hello im new here.im a 28 female mother of two great kids 2 and 7.i think i fel out of love with my husband.i cannot have sex i dont want him near me. we sleep in different rooms.ive tried telling him its resentment i have that i cant seem to let go of.im not attracted to him at all.hes very lazy and not motivated hes overweight and it bothers me alot. hes a wonderful person with not one mean bone in his body hes kind and has a heart of gold,but i just cant find any love for him any more.i know i sound mean but im just being honest.if somethings broken in the house i ask him to fix it and 2 mounths later still not fixed so i have to scream and yell then its fixed.its weird,i feel like hes my third child not my husband.i must yell at him to get to work on time otherwise hes late every day.i dont work i take care of the kids and house,my daughter was just diagnosed with epilepsy which has caused me alot of worries.i am on zoloft but it doesnt cure bad marriages i guess.please help someone please.is this normal?? am i going crazy or what?my faults are their too,i can be a ***** when i want to be.but i know im a damn good mom and my house always is kept clean.dinner on the stove my daughters an a student,im a brownie leader and a bad wife.please respond thanx <P>------------------<BR>xxoo,love my kids

Hello and welcome. Sounds like you are having a bad time and need some support. I am sorry that you feel your marriage is over. Have you thought of going to counselling to sort out your feelings, not necessarily your marriage.<P>My marriage ended with my husband having an affair, so I am the dumpee, however I was only talking to my counseller today about how I now realise that things werent all too good. No excuse for the affair on his side these are my problems that you dont need to hear.<P>Dont be afraid of how you feel, I know you seek help here also try divorcesource.com another helpful site.<P>I wish you all the best and sorry I cant give too much advise only support<P>Take care Rosey

thanx rosie. im sorry about your story as well. just dont know what to do anymore . the whole time we were together still to this day people wonder how we ever lasted this long. we are total opposites. i guess counsling couldnt hurt . i just feel like its hopeless.im stuck and i guess i must face it.thanx for your input it actually makes me feel better that someone can support me and talk. thanx again<P>------------------<BR>xxoo,love my kids

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lovemykids:<BR><B>i think i fel out of love with my husband.i cannot have sex i dont want him near me. we sleep in different rooms.ive tried telling him its resentment i have that i cant seem to let go of.im not attracted to him at all.hes very lazy and not motivated hes overweight and it bothers me alot. hes a wonderful person with not one mean bone in his body hes kind and has a heart of gold,but i just cant find any love for him any more.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, let's see--say I'm your husband. My wife has exiled me from the marital bed and she won't make love to me, but the kids get all the love in the world.<P>I'm not lazy--I'm depressed. I'm not unmotivated--I'm enervated. I'm overweight--'cause I'm grazing mindlessly to fill the void in my life.<P>What's my wife doing? Walking around with a dark cloud. Demanding things be fixed with no glimmer of appreciation or reward. Is it any wonder I've sunk to a low level, or am even spiralling downward?<P>You can always cut your losses, take the girls and move out, then sock him with child support and alimony that will keep him slaving for you indefinitely. Maybe you'll find a new guy, a golden retriever with perfectly veneered teeth, a brand-new Mercedes, and stock options in one of the last few healthy dotcoms. <P>A better alternative would be to learn all you can on this site and these boards about how marriages go bad, how spouses deal with other spouses suspected mental illness (hint: if you attack it head-on, <I>you'll</I> wind up the casualty), what help is out there for you (Dr. Harley's phone counseling, marital workshops like PAIRs, Retrouvaille, Marriage Encounter and Gottman--loads of books, even videotapes like the "Light Her Fire/Light His Fire" series you can find on a Yahoo store site). Just rememeber: gradualism and sutblety must be practiced when trying to lead others to change--we can make our <I>own</I> changes quickly though, if we're careful not to shock our partners.<P>It's likely your marriage <I>can</I> be fixed, and with kids in the picture it <I><B>should</I></B> be fixed. If not, you'll know that you did all you could.<P>First off: what are you doing to influence what gets eaten and when in your house? Is there a high-protein breakfast in the morning? What kind of shape are <I>you</I> in, and is there a workout you can get <I>him</I> to join you in? Nutrition and physical condition can make all the difference in the world.

