I have not posted here in a long, long time, but I have had some spare time to read a bit and just wanted to say to anyone reading this that any of you working on yourselves through the MB principles are just doing the best thing.<P>I guess if I posted where I used to in General Questions, I would feel like I failed MB. I filed for divorce from my husband of 20 years about a month ago. He started his second affair (this one with a woman he has worked with for 20 years) soon after his first affair broke up. I knew in my heart that I could never forgive this one. I know the woman, my children have known her their entire lives...I just knew that even if he ever wanted to (which I doubt) I could never have let him touch me again.<P>So, he's been out of the house for almost a year. I am doing pretty well now the worst of the emotional stuff is over. He is living with OW, taking the kids there every other weekend (now, that's a killer for me and the kids). The only time I get really angry any more is for my children, like most of us here. They are, and will always be on some level, devestated. H and I didn't really fight, so this whole thing came out of nowhere for them.<P>I wanted to write about how much I learned from the MB concepts and, more importantly, everyone here. Man, there were dark dark days when I could do little but log on and read and post post post. You all know how that is...I lost 50-60 lbs in about 5 months...slept a lot, avoided all music, cried till I could not cry any more...just like all of you I guess. MB, along with a handful of wonderful people from my "real life" saved my life.<P>My H is crashing and burning in every aspect of his life. He is a stockbroker...and every client I know, including his family and our lifelong friends either already have, or are in the process of pulling any funds they have invested with him out. This was with no prodding at all from me...he has simply blown every one of them off, refuses to return phone calls, procratstinates, and looks like he is doing some really fishy stuff. Yep, his own family is keeping really close tabs on him. He was, you guys, just such a pillar before all of this. Every one he knew could dpend on him...now he is a shell...just such a sad broken man. He looks old.<P>On the bright side...and pleaseeeeeeeeeeee...no lectures...I have met a wonderful man that has also been through hell and back. I had absolutley no idea that good men still existed, had totally lost my faith, and BAM! Yes, I know, I'm married and have no business dating, but I guess I've also learned to never say never...I have been judgemental of others in the past for this, and yes, in the back of my mind, know it's morally wrong, but you all know that the period of time we have been alone did not begin on Discovery Day...a lot of us were alone long before that day happened. My H was having affair #1 two years before I found out, and tells me he didn't love me for the last ten years of our twenty year marriage. I was all alone and didn't know it.<P>Wow, this turned into a rant. If anyone has taken the time to get through it, thank you so much.<P>Maybe the Harley's would hate this, but let me just pass on one thing many of you may have already discovered. Plan A..with someone that loves you...WOW. Am I ever grateful that I learned about Plan A. No, it did not do the trick on my H...he had no love for me, but let me tell you, it will have the person that truly cares about you eating out of the palm of your hand. What a wonderful way to live. If it is carried out correctly, for the right reasons, with love, it is returned a hundred-fold.<P>Ok, as usual I've said too much. Please no flames. I know this is MB and I should be talking about resoring my marriage, and I tried, I really did. I came out the other side with dignity, which was my goal all along.<P>You're all my heroes.<P>allison<P>

HI Az,<P> NO flames from me!!....I've followed your story and you have truly been through H$%*.....I am so happy for you (I'm sure I'll get flamed too).............Wishing you the best....LU

No flames here either...<P>I did the same. <P>I am now divorced, and so is he. We plan to marry. We use the concepts, and boy, you are right about being with someone who knows how to Plan-A!! <P>I wish you peace and love.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 11, 2001).]

Hey stranger!!!<P>Nice to see you're doing well. Not a chance of a flame from me...you deserve someone who will treat you right. <P>It seems like Karma is coming to get your STBX with a vengeance. As my Ex found out, the grass really isn't any greener. <P>There is a point (and I reached it when my divorce was final 2 months ago) where you realize that there is nothing you can do to "build" your marriage, and you have to let it go. This IS the "divorced/divorcing" board after all! It looks like you've come through the fire with everything still intact. Welcome to the club!<P>BTW, I just spent the last 2 hours talking with a co-worker who has decided to divorce her H. I'm grateful for the things I've learned here. It may not stop her from getting a D, but at least I can pass along some of the good advice I got from here.<P>Stay in touch!<BR>

Allison!<P>I almost called you last night, I was thinking about you. I still dont have your email address. Mine is Lorabell13@aol.com<P>Anyway, Did you read my thread on GQ? My H asked to move home! And OW showed up at my house! Unbeilevable!<P>I am so glad you are doing well, I know your H affair will not last and he will be filled with regrets. But you are going to do great, cause you are a wonderful person and its his loss.<P>Take Care,<BR>Lora

Hi Allison,<P>You won't get any flames here. I know how hard you worked to save it, but it only works if both try. I know that well.<P>You know, good for you. You deserve some happiness and you are the only one who can decide when your ready. I'm glad you found someone.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Hi Az Allison,<P>I read your post and felt the sadness of what you went through, yet you were able to pull yourself out and have a better future. I am truly glad for you. <P>Things learned here at MB are not just for those who are able to rebuild their marriages, it is for all of us. Whether my marriage is save or ended, I will always be glad for the support and advice I have received here. <P>If I am fortunate enough to have another relationship, I know that I will use some of the principles here and be in a better position to make a more meaningful relationship. If there is no one else in my life, I am not worn for the wear, I have learned to respect myself and retain my dignity thanks to the great bunch here that give me that kick in the right direction when I need it. Either way it will be better. <P>I don't think you have failed at MB, I think you have made good use of what you have learned. Your sharing your knowledge with us and it is appreicated. <P>Thank you for your post, it was encouraging. <P>L.

