My first post here. I've been lurking for awhile and find a number of these threads very interesting stuff.<P>So, here's a general question, and I debated a little about where what category to post this under. I'm hoping for feedback from both sides, so I thought divorcing/divorced might be a good place to start.<P>But, I'm separated (2 mos), my friend is separated, and we just had a little debate about what seems harder to do: <BR>1) Staying and trying to work things out w/ your spouse or<BR>2) Admitting things are not going to work and going through w/ a divorce.<P>Our takes: (you can tell what sides of the separation each of us are on)<P>Mine: Staying. Because more often than not, you're attempting to deal w/ possibly years of unresolved issues. In doing so, not only could you uncover/discover a lot about yourself & your spouse, the process will most likely be painful in the interim as you address how you've hurt and where all the sources of pain have come from. Yet it can be rewarding in the very end if you could stick it out. Trying to solve the real problems that exist between two people could be a very long and painful ride, and you could dig deep into your personal issues such as pain that started from your childhood. But, I think you need to take the ride at some point, because if you don't understand the whys, you could walk away and carry that emotional baggage (e.g. the problems that might actually exist w/ your own anger mgmt style) along w/ you, despite thinking you're "starting over/starting fresh", and run right smack into the same problems w/ someone else. The divorce rate in this country alone I think proves that it's the path of least resistance.<P>Friend's: Divorcing. Because of the thought of throwing away all you've invested in. And because you have to start all over in a new relationship, learning new things about another person, etc. (I won't digress, since I'm not sure if I'll get it right, and it wasn't my opinion to begin with. I did argue that "starting over" didn't sound terribly hard to me, rather it sounded more fun = easier.)<P>We both care very deeply for our spouses. And neither of us want to hurt our spouses. But, regardless, we wound up in disagreement.<P>Your opinions?<P>[I did like someone's signature that ended w/ a quote about "Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together."]

Since I've done both -- stayed and finally did leave -- I'd say it is <B>**MUCH** harder to stay</B> because of the uncertainty of the outcome. <P>When you leave, as painful as it is (and it IS, make no mistake about it) you AT LEAST have a feeling that an "end" of the pain is in sight.<P>I'll be interested to see everyone's take on this. Good question.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

It's like asking whether a Lincoln Navigator is better than a Jaguar S-Type. For whom? To do what? For some it might even be an equivocal choice despite the obvious dissimilarities.<P>Who are you divorcing? The perfect guy because your self-esteem can't handle it? Or Mr. Hyde because he's on the verge of killing you? <P>Are you Sandra Bullock, who has no trouble attracting guys? Or are you Phyllis Diller? <P>Which is harder, stay or go? It very much depends on the circumstances.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Who are you divorcing? The perfect guy because your self-esteem can't handle it? Or Mr. Hyde because he's on the verge of killing you? <P>Are you Sandra Bullock, who has no trouble attracting guys? Or are you Phyllis Diller? <P>Which is harder, stay or go? It very much depends on the circumstances.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hmmmm. In regards to your first question, I think that's exactly the type of thing that could be discovered should you try to understand what are the real problems between the two of you. Do she/he have self esteem issues? Does she/he have responsibility issues? I think physically, we're both pretty capable of attracting the opp. sex. However, I think it's the underlying issues that can make a person unattractive in the other's eyes. For example, in my case, I think anger management issues are big, and I'm trying to work on them. I, myself, do not welcome the thought of divorce. So, I'm trying to take control of the behaviors that I can to <I>hopefully</I> make me attractive again to my spouse. [Plan A and all that.]<P>No, neither my friend nor I, I believe are in any violent relationships. I think it's the typical -- where did the love go and why and what to do about it -- kinds of questions we're trying to answer.<BR>

Que Sera,<P>A little different circumstances, but I think it has been harder to let my STBXW go, then it would have been to have her stay here and try to work things out.<P>BTW, I am glad you liked my quote. I truly believe that when you <B>choose</B> to take a path with the person you want to be with, it can be a hard journey, but well worth it in the end.<P>Griz<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes the hardest journeys in life are not the ones you embark on alone, but those that you choose to travel together.

I think you both have valid points, but staying is definitely harder because you can't run from your issues. All the old stuff, all the new stuff, it's right there. If you want to ever have any happiness with anyone, you have to deal with your stuff. Doing that alone is easier because you don't have the day to day distraction of what is going on THAT day. You aren't adding any new stuff. <P>That may sound like staying is noble and the altruistic thing to do. Sometimes it is better for both people to cut your losses and just go. Some things can't be fixed with love. We can always offer forgiveness and let go of the attachment to the pain, but that doesn't mean we can be happy in that relationship.

