I really thought I was past all this, but when ex came to pick up the kids for his weekend yesterday he was wearing a new wedding band. As soon as they left I cried and cried. I don't even know why. I have been feeling so much stronger lately. I've realized I have to move on with my life and I deserve to be happy, but boy did this let the wind out of my sails. I don't think the kids knew because they hadn't even hinted about it. This is so weird. I think they got married in secret because I'm pretty sure his mom and dad don't know either. This is so weird. I just don't know why I'm so upset by this. I know we're over, but we've only been divorced about 3 months. It just seems obscene to get married so soon. I haven't even dated yet. Oh, well, this IS the woman who broke up our home. I guess she wanted to make sure she really had him. Thanks for letting me rant.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I'm sorry this hurt you, but you know, its OK to greive. And take the time to work through your feelings. You will be alot better off in the long run than your H who can jump from one relationship to another.<P>And how proud he must be to not even be able to tell his kids or parents. I bet there will soon be a little LBing going on over that. LOL<P>Keep doing what is right for you, and I hope by the time their marriage breaks up you wont even care because you will be so happy with yourself and your life. Evil thought... well its hard to imagine we all wont feel just a little twinge of joy at the ending of their relationships... <BR>lora

I really know how you feel. My STBXH and his OW were going to be married two weeks after our divorce was supposed to be finalized but have now postponed it for a month because our divorce will not be finalized in time.<P>His OW did break up our marriage. I can empathize with you pain and hurt because I am feeling the same but I have had time to adjust to this because I knew several months ago that they were going to get married. She will not live with him - they have to be married.<P>I know this hurts but try to get past it. Their life together is not really a concern of your anymore even though it is hard to accept this. Just hope that your ex's new wife is nice to your kids even though this also is hard to hear.<P>I am trying to work on myself and my issues and make sure that if and when another relationship comes my way I will not fall into the same pattern that I did with my ex.<P>One funny thing about my ex, he said when he was justifying why we could no longer be together was that he felt he had lost control of his life. I heard from family that his OW/fiancee pretty much tells him when to sneeze. She is very direct and is "driving the boat" so to speak in their relationship. I can almost laugh about this now - he really is going to get what he deserves. Who knows maybe he will like being super-controlled like this - everyone said I gave my ex a very long leash and maybe this is not what he wanted. Anyway I figure that he and his OW will have a lot of issues to work out because their relationship so far has consisted of very limited time spent together - the longest was two weeks. After they are married, in about three months, they will enter reality and exit fantasy land. <P>What I am hoping for is that if their relationship works or falls apart will not make much difference in my life because I will have too much going on myself to care.<BR>Barrington patalp@hotmail.com

My W too... will marry the OM...<BR>...I have been trying to accept this...<BR>...with the help of all on this forum.<P>I'll pray for you too!<P> <P>Jim

Keri,<BR>Sorry to hear you are down about this. I guess you are joing the crowd here. My x married om, almost 10 months to the day od our divorce. She also got married on the weekend of our son's 10th birthday. She did tell the kids and I guess her parents ahead of time, but none of them were invited as she went to Fl to get married.<P>I look at it this way, so what if the get married. Marriage apparently doesn't mean that much to them anyway, look at what they did to the one they had with us!<P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob<P>Han

Keri,<BR> <BR>I really don't know what to say other than keep your head high. Your so much more of a woman than she will ever be.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Keri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

I wonder which one of them will be the FIRST to STRAY...Remember they have both proven they CAn do it and will to each other when "reality" sets in...Hum...Karma will bite them on the A$$...Just wait and see and go on with your life...<P>The GRASS is not always greener on the other side...MORE weeds just florish!!!

