Well, now I am going to apologize because I DID lie.<P>My husband did not show up at my doorstep--he CALLED me about a month or so ago and told me that this was it--he would have to move and would I give it one more chance? After many many phone calls back and forth, many many e-mails back and forth, most of which were hostile, I finally decided that it was best for my son to return. And then, I did move, only not to Kentucky, but back to Japan. I was actually to meet him in Seattle, and was quite resentful that while I was sick, struggling by myself to move (and I was very unsuccessful in the end, as I never got the chance to move all my things out of my apt and cancel my utilities.) I was very ill, and he refused to come help me for whatever reason, but instead, sat in a hotel room and relaxed and called occasionally to ask what was taking me so long. But I did not want to mention that to him for the sake of keeping peace. I figured that I was probably wrong, like usual, for feeling angry towards him for such a minor point. <P> Sorry. For the sake of brevity and to not supply you all with a vast monologue to wade through and yawn over, and to illustrate the suddeness of my decision to reunite with my husband, I did exaggerate. I am sorry.<P>He did read and point this out to me, that I am a liar and I am trying to convince you all to pity me.<P>My missive was to inform you all of my decision to not write anymore, and to give you some idea as to why: I don't want to have anything to fight with him about. I don't want to fuel the fire by discussing this affair anymore. I don't want to maintain anymore contacts that he will interpret as threatening to the "relationship." It is easier to do this than the alternative of writing and making him mad.<P>I turned to you guys in the first place for guidance because I could not go to anyone in "real life," in any depth, for help, for confidentiality reasons. Actually, I wanted to vent and could do so nowhere else. I hurt so deeply that I could not possibly hold all of this in, and I don't know how I should have been expected to. <P>But my husband monitors all of my computer activity, certain that he will catch me up to some dark endevour. I have no intention of changing my e-mail address because I believe he should know about everything I do--I believe in total honesty. I believe he he should know about every correspondance I make and everything I think and feel. Ideally. If he really cared.<P>I might have exaggerated at some point, yes, but not lied. My problem is that I am an open book to the point of being indescrete. I am a blabbermouth, and talk too much. Sometimes I say the first thing that comes to mind, at times, I am very tactless. That is my fault, I am trying to change that.<P>The rest of what I wrote is accurate, however, at least from my perspective, which may very well be warped. I don't know anymore. I am tired of even wondering if I am crazy--I am told every day that I am. <P>I have returned to my husband because I thought that it was best for my little boy. He was right that I have no solid plan for supporting him--when I got out of the army to go with my husband, thinking that he wanted a marital relationship instead of a business deal, there went my career and my ability to support my kids. (Even then, I was unstable ground because my military career required to leave my kids--he was right about that.)<P>I also returned to my husband because I had some idea that he wanted to work things out with me--he wanted the marriage. He says now that he did not tell me anything that should have lead me to believe that. He says he just wanted to give me a home and get me back on my feet. Whatever. All I asked, before I left, was that he define his intentions. I did not want to live in a relationship where I was to expect and hope for love and companionship when his objective was to be room mates--where he worked outside of the home and I was to be maid and governess, and to otherwise stay out of his business.<P>I was good either way, I just wanted some confirmation before I left as to what he wanted so that I would not pour my efforts into anything that was to ultimately be in vain. This has been a hazy contract from the beginning. That's the problem I have.<P>I still do think that this is what was right for my family. My little son is very happy--it makes my heart soar to see him play with his dad, to go to a good school where he is receiving a great education, to be in a safe environment, to have me home to help him with his schoolwork. He doesn't have to watch tv during the only time that I can clean house, when he and I should be spending time together--we have plenty of time to play and talk. I can fix him decent meals rather than fast food because I have time to shop, cook, and wash dishes. He doesn't run out of clothes because now I have time to do laundry. But most of all, he has his dad, and that is what he needs. He no longer has to be "Man of the House." This, in itself, was worth it. <P> To hell with my own needs--the fact that my son is happy satisfies me more than anything. That is my "need." And what's more, I can take care of my son, work part time, and send my daughters child support. The alternative is to bust my butt working full-time at poor wages, to support all three by myself, leaving me little time to be a mom to any of them.