Well , the other day my middle kid, 3, said to me that she has 2 moms. I said what. I have 2 mommies. I said no you only have 1 mommy. Okay, I have a mom and a step mom. Because I have 2 families. So I asked oldest , 5, what? She said well , when Daddy and Mrs. X get married, we will have a step mom. <P>Well, I had a conniption(?) I left voice mail on H phone telling him how dare he etc.<P>He called back angry at me for accusing him of telling the kids this. He and OW wouldn't do such a thing. We don't even show affection. I said well, that is what is in their heads now, that you and her are getting married.<P>Well, I'm not. I'll probably never get married again. I'm not even divorced yet. Well,l I wanted to say, you are acting like you are married, you live with this other person, you hang out , eat meals with her, her kids you and our kids. What else is a family. Why wouldn't your kids think that youre getting married. He truly doesn't get what he is doing to his kids, her kids, her and himself and of course, last but not least, me. <P>he already hurt OW #1 and her daughter and possibly her 18 year old son. If he doesn't marry this woman, and leaves, what happens again to all those people involved. He doesn't see his destructive path and HE IS IN COUNSELING. I want to call him counselor and say, Hey, Help this man to help his kids. But I guess, that is just me. I think that way and he apparently doesn't.<P>I bawled when my kid told me daddy was getting married. It hurt. I let all the tears out and spoke to some persons and I was validated in my feelings about what a crazy person he was and I was okay and I still needed to protect my kids. I need to be the stable one, the adult, the one that will be there no matter what. That is a big job. I guess I fear that too. I fear having to deal with him for the next atleast 15 years of my life. I don't want to fight and bicker, but how not to when you have such totally opposing views of the best interset of the kids. I say, living with a whore and her family is not good. He says good family enviornment. Pretty opposite. But the good thing is that they pray at each meal. LOL<P>I am reading Dobson's book for the 5th time. I haven't read it in awhile. I am married to a trapped, selfish, immature man who only knows how to care for himself. I kind of always knew he was immature but only recently last 2 years have a I really noticed the selfish thing. Trapped and freeeing himself I see now.<P>It is interesting because He was the big pursuer in our relationship. I never really wanted him. He was younger that I. But I eventually, loved him. I matured at looking at others. Not looking for mr. perfect anymore then. that is what I mean, not that I settled. <P>Part of me wants this all to be over, me move on to a new house, new life, find a new man and get married and live happily ever after. Dreams.<P>I guess I just needed a vent.<P>Hopelessmom

Being the adult all the time really sucks. I'm always running around doing damage control and justifying my wifes actions to our children. "Mommy's just having a bad day, she didn't mean that". She is running around doing whatever the hell she wants and I am the one who tucks my children in everynight. <P>You know I see that my wife is out enjoying everything. I start to feel sorry for myself and wonder why all the destructive behavior. Then I look at our children. My wife has and will miss out on so much of their lives, because she's staying busy and doing what she wants.<P>When our children need comfort, they come to me. When our children need love, they come to me. So who wins in this situation, ME.<P>Just another perspective for you to look at.<P>Love, Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

hopelessmom,<P>I hope you don't mind my posting here - while I don't have any kids, I have had the opportunity of watching my niece and nephew grow up in a troubled environment. You see my sister has had many psychological problems since she began having children. She went as far as to accuse many of our extended family of child molestation - only to recant those accusations years later.<P>In any case, my parents have basically raised her children for her. While they still live with my sister, they are accustomed to spending weeks/months at my parent's house. What amazes me is how the children try to "put things together" in their own minds about what is happening in their family and to their mom and dad. Unfortunately sometimes the childrens' reasoning and rationalizing leads to some big problems for the adults. <P>I have witnessed events that were later twisted by the children, not necessarily so they can "get their way" but rather because they just don't understand what is happening when something occurs. They then go to my mom (their grandma) who takes it the wrong way and confronts my sister. Arguments break out and the adults lose touch with just where the information is coming from.<P>Several times I have stepped in to try and bring peace, explaining how the children heard part of a conversation and took it to mean something entirely different.<P>What I am trying to say here is sometimes we forget that what is coming out of our childrens' mouths is coming from an immature mind - A mind that has not yet entirely formed and often can not deal with serious "adult" issues. Sometimes you need to listen to these children with a "grain of salt" and understand that they may have not "heard" exactly what they are repeating.<P>I don't know your story. Maybe your husband and the OW have said these things to the children. But maybe, just maybe the kids took it upon themselves to try and figure out where they are headed and what is going to happen to their parents. If that is a possibility, then the phone call you made to your husband may just have been about your own anger at him and might not have been about that paricular incident? Maybe?<P>From the stories I have read and heard about children going through a parent's separation and divorce, it seems like the ones that do the best are the children whos parents explain what is going on in a way that they may understand - not explaining everything that is happening, but rather just enough so they know what is going on. And from there on the parents do their best to show their children love and never put down their spouse in front of them.<P>I am in no way saying that you have done or not done any of the above. Having just gone through the whole thing with my wife, I know how tough it was just for us two and I thank God that there were no children involved.<P>I pray for you and for your children (and for your husband).<BR>Take care and God Bless,<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

