You think I would know by now. I had left a message for my wife last night to call. She had asked if our daughter who is seven could stay overnight with her which was fine with me. However, while me and the kids were having dinner out, my daughter said she would like to stay with me overnight instead of her mother, which was good for me. My message to my wife was what our daughter had said, asking her to call me back just to make sure she was OK with it. She didn't call until about 10:30 this morning. Said she was late getting in and felt our daughter was in good hands. Asked her what she was up to last night, she told me it was none of my business!! This is the same woman who at some times suggests that we can be good friends to each other and do things together. All she wants is to use me for her wants and desires - she does what she wants, while I am there for her every beck and call. How stupid can I be for letting this kind of stuff continue? I know I am being used, and I allow it to happen!!<P>richard<P>

Yes Richard you are being used, but we all wonder what or EX are up to. It is quite normal what you did.<P>Remember they want to remain friends but we cant. Would you let your friend treat you like she has done.<P>Be strong take care Rosey

No, Rosy, you are right, and I thought about that this morning. If a friend of mine treated me like that - they would no longer be my friend. Why is it harder to be that way with our spouse. We know we need to stop what is happening, but it seems to be so hard?<P>richard<BR>

Sorry, Rosey - spelled your name wrong in previous post.<P>richard

Richard- <P> Oh how right you are.. How is it that they want to be friends and can't understand why (at the current time) that doesn't exactly fit into our emotional well-being???

It's true - they don't know, or care that our emotions are going in what seems like a hundred different directions at the same time. On one hand we would love to be "friends" with them, but, in my case, as a stepping stone to much more than that. Then when we really think about it - we don't want to be friends with them - who would want a friend that has hurt you so badly many times over and shows no real commitment to anything different in the future. If it was anyone else............<P>richard<P>

Richard- <BR> Ditto on the stepping stone part.. If any "friend" had lied to me, cheated me, etc. I would never call them a "friend". Why then are we so willing to forgive our X's and start over????

Dont' know why we do that. Maybe it's just the kind of people that we are, you know - forgiving, see the best in other people, in spite of their faults. Or maybe that we are afraid of a life without that person, is that why we are willing to put up with so much from them??<P>Don't know....<P>richard

Richard- <BR> I can honestly say that I am not "afraid" of life without him... I just can't imagine it. I guess for me, I am fairly structured and like to always have a "plan".. All of my plans are gone and now I am not really sure where to go from here..<P> As for being forgiving, that's the funny thing about all of this. By nature I am forgiving, but never forget. When I am done really wrong (like this case), I generally just cut that person off. I won't do anything for revenge, I just walk away. I guess I will always wonder why I haven't in this case..

blindsided123,<P>I know what you are saying. I often think of a life without her and when I do, it feels like a new freedom. To do what I want, when I want, no more put downs and hurt from her - and it feels good. I, like you, tend to like to have things planned out - and all my dreams and plans that I had are gone - where do I go from here? What are my goals and plans now - cause right now I don't have any. I seem to have little to look forward to. I haven't been planning much for weekends and the like because I am not sure if she might want to do something with me. With me too, if someone else wrongs me, it is very easy for me to cut off the relationship for good, with no guilty feelings at all. This is very different for me though. I just wish I could tel her to have a nice life, don't bother me and we will go on. But it is so hard.<P>richard

Richard, I am not a wise one my H left me on November the 1st for another woman and her 2 sons, H and I have a 5 year old Daughter.<P>It is extremely hard and it is only in the last 2 weeks that I have only decided to have contact re email with him about D only, I will not phone him and he is not welcome in my house.<P>Although he left me, he still came to see me treated my new home like his and wanted sex. 3 weeks ago he was ringing me 5 times a night. Then he couldnt understand why I got angry and upset when he still wanted his life with OW. THEY USE YOU.<P>They are not happy with what they have done. Their life isnt what they expect it to be, and they will justify it their way. Unfortunately we have to live with their decisions.<P>Breaking the contact with them is very hard, but has to be done for your wounds to heal. This does get easier with time. D gets dropped off at H Aunts place and H pick her up from there. I am lucky Aunt is very supportive on me.<P>Break the contact be strong and let your wounds heal. Counselling for you really helps.<P>Email me if you get angry, dont ring W. I live in New Zealand, so my replies may be delayed a few hours and we are ahead of time compared to USA rosem66@xtra.co.nz<P>Take care of YOU you are the most important.<BR>the happiness of others around you will follow<P>Rosey

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rich1959:<BR><B>blindsided123,<P>I know what you are saying. I often think of a life without her and when I do, it feels like a new freedom. To do what I want, when I want, no more put downs and hurt from her - and it feels good. I, like you, tend to like to have things planned out - and all my dreams and plans that I had are gone - where do I go from here? What are my goals and plans now - cause right now I don't have any. I seem to have little to look forward to. I haven't been planning much for weekends and the like because I am not sure if she might want to do something with me. With me too, if someone else wrongs me, it is very easy for me to cut off the relationship for good, with no guilty feelings at all. This is very different for me though. I just wish I could tel her to have a nice life, don't bother me and we will go on. But it is so hard.<P>richard</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Deja Vu... <P>Let's just say.. He has called every day this week, sometimes several times.. I am in a hotel, so of course... I go online/then offline, just to see if he has called or left a message!!<P>As for the making plans... I am still having a very difficult time making ANY future plans, everything that I dreamed of was with him..<P>When I found out about the affair and he became angry that I had uncovered all his lies, he quit calling. I was able to start to get on with my life... Now, they are broken up, he has realized some of his mistakes and calls again... I feel like it is a never ending roller coaster ride... I do hope that one way or the other it will be over soon...

