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#684625 03/16/01 05:34 PM
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Hi Sheba,<P>it's good to see your name again. You were one of the first to post to me, so long ago.<P>I just read your post to Jim, questioning "what is closure" and what does it mean.<P>I'm not cross, or angry, but I guess I do bandy that expression around a lot, and you have made me think. And that's a good thing.!!!<P>What I mean by gaining closure, for me personally, is that in my mind I stopped wondering if he was ever coming home. Every day, every minute, I thought, and analyazed, and replayed things that he had said or done. And wondered what they all meant.<P>As you probably know, he would say one thing, and do another. And then when questioned about what he had said, he would respond with "I don't remember saying that!!"<P>I had to stop that.<P>I did ask direct questions. I did let him know that I wanted to work on our marriage. I did want to reconcile. He didn't, or at least said he didn't. And has had 5 gf's to date!!<P>So, I had to end the emotional turmoil in my head. And the divorce let me end it.<P>Maybe I have hidden some emotions, but I'm trying to deal with it all. I'm trying to be honest with myself.<P>have to go<P><BR>Jo

#684626 03/16/01 11:43 PM
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Hi Bonnet -<P>So you found SANITY!!!! LOL!!!<P>Actually, what you really did was refocus your thoughts. Something that you didn't quite manage completely until your divorce for some reason.....perhaps this is what Jim is meaning about his annulment being his closure.....<P>I just balk at the word closure...I don't see how we can consciously "close" anything with a certain event/deadline, etc. To me, emotions have no doors and if one somehow closes off what has not yet run it's course...it is forced and simply repressed.<P>Some could argue that "wording" is simply symantics....I have to disagree with that though. People tend to throw misleading words and phrases around that don't really express the truth of what or where they are actually trying to accomplish.<P>For instance, the girlfriend I spoke of who's past is back is the same one who used to drive me crazy with things like:<P>TIME TO MOVE ON<BR>GET A LIFE <BR>COME OUT AND MEET PEOPLE<BR>THERE"S THIS GUY I WANT YOU TO MEET<BR>LET'S GO SHOPPING!!!!!<P>I know what she was trying to accomplish.....she didn't want me to hurt anymore and wanted to help me "bandaid" it!!! But, what she didn't know and what I instinctively have always done is to take the time to figure out as much as possible about how I got here, what needs work, what can be learned and allow healing and understanding.....Luckily I had MB and all the great knowledge and support to help with that.<P>Can't do that at the "clubs".....too loud and distracting!!!! LOL!!! Good for forgetting though perhaps.....good for escaping pain perhaps...but certainly doesn't quantify as "getting a life" - not the life I want anyway.....<P>You see, her thinking was all she knew because her self esteem needed boosting after her divorce.....so, out she went - surround yourself with as many "friends" as possible and whooey "just look how popular I am" - can go a long way towards letting one say "H was just a big loser"<P>She thought I needed that too.....<P>Not me....I need to understand, I need to put it in a good place and I could never think of the man I married as a loser....what would that make me? After all, I chose him!!!! Nah, he's just a person....a messed up, in selfish mode, hasn't a clue about what's important - mortal!!!! <P>Although, I do have moments when I may THINK he's a jerk.....and would throw some very choice wording in his direction - it is venting and private (well, except here!) and only out of pain and frustration. It helps to release it and see past it to be able to heal. Then I FEEL GOOD and that is who I have to worry about, right? I wouldn't feel good if I kept bad feelings for or about him.....<P>Putting him down, does not lift me up.<P>I don't want to be person who could get their ego stroked that way. <P>And as far as getting boosts from the attentions of other people (especially the opposite sex) has always been a very risky way to find happiness to me. Too unstable - can't base your own existance on the regard of another.....how do you know how messed up they may be? <BR> <BR>Well, there I go....off on another tangent!!! Sorry.....<P>I guess my point is that these "words" or "phrases" can tend to have an air of societal catch-all's and end up having no true meaning.....<P>Recognizing what we actually are doing/feeling is much better than trying to label it with some overused and misleading declaration.<P>It's good to talk with ya, Jo.<P>BIG HUGS and Prayers,<P>Sheba

#684627 03/18/01 05:32 AM
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Hi Sheba,<P>it's so good to talk to you too. Sorry I had to cut off quickly in my first post. He was here to pick up the children, and actually came up into my bedroom where the computer is!!!!! Didn't want him to see where I was, or who I am (on the computer)!!!<P>I think I know exactly what you mean, and it's what I'm also trying to accomplish.<P>I have no man in my life (well, except my Dad!!) and I'm happy with that choice. I made the decision a while ago that I was going to go through 'this' now, and deal with it now. If I feel like being sad, I'm sad. If I feel like going down memory lane, I do. If I feel like being angry, then I get angry. And I need to do that alone, without all the extra emotion of a new relationship.<P>I'm trying NOT to suppress those feelings or emotions that are so familiar to us all. Because I don't want this experience or any unresolved feelings/emotions to come back and bite me on the bum in 10 years time.!!!!!!!!<P>I also have girlfriends who think that I need a new relationship to help me get over this one. I don't. I'm like you, I want to know where I went wrong, what I did wrong, and what it is about ME that could do with some work. And I don't see how I could do that while having a new man. <P>I go out with my girlfriends, have a great time, chat to some 'boys' and then go home. Alone. I always wake up happy in the knowledge that I didn't get myself into a situation ie, a one night stand. I have never been that sort of girl, and I think it may be a bit late to start now!!!!!<P>To get back to the initial topic of this post, ie, closure, my divorce helped me get on the right track. It did stop all those "is he coming home, or isn't he" thoughts.<BR>It started me accepting the situation.<P>And I agree so wholeheartedly about not slandering them. Yes, I do think he (my ex-h) was weak, but that only means that he was not the man I thought he was. I made the mistake, not him. He isn't the one for me, and it's taken this painful experience to make me see that. Who and what I thought he was, and who he really is, are two separate entities. He is a nice guy, bit screwed up, but basically nice. He did the wrong thing, but who of us here has never done anything wrong. If one positive has come from all this, it's that I'm glad it happened while I'm still relatively young, and have the chance to get my own life in order both financially and emotionally. By myself.<P>I'll be praying for Jim tonight. It's Sunday night here now, and I know how he must be feeling. I can remember the day before my divorce.<P>take care of you, and big hugs for you. Thanks for the chat.!!! Are you going to VA beach in June? I'm going to try and get over, although the A$ better pick up , or I won't be going anywhere.!!!!!!<P>love and hugs<P>Jo<P>


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