Hello Forum Members,<P>I am popping in on this thread and will pop in on some other threads with this message. <P>I have received several notes concerning dating, new relationships and the freedom to discuss the topic on this board without fear of verbal abuse, reprisals, or breaking an MB rule.<P>Divorcing/Divorced adults discussing dating, new relationships and remarriage is apparently a fact and important part of this life situation to many of you. It is okay to come here, share your joy and say you are happy in a new relationship! You are breaking no rules. <P>I can't speak for Dr.Harley, but the fact that a Divorcing/Divorced board even exists on his Marriage Builders web site shows not only his kindness but also that he is in touch with the reality that some of us may divorce despite our best efforts. <P>Take Care,<P>Magnolia<BR>

Hi Allison,<P>I don't remember your posts but I do remember your name. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and doing better. I'm also glad to see Magnolia popped in because there is nothing worse than having something to say and being afraid to say it. <P>I regret dating early on in my situation and I regret dating at all before my divorce was official. I wasn't thinking clearly back then, and even today I don't know how clearly I see things at times. But I do always believe in doing what feels right for you, not what everyone else thinks is the right thing to do.<P>The Harley Concepts are so truly wonderful and I too have applied them and have seen great results. Too bad we don't learn this stuff BEFORE we get married! I'm also thankful to have the divorced board, yes it goes against "saving the marriage", however, it is also realistic because not all marriages survive the affair.<P>Good luck in the future and I wish you the best,<BR>Dana<P>

wow folks...<P>it was great to hear from so many of you, and so quickly.<P>Lu...you put my mind at ease almost immediatley. I guess coming to the D/D forum is better than going back to GQ...I hate to discourage anyone by going back there. I think Magnolia has shown us we won't be flamed for our feelings. Thanks Lu, and continued recovery for you! ~allison<P>new_beginning...It's hard to come on here and talk about a new relationship isn't it? I almost wish there was a place to go, a special category for this. The hard part is that I'm almost making my new guy pay for some of my H's mistakes...man, talk about insecure. I still dream about being left for a new woman, but now it's the new guy leaving me...I should be paying a shrink on this one. I also wish you peace and love, we do deserve it.<P>cjack...may I say that you are one of the reasons I began to realize that not all men are jerks! I swear, this is so true. the night that you just knew that you could offer me a cold beer and a few hours out of my house, rather than a shoulder to cry on was sort of a catalyst for me. Hey, I actually had fun..what a concept! Thank you for caring and showing me that guys can be vulnerable and sweet...and anyone that is reading this...don't get the wrong idea...jack and I are buds, and he will make some very lucky girl a great partner someday (soon I hope Jack.)<P>LORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...he is coming home!!!! ok, you are the new Plan A queen. You did it perfectly...you just knew and listened to your heart and head and thought things out thoroughly before you did anything...my analytical friend. I did go and read your post, and OMG...now, how did the avoidance queen handle OW coming over???lol. Reach behind and pat yourself on the back, I'm not there to give you a hug, but boy if I were, I'd give ya a big one. You know it will be rough going Lora, read up in Recovery, and be prepared. Don't push him into counseling, you know he will balk. Just be yourself, the one he really always loved...we all knew it...what's her face was never anything but a toy to him, and he was weak and stupid. I'm glad you are the most patient person I know, as you will need to rely on that in the next few months. I am soooooo very very proud of you. my e mail addy is: azcookfam@uswest.net. let me know how it goes. Tell Jo to write an update...I'm dying to know what that girl is up to.<P>thank you COOKER...you have always said just the right thing to me at the right time, and I mean always. We are going to be ok, we got smart here at MB. Why is this making me so sad? Thank you for all of the encouragement and for never making me feel like a failure.<P>Magnolia...thanks, some of us here that have "moved on" feel kinda funny coming here and talking about our new relationships...our new lives. The Harley's must be wonderful people to understand that even those of us that couldn't restore our marriages need a forum. Pass on my thanks.<P>Orchid...thanks for taking the time to post. I was expecting flames, or a lecture at least, and get all of this support. I guess in these times we live in we have to accept the way things are, it's not a big shock any more to have families break up like this. Isn't it funny, that we, the betrayed are the ones feeling so much guilt? You are right to not rush into a relationship. I'm glad I met someone wonderful, but it would have been better for us if I had met him a year from now. You will too, and man, are you going to dazzle him.... thanks...Allison<P>Dana...you were the first post I read here on MB...just after your H had left on Christmas. You had a different name then. It's a had decision whether to date or not...you kind of have to make a real turn-around in your head about what is right or wrong...especially if you've been doing MB and any dating while married is WRONG-0! I don't want to sit here and justify it, because I do know that it's wrong in a lot of ways, but man, it feels good to be wanted again. Continue to heal and help others as you did me Dana. <P>whew...man I talk too much.<P>Allison