I'm sorry, Keri. <P>There is so little chance that the marriage will work out with these beginnings. I wonder what makes the WS think they can make a marriage work, when they know so little about what led them to cheat & break up their marriage. <P>There is no clean slate.<P>Wishing you the best life possible.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

I am sorry for the pain you feel...but - I know that if my husband was happy - I would take the high road and wish him all the best with his new wife - and he would do the same for me. <P>What if your spouse was truly happier with the OW or OM. Wouldn't you want them to be happy? It seems here sometimes betrayed spouses only want the worst and for their ex's and for them to fail for some reason - revenge maybe? <P>I know even though my soon to ex and I have failed - we don't wish the worst in our future lives - we both want each other to be happy and hopefully succeed in our future relationships - life is way to short and everyone deserves happiness. <P>I don't understand this part of the MB boards - when the betrayed/STBX's wish the worst and hope for failures. GOD - I hope for nothing but happiness for my STBX. We spent 19 years together - I don't hate him - we just didn't work. <P>Sorry for venting, but this is something that has bothered me about the conversations/comments here.

I know for a fact that my X OW wants to get married and get married soon. Even though X continues to tell me he still loves me and wants us to work on us I wouldn't put anything past him. He is so unpredictable now and lives for the moment. <BR>If he came over here with a wedding band on I would fall apart too. This is as much of a loss to you as a death and you deserve the right to grieve. <P>The rest are right though the marriage doesn't stand a chance in hell.<P>Jill

genesforme, <P>I do agree with you in wanting what is best for your X. I do to want my X to be happy. That was my goal for the past 17 yrs. If I knew he was happy with OW I would have a much easier time with letting him go. <P>I do feel that the others have a point though where it comes to Keridwen's X. Why is he keeping it such a secret? A marriage started in shame will be a hard one to keep happy.<P>Jill

genesforme,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>we just didn't work<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What the heck does that mean? You were together 19 years and THEN discovered you "just didn't work?" That sounds like the kind of thing a WS would say.<P>I would like my H to be happy - but the real happiness that comes from being responsible, taking care of those who depend on him, doing the "right thing." And I sure don't want our kids to grow up thinking that the road to happiness is to forget commitment, forget putting any effort into their relationships, just do whatever feels good, regardless of the impact it has on other people. <P>If my H had been a thief, I would wish him happiness, but not the kind of "happiness" that would come from being a successful thief; rather, I would wish him the happiness that would result from repenting and repaying those from whom he had stolen. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 17, 2000).]

Nevermind, I figured out why that sounded like something a WS would say - from your post on a thread about whether dating before divorce constituted cheating - <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just happen to meet someone, by chance, (although - I don't really believe in chance - I believe God brings people into our lives for a purpose) We are both cautious, but I feel like Jo - he is special, and I feel special when I am with him, and we just clicked.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As I said in another post, I believe that rational, unbiased assessment of the pre-affair state of the marriage is impossible as soon as there is someone else in the picture. Fog is fog, whether WS or BS.<BR>

I guess what's the most disturbing is that after 15 years of marriage he could jump into a new marriage so soon. Did I mean nothing? 4 months before his affair, he was calling me pet names, telling me how much he loved me, etc etc. He goes on an extended business trip and comes home a man I do not know. And I agree, if he has nothing to be ashamed of, why is he keeping it such a secret? It's not that I wish him unhappiness, it's just a bitter pill to swallow when it's with the woman who ruined our family. Surely, genesforme, even you can understand that. I loved this man, had 3 kids with him, travelled all over the country with him for his jobs. I was a good wife and did all the things I was supposed to. I am still puzzled by the whole thing. I still don't know why we split except for the OW. I can't help that my heart is broken. I'm just thankful I have had the weekend to cry and grieve while my kids weren't here. I don't know if his new marriage will work or not, but I guess I just have to accept it and move on, but dang-it it's so hard to do. I always know I can come here for some comfort, which is what I really wanted and needed. I don't know anybody else personally who has been through this, so you guys are my life-line when hard times strike. I guess with the holidays, I've just got the blues. Thanks for listening. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{KERI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm sorry to hear about the marriage. <P>I know it sounds a little wrong of me, but it always gets to me when the ex spouse marries the OP involved in the marraige.<P>I know I will be right behind you, just as we have gone thru lots of other things just about on the same time frame. <P>All I can say, is I'm sure I'll feel the same way you do right now , no matter how much I try to prepare for it. <P>You hang in there, and I'll be thinking of you,<P>Dana <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B><P>I look at it this way, so what if the get married. Marriage apparently doesn't mean that much to them anyway, look at what they did to the one they had with us!<P>Bob<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I am standing on my chair, applauding you, Bob...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>aaaahhhhhhhhhhh...........<P>(((((((((((Keri))))))))))))))<P>there is the TRUTH....<P>it's not as if marriage is a SACRED or MEANINGFUL thing to them anyway....at least not in the same ways it is for you.....<P>and besides.......maybe it's just a ring she bought him....do you know if they really ARE married?<P>and furthermore....is this a person you would want to share your life and you marriage with?????....<P><BR>blessed be, Keri......remember to find the peace and joy in Yule........<P>may she keep you well...<P><P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

