Wife Called tonite...wants to go out for lunch tommarow w/D to a place i told her i have wanted to take her for three months...what do I do? her and D leave for Florida for a week in one day and i am not going.(wish she'd ask me) PLEASE HELP!!!!<P>Daeyboy

negelect is hard to make up for..you can't neglect someone and expect them to stick around..<P>What do you think you could do to make up for the years of neglect? think..what would you want from your wife if she would have been neglecting you all these years??? time??<BR>not just the words..but the actions..of your putting her first..words are empty without the actions behind them...<P>You said you can charm any woman..(except your wife..) why do you think that is?? why do you think she is turned on by your charms anymore??? are they merely words with no real feeling behind them? have you used them on so many women over the past that they no longer mean anything to her??<P>why should she trust that you have changed? <BR>how does she know that you are really a "changed person" and that as soon as things are okay again you won't go back to the way things were before???<P>I know that I struggle w/ that one myself..sure my stbx is trying to be all lovey but..what about when he goes back on the road on another job away from home?? things will go back to the way they were..I'd still be the mom who is here w/ the kids..sleeping alone every night..while he's off working who knows where across the country...just like someone married to a drunk..how do you know they really changed if they "changed before" and as soon as they are back in the home they start drinking again..<BR>and this time it's worse..how do you know???<P>You know by the actions..the actions have changed..thats the only way..you change your actions..

Daveboy,<P>I don't know if this may help at all, but I wanted to offer it to you - It is a post from back in September in which I participated in... if nothing else it may let you know that there are others who have been and are in your situation:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000982.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000982.html</A> <P>As far as for advice? What has worked for me....hmmm.... First let me say that when I say what has worked, I don't mean that my wife has come back (yet). In fact our divorce date in court is already set. With that said, I still do have hope - I now call it "healthy hope". I can hope that a miracle happens and we are reunited, but I can live my life happily without her.<P>What I did was to first focus on what "I did wrong" in my marriage (granted I did it a little too much in the beginning). From there I tried to learn what I did wrong and how to make sure I don't ever fall back into the same trap. At the same time I began a rigorous fitness program - This did several things for me: <P>1) It helped bring back my self-confidence. Since I was the one who was "left", I felt like a failure and my confidence was at an all time low.<P>2) It kept me eating. When my wife first left, I began to shed pounds like a dog sheds fur. I lost about 15 lbs in three weeks. Once I started exercising, my body forced me to eat - I was so hungry from working out that I needed the food as fuel.<P>3) It helped me start sleeping again. When she left, insomnia became a way of life for me. The exercise tired me out and helped me get back into a healthy sleeping pattern. The more sleep I got, the less tired I was and that helped fight off the depression.<P>Besides the exercise I began focusing more on my faith. I don't know if you have God in your life at this moment, but if you do - go to Him with everything. Go to Him for advice, then be sure you are listening to His answers (often they are totally opposite to what you want to do). Pray. I began praying everyday (and I still do to this day).<P>Finally, the one thing I would do differently if I had the chance would be to focus less on my wife. I became too clingy and I tried everything I could to "bring her back". All that did was drive her further away. Once I stopped focusing on how "I" could fix our marriage, I began to feel much better and stronger. It is not that I didn't (or don't) want us to reconcile, it is that I placed the whole situation in God's hands. You are going to hear this phrase time and time again, but take it from me it is worth listening to - "If it was meant to be, it will be".<P>Pray for patience and perseverence. Take the time to become close to "you" again. Focus on bettering yourself.<P>And finally, if your situation goes the way of mine (I do pray it doesn't), then focus on the love you have for your wife ALWAYS. If a divorce is forthcoming, don't give in to the anger and pain that will come - Be strong. Don't get mean and cruel, even though many people around you will give you every reason why you should be!! Stay the good person you are - don't let her decisions affect the person you are. That is one thing I am proud of in all of this - I remained the good person I always was - Some people were amazed, some were shocked, some thought I was nuts and felt pitty for me - but every day I wake up in the mirror I KNOW who I am. And I know that if this marriage does not work out, that I will be able to love and marry again.<P>Honor your vows, even if your wife doesn't do the same.<P>Unfortunately you may be starting down one of the hardest roads of your life. Don't waste this time on anger and pain - use it well. Use it as a growing time. Learn. Try to stay as upbeat as you can (even though at times it will feel like a living hell). Talk to friends and family - not for their advice, but just to talk. The more you get off your chest, the better you will feel. And if you can, buy a journal and write in it as much as you can. You will be amazed at the progress you will make, months/years down the road when you look back to it.<P>I pray for you and for your wife. May the two of you find healing for your marriage. God Bless and keep you both in this time apart from each other.<P>Be strong.<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike<BR>Thanks for your reply, it means alot to me. This Quote was left for me on another thread.<P>Thanks for the kind words. Listen brother, I know what you are going through!! It may seem (and is in many many ways) a miracle, but it was also a LOT of hard work!! Let me say this, SEEK GOD FIRST! It is a miracle from GOD BUT, he expected me to LEARN and GROW to EARN it in a way. I know it feels like he's not with you but he is and he won't give you more than you can handle. He may however, give you AS MUCH and to the limit!! <BR>I know how desperate you feel. I slept for 1-2 hours a night and lost 40 lbs (which made me look like I had aids!!) I couldn't work or talk to people. It was horrible.<P>GOD is working for you I promise, he hates divorce!! Use this time to GROW for YOU not her. READ READ READ, PRAY PRAY PRAY and mostly, don't react to her right now. She's confused. She is probably hurting as much as you but won't show it. Try and find out her needs and fill them. If you don't, even if she comes back there is little hope of it working in the long run. THIS CAN BE FIXED!! You mentioned there was no infidelity. I thought so in the beginning too, most of us did. <P>Read this post called "signs of an affair" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.htmlit" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.htmlit</A> was a good one. Here is my email address if you want to vent one on one. darrt@prodigy.net I'd like to hear your story. Maybe I can help. I'm no expert but have had a LOT of good advice sent to me and certainly know what NOT to do from all the mistakes I made!! <P>GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>You are going to hear this phrase time and time again, but take it from me it is worth listening to - "If it was meant to be, it will be".<P>Now let me quote frank here again.<P>GOD is working for you I promise, he hates divorce!! <P>so the message i get here is god hates divorce but if it was meant to be, it will be. I am very confused here with these statements why would God do this to us???<BR>he is the potter and we are the clay, he can change a persons heart, why doesnt he in some cases? I just dont understand this, HELP.<P>Daveyboy<BR>

