Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
As many of you know my stbx and I live in two seperate states since Aug 2000 (military move). Since the birth of my son in Nov. 2000 we both have been very civil with one another. Fortunately, we have been able to salvage part of the friendship we once had, however it took us (mostly me, being that it took me awhile to accept his decision to leave) a long time to get to this point. <P>I always knew that he cared about the kids. He calls them regularly (even speaking with our 5 month old) and helps out a lot financially. Today, he recieved the updated pictures that I sent of the kids taken for Easter. He called me and was in tears. I actually couldn't believe it. But then again, I can. I know he loves the kids, just not me. Anyways, i tried to tell him that soon we will be in a better position and we'll be able to make better arrangement as far as visitation.<P>He's coming to visit in May. Actually he'll be getting here on the 13th, I think that's a Sunday and he'll be staying for a week. He asked was it okay if he stayed here on the couch, or if my Boyfriend<B>(being sarcastic, because I don't have a boyfriend, 10 months of celibacy and counting)</B> would mine? I just said whatever to the boyfriend comment and told him it was fine for him to stay here if his girlfriend didn't mine. Then he said that he didn't have a girlfriend and that women were nothing but trouble. Again I just said, whatever. <P>Somehow, I can't remember how, I asked him in a round about way, when was he filing. I think he said something about marriage in the future. ANd I said, well you may want to get divorced from your first wife before doing that. And he started to laugh a little. Then I said, when are you doing that anyways? He said "I don't know" and changed the subject to something else. I think I ask him to file when he gets here. I rather all the papers be done here, since it'll be easier for me.<P>I don't know what to make of my stbx. We've been getting along better than we have in years. He told me that he mailed me a Music CD that he made, that he knew I would like and sent it today. Yesterday he asked me did I have a handsfree mic for my cell phone and when I said no, he said that he would buy me one. <P>It's weird we joke around a lot and laugh and yet I think we are both numb to the pain and hurt we caused one another. I think we are both comfortable with our current lifestyle. Just the other day a female answered his phone, I paused at first, but politley asked for him and she proceeded to tell me he was at work. Now here's the when it gets weird. At first I felt "something" maybe a tinge of jealousy but I really can't describe what it was I felt. But then when I got off the phone. I said to myself, well I hope I didn't get him in trouble with whoever this woman was. SO I called his job and I said to him that I wanted to give him a heads up that I called his house and that he maybe questioned when he got home and I didn't want him to be unprepared. Just as he was explaining that it was his sister, I started recieving another call on the other line, and it was his sister, saying that she didn't recognize my voice and when she hung up with me she looked at the caller Id and saw that it was me.<P>I really don't know why I am analyzing this. I guess I'm just wandering how's the visit going to go and if I'm making a mistake by letting him stay here. Or should I go somewhere else and let him stay here with the kids. We've come along way as far as not arguing and being able to communicate and I would hate for anything to go wrong.<P>I know I rambled, but any thoughts?????<P> <P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited April 23, 2001).]

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600
Hi Jamie Lee,<P>Good to see you out and about. I was hoping you were still here. How are the kids doing?<P>I got a sense of something from your post, but I can't quite put a finger on it. The being away from home and the kids is tough, and lonliness is everything it is cracked up to be. For both of you. <P>I guess what I want to ask is, is this an opportunity to do a kindness? But then I get something like is this an opportunity to risk doing a kindness? One just can't predict results.<P>In his shoes, I would be hoping that you follow your heart, whether I deserved it or not. Yep, I still have a selfish side to me; that shouldn't be attributed to him. Anyway you do this, there is going to be an emotional price to pay.<P>Got a feeling you will make the right choices.<P>Bumper<P>

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
Hey Bumper,<P>Yes I'm still here, always lurking and replying here and there.<P>The kids are great. They are everything to me, you know! <P>One reason that I would let him stay is because it's a waste of money, plus he if he did, he won't be able to spend as much time with the kids. And if he took them there, it wouldn't be feesible (sp?), at least not for the 5 month old.<P>I think we'll do okay. He'll stay in the living room on the pull out sleeper and the kids and I in our respective rooms. I know I work at least 4 of the days he'll be here and on the days I'm off, I'm gonna try to go out with some friends. <P>I do plan on asking about the divorce though. It's been forever since we discussed it. Like I said before, it seems like the both of us are comfortable with our current situations, but I don't know if we're both just scared to make that final move or what!!<P> But anyways, thanks for responding!!<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
Hi Hon,<P>Well, after reading this... do you want him back? Because it sounds like he's cracking a bit...<P>Let him stay ONLY if it's what you want... he IS still your H, so if you want him to stay, then do it.<P>Just be careful... you always seem so strong and yet, so vulnerable, to me...<P>Hugs, Sheryl

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Jamie,<P>Gonna second Sheryl's question. I sit here and read your post and I see two people finally understanding each other. Two people who are learning to be friends. Two people who love their children.<P>Is it possible that I am seeing two people with the potential to fall in love again??<P>I would make one recommendation to you. Before you decide to go out with friends and let him have the kids, why don't you ask him if he needs that sort of space with the kids? I have two reasons for saying this.<P>1. The children are not used to him and he isn't used to them. It may scare them a bit, especially if Mom isn't around.<P>2. He and they just might enjoy their time together more if you were part of it.<P>So do a little POJA on this one OK?<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
Ditto NB and JL!!<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
Sheryl<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>do you want him back? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I can't answer that with a yes, but nor can I really say no. Like I've said before I've accepted the fact that our relationship was/is over and have become quite comfortable with my life with my kids and I. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Because it sounds like he's cracking a bit...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think this is just about the kids, not me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>you always seem so strong and yet, so vulnerable, to me...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is true.<P>JL,<P>I agree that we are learning to be friends and yes we both do love are children equally. This I don't doubt.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is it possible that I am seeing two people with the potential to fall in love again??<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For some reason I do have doubt that he will ever love me in "that way" again. I can't and I won't say that it isn't possible for me though.<P>The other points you made I also agree and I think I'll take your advice.<P>Bill,<P>thanks for dropping by, I hope all is well. Sometimes I think to myself how amazing it is how all of you guys have come to know me so well.<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited April 25, 2001).]


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (BuckeyeGrad), 166 guests, and 111 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH, Itstiffanyluv2u
71,769 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,562
Posts2,322,996
Members71,769
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5