Well, I met this really nice guy through a friend.... <P>We really hit it off great, we started by chatting on the computer, then moved to phone calls.... We spent hours and hours talking (and hours and hours ~ 50+ in less than a week).<P>It seems to perfect though.... I feel so comfortable that I can say anything and not worry about being put down. We have so many things in common (things we like, things we don't, values & morals, outlook, personalities.... etc.). We get along great, we had 4 dates planned before we ever met face to face. <P>In the past year I have developed and defined what it is I want.... not only from/for myself, but in a life long partner. This is something I hadn't thought about when I married my X, and in many ways, the components are very different from anything I have ever had.<P>Now comes the scary part... this new guy (whom I've only had one of our 4 dates with so far), appears to fit this ideal I've created perfectly. It's as if I designed my ideal around him. There has to be a flaw somewhere!!!! Doesn't there???? <P>Maybe I'm just worried that it's too perfect too soon... I don't think I'm ready to 'settle down' again just yet (he is ready to get married again & start a family ASAP, and that scares me).<P>Maybe I'm just crazy!! <P>Oh Well! Thanks for listening/reading <P>Smooches,<BR>B<P>

Butterfly, <P>I'm in the same place you are - only it's been 4 months and I am waiting to find that hidden flaw - well sort of - I actually constantly remind myself - life is too short - enjoy the time we have with people we enjoy. <P>like you - I have spent a great deal of time finding out what I need and want - something I didn't do and didn't know when I married so young. but - definately know now what I need and expect from another person in my life. <P>Enjoy this time - go slow - be careful and always aware - but have fun - we don't have enough fun in life sometimes....<P>Good luck!

I'm in the same boat too. I can relate to that waiting to find the flaw!! Of course, all men have SOME kind of flaw right! <P>I agree, that life is too short to spend it in fear or pain and sadness. If anything, the positive experience will be a learning experience, and hey that time you spent happy would have been worth it.<P>After being cheated on, it seems we can't believe we are worthy or capable of someone loving us, or before you get to the love, just feeling "wanted" again. Because after your betrayed, you feel pretty useless.<P>Take it very slow and be happy for the good times you have,<BR>Hugs <BR>Dana<BR>

Of course there is a flaw. We all have them. Well maybe flaw isn't exactly the right word. We all have something we say or do or have that others will find unappealing. The key is, can you feel comfortable telling the other person about it? (gently of course) <P>If you look hard enough, you will certainly find something you don't like about someone. I would just relax and enjoy his company, confident in the knowledge that everyone has a wart somewhere and be ready for it when you see it. (then again, he could be perfect like me ) Sorry, I couldn't resist I'm putting on my asbestos underwear now!<P>I'm glad you have found someone to share time with Butterfly. It's great, having someone to share life a with, isn't it? (at least a little bit) Go ahead and enjoy t. You deserve it!<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Have fun!<P>Just know that there is the potential that it might not work out. If you go into it<BR>knowing the risks, I think you will be ok whatever happens in the long run. He needs to know the risks too. If you both decide to take that chance, then I think you should enjoy the time you have together.<P>I was in a relationship that started out just like your relationship. We ran into some issues after dating for about 6 months. We really went way too fast. I would recommend trying to take it slow and easy. I got scared when he started talking about marriage next year. I wasn't ready for that. <P>Jen

Butterfly, <P>I, too have met a wonderful man, actually he was a family friend who has been divorced for 3 yrs now. <BR>We just have so much in common....I am enjoying the company and the commitment he has made to me, but I am taking it slow and making sure this is what I want. <BR>Enjoy the relationship, but take it slow. There is nothing wrong with a commitment at this time not to date anyone else, but as far as future plans, just take it one day at a time for a while. <BR>When it is right for the two of you, you will know!!<BR>But isn't it wonderful ,after all the pain and hurt, we can feel this way again??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Dear Butterfly<BR>I'm just lurking a little and wanted you to know I've been thinking of you.<BR>I can feel you smile...and after everything you deserve some smiles. <BR>You gave me one reading about your good things.<BR>{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}}<BR>Enjoy the good things.

