Have sort of a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about this. Sorta makes it all too real. The thought has crossed my mind a few times today to just call and cancel but it is only consult. I just want some information for when STBX does file. Still, I should never have had to do this. This is information I could live without. <P>Also discovered today that I need to recaulk the shower. Just one of those things that I've always had to do. I can do it but just once it would be nice to have someone else say I'll take care of that. SIGH....how nice to have a man about the house who would actually do some things about the house. Oh well, Home Depot here I come.<BR>

Hi HopeAZ,<P>I went for a consultation also about 3 months ago. Wow. Retainer fee $2500.00 just for starters. He was good, but CA laws are not in my favor. Too many woman's libbers didn't think about guilty party vs innocent victims. CA only makes settlements based on standard equations. No feelings just the equation 'mam. <P>Next I took a walk through the local family courthouse. The last time I was there was with H to get our marriage license. Sure don't remember all the crying and waling that I heard this time. I could not walk through that courthouse without crying. So much pain listening and watching various couples with their individual lawyers sit in little cubies outside the courtrooms negogiating their lives away. <P>This was just to get the forms to ask for the files to submit the petition to ask for a courtdate to file more forms to ask for a divorce to see a judge who will review the files and the forms to grant a trial date to grant the divorce. It was painful. This time I was with my little one and I held onto him so tight. <P>Meeting the lawyer was actually easier than going to that courthouse. H wanted to go the cheaper way, there is no painless way. I just wanted to know what it felt like to go through the motions. Boy it was hard, H threatened to do it but has yet to follow through. Don't know if he even could but he can't afford a lawyer either. <P>It is good to know what options you have and how the system works. For all that pain, I am glad I did check things out. When or if it does happen, I am somewhat prepared. <P>Have courage. You have friends that care and will support you through this process. Let H do the dirty work. I think caulking the shower is much easier than walking through the courthouse. <P>L.

(((HopelessinAZ)))<P>I know that sick pit feeling. Just keep in mind that you are only there for information!!! Your H hasn't filed, and for every WS that has actually taken that step, theres probably half a dozen WS's that just talk alot.<P>Mine was one of the "talks alot". He threatened me with ALL kinds of things. Never did a thing about it.<P>In fact <giggle> I found an email btwn him and OW. She chewed him out viciously for using his bonus money for buying himself a car (which he desperately needed, his old one was dying) instead of hiring a lawyer to divorce me! <P>Even now, if I were to stop the proceedings, he'd go along with me. He never really wanted a divorce. Unfortunately he doesn't want to be married either. But mine has deeper problems. Maybe yours is one of the recoverable ones!<P>Once you get your questions answered and get the information you need, you'll actually feel better. Your H will not have the power to scare you anymore. Facing your fears and talking reality at them is always the best way to handle them!!<P>((hugs)) BR<P>Orchid, going to the courthouse was a fantastic idea. I think I'll do the same, just to get ready for it. BTW, my retainer was 5k!

Hopeless,<P>I know the feeling also, but you need to protect yourself. I know what its like to be married to someone who has no pride or concern for the house. I had to do a lot myself too. The only good thing is I don't really need a man around here, but I do want one again, there's a difference. However, there are times when I need one too, thats when I try to find out how to find happiness on my own.<P>The lawyers is going to be painful but you can do it! Hugs, Dana

I went last week. Felt like crap when I walked in. While waiting, I dicided that I needed to do what is best for me. Found out a lot of good info and I felt a lot better when I came out. Hope all goes well.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>Love, Bill

I know it isn't the easiest thing to do. It will probably be one of the most difficult things to do. I will be going through this in a couple of weeks myself. My lawyer is filing for me the first week in May and I am nervous. I have to tell my husband sometime soon about what I am doing. I think he at least deserves to know before the papers are filed. I think the Lord gives us only what we can handle. Just remember, that you are doing what you are doing to ultimately be happier in your life. I wish you the best of luck in your situation. Your heart will lead you to the right answers.<P>LA<P>

