how do i approach a teacher who thinks because she works with teachers that she is good with all subjects.<P>11 yo s came home with a book report that was not well written, did not answer questions, etc, that X helped him with. And I specifically asked to help with this one because she isn't very good at english, conceptual topics, etc. She decided to help him, and corrected maybe a couple of sentences, but that's about all.<P>And she was proud because she helped him, and it was a horrible report in that you couldn't read the words, etc. that is what started some of this weekend's frustration..<P>tom<P><BR>so how do i address someone who will take this personally? (trust me, she will.)<P>ALL SUGGESTIONS TAKEN SERIOUSLY!

I don't think you should make a big deal of it. This isn't his PhD thesis. It'll be years before he has to worry about passing the MCAS in order to graduate. If you want to work with him on grammar or paragraph construction, or whatever, do it as a completely separate activity. Don't try to second guess your wife on a paper that's already written. There is no way to do that without her taking it personally.

Nellie, i would like it to be that simple.<P>X works at one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country. and yes, i am an alumn, all the campus friends are going there, and the X insists he will have no problems getting in.<P>Well, due to this D both kids have changed quite a bit in their academic outlooks, and refused to study at all until I put my foot down with them and the X. now they study minimally, but if one does not keep tabs with them, they could care less.<P>Also, since the education would be at a huge discount, and since it is my belief that a good, solid education is one of the best present parent's can give their kids to get a good start in the very competitive world, I have expectations that they should take their learning seriously. <P>And prior to this, the teachers all gave them very high marks, grades and comments. Of course, X said that this D would not affect them in the least, and hasn't affected them much! <P><bs on that, and i told her that, and she has agreed only when it suits her, or when she is forced into a corner!><P>Oh, and I had a med check up for an infection, and the doctor i use is also the school doctor, and during the exam he asked me what was the situation, and so i told him.<BR>He rolled his eyes when i told him what she was doing now. Also, he had to refer her to a specialist because her body was rebelling against the abuse she has given it.<P>He said, you know, that place breeds real arrogance, i have been in meetings and it just is unbelievable. and teachers who have married outsiders, who don't work at the school, or are not stay at home types, have a high divorce rate.<P>Back to the original question, how do i approach her?

Tom,<BR>There is no way she will not take this personally. Why don't you try to get your son to rewrite with your imput and turning it back in to show the teacher he can do better. Then maybe your s will see that you are the one to help him with his homework.<P>My kids already know I am the one to come tom when they learn to drive. Then know their mother doesn't have the patience. She as much as told them that.

WIFTT,<P>I think your missing it somewhere along the line. A parent is supposed to help a child with their homework, not do it for them.<P>Heck, I'm an Mechanical Engineer and have what most folks would call a strong background in math. Did my kids always do well on their math homework? Not a chance. I could have "helped" them to straight "A" papers anytime, never did it.<P>What I did do was make certain an appropiate amount of time was set aside for study. Offered to explain any concepts they had trouble with and ASKED for my help, (or tell them to talk to their teacher), and looked over their homework for clarity and legibility on a regular basis.<P>Yes I seen their mistakes, and didn't correct it for them. Goes with the learning process.<P>I'm going to go out on a limb and offer some unsolicited advice. You need to back up, way back, and think about how you are handling things with your kids.<P>People tell me I tend to be blunt so please don't take offence. From your posts it looks to me like you are trying to remain "in control" of your childrens day to day life. And you are trying to prove to your W that you are still "in control".<P>You demonstrate this by not letting the kids use the phone to call their mom, you get angry at their mom when she chats on the phone to long, mom isn't smart enough to help with home work, you can't enforce the study habits you want, etc..<P>Do you see what I'm getting at here? Yes its easy to tell yourself your being a hard ankles for your childrens benefit, but who do you think believes that? Your kids? Not likely. The ex? Not a chance.<P>Regardless of your "motivation" you are positioning yourself as the hard ankles to your kids. What kid wants to spend time with someone that "lays down the law" everytime they see them? None that I've ever seen.<P>Like it or not, you are not the custodial parent. You don't get to make the rules, and trying to force them in to allowing you to do so, only destroys your relationship with them.<P>Your kids are going through the most traumatic thing that has ever happened in their young lives. They need two parents that love and cherish them, parents that can help them deal with everything. And most of all, parents that can put their problems, attitudes, anger, hurt feelings, and frustrations to the side and work together as parents.<P>I'll give you something to consider. The next few months will determine the type of relationship you will have with your children for a good many years. Really think about what you want that to be...

