Background: We agreed to split orthodontia bills, after insurance reimbursement.<P>Well, dropped the kids off at X's house, and also dropped off to her an insurance check made out to me, policy holder, for orthodontia, $600.<P>X starts to ask in a snotty tone, "What's this for?" Now I had told her i was getting a big reimbursement check, told her what I had to do to go through it. she had asked me to. She has also seen all the other reimbursement checks like that one, and has deposited them.<P>So I said, "Its for the orthodontia, and we have hit the limit for reimbursement." Then she says, "What should I do with this?" I said, "I don't care, you can cash it or give it back to me." Then she looks at the ceiling and says, "You owe me $1,020, less this, totalling half remaining." Still, no thank you.<P>Now my question is, does one just accept a figure the X throws at you, and says you need to pay X, or do you ask for support, such as cancelled checks, bills, etc.? Being in finance, and dealing with lots of accounting and marketing blowhards, i don't usually trust made up numbers.<P>But, what do other people do? Just accept large figures, or want to sit down and just review and confirm the situation?<P>tom

Simply state that you will happily pay for your half provided that support (bills, cancelled checks, and such) is provided. IMHO, your shared parenting partnership is a business partnership and both sides must conduct themselves accordingly. Stop her crap now or she will keep at it. She is excercising her perceived power. Simply be firm and businesslike. When she wants to get paid, she will produce the documents. Is there something in your divorce papers about this? I'm in the process of a divorce and I have it stipulated in the agreement.<P>

WIFTT,<P>"or do you ask for support, such as cancelled checks, bills, etc.?"<P>That's what you do! Just like any other business deal. Keeps it fair and square plus gives you the backup you need.<P>Ragamuffin

It would be nice to be thanked, but from her point of view you were only doing a part of your duty. Once you've timely done your duty, a thank-you would be courteous, but is not strictly necessary. If it's not timely, fuhgeddaboudit. If you go beyond your duty, a thank-you is definitely in order.<P>You're continuing patterns that caused anger and pain in your marriage. This is a time to see what lessons you can learn, not teach her a lesson. One lesson is that when anyone produces a figure, they're likely to resent any attempt to audit it--unless they are *very* used to the process. <P>If she won't give you the records, confirm the charges at the source. If they won't release that information to you, ask her to sign their release so that you can see the figures.<P>You may not get the friendliest response from her. Just try to recognize that this cavilling is coming from *her* insecurities, etc. You just be polite but firm. <P>If she were a real grown-up, you would get itemized detail on a printout with backup photocopies stapled to it for your records. She isn't. It's just something you've got to deal with for the moment.

If you agreed to pay half it sounds like someone came to the wrong figure.<P>But if you don't trust you ex or you want confirmation for bugdgeting purposes...THEN ASK FOR A BILL AND RECEIPT.<P>It's within your rights.

I will probably be running into the same problems in the future. My x and I had started accounts especially for the kids future dental needs. When we divorced, nothing was said about this money and I have reinvested the money in a better fund for their college or other emergencies.<P>X has told the kids I have the money for braces, etc. But I am planning to hold her to the divorce agreement in that I pay for all medical/dental and she pays the next $100 and then we split 70% me, 30% her. I know this will go over like a lead balloon.

Here comes the accountant in me!!<P>Everything should be on paper! By putting numbers down on paper you help to alleviate some of the emotions that are attached to money. But even more important you are both able to be sure you are "on the same page". In different emotional states, we all say and do some strange things - sometimes not always the nicest things. But the funny thing about paper is it is never swayed by emotion. It doesn't forget or exaggerate. Once your write something on it, it is there forever.<P>Get a plan down on paper and both review it and both SIGN and DATE it. It sounds formal, and a lot of work, but it will save a lot of bad feelings down the road.<P>Paper. Document. Receipts. Cancelled Checks.<P>Use them.<P>Just my $.02 <P>Mike

Well, thanks for the replies.<P>I am a financial director in the financial industry. So, <B> of course </B> I asked for backup, cancelled checks. I deal with systems and accounting crap all day every day, from internal marketing to auditors to snake oil investment bankers hawking failing companies.<P>The X's response was, "I don't get cancelled checks, i get copies." I said, "The copies will do." She got pissy and said "I shouldn't have to produce cancelled checks!"<P>At this point, I said self, time to leave. so I responded, "We will talk about this later" and left.<P>Just wanted a sanity check, so I don't get so frustrated that I blow a gasket or two!<P>BTW, to X, any suit is an enemy! Remember, a shrinking world.<P>tom<P>Someone remind me "WHY i loved her?" Oh yeah, it was before the MLC and onset of depression and anger.

You've received a lot of good advice...here is something else to consider. <P>There are MANY expenses relating to the kids that you and your Ex will be negotiating. Things will get confusing (didn't I reimburse her for that already?) so keeping things on paper is essential for clearing up those questionable items. Since many of the expenses are repetitious and are the same amount each time, also consider marking dates on your documentation so you will know the reimbursement made today covers the ortho bill dated so-and-so. <P>Peace, LLL<p>[This message has been edited by LLL (edited January 04, 2001).]

WIFTT,<P>I just dealt with the orthodontia issue myself. Here's what I did. I had the bill come to my house. I made payments on the uninsured portion until my half was paid, then I directed the dental office to send the bill to my stbx's address for the remaining portion. That way, he wasn't reimbursing me - he was paying the dentist and it kept the business side of our parenting unemotional and independent of each other. We do the same things with most other co-bills - take the emotion out of the equation by avoiding situations where one of us has to physically hand the other money. (My child support comes through auto-deposit from his work to my bank account). <P>I've found that removing the personal handoff of money has made our interactions easier...I don't have to worry about him getting angry about some perceived injustice and not paying on time...he doesn't have to feel like he is paying ME money that is to be used for the KIDS...etc. Before this, everytime money had to be dealt with it was an emotional power struggle for us both. Detached is definitely the way to go.

2B has a good point, but caution is needed there. My friend's sister is divorced and tries to do it the same way, excpet her x doesn't work and won't pay any bills.<P>As a result, she is being denied medical and other services because of unpaid bills in her name.<P>This area is probably where I screwed up in my divorce. I, nor my lawyer didn't look forward. everything thing was based upon what she made previously as a part time worker. Also since I contributed 70% of the income and the insurance I continued to insure the kids. X pays me the formula based upon her income from 98 and her 30% contribution to the income. She pays me roughly $400/month and is responsible for the first $100 of uninsured costs and then 30% after that and I am responsible fro the remaining 70%. I also let her claim our son on the taxes.<P>She now works full time plus has a fill job also. She says she took a pay cut to get full time hours but I can not be sure.<P>I think these type issues are the ones why people recommend lawyers be obtained. My lawyer said I got a good deal. I guess thats why I signed them, in order to get it over with.