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#683402 02/26/01 07:33 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 63
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Hey there again:<P>Ya know I was thinking: maybe it would be better for you to check my old posts under the search engine. That way I can just get into how things are now.<P>I really feel for you- and I am sure that your wife is feeling really confused. I do feel that this so-called "friend" of hers is your biggest obstacle. I am sure that she has provided your wife with a lot of emotional support- and the fact that she is an open lesbian only makes me wonder what type of stuff she has been putting in your wife's head. <P>Your wife has not been getting her needs met by you- or else this wouldn't be happening. I am not blaming you because I now know that it is your wife's responsibility to communicate this to you. For me- my sexual needs were not being met....and this other person represented to me a way of getting them met in a most erotic way. Unfortunately- the intensity of those feelings led me to believe that I was feeling a lot more. I thought I was "in love" with this person and that my feelings for my husband had been fatally wounded. <P>Luckily- I can say now- for me, this other person was also married and pretty much unavailable and having her own difficulties with moving forward with the affair. But that didn't lessen the pain that both my husband and I went through. I went through feeling like I had been sexually rejected by two people...and that I was worthless. My husband felt like he had been ripped apart-period.<P><BR>The other fortunate for us: we have children. I truly believe that I would have acted much more impulsively and (stupidly) had I not had children. This is where things are tricky for you.<P>So- what happened? My H was willing to go to any lengths to strengthen our marriage again and we did some marital counseling and he did all he could to show me his love and to reassure me how desirable he found me. And the biggest factor: I had to have absolutely NO CONTACT with the other person. This was very difficult for me- but my husband had actually threatened the other person enough to really scare her- so she pretty much ended all future contact with me.....and honestly- I think my real feelings were coming out- because I didn't continue to persue her. I had too much to lose.<P>It took time for us to heal....during this time I took an overdose of pills and spent time in a psychiatric hospital...everything just fell apart. I truly believe now that I had a nervous breakdown and that is pretty much what happened. That doesn't take away though all the pain I caused my husband. Luckily- for both of us- he is the type to really just put things "on the shelf in a box" so there is never any mention of all that happened. That truly helps a lot. <P>I am so grateful for my husband today- I never stopped loving him and know that I was just so upset with him for having "abandoned" me in ways that were important to me. Does not excuse me though for what I did. I can no longer say that I have been 100% faithful in my marriage and that is sad.<P>Honestly- I have to say that Plan A did not work in our situation. Hubby just felt more resentful and I would've just gone on being a cruel, deceitful person. It was the night that H told me he was through with me and that we better decide on a custody arrangement that I knew the gig was up. Major Plan B worked for us.<P>Today I am so in love with my husband- and although we don't have as much sex as I would like- he is back to taking care of me in ways that I need. We are really affectionate with each other and have alot of fun again. I haven't had any contact with the other person in many months- and all I can do is pray for her. She does not have much joy in her life.<P>I don't know if anything I have said has helped- but not all situations are hopeless.<P>My H did feel better too in a way that it was a female I had the affair with- it had always been an erotic fantasy of his as well. But- when the stuff was really going on and I was so distracted by the OP- it didn't matter if the OP were an animal. The pain for my H was very severe and I can't take that back.<P>Keep your chin up.....I truly believe that things work themselves out the way they are supposed to.<P>Karen<BR>

#683403 03/02/01 07:22 AM
Joined: Dec 2000
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Hello spooknook.<P>Your post gave me some glimmer of hope.<BR>My wife has been gone for a little over a month now.<P>I'm going on with my life. The wreck I had made me come to me senses. I was hoping on hope that she would see the light. I was going down slow.<P>After the wreck my wife told me that she tought that the should have been fatal wreck was a sign that she was doing the wrong thing. She then decided that it wasnt.<P>You know, she said that she wants to find herself, be alone. Well, she spends all her time with the OW. The only thing I can think of is, is she's trying to find herself through the OW. Alone is alone. If that makes any sense. <P>We are going to the movies Saturday after next. I'm keeping the lines of communication open. I do let her know that I still love her and miss her, that I think of her often. Like yesterday, I mailed her a thinking of you card. I do not go overboard with it though. Mabey 1 or 2 times a week.<P>I'm willing to go to any lengths to save our marriage if possible. I just need to hear the healing words from her. <P>I do think she is confused.<BR>I do think it is infatuation she has for this woman. She says that it is love.<BR>She says that she loves me, but is not IN love with me.<P> She didnt even want to try to work on our marriage. Just a few days ago I started feeling a resentment against her for not even trying. Just the, I need to find myself crap, and running out the door. I dont want to feel this way. I was thinking about talking to her about it, the decided against it.<P>I still find it a hard pill to swallow, that she is willing to throw a 10 year relationship, 8 year marriage out the window.<P>She wants to remain friends, I want more. I want my wife back. When we see each other the conversation always turns to the OW. I dont say a word out loud, but inside I'm screaming to her that I dont want to hear it.<BR>That I dont want to know one thing about the OW, other than that they are through.<P>She told me that if we are going to remain friends, that I'm going to have to accept the OW, and be her friend too I guess. I dont think so. Thats asking alot. If she only knew how much it pains me to hear her talk and carry on about the OW.<P>Lately I have been thinking about, that if she tells me one more time that I'm going to have to accept the OW. I'm going to tell her no, I dont have too. That I want my wife as a friend not the OW, and if that is the stipulation of our friendship, then give me a call when you find out what you want. That scares me when I think of telling her that. Because it seems as if I'm writing off anything that might be salvagable as far our marriage goes. Like I mentioned earlier...I want to keep the lines of communication open.<P>Anyway. I hope anyone can make heads or tails of what I just posted. I work 3rd shift now. I got 3 hours of sleep last night before I went in....so I'm like a zombie right now. If anyone needs any clarification let me know.<P>Thanks<BR>Mark


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