I am now with the 5th lawyer I saw in the last year. They are all different. AS you seek information, also FEEL IF you are comfortable with this person. Lawyers are a dime a dozen. <P>Information can not hurt you and no one but you needs to know what you are doing. I was arming myself for protection when I first sought the lawyer. My present lawyer is a female, been thru divorce and a Christian woman. I feel comfortable wiht her. She teaches me about the process and she even cried in the office with me. She understands the pain. She doesn' t have a big fancy office but she is good.<P>I leave in 1/2 hour to go see her.<P>Hopelessmom

Good Luck with everything today and please write back with how things went. My prayers are with you.<P>LA

Well I came home in tears. I heard what I knew I was going to hear. I am at the mercy of my husband basically. All I can hope for is the best. <P>Now I live in limbo land for awhile, waiting for him to file. Her only advice was not to wait too long and file if I think that he is sucking money out of the accounts. <P>Not only am I losing my marriage I am potentially going to lose everything else. I know don't focus on that just on myself but sometimes it is damn hard!!! I don't really like what I see in my future right now.

Hopeless:<P>DO NOT take everything THIS ONE lawyer said as hard core reality. Maybe that lawyer was right, maybe not. I interviewed 4 or 5 different lawyers, and each one had a different take.<P>It was the one female lawyer (I sometimes wonder if that was a factor in her attitude) that I saw, that told me "Sorry honey, you better grow up and get a job..."<P>I came home in tears just like you, thinking that my H got to run off, have an affair, AND leave me with no support and 3 kids.<P>Fortunately, I kept reading, kept researching NJ law. AND I talked to more lawyers. Right after I talked to the the female lawyer, I spoke with another attorney that had exactly the opposite story. This attorney's retainer was 10k, and his fee was $400 an hour. He told me right off the bat that I couldn't afford him, and that I needed to hire someone else. Then, he spent an hour with me talking about my situation, and gave me alot more hope.<P>I finally hired a lawyer that I "clicked" with. I found him via recommendation of a friend who knew that this lawyer had not been afraid to go to court and fight for someone to straighten out a very messed up custody situation. <P>When I spoke with him, he told me pretty much what I already knew from reading the law, and talking to other attorneys. His advice and attitude were MUCH more in align with that super-expensive lawyer. <P>And what really made me decide to hire him was that he seemed very compassionate, very outraged, and willing to fight for me. He flat out described himself as a 'shark'.<P>He was completely unlike the other lawyers who basically yawned - jaded from seeing dozens of cases like mine, and were basically unwilling to take care of me. It was clear from the initial interview that they wouldn't be doing much more than filing paperwork, and telling me to settle.<P>Now, when I was lawyer hunting, I was in possession of some pretty damning emails btwn my H and his OW about how to hide income from me, and basically screw me over. I *needed* a shark.<P>At this point, my relationship with my stbx is pretty cordial. We had dinner together the other night with the kids, and he spent one night here last week. So I might not need a really agressive attorney anymore...but I sleep well at night knowing that if I need him, I have him.<P>Don't give up, keep talking to lawyers, keep looking for one that will fight for you, and keep educating yourself!!!<P>Btw, have you checked out <A HREF="http://www.divorceonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceonline.com</A> ?<P>They are a pretty savvy bunch of people over there, they might be able to give you some insight into your situation.<P>(((hugs)) BR

Hi there,<P>I did the same thing. Walked into the court to get the paperwork to do it myself. Cried going up the steps, cried standing in line, cried talking to the very nice lady, cried filling in some forms and cried on my way out.<P>I don't think I have ever felt so miserable in my life.<P>Then I walked down the stairs, it was a beautiful day, the river was right there and I just thought to myself, well, if this is the way it has to be, so be it. I still felt miserable, but I didn't feel so overwhelmed any longer. I had faced it.<P>My lawyer is a bit of a drop-kick, can't spell, and is quite rude. But I didn't hire her to be my friend. I just want her to settle everything for me.<P>Anyway, I hope you get some peace through all this, and everything gets settled quickly and as painlessly as possible.<P>take care, and big hugs<P>Jo

I can read how difficult it was for you, but now is the time you have to be strong. You have to remember that you are doing this to ultimately be happier in your life. Remember that your true friends and family will be supportive of your decisions and that you have GOD on your side. It is hard now, but as time goes on you will get stronger and life will lend you happier days. Keep your mind focused on the other things in your life that keep you happy. Treat yourself to something special and remember you have everyone here to share your times of frustration and sadness and even those days when you feel good. You gotta keep living life. My prayers are still with you.