Oh Butterfly, what a neat thing to happen for you! take it slow and enjoy every moment. I think with the MB background, you'll be able to find the flaw and work through and with it when the time comes. I'm so happy for you!<P>I recently met a guy that I have been emailing and I was holding off for a date untl my divorce settled, but now it looks like we are going into litigation and it is definitely over between STBX and I. The new guy understands divorce and is willing to take all the time I need. Wow, consideration... it's an amazing concept after not having any.<P>Lori

Uh Oh,<P>I have to join this group, and repeat almost verbatim, what Butterfly typed.<P>yikes, could it be that we all sortof got here around the same time in both life terms and calender terms, and our growth has given us the experience and tools to identify <BR>attractive potential?<P>Remember, one learns the most by failure IF one is willing to examine it.<P>Yes, Butterfly, it is UNBELIEVABLY different, the communication styles, the values styles, the everything, it is much more real and normal, than the weirdos we married.<P>I like it! there could ba another shoe, but i bet its a size 3 versus a size 12.<P>tom

Hi Everyone,<BR> Just thought I'd put in my two cents worth. There is a book titled "Too Close, Too Soon" that gives guidance to how to take it slow. It talks about how different men are from women in how a relationship develops. it definitely compliments the MB principles. Another one I really like it "Boundaries in Dating". At the beginning of my "good friendship" that is developing in my life..it's been almost 2 months now, I shared this book with him, as we both recognized the potential, but also knew we, on our own, were moving too fast emotionally. We basically told eachother that we'd keep eachother "in check" as we want to build the friendship level. I am grateful for this time in my life for the growth and healing that has been coming in leaps and bounds without the "distraction" of having to meet someone else's emotional needs. <BR>JDQ

JDQ,<P>Thanks for sharing the books with us. I would like to read one and will check on one today. <P>Tom,<BR>I agree, we all did get here about the same time, both emotionally and our divorces have all finalized close too. Its only natural that we are all out there again experiencing all this stuff. I am greatful to have the opportunity and glad I have friends here who will support me and share their fears too. It helps me know that even though it can be scary at times, its going to be OK!<P>Butterfly,<P>Take it slow girl!!!!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Butterfly,<BR> I'm close behind you on the hours!!!! We live chat almost daily, and we just got off the phone, after an hour. When we first started talking, we were averaging 2-3 hours daily, after, of course, my kids were in bed. The first time on the phone was 4 hours, the 2nd, 3 hours, etc. I added up the hours just on "live chat" and quit after 90 hours, and that was within 4 weeks, i think..on top of the phone talks. Anyway, I was curious as to just how many hours we had talked up till then. And those hours didn't count the email letters!!<P>Dana,<BR> Of course, we all have flaws. It's just whether they're "character" or "behavior" flaws!! With the friend, I've already seen how much of a hard worker he is, and the hours he has to put in (he's a rancher), but I also reecognize how much time he spends with me talking. I, through this time of "self-discovery" am starting to see what am I willing to "live" with, for example, it is unrealistic to think or hope for a man who is perfect..that can match my mood at any given time, that can read my mind, (and who else, by the way is he reading, besides, that takes away some of the mystique..I don't want someone who thinks they can read me like a book everytime), etc. There has to be balance. I've also come to realize that a man who is "senstive" may also be the kind who isn't a go-getter, because he's too busy being "sensitive"...I appreciate the fact that my "friend" is mature and wise enough to know he has a lot to learn where it comes to relationships, and desires to. It lends itself to our having some insightful conversations that helps me to see just how sincere he is to "learning" new behaviors.<BR> JDQ

Dana,<BR> I just remembered what else I wanted to tell you.. In the "Too Close.." book, he makes suggestions that I don't neccesarily agree with, like a "contract" but in general, it is a very good guide, I think. Just wanted to tell you that I didn't agree with everything, but thought it would be a good recommedation. <BR>JDQ<P>------------------<BR> It's the wounded oyster that mends itself with a pearl.

