I figured I might as well come over to this site...my H told me on the phone friday he wants a divorce. We had a really nice conversation, some heated, he told me he still loved me, that I was still his best friend and the love of his life. But he can't get past his guilt. <P>I told him I wouldn't fight him on a divorce, but it is so distant, him 3000 miles away. Us discussing who will pay for what. things like that. I got an e-mail this morning discussing more about the divorce details. I don't want this divorce, I am not doing well today, I can't face this...I have been trying to make an apt with the local mediator for advice/info...but they haven't called me back for an apt. <BR>I know I will get through this...I am just praying for peace with this.

I am confused by his mixed communication "he still loves me, best friend, lover" "but I can't get by the guilt".<P>Guilt can be resolved if a person wants to resolve it! <P>I am sorry you had to come here cprickel, I have been here off and on for some 8 months! I will say a prayer for you!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cpickel:<BR><B>I was still his best friend and the love of his life. But he can't get past his guilt.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Guilt for what? And why can't he get past it? <P>Don't let yourself crash emotionally. Don't beg and plead for him to stay, but don't be afraid to tell him you do not understand. Since you live so far apart, phone counseling may be the only option. Dr. Harley is set up to do it. <P>Is there any way to get in closer physical proximity? What marriage isn't going to be strained over so far a distance?<P>

Thanks for your replies. H left in Nov for this great job, said he would travel home on the weekends,not all weekends. coast to coast is brutal. But he can't seem to forgive himself for the A. He says that when I say I forgive him that I don't really mean it, he can tell. Not sure what that means. I guess he thought we would wake up one morning and it would all be gone...I wish. But I am over the A...in the sense that I am now more hurt at his slump into self pity. <BR>We have been struggling with this for a year now. I just can't understand how we can have the connecting conversation we did after he said he wanted a divorce...after I asked what was going on...and he said he wanted to stay separated (I didn't know we had) and then I said, well shouldn't we make this more legal and he said yes he wanted a divorce. On the phone he tells me this. <BR>How can we divorce if we both still love each other and he still considers me his best friend?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cpickel:<BR><B><BR>How can we divorce if we both still love each other and he still considers me his best friend?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>It's called the fog. Meaning, it's tough if not impossible to reason with him. <P>So, since he considers himself your best friend, it's time to avail yourself of that: Tell him you will be devastated by the divorce, and as a friend you think he might be as well. You want joint counseling for both of you; and what the heck, maybe you'll learn what he means by real forgiveness and be able to give it to him, and he'll be able to forgive himself too. <P>Even if your marriage doesn't survive, perhaps your friendship will. Without outside help, I question whether either will still be around a few months from now. <BR>

yeah he has been there, in the fog, for over a year. he says he is miserable. I think it's because he is looking for answers in jobs, people anything external to himself. He won't do counseling. I am asking him to come face to face with me to discuss this. I firmly believe the reason he took this job was to eleviate the guilt so he doesn't have to see me. See the pain. It's very passive.

List the reasons *you* broached the subject of divorce. The pain and hurt and anguish and loneliness and longing. <P>Then ask yourself why he is hopeless that you can heal as a couple.<P>Then, you must find a way to grope your way back toward each other. There are things you need to let go of; and he needs to be able to see it. There are things he must do so that you can have assurances, and he needs to do them. <P>When the subject of divorce comes up, it is neither time to jump in a liferaft, nor to steer away from the iceberg and say "whew, we only brushed it". Neither cowardice nor complacency are warranted; it is a time to begin making assessments and changes, large and small, with the help of professionals. It's time to go belowdecks and assess the damage, take what emergency measures need to be taken, and make best speed to the nearest drydock.

what you say makes perfect sense. I guess I asked him about making the separation permanent to understand where he is in his mind. <BR>I really do want to know why he feels it is hopeless. I would love to ask him...<BR>I feel it is hopeless because he keeps running and I keep going after him. I just sent him an e-mail I guess i'll see if he responds.