lovemykids,<P>How do you feel about being 28 yrs old with 2 kids and a married "stay at home" wife? Don't get me wrong, I know you love your children. But do you ever feel thoughts of regret or hopelessness? Or even envy of other women your age? How do you feel about yourself as a whole, separating yourself as your role of mother and wife - I mean are you happy with who "you are"?<P>Was your husband lazy and overweight when you met and fell in love? If "no", then when did he begin to change? What was happening in both of your lives at that point?<P>Finally, what would happen if you stopped treating your husband like one of your "children"? What if you forced him to begin to take care of himself - what would happen? Worse case scenario? Best case scenario?<P>The questions I am asking here are only to try to maybe get you thinking differently about things. Chances are your feelings about your marriage and your husband are not entirely his fault. Somewhere down the line, you may have changed as well - maybe when the children were born you began to focus entirely on them and you disregarded your husband. Maybe at that time he felt discarded and alone - maybe he became depressed. I really don't know any of the answers to these questions, but from sitting back and reading your short post, I have a strong feeling that counseling for the both of you may have a profound effect on both your marriage and on you both as individuals.<P>Don't wait. Don't put it off. Don't find excuses "not" to go. Get to counseling. Save your marriage, or at least try... You owe it to your kids, your husband and most importantly to yourself.<P>God Bless.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Man, This is an exact repeat of what went on with my marriage. <P>To LMK, You said and are saying the exact same thing my STBXW said. Bingo.<P>To Sis. Double Bingo. The first 3 para's are exactly correct in my book. <P>It takes 2 to tango. <P>Since then I've lost 70+ lbs., work out every other day. fix things at my house, etc. She still didn't come back. Please don't let words speak loader than actions. <P>

wow you guys are a bit harsh. well,to start off,i did exactly what you said. i stopped treating him like a child.i didnt hound him to go to work early,didnt hound him to pay the bills.i tested him for 4 mounths, guess what?we are 2 months behind in mortgage and all other bills. his boss called my mother in law to find out whats going on with my husband. she and he are good friends.the boss said he doesnt even work he comes in hours late , the bill collectors are calling his job now.as far as my phisical shape i am 120 lbs and 5 foot 4 very much into my appearance and take pride in my looks.yes i have changed since the kids arrived,i guess i became absorbed with motherhood and all of its challenges.he worked 7 days a week up until this summer when both he and i had enough of that.no im not happy with myself or my life.im totally depressed actually.and yes i do wish i had done things differently,but i guess i made my bed now i must lay in it.when we first met,he was about 70 pounds thinner and i was about 20 lbs over weight.since i have lost thirty pounds and think i look better then i did then.i guess he is showing signs of depression.he doesnt take pride in his looks at all.i practically beg for him to shower then i give up.thats why i cant sleep with him,id rather die.i just lost all respect for him and myself as well.ive tried calling a phyciatrist and he refused to go.i tried begging him to take antideppresants and he refused.cousling he said hed try but seems like hes totally uninterested. as far as demanding things to be fixed,in my opinion,its his job.ive rarely seen any of my girlfriends under the sink.i mow the lawn ,take care of the kids exclusively,always to the hospital with my daughter,i make the lunches,take care of the pets,cook 6 nights a week,do all of the dishes vacuming ,homework, after school activities,girl scouts,religion,gift buying party planning,all of the planning to see the inlaws etc. etc. all he has to do is work and change the oil in the cars.id rather have his job any day of the week.<P>------------------<BR>xxoo,love my kids

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lovemykids:<BR><B>he worked 7 days a week up until this summer when both he and i had enough of that.no im not happy with myself or my life.im totally depressed actually.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Being unhappy is not the same thing as being depressed. Believe me, I know. I'm unhappy now, but I've been depressed; and I'd <I>much</I> rather be unhappy. And my depressive episodes never lasted long or went all that deep.<P>If your husband was once a hard worker and now is unable to make it to work on time or take care of personal hygiene, this is a very strong indication that he is seriously depressed. He needs help, but the sense of futility that comes with depression is <I>not</I> going to motivate him to get it. Can you enlist his doctor, his mother, his boss, or anyone else to intervene?<BR>

Let me add my agreement to the depression analysis.<P>That being said, you <I>cannot</I> tell someone they're depressed and get them to believe it unless and until things get <I>really</I> horrible for them. <P>What you <I>can</I> do is look around the net for various depression inventories, which are questionnaires like, for instance, the HAM-D. They are self-assessments like the quizzes you see in the women's magazines. Believe me, if he's depressed the score will show it. It's easier when you say "see here, the numbers don't lie."<P>None of them says "you've absolutely got it", but they may help you get him in to see the doctor to find out if he's got it. <P>If he's got it, the drugs don't work immediately, and sometimes a particular drug doesn't work at all. It takes some time to find the right dosage of the right drug. Make sure he spends that time and doesn't get frustrated and quit treatment entirely. <P>There are also other methods--one website even lets you buy a series of daily phone calls where you interact with an automated system that provides a form of therapy by touch-tone. I don't know how worthwhile that is, but of course the advertisements claim it's the best thing since sliced bread!<P>It reminds me of an old joke about a psychiatrist's voice-mail:<P>Press 1 repeatedly if you're obsessive-compulsive.<P>Have someone else press 1 for you if you're dependent. <P>etc.

Here's that thing:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.copewithlife.com/whatisivr.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.copewithlife.com/whatisivr.html</A> <P>It might be worth looking into.