CG,<P>i can see where you would get that from, however, see if you agree:<P>1) The kids were not doing ANY homework, and were not getting passing grades UNTIL i put my foot down. X said she did not see it, and thanked me for showing her! (Hello! this can only coming from being aware of what the child is doing, not saying doing for him/her, but reviewing homework and papers. asking questions, etc.) BTW, X is too busy running around fixing many other people's problems, and that's how her family was also, minimal life skills taught at home.<P>2) The teachers today don't teach with lots of practice. they assign one big paper instead of lots of small ones. The paper my son submitted was very difficult to read, clarity and legibility is an issue, that only i seem to push. X says its ok because her mom's writing was illegible, and she is a teacher. Because she is used to her mom's handwriting, its ok to her. I can't read it very easily. She looked it over, and commented on a one stylistic grammatical mistake, yet the response did not answer the question. When I told him that, and in particular a certain sentence, he said "that's what Mom said it meant." So it helps to have them understand the problem.<P>3) I teach the concept, let the pupil figure the answer and the approach. The concept is to understand what is being asked by the question, and to help the kid think in the right direction. I do not do the homework for the kid.<P>4) I am not talking math here, black and white stuff, I am talking english and social studies, where the answers are very varied, require thought and with that, grammar.<P>Proper writing is not written how you speak. X knows that i am better academically than her all around. She also hated that about me, because she took it personally, and that made her feel stupid. her words. She told me when we were dating, that she hated smart people because they made her feel stupid. <RED FLAG> I should have listened, except i hadn't fully developed my education to realize how serious she was with low self esteem there.<P>So, do i just sit and watch a great kid ot two go down the tubes for because i should just coddle him and play with him, disney dad style? i can teach him how not to take work seriously, play all the time. I can ask, but never suggest improvements? is that what you suggest? one of the teacher he has is known to be "poor." that is ok to me because between the two of us, we can teach him what the school teacher makes difficult. example, when s was sick for a week, this teacher was the only one NOT to put her assignments for him where the school policy says she should. I had to tell the X our solution, she could only complain, and she implement my solution and everything worked out fine.<P>go out on a limb, but hey, CS is only for child support definitions, everything else is co-parenting.<P>And I only used this specifically once, and still no one answers me about what mom would talk with d for 30 minutes on the phone after being with her all week, and being just with me for 120 minutes? The X's response was that girls like to talk on the phone, and d needs to learn that.<P>You see, the X lives for kids, hates that they grow up, does not want them to grow up,<BR>hates me when I encourage them to do new things, (I pushed them, i can remember it was specifically at trying a new jumprope routine. she was pissed!) She always sides with the kids on discipline issues, so now we have kids that just yell at me when I tell them that a certain program is unacceptable in this house. (it was unacceptable until we split, now they could watch anything they want to.)<BR>and you can talk to others, i talked with cinderella, and she agreed how her kids started acting like the cartoons they saw on tv. which is about what they are doing now.<P>and you might not know, but we agreed on my two weeks vacation with the kids, her lawyer explained it to her, the mediator explained it to her. When I came to get them, she yelled at me, called me unfeeling, morally wrong, etc to take the kids away from her, in front of the kids, on and on. <P>so i guess you must have a different definition of loving them. mine is to set up structure to learn, like specific times, learn to respect, learn about cooperation, learn about respect, learn to work hard, but play hard. you can't play hard without hard work, unless you were born with a silver spoon in the mouth.<P>CG, i am defensive because i have seen her slime lots before. and she is really good at it. but step out on a limb, i welcome another point of view. i don't take it personally, in fact i might learn something, although what i want to know is <P>how you think i should love them?<P>BTW, s was a pill until i laid down the law that he gets no more choices for awhile, because all he does is complain, or twist my words around to get upset, even when I clearly lay out what i mean. not until i am extremely tough does he start to use the brain. example, he asked if we could do X. i said no, because of this reason (valid) and we had been discussing it.<BR> one minute later he asked if we could do X, <BR>I finally told him that I didn't appreciate him not listening, and it really irritates other people when they answer a question from him, and he repeats the question.<BR>5 minutes later he asks the same question, but his time, for the first time, says, "Oh, sorry, i need to think."<P>See, if you are brought up not to respect the answer, because if you harass long enough,you get your own way, you teach lack of respect for the word, "no."<P>so i am just in a bad mood from this weekend, all the way around. the legal agreement came, the gas company is digging up my front lawn for a gas leak, my car's electrical design is faulty, which results in not starting in damp weather, and I couldn't get to finish my shopping today.<P>WIFTT

WIFTTy - poor thing, you couldn't finish your shopping? LOL, I haven't started mine and I think I have the children 24/7 until noon Christmas Day. Except for when I am at work. Sorry 'bout your car though. Catch a cab to the airport, I'll meet you, we'll finish your shopping then(maybe that way I'll get some of mine done) and I'll take you back to the airport.

Sounds as if the household differences your children face are similar to the differences my step-children face. I’m sure its difficult for the kids to live under two distinctly different set of rules. Our kids’ mother prefers to be more of a friend, H and I are more responsible in our approach to parenting. I would appreciate knowing the resolution to this problem if you find one. <BR> <BR>Most recent experiences when I couldn’t imagine what the kids’ mother was thinking:<P>Two weeks ago...the temperature was 40 F. I ran into the kids and their mother at the grocery. Step-Son was wearing shorts, short-sleeve shirt and sandles.<P>Last week 9 yo SS brought home homework and asked for help because his mother wasn’t able to help him with it. So I start looking at it while he was working on another project. The homework was logic related and it seemed too advanced for his grade. Some of the answers already filled in were wrong. I made a comment to SS about its difficulty. SS looked at the paper and didn’t know anything about it. It turns out the paper was an excess form originally used in a higher grade and was being used as scratch paper...SS was using the back side to outline his book report. What did this reveal? His mother was doing what she thought was his homework!<P>AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH !!!!!!<P>About the homework...we check each and every paper that goes out of our house. We do not let the kids out with incorrect homework. We do not, however, do the homework for them. We point out mistakes in various ways, such as: “there is a problem with one of the answers on this line” Then it is up to them to find and fix the problem. When it appears there was a problem with them paying attention to what they were doing, we spend enough time re-doing they begin to wish they had done it right the first time. It will sink in some day!<P>Peace, LLL<BR>