First of all,<BR>((((((((((((((Keri)))))))))))))))))<P> Second, Ditto what Souloss said to Bob!!!! Amen!<P> Third, back to you Keri... boy can I relate! Although, xH did manage to wait 'til the hussy was pregnant with their second child. I kinda enjoyed the fact that he didn't marry her as soon as the D was final... their first child was a couple of months old by then.<P> But, when they did actually marry, I felt a little twinge. It was whatever little tie that I still felt for him, I suppose.<P> You have a right to feel slighted hon... just as you did when he first laid this crap on you. Personally, I'd be plotting a nice wedding gift... say a free investigation by a PI, to *her*... good about 15 years from now. Naaaaaaa... but it helps to try and look at this in a lighter way. <P> Keri, you tried. He didn't honor the vows the first time... so don't think he did the second time around, either.<P> I'll say a little prayer for you, Keri. Hold your chin up. You're a good person! If ya want, I'll go break his legs. Just kiddin'<P>Take care, Keri.<P> Sending happy thoughts your way<BR>~~Mynabird

Keri,<P>You've got to also remember- you are on a different "recover" time frame than him. The Leaver is miles ahead of the Leavee. I just attempted to explain this to my stbx for the trillionth time (by email). He cannot get it through his fogged up thick skull that for me - I am still married and in love with the man I thought I would stay with my whole life. For him, he checked out of our marriage emotionally lonnnggggg before he moved out physically - this is very typical of the Leaver. My husband doesn't understand that every date with his OW that I hear about is a knife right in my heart. He is angry and impatient for me to "let go" since he had alredy done so 8 or 9 months ago - even though we only separated in Sept. <P>Keri - I know it hurts like hell - but their relationship has NOTHING to do with you. Even though it feels like it, they really aren't thinking "hey, lets kiss because it might piss off my ex wife" - they kiss because they are only focusing on what they want in their fantasy fog - no one else. We former spouses are just so much clutter - and are never given as much thought as we give them. Rejection is most definitely a bitter pill to swallow EACH time it comes up in this process. And not having your feelings considered, is rejection.<P>I also agree with you about the secrecy thing - if there were no shame/guilt - it would not be a hidden thing. My husband still insists to his family and friends that OW is just a friend and that I am making things up. Apparently he doesn't think they have eyes or brains and doesn't think that they will figure out a longterm relationship when they see one. He's only been publically dating her since the week he moved out - duh!<P>Keep your chin up!<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

My H married his OW four months after our divorce was final. Nothing that is built upon lies and cheating deserves to succeed. Happiness that is taken at another person's expense is not honorable. If my H's marriage to OW breaks up and he marries someone else, I would be able to wish him the best. However, I cannot wish him happiness with the person that helped him destroy our marriage.

