First let me tell you guys, I talked to my stbx today again. He called because an old friend contacted him wanting to know if she could have my number. (She and I had a dispute a few years back and since haven't talked.) I told him yeah and we went on to talk about my d, Tamia. She's feeling a little better, but still doesn't have much of an appetite(so unusual for her). <P>ANyways, while we were on the phone, I had an incoming call. I told him to hold being that I'm staying at my sisters for the holidays. And on the other line was my father. SOme of you know I haven't seen him since elementary school. He and my mom divorced when I was 5 (he became a drug user and also verbally and phsycially abusive, thank God my mom had the strength to leave)and I didn't see him again until I was 11. He stayed for about a week and then I never saw him again.<P>But anyways he recently moved back to Fl and has made contact my sister, and attempted to see me in NC, but I've been quite bitter and really haven't given him much of a chance.<P>Well, anyways, I told my father that I would call him back. And went back to talking to my stbx. He knows how I feel about this and for the first time in I don't know how long, my stbx, showed me compassion and sensitivity. He told me to that I needed to see him(father) and to face my fears. To yell at him if I needed to, but to tell him exactly how I felt, because he(stbx) feels that I do want to reconciliate. But if I didn't want to it was okay to, but to still go see him. He said to be totally honest and so that the weight would be lifted off my chest. And in away he's right. I just don't know what I want from my father after all this time. <P>But I'll make this short. I just can't believe my stbx actually told me to call him when I got back and let him know how it went. I was so shocked. He actaully sounded like the man I married. But anyways, he still has contact with OW, (though vaery minimum since he moved to his new duty station, but still contact is contact) so my secret inner hopes of reconciliation are still down the drain. But I guess this was at least a sign that we can be civil in this upcoming divorce. <P>I would love to call him, but since I'm just returning from seeing father it's way too late. But the visit went ok. My sister went with me. My father had gifts for my stbx(shows how much he knows about my life), my children, and me. He said that he wasn't trying to buy my love or trying ot force me into anything, but that he really just wanted toget things to the way they should of been. He said that he was sorry for not being apart of our lives. I told him that I needed time and that I just couldn't rush into this. I can't believe that I actually feel guilty for feeling this way, but he just looked so hurt, but so am I. I know I love my father, but I'm so angry and resentful.<P>I guess that's why wen I see how my stbx puts forth the effort to keep in touch (and help me financially) with the children, it makes me love him more than I already do.<P>Oh well, you guys, that's what going on with me...ONE MORE DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited December 23, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

I have one question Jamie, how has your Dad delt with his drug abuse or addiction?<P>I like what your STBX said about walking through fears...It is difficult and often painful, but the growth we get from it is amazing...<P>Hang in there dear and just see what developes...keep those expectations low and you will be just fine.<P>Love ya,<P>Bill

Jamie,<P>If your dad has truely changed thats wonderful..take time and learn to trust<BR>him..it won't be easy because of the past<BR>hurts he's left you with..but maybe as an<BR>adult you can have a new relationship with <BR>him and your kids can have a grandfather..<P>And if he's changed and not doing the drugs <BR>and such anymore..he can teach your kids what<BR>drugs can really do to a person and how they<BR>can ruin one's life..

Trying to move on,<P>No you're not being too pushy. I know deep down I do want to mend the relationship, but I have alot of bitterness and anger I am trying to work out in myself. I'm usually not one to hold a grudge, but this wound never healed so I got to take it one day at a time, so I can get to the point where it no longer hurts, you know...<P>Bill,<BR>Well my dad is supposedly going to drug/alcohol abuse counselling three times a week and he's holding his first legitimate job since the mid 80's. He's also just started to pay child support for his other daughter, (my half sister) which is something he never did for us, but I'm happy he's trying to do for her. I don't expect him to repay (monetarily SP?) anything... I just want to make sure this is genuine and that he's not going to just up and leave again.<P>Thorned Rose,<BR>You are right. My dad has done a lot of wrong in his life and is fortunate that he is not behind bars. I do believe that IF he has truly changed, that his life can be a testimony to others.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com