Hi,<P>In my own life , and my views, I think leaving is taking an easy way out, even though in my book, leaving is so very much harder. <P>But I'd rather stay and fight it out after all I've been thru for something, I hate to quit at things.<P>To me, the people I know, most of the women want to stay and work on it, most men are ok with leaving in the beginning. Just a personal observation on the people around me.<P>Interesting question, Dana<BR>

I was lead to believe that my husband, at one point was going to come home and try to work things out. I wanted nothing more than to take that long hard journey of working things out. When all is said and done-He continued with the divorce and went back to the OW. I'm sure that trying to work things out would have been hard, but I was willing and to do it and the end result (hopefully) would have been an intact marriage, mabey even on that was stronger than ever.<P>Both sides, staying or leaving, are tough "journeys" to travel. The thing for me is I wasn't in control of either. Being left has been (& I'm sure most would agree) a living hell.<P>Sisyphus, funny you should use Sandra Bullock in one of your examples. Because so so so many people tell me I look just like her (except I have blue eyes). I am not saying that for an ego boost or anything. At lunch today, I was sitting in my car, writing a letter and this guy pulled up to my car and motioned for me to role down my window. He said; You look just like Sandra Bullock!<BR>Anyhow, I just thought it to be funny.<P>Petrie<BR>

Which is harder staying or leaving? I think that depends on how much cooperation you get. If one wants to stay and the other wants to leave, in addition to the issues that come with either one, the majority of the difficulty or ease is dependant on the attitude and cooperation of all involved. <P>For my situation, the WS can't decide what he wants to do. Waffling is a way of life for him now. To him, both appear to be impossible. For me, I have to learn to make either work. Why does the "waffler" get to make the decision? <P>L.<P>

<BR>In my case, leaving. I was terrified to leave because of his threats of what he would do if I did leave, and even living with the abuse I put up with for years seemed better than the unknown question of whether or not he would follow up on his threats.<P>Leaving is still hard, three months out of the house. Damn right he is trying to pull off his threats, but he didn't bargain for me to regain my self-esteem and the bonds with family and friends he nearly destroyed. He always said I'd be alone (since I was unlovable by anyone but him), and about that he was wrong too.<P>No regrets about leaving. I am sad that things didn't work out for the better, as our young children are very upset by the upcoming divorce, but his actions since I left have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did the right thing.<BR>

This is such an interesting question! My H and I had this very discussion, in fact, a few weeks ago. We've been on the brink of D for a while, and even went so far as to divide up property (in discussion only).<P>He said that staying together would be harder because of all the work and effort we'd have to put into our relationship. He said he loses either way - whether he stays with me or agrees to the D (yes, _I_ am the one who wanted the D). I said splitting up would be harder (for me, anyway) because my family would not support me emotionally, and I don't make much money. Also it would be very hard on the kids, whereas, if we stay together, we can go on pretending everything is fine. We don't fight. We don't interact much, actually. We remind the kids multiple times daily that we love them, and we are both good parents (well, in my opinion, anyway; everyone agrees _he's_ a good parent). Someday they will probably ask why we are not affectionate, and I'll have to be prepared for that.<P>I think the question depends on so much, that it's difficult to answer. Staying together and truly working on getting over the hurt and reviving the relationship is indeed difficult. In fact, I see that as nearly impossible in our case. <BR>Staying together and agreeing to live separate lives while playing the "happy little couple" isn't all that hard. But it doesn't exactly lead to happiness.<P>So I guess I would "vote" for leaving/divorcing as the harder to do. Not because of what's invested so much as the financial aspect and arrangements for children. and "starting over" with another person and learning new things doesn't sound difficult - we do it almost everyday (well, at least I do, in my job).<P>Just my thoughts....<BR>Almitra

Staying is <I>probably</I> harder <B>IN HE SHORT TERM!</B><BR>Leaving is <I>definetly</I> in the long term!<P>Leave & you won’t get ANYTHING sorted out such. <P>Stay & you can get everything sorted out. If in the end, a divorce is still in the cards, you will have learned much and hopefully can go on to another relationship (but only <B>AFTER</B> the current one is over and use this knowledge to make it better & do it right.<P>Life is not a destination, it is a never ending journey.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>