Isnt it funny that they think they have made the best decision in their lives and yet they still arent happy.<P>I was told I was too controlling, the OW is worse and already declared her love for him. I do not feel this is reciprecated from H as he says he wants to be alone.<P>They hate that they have been caught out and get angry at you. You suddenly make sense of everything and start catching them out with all their lies. This makes them even more angry with you. Why because all we do is tell the truth. They live in the false sense of reality.

I know, I have been there with W. I have found out about her talking with other men, giving them phone numbers, her calling other me - and at first she just denies that it has happened - doesn't have a clue in the world what has happened! Then we I put the proof right in front of her face - yeah, she gets mad at me for not trusting her, that I shouldn't be checking up on her that way. I have also heard this thing about me being too controlling. My W has always done much as she would like, on her own, or with me - all I ask is that we talk about it first, however, with her she does not want to talk about it, she is very bossy and basically just wants to get her way ALL THE TIME - even now. She wants the freedom to whatever she chooses, whenever she wants and with whoever she wants to do it with - and it is none of my business or concern because we are separated. I am so sick of her tonight she makes me so mad! Why is it then when I am talking to her and looking at her, part of me wants to kill her and the other part of me wants to hug and kiss her and make love to her. I hate this!!!<P>richard

Richard, boy do I know where you are comming from. I have to remind myself this is not the same person I married, because sometimes when I talk to H it is like he is the same.<BR>You still love the person they were not the person they have become. That is the only way I can describe it.<P>My anger used to manifest itself, and I now go to counselling not for him but for my future, all about making myself a better person for me.<P>We all have good and bad days. Rise above this, oneday you wont need to ask her the questions you are dying to know the answer to. It wont matter anymore, for me I just got lies anyway so the answer made no difference.<P>Try not to contact her unless necessary. I ring my sister if I feel necessary and she tells me that it isnt that important and I dont contact.<P>The rejection and the lack of repect from our partners is not what we deserve. We are good people,<P>Be strong Richard and keep posting and smile at your self in the mirror, because that is something they cant do. They wont even look in the mirror.<P>big hugs Rosey

I guess you're right Rosey that we love the person that they were - not what they have become. You know, we have three young children togther and the W only lives a couple miles down the road - while our oldest child (he's 13) spends most of his time with me and the younger two (11 and 7) spend most if the time with her - we do share custody of the kids. So that means that we talk about what is happening with them almost everyday, which is not good for me trying to put her behind me. I guess I wish I could just turn back the clock so things could be more the way they used to be with us. It was far from perfect then, but I thought our lives were pretty good overall and that we had a lot to look forward to. Now my thoughts of us growing old together, enjoying our retirement together, enjoying our grandchildren together someday are not to be. I wish I could just hold her in my arms and know that things would be wonderful for us, but I know that it can't. She has become something that I do not like, someone that disgusts me at times. The very person that I chose to love me forever, turns out to be the person that hurts me much deeper than anyone else in this world. And the worst about it is, that she did what she did on purpose - it was not accidental. She knew that by her actions, that I would be hurt, and badly. But she went ahead full well, knowing that. It's almost like choosing one's own assassin - but much worse since we expecting them to treat us with love and kindness.<BR>I am to go and see my counsellor on Friday. My main thing for him will be - how can I put her behind me and move on? I hope that he can help me in that regard.<P>richard<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by rich1959 (edited January 28, 2001).]

blindsided123,<P>I have felt like I have been on that roller coaster ride for too long too. I think my W loves it when she moves out and I (and maybe someone else) fights for her affections. I have done that twice, but I will not fight for her any longer. Her self esteem is so low, I think everything that she asks me to do and tries to get me to do is a test - just to see how much she means to me. Well, I think that this rollercoaster ride is over for me, I am getting off.<P>richard<BR>

Richard, I too gave up the chse to get my H back after I finally understood that I was going nowhere trying to win him over.<P>People were surprised that I gave up so quickly and said giving up was a sign of my strength and how I felt about ME.<P>I felt good about me and have nothing to fear being alone, although one day I would like to be married again. Who knows this isnt a priority. My counselling is helping through changes in my life and moving on.<P>Once we realise that their affairs arent about us they are about our spouses behaviour (we get the blame), we can continue, dont stagnate use this as an opprtunity to say Thank you. I loved the person you WERE. I am free of the person you have become. I am getting on with my life. It does hurt somedays, and the little things set it off.<P>I have really surprised myself typing this post. I must be feeling good. I think it is all the sunshine. Just spent another day at the beach. AHHHHHHHH summer is only half way through. Hope you arent too cold

I just read a post and one of the comments on there was about why we might still try.. I am going to have to give it some more thought, but I may just be continuing to try only because I am not a quitter and have always managed to "get what I want" if I worked hard enough. Maybe now is the time to throw in the towel on this one. I, like most people here, do NOT love what he has become or what he has done. I loved what he was. Might just be hopping off that bumpy ride myself... <P>arm6868@yahoo.com

Blindside it is a very hard decision to make and not one to be taken lightly.<P>It was as if oneday something snapped and I said I have had enough being treated like this, I need to get my own life for me as well as D.<P>He made the decision that he doesnt want me. He told me he doesnt love me anymore, I tried for a short time to get him back and it only confused my feelings and I was getting too hurt and going crazy.<P>I still have down days and guilty because now I feel that I shouldnt be feeling this good.<P>The pain is still there but I am growing, he isnt.<P>Take care and I will support you either way<P>A big hug from Rosey