<P>I do love my husband deeply, unconditionally and more than ever--that is not a lie. But it has long since become a love that you would have for a newborn baby or your grandfather in the nursing home with alzheimers: For all the love I have for him, I don't expect to get anything back from him. It would be foolish to hope for that, I know that now.<P>Also, for as much as I love him, I do not trust him at all. In fact, I am completely paranoid. Ideally, forgiving should also include forgetting, but not in this case. He has had a passionate affair with another woman--and I am all the sudden supposed to trust him and just forget that it happen? I am not supposed to have questions? I am not supposed to be even slightly suspicious at any sneaky activity (he wants to pay the cellphone and credit card bills himself, he says he's putting a lock on the PC, he won't wear his wedding ring.) I am supposed to trust him?!!!!!!<P>I know that if I do not shower him with affection (something that I am just not good at, anyways--the whole expression thing) then he will turn elsewhere. That's just a given--from my perceptions. <P>He certainly has NEVER trusted me, either. I have never been able to convince him to trust me--and lately, he has not had reason to.<P>I mean, he has been conducting counter-intelligence against me. For instance, last summer, while messing around on my brother's computer, I saw some of the single-and swingers-date-finder-something-or-other-web-sites and wondered if my husband was doing that kind of stuff, too. I had good clues that he was. But in order to log on and check, I had to register myself. I am too dumb to be covert, I guess, because I used my real-life details to log on. I thought nothing more of it. Every so often when I was sent stuff from these couple of nasty websites, I sometimes read the names, but usually just deleted it. My husband DID see my dossier on one of them, and now he accuses me of doing that same thing he did. He is really enjoying this. He says that he has evidence that holds up in court--he says that he's going to send my "dossier" to all of my Mormon friends so that they can see what kind of person I am.<P>(Folks--the very idea of porn, cybersex, swingers--it all disgusts me, I hate it, I have never been involved in it, and in fact, I have a hard time even getting bare in the locker room. I have never even seen MYSELF naked, that's how much of a prude I am.)<P>What else have I done? This is very bad--I found a letter from some girl to my husband dated from last summer. I found it while I was cleaning house--the same way I found Miss Kitty's pictures and e-mails. I was not snooping, I was cleaning. The letter was, from my point of view, flirty. My husband claims it was from a female business contact that he barely knew--yet they were obviously on a first name basis, and the "female business contact" bemoaned her limited time spent with my husband and inquired as to further friendship in the future. I am sorry, but my husband also insisted that he and Miss Kitty were also "just friends" at one time. In my rage, I sent a brief correspondance of my own--I just said that there should be no more letters to my husband, whoever she is.<P>He saw that this morning, too. There is nothing I can say. I did it--and it was wrong. He is downright wrathful, and I guess he has a right to be.<P>See, I have a lot of problems, too. And I don't know how to solve them. I am still so hurt, and angry, and jealous, and curious--and everything he does works to the opposite of giving me any closure. He is covert and defensive.<P>He refuses to go to counseling--it requires time and effort that he feels that he should not have to devote--the marriage is not so important that it should interfere with his work. That's according to him.<P>So. . .I suppose I will go to counseling by myself--I have to, since it is obvious that I am the one who has "problems," to discover why I am morally defective, selfish, lazy and dishonest individual. This I have done many times in the past two years, but I suppose that in order to deal with "my" problems, I will have to continue to step outside of myself and seek guidance.<P>You all are more than likely correct--this is probably just the beginning of the end as far as the marriage is concerned, but I still feel that I am doing the right thing for my little boy.<P>Someday, just maybe, my husband may love me in a way that I want to be loved, but I aint gonna hold my breath. Maybe someone else will, but I aint looking.<P>In the meantime, I can't talk about this anymore--all it does is disrupt any chance of peace. I will go back to just checking back on you guys and see how you are doing, but you know that I will be OK.<P>By the way, I will probably get my butt burned for writing, this, too. But oh well.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited April 05, 2001).]

