As many of you know, I started dating after I got divorced and now I'm starting to understand the reasons for waiting to date while I figure out things on my own.<P>So, for those waiting to date, what do you all do with your free time?<P>I need some suggestions!

Hi 711,<P>I read, ride my bike whenever I get the chance, hang out with my son, clean house , hang out on this forum, basically anything to pass the time.<P>If anyone else has any other ideas, I'd love some too <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I do life.<P>All the little things that need to be done. <P>Go to work.<BR>Call friends.<BR>Clean the house.<BR>Buy groceries.<BR>Do the laundry.<BR>Get my hair cut.<BR>Go to my children's events.<BR>Pay the bills.<BR>Drink a glass of wine while I soak in a bubble bath (this is a must).<P>Not very fun you say? Not so.......each one is an event of life and I'm going to enjoy each of the moments of solitude just as much as I enjoy going out on a date, or being with friends or my kids. <P>Boy, have my views on the world changed. There is a line in a song that says (but I don't remember who sings it.....), "We've got two lives; one we're given, and the other one we make." It's really true, so live your life in the best way you can.<BR> <P>

At first, the hardest times were on nights and weekends. I never was a "party" girl, so not having someone to go out with was never a biggie for me. I usually have a friend to go do something with at least two weekend days a month. Try to keep the TV off. It usually depresses me, and at the end of the day it is even more depressing to see how I've wasted my day. I took classes to play the guitar, got two dogs, do volunteer work, gardening, and occasionally some sewing. Once every few months I'll have a get together at my house. It is usually a small event (less than 20 people) but it makes me feel like I have a life. The week prior to X-mas me and a few of my friends got together. We drank mulled wine, roasted chestnuts in my fireplace, listened to X-mas music. Pretty laid-back.<P>Doing volunteer work is very rewarding. I live in a big city so there is always something different to contribute towards. I did reading tutoring for awhile and also at the botanical gardens once a week. Playing with my dogs takes up alot of my free time. Kinda like my children, for now. Both of them are very active. I taught one of them (the border collie mix) to play frisbee. <P>

I spend time with my daughter.<P>I work on my new career which I totally love.<P>I'm learning to appreciate the things in life I was missing.<P>I do whatever the hell I want to without having to justify it.<P>I do get lonely from time to time. I do miss being married (seperated, divorce in progress). I miss have the apartment being filled most of the time.<P>

Wish I was.<P>It's been long enough. I'm ready. Just have a severe lack of exposure to suitable men.

Thanks everyone. <P>Today I went to see the Grinch with my two girls and we went for hot chocolate afterwards. We had a nice time. I never have a problem being lonely when my children are around. <P>It's the nights and weekends when they are with their father that it is the hardest. You go from all the hustle and bustle of taking care of kids to total silence. That's when it is the hardest for me. I was with my x for 18 years (straight out of college) so I really have never been on my own. It is an adjustment. I do like being able to play my favorites cds and reading books by the fire but after awhile I get bored with this. So, then I usually go for a walk and run some errands. <P>Most of my friends are married and my x has kind of taken them over as his own. I do have a single sister here in town and we do lots of things together and do have a good time. But she is out of town this weekend so I am truly on my own. I know I should take advantage of this time alone to think, relax, etc but it's going to be a long weekend. The kids will be with their Dad tomorrow through Wednesday so I'm trying to get prepared for this time alone.<P>I know this sounds pathetic. But, sometimes I have to throw a little pity party for me. I'm glad you could join me and thanks for all the suggestions.

I joined Parents without Partners and where I live there are over 400 members. They have a lot of activities that you can do without your kids. My problems is that I have my daughter most of the time so I don't like to leave her at home with a babysitter while I go out to socialize. However this summer she will be with her dad and her new stepmom for 7 weeks so I will be able to take advantage of a lot of their outings.<BR>

711 - I agree 1000%<P>Barrington - where did you find them. I'm too far past the d, I think for DivorceCare. My church doesn't have a single group. Don't know of any groups in my city - but that's my fault. Got a new year coming up, maybe I can take better care of my social needs. <P>

I'm interested in Parents without Partners too! I think I will go check out the web and see if I find anything.<P>Cinderella: Are you still dating or taking a break?