I just did my research without consulting a lawyer and I found out some good things! This helps me but I will see a lawyer just in case.<P>I wanted to give you all this link as a FYI...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.divorcenet.com/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcenet.com/index.html</A> <P>K

I'm new to this board and this is my first post. <BR>I also had a consultation with a lawyer this week and am expecting my husband to file any time now. This has all come about because of his affairs...he is once again seeing his second ow (as he has for most of the last year).<BR>My H also was fairly useless around the house..just didn't WANT to help with routine maintenance so didn't feel compelled to do so. This was one of the "big" problems in our marriage and he still resents that I used to get angry with him for not helping!<BR>Manya

Dear HopeAZ & Manya,<P>HopeAZ,<BR>Wanted to see how you are doing today. Maybe we can chat a bit tomorrow. There are a lot of folks thinking about you and your family. <P>Take Care.<P><BR>Hi Manya,<P>Welcome to the Marriage Builders Site. You are on the Divorcing/Divorce site. There is a Welcome introduction from NSR that can be made available to you if you can post your story. This will give you valuable information on how to get the best use of this site. <P>I am sorry you have to come under the conditions you described. I hope some of the information you learn here will be able to help you rebuild your marriage. At the very least, it will help you be a better and stronger person. Under the guidance of many who were here before me, I have learned to cope with what seemed to be impossible odds. You can read about our various profiles and maybe find how some have dealt with similar situations. <P>There are many avenues of assistance. The phone counseling service provided by the Harley's, write-ups here, the questionnaires along with the books like His needs/Her needs, Surviving an Affair are just some of helpful guidelines. We have learned to not give up hope just because it looks like we should, also how to better understand our mates who may be lost in the proverbial fog. <P>Again, welcome and we look forward to your participation here at MB. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Manya,<P>Welcome. So sorry that you are having to go through this terrible time as well.<P>Please post your story. We all want to get to know you and help you in anyway we can. Ultimate goal is to save your marriage but if your situation is like mine you are being given no chance or hope of reconciliation. There are lots of great people here who will be here to support you.<P>Take Care.<P>Orchid,<P>Not much happens during my week with him being away. I will post some thought tomorrow morning. Meanwhile I'm off to have some fun on the mega thread.

Well, I'd rather re-caulk a shower than see a lawyer...<P>I was sick to my stomach too. I was also utterly amazed at how easy it is for her to break up the family and end our marriage. If there aren't any custody or settlement issues (we did our own Sep. A.), it's easier than re-fiancing yoour house. I was absolutely disgusted when I left.<P>And I'm not sure whether I miss the romance/intimacy or just having someone else to do the laundry or the dishes once in awhile It sure would be nice to have a little help around here to...<P>But on the bright side, I hear Home Depot is popular around the ladies on this board for trolling for guys, so I may have to start hanging out there. I'll be in the tile section, then the appliance section, then the bathroom remodeling section, then the gardening section. If you miss me there, just look for the guy backing a Penske truck up to the loading dock It's going to be a busy summer!<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I have yet to see any trollable guys at my Home Depot. But I'll be watching for that Penske Truck!!<P>As for me I do miss the romance/intimacy part. Not just the physical but mostly the mental part. That had been missing for awhile for me. Nothing I said or had opinions on seemed to matter much. He would talk and talk about himself but when I opened my mouth he just tuned me out. <P>Part of me really just wants to get this whole thing over with. STBX hasn't filed yet but I think once I provide him with my numbers for SS and CS he will be off and running. <P>Boy, glad I have a spin class this morning I need the outlet. I will be visualizing a long ride with all my MB friends along the VA countryside. <P>