Ok.... I'm sorry I've been gone so long...<P>My computer at home is about to meet Mr. Dumpster! And I've been too busy at work to really respond.<P>Thanks everyone for the responses.... I will try to give an update later when I have enough time.<P>Things are getting weird here... it's the old "When it rains it pours" type thing! I must admit I'm enjoying the attention, because I've never had this many men around.... <P>Gotta get back to work!<BR>Butterfly<P>Hey Wassi! Long time no see girl! missed ya!

Hey Butterfly,<P>just wanted to add my congratulations. Congratulations for feeling so happy, and having that smile on your face. It came through your post.<BR>Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy is what I would say to you.<BR>We have all been through so much, and if this man is putting a smile on your face, and making your heart feel light, and putting a skip in your step (should I continue here, or just write a Mills and Boon!!)<P>GO FOR IT.........<P>But like everyone says, in the beginning, we're all on our best behaviour. He is too. But the more you talk to him, the more time you spend with him, the more you learn about him, you'll find what it is that makes him tick. And you'll find out if that is what you want. So, I too say go slow......<BR>enjoy getting to know him, and discovering him. There's no rush for anything, make the romance last. God knows, you deserve it.<P>Go girl.<P>big hugs to you<P>Jo

Butterfly,<P>I'm happy for you and I'm glad that you are getting so much attention <P>Just keep in mind one little piece of advice, when it comes down to seeing movies on a date, a real gentleman will ask the lady to suggest which flick.....<P>Hang in there

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>a real gentleman will ask the lady to suggest which flick...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Aww, but then we don't get to see <B><I>NASCAR vs. The Vampire Space Bimbos</I></B>! <P>

Hey Jayhawk.... are you trying to tell my story before I get a chance to???? <P>Well gang.... the other shoe did drop. <P>Things were going so well.... he was being a gentleman, very understanding & caring.... then, we decided to go to lunch and a movie sunday afternoon before I left town (he lives about 100 miles away, so I stayed in town after our 2nd date). He came by to get me, and said he had rented a couple of movies and we should just grab a pizza & go over to his place to watch them....<P>Ok, I felt comfortable enough to do this, so I followed him, we got pizza & went to his house... So far so good.<P>I was getting plates & stuff while he started the first movie.... He made a comment about me doing something like "that", and I looked up, and I almost had a spell. He had rented porno movies! <P>I was so shocked, and disapointed. Don't get me wrong, you all know I'm not a prude, but this was our 3rd date, and had done nothing beyond a few kisses & hand holding. And the "subject matter" of this movie just isn't my cup of tea.... something about a shower cam in a sorority . <P>Ok... to make this long story short.... I walked out. I wouldn't talk to him, and turned off my cell phone.<P>I have sence talked to him, and he said it was not ment to offend me.... he has been appologizing for 3 days non stop.... messages, email & cards, etc... He also said he had rented a moive that I had said was one of my favorites, but he decided to "liven things up a bit" at first, and break the ice. And maybe just trying to jump start things a little.<P>Ok... maybe I'm an idiot, but I'm gonna give him another chance. One chance. We all make mistakes afterall, and he has been so very convencing. I'll give you all an update on the situation next week. <P>Gotta get back to work now... hope everyone gets as much of a laugh out of this as I finally did.... once I cooled off a little. <P>Smooches,<BR>Busty<p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly (edited January 11, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Butterfly:<BR><B>he started the first movie.... He made a comment about me doing something like "that", and I looked up, and I almost had a spell. He had rented porno movies! :EEK: </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I had no idea my joke would hit so close to home ... If you did nothing to lead him on, his behavior was unacceptable (as offensive to me as it was to you, and I'm a guy--with a full set of guy impulses, etc.). It could be a one-time overstepping -- but you should probably find out if there is a cache of the stuff he keeps before you go further. How big is the collection? How much does he spend on a habit (you don't really care--if it's a *habit* he's poison)?<P>It's one thing if soft-core turns up on cable while two people who are already involved are channel-surfing. It's quite another to intentionally *test the waters* on a third date in this way.

Wow, that guy had no finesse at all, does he? <P>Go ahead and give him a second chance, but keep your eyes open... third date and pulling porno? <P>Lori<BR>