Cinderella:<P>Parents without Partners has a website. Go to <A HREF="http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org." TARGET=_blank>www.parentswithoutpartners.org.</A> <P>I found some in my city but they are not really close to my home. But, I'm going to call and check it out anyway.

He cut it off. The dating, that is. Too much guilt. To much chemistry. Easier not to see me than to deal with how he felt when he did. <P>Oh, well. I don't think he could afford me. I'm not a real high maintenance woman but he seemed to think he had no money. I got tired of going to buy one get one free dinners every week. You know, your choice of where we ate was determined by who was in his coupon book. <P>But, boy was he smart, witty, and good with.... <P>But talking about that makes me want to go out again, so I'm gonna have to find a new thread. <P>BTW, on the EN board, they have a thread going about do you moan, scream, or what when you're making whoopee. Sigh. <P>You know, we didn't do it often enough and not for long enough [it's no fun being married to someone who is sexually anorexic ]. But at least occaisionally I did get some guilt-free sex. <P>Thanks for the link. How do I save those things? Is there any way? I checked it out and, according to their records, the closest chapter is 2 hours away. I know I've seen something locally about that group<P>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited December 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited December 30, 2000).]

711,<BR>I lived on my own for quite awhile before meeting my second ex. I never even had a roommate until he and I were separated and wouldn't have except that student life in the big city is pretty expensive.<P>After the divorce, I realized that I had spent absolutely all of my time trying to save my marriage and NONE cultivating new friendships. Unlike my ex. My ex spent our so-called reconciliation time building up his friendships, not working on our marriage. <P>It took about a year before the dust settled and I formed some stable friendships nearby. My other good friends live pretty far away. Be patient. It takes awhile to get your life started again. You'll have to get used to living in your own skin, probably alone, for awhile, but you can do it.

well, I'm not at the dating stage, but if I were...........today I'd be shovelling snow!

711,<BR>I can relate to your problem. I am okay when I have the kids, but when they are at their mothers, especially the weekends I don't know what to do with myself.<P>I still don;t have any single male friends and most of my other friends are married family men. I haven't been invited anywhere as a third wheel either.<P>I guess thats why I am dating. I work out of my home and travel in a limited area, so I am by myself a good portion of the week. So I tend to hang out at a few of the favorite local watering holes, more just for the atmosphere than any thing else. I know enough people that there is usually someone there I know.<P>None of the church singles groups seem to do things on the weekends but only during the week. I have more than enough to do during the week. <P>As for Parents Without Partners, I have heard from several people that it is a meat market. Maybe it just the local chapter, I don't know.<P>As for staying home, I don't watch much TV since the separation in July 99. I can't stand seeing family things or stories about affairs, etc. Those hurt too much.<P>I've noticed my son quits watching shows that show divorced parents getting back together and turns the station quickly if he sees something on TV that shows someone having an affair.<P>I haven't figured out the solution yet either.<BR>

I guess that I've been pretty lucky to not mind my own company. I don't feel a need to always be doing something.....although I do keep busy. Maybe I've just had a lot more practice at it since my X's affair continued on again and off again for 4 years. <P>It does get easier. Student is correct about it taking a while to be comfortable in your own skin...but you can get there. Sometimes I think we need to allow ourselves the luxury of doing nothing.......the things you feel you must get done right now will still be there waiting for you if you don't do them until tomorrow. I'm not talking about being slovenly, or neglectful - but, come on, we sometimes try to get too much done in too short a period because it is what has become expected. Every morning I sit on my deck to watch the sun rise (well, when I can see it through the clouds anyway) just because I can - and it's beautiful - and it fills me with awe each day and I can carry that with me. I'm learning to live in the moments because they never really disappear into the past - I carry them with me into the future.<P>Happy New Year to everyone!! <P>Claire

