<BR> Hey folks,<BR> First of all Happy New Year to all , I wish all of my disfunctional friends the best for 2001.<BR> Here's my current dilema , my STBX is very , very , irrational now . She goes from hating me to the point of slamming down the phone on me anytime I call , to welcoming me into the home for coffee. She is truly freaked out about me knowing all of the details of her EA , and fears ( I think ) that I am going to blab to everyone about it. I have no intention of letting anyone know , but I do label her behavior for what it is. ( suspect at best ) Any conversation we have is at best tense , and results in her attacking me and my character. I have Plan A'd for a while but now I am just going to Plan B big time.<BR> She says she wants a dissolution , and wants to stay in our house , she can't afford it and it looks like we will have to sell our home. My dilema is , should I have my lawyer add in a 2 month cool down period in the agreement to allow her to change her mind if needed , or just let her continue to steer this thing. She says that there is no chance , no way that she ever would want to get back together , even telling me she hates me and wishes I were dead....She is so , so friggin angry. And I hope she would at least look at the advice given to me by both my preist and therapist , and that is never make a desicion while angry.....I'm rambling , a little sick and pretty down this morning. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that this is truly over , but I'll get by . It's her loss...

Hi Gary,<P>happy new year to you too. And all of us. It has to get better, right????????<P>I don't know your story, so I hope I don't say anything out of turn. <P>First of all, from all that I have learnt here, anger is part of their process too. No matter how irrational. I mean, this has all happened because of her actions, just as it was my ex-h's choice/action too. For some reason, they all get angry. And angry at US. Bizarre, I will never understand it. From what everyone says, it is part of their way of dealing with what they have done. They can't or won't accept responsibility (at this early stage) for their actions and choices, so they get mad at us.<P>Plan B may be right for you at this point in time. I know the times I tried it - I didn't do very well - it did help. It gave me a bit of respite. Maybe this is what you need also.<P>And if I can just say one thing, that I have learnt from painful experience. Don't try and push them into making a decision. I did that, and all I did was succeed in pushing him even further away. Because he wasn't ready to make a decision. I should have just left him alone.<BR>Maybe this is what your wife needs. Plan B will do that. Do you have children? One of the reasons I couldn't do Plan B effectively was because we share 2 gorgeous children.<P>A cooling down period sounds perfect. That coupled with Plan B could be what you both need.<P>I'll be thinking of you. Hope it works out the way you want it.<P>Bonnet

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gary:<BR><B> She says she wants a dissolution , and wants to stay in our house , she can't afford it and it looks like we will have to sell our home. My dilema is , should I have my lawyer add in a 2 month cool down period in the agreement to allow her to change her mind if needed , or just let her continue to steer this thing.<P>It's her loss...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That last is a sign of hubris that's hurting your chances for a reconcilition.<P>If you're doing OK in in-person meetings, have your attorneys arrange them, and stay off the phone. Your faces are adding something to your interactions that your voices alone lack. Others have a different problem, and need to stay away from each other and on the phone for a while. <P>I would talk to your attorney about what you can do to maximize your chances of reconciliation. One thing I see is that she wants something you think she can't have. One thing that can change her mind about you is something heroic. The lousy husband she thinks she has would put her out of her house the minute he could. Her hero would find a way to keep her in the house as long as possible no matter what she did to him. It's all "what have you done for me lately?" So if the plan your attorney presents includes that feature, it might change her feelings about you.<P>It might help if you told us how she attacks your character ... which insults does she use?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gary:<BR><B>My dilema is , should I have my lawyer add in a 2 month cool down period in the agreement to allow her to change her mind if needed , or just let her continue to steer this thing. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Gary,<P>An incompetent lawyer can delay your case for months. A competent lawyer can delay it even longer.<P>I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but your posts seem to reflect that you see yourself very much in the drivers seat and you are very much trying to control the results. If you doubt that, read your own post.<P>You are paying this lawyer good money to represent your best interests. When everything else has been tried and all else has failed, would you consider following the lawyer's advice? If you have an experienced divorce lawyer, he already knows what to do. The really good lawyers aren't influenced by the anger and manipulations of their own clients, much less by the nonsense of the respondents. I'd recommend you let the lawyer do what you are paying him to do.<P>Bumper<P><BR>