I don't think you're "done here" at all...you're just beginning. You have done something that many others here could not do: you stopped the freight train of divorce. Despite what your parents think, you aren't crazy. In fact, you have shown an amazing amount of sanity.<P>I'm jealous, and I wish you well.<BR>

Dear Bernzini,<P>We have never chatted before. I found one of your earlier posts the other night while doing a search. It was a post to a person (something about shoes), anyway you gave your story and it really touched me. I saw a lot of similarities in our situations. <P>You live or have lived near where my family originates. Far from my current home. Your husband said and did many of the things my H is currently doing. Except my H does not have the rank and command of a good position your H does. There are a few more strikes against my H. Anyway, the OW in your life is inflicting similar pain like mine. <P>I had been wanting to write to you for more insight. My case is newer. H is in the 7th month of his A and for me it has been 4 months since d/d. We are currently headed for D. with H in the fog land of 'I don't know'. <P>Now I can see by this post that you & your family are putting their lives back together. I want to wish you the best in your life. I am glad to hear that it is possible to help a family get back with so much of the odds against them. <P>Your H is on a difficult road to recovery. Men have so much pride sometimes it is to their detriment. Overcoming this situation will take a great effort for all including your son. My son is 6 years old and very aware of what is going on. His father moved out 3 months ago. His father has very little contact with his son, does not even call to see how his son is doing in school or anything. H only asks about son when he is feeling guilty or it is brought to his attention. That is why S is asking about a new dad, if his real dad does not want to come back to his family. OW has accused me of being an unfit mother. <P>Your experience was an eye opener for me. Thanks for sharing.<P>Aloha,<BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 05, 2001).]

Bernzini,<P>Congratulations!! This is a wonderful turn in your life. You are also a very very brave woman not to mention compassionate. I do hope that your H realizes how special you are. I think he has some idea because he came a long way to get you. But I suspect that he will come to realize you are worth more than he knows now.<P>Good luck and God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<P>PS: Do post every now and then to let us know how you are doing.

<P>This was lovely to read...best wishes!<P>Kathi<P>Gee, now that your post is changed, not sure what to add. I respect that you are doing what you feel is best for your child, and I hope that things work out for you all...<p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited April 08, 2001).]

Bernzini,<P>I doubt anyone will be angry with you. Its your life and you deserve to be happy! You have a long road ahead of you. I have been there, once before with my ex, but that was about 7 years ago, when my now exH was only a bf, but we had lived together 5 years before he cheated. <P>It took me over a year to not dwell everyday and even longer to get the trust back. Unfortunately for me, he wound up doing it again last year. I wish I had a place like this back then.<P>I think you probably would find a lot of support on the recovery board. <P>Wishing you the best, Dana<BR>

Bernzini,<P>I think the peace you feel stems from your willingness to give him another chance and from your forgiveness of him. Not to mince words, it still sounds like he has a heck of lot to still work through, but you are a family once again. That to me is the most important thing.<P>No one would ever be mad at you for following your heart. You are doing what you think is right and that is to be an open and compassionate person.<P>Good Luck. I will say a little prayer for your family. Always remember that with God and with love, anything is possible.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

It's nice to see hope return where none existed. I hope that you and he can find a way to heal the chasm that has developed. Please love him all you can, but keep your eyes open to make sure you don't get betrayed again. Good luck.

I edited my message--see above

Bernzini,<P>I wish you all the best...You have a long hard struggle ahead and I believe you have the fortitude to walk on down it...<P>Just know that I love you dearly and will pray for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

BERNZINI...........I was wondering where the heck you got to. If you are not going to post here, can I have your e-mail address??? If not, I can send you mine on this site...I wanta say HI....and offer support!!!!

TT!!!!!!!<P>Of course we can write!!!! (By the way, I am here to offer you support, as well!)<P>You can reach me at mary579@hotmail.com. Can't wait to hear from you!<P>