LLL.<P>that is about the way I deal with it, although X and her family are MINIMALISTS.<P>They do it once, and if it is wrong, so be it. and so son complains if he has to do anything more than once. Unfortunately, he will learn the hard way someday, and i bet it will be in one year or two, 1) if he is rejected, or 2) when he is accepted and it is hard as crap!<P>You know, i kept bringing up to X how we need to get him to a private school, and she kept shutting me down. Now she is saying that he needs to get out of their fast!<P>POINT BEING: 1) she hated to agree to me and would disagree on principle; 2) she can't figure out the future very easily or well.<BR>(known problem) has trouble packing for trips is a simple example. <P>stems from a competitive relationship model, similar to her parents, where my FIL dumbed himself down so that the MIL would feel smart, controlling, whatever.<P>sorry, i played that game for the first 5 years of the marriage, when life was easy, and the relationship worked. never again.<P>WIFTT

WIFTT,<P>My first thought after reading your post was to wonder if there is anything that you think your wife is better at that you. <P>There is not just one correct parenting style. Different methods work for different parents and for different children. I suspect that you would think my parenting style is not strict enough, but my children seemed to have turned out just fine. Even in the midst of this separation and divorce, my oldest is doing very well at a highly competitive college, and child #2 has almost a 4.0 average, and is on a large academic scholarship, after starting college at 16.

My question is have you spoken to the children's teachers to get a perspective on what's going on in the classroom? If he is getting his homework done and corectly and how well he is doing?<P>I have custody of my children and when my ex comes to visit, he sees the teachers and I show him all their work. He always invariable has things that he says they need to do. This one needs to do that that one needs to do this.<P>To be honest. After I work eight hours, sometimes I do not take a close look at their work, especially my second grader who knows the system. My kingergardener is another story. I have to force him to do his. Work that should take him five minutes takes thirty or forty five depending on his mood and how many times I stand him in the corner for goofing off. He does not have homework everyday (thank God) This is something that my ex does not see. <P>In fact there was one day last week when I forgot to even look in backpacks.<P>My suggestion would be a good communication with the school. Maybe you could talk to the teacher (provided he/she is not a colleague of your wife) and explain the situation to them and see if they could call a joint meeting and together you, your ex, and the teacher can come up with something that both you and she can agree with.<P>Sorry that I rambled just some thoughts.<BR>Terentia

Yes, WE went to both PT conferences. They said he was a fine student. However, as studies get harder, there is more to learn, and with one report versus slot of reports to practice, it becomes more important to check work and review. What he got a major markdown on, he didn't have any clue as to why. so i explained it to him. he got it afterwards, but will he remember is as a type of writing style, or will he continue to write as he speaks. he has to practice it.<P>Nellie,<P>there isn't anything she does better. <P>I have guest lectured in her classrooms,<BR>on one of her advanced math modeling courses.<P>yes, there are a couple, she can cook better, because I choose not to. she can emt better, because i am not one. sorry to appear arrogant, but we are not even close to equal, but she will never agree to that either.<P>why do you think she is dating an intellectual step or two down? i made her feel insecure by talking with her. sorry,<BR>just like my IL's they talk about weather, traffic, and students. anything else if i disagree with, they shut down or just ask questions, no debate, no deep thoughts.<P>FIL said he had big emotional problems with mother, but never went to counseling, although admitted that he should have. He shose to wait it out until she passed away.<P>Had a terrible relationship with his mother. They would go to family gatherings and ignore each other. strained conversation.<P>this all happened after i got my MBA, and started working with real people, in the real world, where they are not. everyone i explain to agrees that they are not in the real world at all. that world suits her fine.<P>tom

Yes, i am frustrated, and this is the best place to take them out so i don't take them out other places. sorry for sounding arrogant, but i just had three very frustrating days, and it started with the X, and didn't stop with several events beyond my control. and of course this is the time of year for families and giving and remembering others.<P>as a very good friend of mine pointed out to me, i don't like to lose, and having the legal agreement come the weekend before Christmas didn't help. and I won't look at it until after the holidays. so that didn't help.<P>and the kids were very ornery, and that didn't help, and the car was very ornery, and that didn't help, and i was tired from staying up late to finish a project for a colleague so he can get his year end bonus and that didn't help.<P>so i am taking tonight off, and now the furnace isn't working, so that doesn't help.<P>and i know, it doesn't stop, so i have to stop.<P>one last gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!<P>tom<BR>