeing each other. His desicion now is that there is no going back and he thinks we should het a divorce. I am not giving up that easy because I have agreat understanding of what role the alcoholism is playing in this matter. I have already made the decision to utilize technics to break down his walls. we have fought ofr so long, I am not going to stoop to that any longer. I am going to kill him with kindess, love and positivity. I feel with my chioce to do this he will eventually begin to trust me again and not feel hurt by me. I hope this will eventually break his walls down. I love this man with all my heart and fell strongly about what I am doing. He loved me enough to stay married all this time and I do believe I can make him realize this is worth fighting for. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated..<P>

P.S Since we are not together do you have any advice on how I can accomplish what I am trying to do?<P>Thanks

I highly suggest the bookes by harley.<BR>how to survive an affair.<BR>also, how to win your husband/wife back before it is to late.<P>But, take this oppertunity to examine your own life. use this for a wake up call, to put<BR>your self in order, in every aspect of your life.<BR>There is hope. You WILL survive this, and even be happy, in the end.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goochy:<BR><B>P.S Since we are not together do you have any advice on how I can accomplish what I am trying to do?<P>Thanks</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I went to the bookstore and do not see the book titled how to win your huband or wife back.. Help!! And thank you for your response..

Welcome <B>Goochy</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You must know you are not alone...<BR>...many spouses have alcohol partners...<BR>...and that just compounds other marital problems.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is the way to go!<BR>Check out my post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>For more on books... check out <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_BKS.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Jim, Thank you for the information. I do have a question though. If my husband is not in the home and is continuing with the affair. I know that plan A is what I am doing right now. I only see him when he picks up the kids which is only for maybe 5 mins at a time. When he drops them off he never comes in. I talk to him rarely on the phone, only when he calls for information or if I have to call him about the kids.<P>So I need to know what I am supposed to do to show my love? I have completely changed my behavior when he is around. I have learned to not show my anger to him or anger huim for that matter.<P>Is it ok to end the phone conversation with I Love you? Is it ok to send flowers along with an encouraging note? How do I get to him when there is no contact.<P>Another question is I believe his reason for leaving was panic from the anxiety when he stopped drinking, and the affair started after he left due to his need to replace and fill his voids. I know this is still an affair and the basis of the relationship is for all the wrong reasons, so is it still classified the same as if he was in the house at the time of the affair.<BR>He claims he made the decision to leave before he started the relationship. Is there a difference?<P>Thanks again I have a better understanding of the plan A thing. Actually I have to say I made that decision about a week ago, gives me hope to know I was on the right track and I am not that out of my mind... lol

Goochy----<BR>Since you are already aware of the 12 steps that AA meetings teach to recovering alcoholics, then I'm going to assume that you already know about the infamous "13th step"--- the affair.<P>I know it sounds horrible and destructive and crazy, but addicts of every ilk seem to need to connect with an "affairee" who's going through the same stages of withdrawal that THEY are<BR>enduring. It happens so often that AA people refer to it as the 13th Step.<P>It usually serves its purpose (I know this sounds "sick" to un-addicted people, but addicted people ARE sick, and the strange stages of "wellness" for them look like stages of sickness to<BR>us) and within a year ( may not be this long!), they part on "good terms."<P>You are in a prime position for Plan A to affect your husband in the best possible way....<P>Keep up the good work, and learn more about the steps to wellness through Al-Anon----- wishing all of you peace and hope this Christmas season......<BR>