Keri,<P>I'm so sorry you're going through this.<BR>They will never ever understand.<BR>And you probably never will either. By that I mean that there will be no answers coming your way. The same as there are no answers coming my way. I too am puzzled about what happened to my marriage and my life. He has always said he "doesn't know"........<P>uh huh..... yep........ right...........<P>I know I personally am having trouble dealing with his new g/f, the 5th since we broke up. She seems to spend a lot of time with my children, which just about kills me.<BR>My mother gave me a "talking to" the other day, and maybe some of what she said finally got through. She said that I HAVE to accept someone else in his life. It is his life now. But God it hurts.<P>We need to make ourselves good. Hah, easier said than done. He has left me feeling like a bad wife, and now that I'm unhappy about this situation with g/f and my children, he makes me feel like a bad mother. (He's made me feel that I shouldn't call them because when I do he says I'm interfering and questioning him.!!)<P>But you know what, everything he puts my way, that I eventually deal with and get over, makes me a better stronger person. And it will you too. Luckily I have my fantastic mother, sister and best friend, who all tell me to deal with it and get over it.... in the nicest possible way of course. And they are right.<P>I do agree with genesform, I don't want him to be unhappy, because I want the best person for the father of my children. However, that doesn't stop me having my little "revenge and fantasy" attacks, as I call them. Revenge - she'll cheat on him...<BR>fantasy - she'll get pregnant with triplets who don't sleep, vomit constantly and cry all day. Let's see how he deals with those apples...........<P>Yep, I have my bitter and twisted moments, but I really try to keep them to the minimum. I try to focus on me, me, me, me.<BR>It's hard to do that as a mother isn't it, when we feel we should focus on everybody else but us. But I really want to learn and grow from this.<P>I have told myself that I will deal with this now, not in 2 or 5 years time. When I'm sad, I let myself be sad. But not for too long. No-one likes a misery guts, and sometimes I get so damn sick of myself.....<P>I'm glad you came here to vent. It's what we all need. We need to vent, and cry, and be angry. And we need all of us here to put things in perspective for us. I know that I personally have received a few kicks in the butt for my attitude. But they were right, and it was what I needed to hear. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think for one minute that you need a kick in the butt for your post. for god's sake, he just got re-married. But I also applaud Bob. What he said is so true. Unless these WS's have radically changed their thinking (which my ex-h hasn't) they will take the same attitudes, justifications and thoughts into their next relationships. They haven't worked on themselves, or on what being commited really means. This is their loss. I really think that my ex is in an emotional wasteland. As long as his g/f lets him talk about himself, doesn't rock the boat, doesn't give him anything to confront, then they will be VERY happy. But give him a problem, or an emotional issue, and he will run a million miles. Because he hasn't learnt anything from this. He thinks he is just fine, and that this ranting and raving of mine is just that. Ranting and raving.<P>They are all the same Keri. Yes your H has remarried, and yes it hurts. But he hasn't changed one bit. He will have the same level of commitment to her that unfortunately he had to you. At the end of the day, not much.<BR>And unless he learns how to have an open honest relationship, their marriage will go the same way. How in the heck can they be ready for re-marriage when they haven't dealt with this one.......<P>You need to work and focus on you. Focus on something that makes you happy. Have a goal to look forward to and work towards that. For me, I'm planning some sort of holiday with my children for the middle of next year. Don't know where, (or how for that matter!!!) but at least a holiday is something to look forward to. My little treat to myself. Make an appt. to have your hair done, or nails done. You deserve it. You are such a wonderful person, and one day, that knight in shining armour IS going to come along. Someone who values you, and your relationship. And you will be a whole, complete person, ready to accept what he has to offer. Because you have dealt with this honestly and openly.<P>That is what I tell myself too..............<P>have a lovely day, and a great Christmas. I'll be thinking of you.<P>love and hugs<P>Jo<P>ps when I find my shining knight, I just know he'll have a brother, and I'll send him your way........ <BR>xxxxx