My Situation: Married 11 years, Nov. 99 I found out H just started affair with his "soulmate", got the "I love you/not in love with you" speech, he moved out 1/00, in with OW 6/00, with no intent to divorce me shown at all.<P>All thing are fairly amicable, most of our finances are separate except mortgage, etc. I am technically in Plan B, but do occassionally e-mail him if I have a question about something at the house (I live off-power, off-phone lines, etc. so the unusual set-up with windmills, batteries, solar panels, etc. he knows all about...I don't.) <P>Question: H e-mailed me this week and asked if I was planning on taking any vacations this year and if so, he could come out (35 miles away from where they both live) and housesit, feed/walk the dogs, cats, etc. I told him I MIGHT be going to Oregon (actually I will be gone for 3 weeks), but that I don't really know if I would feel comfortable with him housesitting because I couldn't trust him not to bring the OW out there. I have made if <B>VERY CLEAR</B> that the OW is not to set foot on our property. He always says "well, of course she won't." <P>But now this situation as come up and while he would be perfect for the job, I just don't trust him. He said, well think about it and do whatever you are comfortable with.<P>I'm feeling bad about not trusting him, since it IS his house still and he could do some handyman work around there while he was here. But my gut.....eeeeekkkk! I just think he'll try to bring her out there and since we have no neighbors, he could get away with it.<P>What should I do? <P>Thanks.<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I would be very suspicious of his motives here. He calls you and offers to housesit given your situation something is not right here. You know him best I guess but I say what's in it for him? Maybe he wants to get away from OW for awhile? I'd defintely not believe him about bringing OW there I mean he's a liar and a cheat. Also he could clean the house out and since there is no legal separation or divorce agreement in effect you would have no recourse. I would definitely make other arrangements. Just out of curiosity have you changed the locks?

Thanks for your reply. Let me put it this way, in the course of his e-mail about his upcoming trip to France, he "off handedly" asked if I was going anywhere. It wasn't the reason for the e-mail.<P>Also, he really misses our house/land (15 acres in the country, very quiet, very peaceful) and has commented on his desire to help keep up the maintenance stuff, but since I'm always there, it doesn't really work (I agree).<P>You're right, he may want to get away from the OW. They live in a very little house, in a very crowded neighborhood as well as work together. So could be.<P>I haven't changed the locks, but that wouldn't matter because we always leave almost all the windows open so the house doesn't mildew (Hawaii...humid). I would never leave it that closed up for that long.<P>I don't think he would clean me out....that wouldn't be like him at all and waaaaay too much work. As far as recourse goes, his paycheck goes directly into the joint checking account, he knows I know where he lives, his retirement account is in my name as well, etc. He knows I would come after him or at the very least, make his life (and maybe the OW's life) miserable trying (which I would only do as a very, very last, last ditch effort to survive).<P>Yet.....my gut still says eeeeeeeekkkk!<P>More comments?<P><BR>

I don't know he offhandedly asked if you were going anywhere? Hmmm..I would find it hard to believe it was offhanded. Like you said he misses your house/land that's probably why he made the offer. But still there is the OW and why should you trust that he would not bring her there? He says he won't bring her there but he knows you will never find out if he did or not.

nnnn <p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited February 08, 2001).]

That's right! And now that he knows that I MIGHT be gone (at least as far as he thinks)....he may try to find out (via my work mates, our mutual friends, etc.) exactly when and come out there anyway!!<P>Uggghhhhh....why did I open my big mouth?!?!? Now what do I do?<P>I am a waaaaaay too honest and upfront kind of person....<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited February 08, 2001).]

Mrs. O,<BR>You obviously know this man better than any of us out here could possibly try to guess. My opinion is to go with your gut on this one. I can understand the trust issue regarding his word about not bringing the OW out to the house while you are away, but maybe he is being honest about it? You probably won't really know though for sure.<P>He has deceived before, but can you trust him now? That is a question only you can answer. If there are some "handyman" things that he can do around the house when you are gone, then it would really help you out, right? Plus you already said that he would be perfect for the job. If you two are still on somewhat civil terms, then I would think it would be ok. <P>You pretty much covered why he wouldn't "clean you out" when you're gone, so the only real issue is if the OW would be out there. If you don't have neighbors and nobody would be around, how would you ever know if she was there or not? Besides, there is a very good chance that the OW would not be comfortable at your house and probably wouldn't want to go there anyway. <P>Of course all of this is just speculation and I still think you have to go with your gut. If you have an attorney that you can ask questions of, I would just check out a few things first to cover your own butt just in case he does pull something. Make sure you are legally covered for recourse if he were to clear out the house or do anything under-handed during your trip.<P>You were married to this man for 11 years and he loves this house. He is probably just doing what he thinks is right, maybe out of guilt, and it is possible that he wants a break from the city and the OW for a time. Not to put false hopes in your head, but say he spends 3 weeks away from OW and back at the house and the property. Maybe he will remember what he is giving up and it may be enough to lift him out of his fog. <P>I know that is a long shot, but you never know how things will work out.<P>Good luck!

Mrs. O,<P>Was reading your post and wanted to throw this into the mix...<P>Do you have a trusted friend or relative that would be willing to house-sit while you are gone? At least then you would know who came out and with whom???

Go on your vacation and change the locks dont let him in your house. Both my stbx and my sisters stbx have asked the same.<P>You cant guarantee they wont bring in OW and there is some other motive there, dont know what it is but it will show its ugly face soon enough.<P>I have been there and said NO NO NO.<P>Dont do it, the house is you place of peace you dont need him in there to take away that peace.

Thanks guys. Here is some more info to throw into the conversation.<P>So, after my e-mail saying I don't really trust him, he sent another saying "it's up to you, whatever you are comfortable with." He also said, "I wouldn't bring her out to the house, because that would be too weird. It would be mixing two worlds and having her there would just be too weird."<P>So, I can understand where he's coming from and that <I>might</I> be the truth. And I have thought that IF he stayed out at the house, it may affect his feelings/thinking about everything he's done over the past year and a half. <P>However, the statements again are all about him...not that he wouldn't do that to me, not that he wouldn't violate our agreement, nothing like that. Just "it would be too weird for me [him]." Even tho it's all about him, I do think he's being honest about that.<P>So to address the other questions: Yes, he's the perfect person as far as the handyman stuff, the dogs, etc. Plus, he know how to maintain/check the alternative power system and that would be good. <P>No, there isn't anyone else I know of (at least right now) that could do it. I live too far out in the boonies. And all the other people I know who I could ask, have their own pets/animals to take care of. I do have neighbors a ways away who could come out and feed/water the animals, but not who would stay.<P>I also do think he's offering partly out of guilt, and partly because he really misses the place. We are on very civil terms and part of me things it would be okay. The other part thinks, "but what if...."I just can't tell if my gut is reacting out of fear or what....don't know if I can trust my own feelings about it all.<P>And my own behavioural moral code says that just because he's been a [censored] and walked out of the relationship in such a devastating way, doesn't mean I have to be one too. It is his house, at least financially....he is paying 1/2 the mortgage.<P>Anyway, more thoughts?<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>