ST2000<BR>I read that thread, Sounds exactly like my W, except for attracted to me sexually part. What does a person do in this position? Be on her own?? I cant figure out why anyone would want to be on their own..<P>Daveyboy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daveyboy:<BR><B>...Now let me quote frank here again.<P>GOD is working for you I promise, he hates divorce!! <P>so the message i get here is god hates divorce but if it was meant to be, it will be. I am very confused here with these statements why would God do this to us???<BR>he is the potter and we are the clay, he can change a persons heart, why doesnt he in some cases? I just dont understand this, HELP.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Daveboy,<P>It is confusing at first glance, but once you look deeper in to things, it starts to clear up. First off God is NOT doing these things to us. God never gave anyone a reason or asked someone to divorce their spouse. What He did was to give each one of us "freewill". <BR>Freewill is a double-edged sword - it can be used for good, but it can also be used to go against God's wishes. If a person chooses to walk away from God, while He can "make" that person come back (He CAN do anything), He won't ever do that - for the minute, the instant, He "makes" someone do something, He has in effect removed freewill from us all.<P>Remember the "prodigal son"? This boy ran away from home taking all that was his and wasted it away on earthly vices. God or the boy's father could do nothing to "make" the boy come home - all they could do was hope and pray. Eventually the boy did come home. When he did return, his father welcomed him with open arms and a loving heart. The same that God does for all of us. The bottom line was that the boy "chose" to return - he used his freewill. No one made him come back...<P>While you may believe in your vows and honor your vows like so many of us here did and continue to do, that does nothing for our spouses. For we have no power to make them change their minds. They have to choose their way by themselves. God is indeed above watching over both us and our spouses. He does hate divorce. He feels so sad for us. But He can only help to heal our marriages if and when both spouses want it to happen and ask for His help.<P>The show "Touched By An Angel" brings this message to our homes every week. In every show one of the angels relays the message from God that "He is there and wants to help, all you have to do is ask". A marriage is a joint union of souls - both individuals must ask God to fix their marriage for Him to be truly effective.<P>Let me say one thing to you though - God loves us all and when we hurt, He hurts! He does not want us to be in pain. But, He does want us to learn to depend on Him above all else. Unfortunately the best way for us to learn how to do that is through adversity. When life is great and things are all going our way, it is so easy to say we believe in God (but how often do we forget to thank Him, or to be swayed by material things). It is only in the difficult times, the nearly impossible times, that our faith is truly tested. When things look like they can't get any worse, when the world is crashing down upon us, when nothing seems to be working - He expects us to believe in Him, to trust Him, to follow His ways. A great analogy I like is that of a fine sword - a great sword. Before a sword is complete and ready to be used in battle, it is fired and beaten with a hammer many, many times. Remember that the sword starts out as a clumsy piece of metal. Only after a blacksmith pounds and pounds the metal, does it begin to take shape. Then and only then is it ready to be polished and glow in all its splendor. I believe that we are like that sword and God is like the blacksmith. He may seem to be "beating" us down, but it is only because He knows just how splendid we will become after His work is done.<P>I can personally think back to times in my life when I thought everything was terrible and that there was no way to turn it around - like the world was out to get me. But now, looking back I am able to see just what those times did for my life - How much I grew during those difficult times. How bad it may have been if I got what I wanted at that time. Remember, God does not give us all that we want, He gives us all that we NEED.<P>When I say "if it was meant to be, it will be", I guess I am referring more towards the state of mind you should work towards. If you believe in God and if you believe He will always be there for you and that He will give you (us) just what we need when we need it, then maybe these times in our lives, in our marriages are for a reason that we do not yet understand. And if our spouses continue to "leave" and walk away from our marriage, they will one day answer to God for their actions. But just because they quit does not mean that God will punish us as well. While He won't change our spouse's minds for them, He will provide for us who are faithful.<P>So in this time of trials, maybe we need to stop focusing on our spouses and their desires. We can't change what they want directly, but I feel that if we first work to change "us", the indirect consequence may be that our spouses change their minds as well. BUT IF NOT, nothing we will have done will have been done in vain - for we will be better people whether or not our spouses return. Now look at it the other way - if we spend all our time and effort trying to change our spouse's mind and it doesn't happen, what have we learned? Have we gained anything? Or have we simply failed to accomplish our task?<P>Now you may be reading all this and think that I may have it all together (yeah right!). That is so far from the truth. The things I state here have been ones that take effort, everyday of my life. Some are things that I have only learned over the past year. I am a work in progress. If you were to search back on this site to some of my first few posts, you would see that I was not always this strong, in fact it was quite the opposite. It all began to really change once I started leaning on God for help and support.<P>Hope this helps...<P>Mike<P>Any clearer?<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.