Thanks everyone for the further support.<P>RWD: Sounds like we are in the same place. If Parents Without Partners is like a meat market than I will stay clear of that. My divorce support group turned out like that. I was asked out by 4 men in that group. I did date someone from the group but it really was too early for both of us. We had a great time together but issues starting coming up that I realized needed to be dealt with so we have broken up.<P>The Student: Thanks for all your advice and not saying "I told you so". You were the first to give me advice when I started thinking about dating back in June and here I am now trying to figure out what to do while not dating. Can you explain to me again what I can expect to gain from this time alone? I need to be continually convinced of the payoff of this lonely time. I mean alone time. <P>Claire:<P>I loved what you wrote. I love taking walks in the early morning. If it wasn't so cold out right now, I would be walking to my heart's content.<P>Stonehouse: Thanks for the laugh. At least it's not that cold here in Atlanta.<P>I did adopt a 5 month old kitten today. She is so cute and identical to my older cat who seems lonely now that I no longer have my dog since the divorce. I've always loved cats, so I treated myself and my cat to a new friend. That should help me through the next few days.<P>Hope everyone has a Happy New Year.<P>Jennifer<BR>

711,<BR>I'm afraid my incentives for being alone are different than yours. I had my affair when my (now ex) and I were living in different states when I started going to school here. At that time, I had no friends or family and starting school was very stressful. I believe a huge contributor to me succumbing to an affair was not successfully coping with my loneliness at that time. Furthermore, I also feel I put up with my ex's post-confession abuse because of my fear of being divorced (i.e. alone). <P>Sooo, long story short, I am forcing myself to be "alone" now. I'm forcing myself to work on building all kinds of non-intimate relationships and coming up with creative ways to share with those around me. I'm convinced there will be other periods in my life where I will be challenged by feelings of loneliness and I will need better coping skills. Call it a "trial-by-fire". Even now, there are still mornings when I wake up crying when I remember how wonderful it used to be waking up with my ex. This is just what I have to do right now, for lots of reasons.<P>The fact that you don't know what to do when you are not involved in an intimate relationship indicates to me that this time could be a good exercise for you. It will be a challenge. One thing you will need to resist is the idea that somehow you are less of a person when you are not dating or romantically involved with someone. You have discovered that dating again and having feelings for someone new does not mean you have healed, and that is perfectly ok. <P>OHHHH. I just remembered. You live in Atlanta!! Girl, there are tons of things to do here if you don't want to date for awhile. <BR>Wintertime:<BR>1) ice skate at Centennial Park<BR>2) Volunteer to usher at the Alliance Theatre or the Fox Theatre. You get to see the shows for free that way <P>The rest of the year:<BR>1) Bicycling club meets at 10:00 am at the Ansley Mall on Sunday<BR>2) Running club meets at 7:00 pm in Virginia HIghlands on Thursday evenings<BR>3) take classes at "Evening at Emory", "Callenwolde", or the "Options" classes at Georgia Tech. That is where I took my guitar lessons. They have ceramics, photography, dancing, yoga, massage (yay!!)....<P>This is a GREAT time to learn a hobby you've always been curious about, sleep in, meditate, read...<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 01, 2001).]

The Student:<P>My sister has been wanting to go ice skating in Centennial Park. We are planning on doing that soon. Thanks for the other suggestions as well.<P>Luckily for me, my sister has never been married so she always has something up her sleeve for us to do. She usually has to drag me out of the house but I always have fun once she does get me away.<P>She didn't like me dating because she knew that I wasn't happy on my own so she is really trying to help me during this time.<P>Thank God for sisters. <P>Jen

Jen,<BR>Could I get your email address? You said we have some things in common, which we do, and I wanted to discuss if you are up for it.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Bob<P>ps,<BR>mine is bob.davis@ocas.com