HopelessMom,<P>DanaB gave me some great wisdom not too long ago about dealing with stupid stbx's and OW and kids...it was extremely thoughtful, insightful, and above all, helpful. I'll see if I can find the link to it and repost it - but you can also do a search in the last 15 days or so - the title was something like "DanaB and others who've dealt with OW and your own kids."<P>My own daughter said OW's daughter mentioned Daddy and OW were going to move in together...how come Dad didn't tell me? (Daughter's question to me). After I fought the urge to throw up, I said "Did you talk to your dad about it?"<P>I've decided I need to learn to not "fix" his problems...he can shoot himself in his own foot with my kids - they're smart enough to figure it out. I can't protect them when they're with him anyway, so all I can do is encourage them to tell him how they feel.<P>Good luck and don't let it eat you up - because it can.<P>Lisa

((((Lisa)))) Thank you for the comments <P>((((((Hopeless))))))))<BR>I'm able to relate to a few things on your thread. First off, my ex, also said "I may never marry again". I wouldn't put an ounce of thought into that either way, because its still too soon for him or even people like you and I to really make that choice completely. But my 3 year old daughter is also confused now. Ever since ex and OW DID get engaged.<P>The other week, my daughter said mommy, Laura said I'm her baby. Now I keep calm about a lot of things, and I told her, no you are MOMMY and DADDY's Baby. Laura's baby is xxxxxx. You will always only have one real mommy and one real daddy. Thats it.<P>Well she must have been talking at daddy's because she came back the next weekend with dad and OW and said, mommy, daddy said I'm all 3 of your baby. I was NOW furious. But I waited to confront H about it after we had some privacy. <P>I explained that I am NOT happy with this and he needs to stop playing this game. If he and OW want a baby, then go get your vasectomy reversed and make one with her, but your not playing house with mine. <P>He was upset and it has since passed for the moment, but its a tough situation. My oldest girls are 10 and 8. They are old enough to know, but the younger ones, are confused.<P>All we can do is be patient and kind to the children and not let them feel tension when this hurts us. I have let that happen once and now my kids have a loyalty issue between me and exH. My oldest d, who supposedly hates OW, had her picture taken with her and came home with it. I was trying to show no emotion but my d caught on. Kids are smart...too smart!<P>If it makes you feel ANY better, I feel the same way and share the same dreams as you. I was even on the right path for a while, but I seem to be off course at times too.<P>I now have to talk to the kids counselor to help learn to react a little better because my expressions give it away too quick! HUGS, Dana<BR>

Hi Hope,<P>It is ok to vent. Now step off of his conflict avoider rollercoaster and work with your kids. Here is what I mean. <P>Your H thinks that just because he does not say anything, your children will not think anything. WRONG!!!!!!<P>As calmly as possible (maybe in an e-mail or letter), let your H know that your children are coming to conclusions based on H's actions. Let him know you have not put this idea into their heads. <P>I had to do that for H. He said he would possibly marry OW then said he would not. In the meantime our son (who has never seen OW) came to the conclusion that he did NOT want another mom. Joel even went so far to say that if his dad did get married, Joel would be mad at him for a long long time. <P>Where did he get this idea? From the fact that his dad moved out. <P>Our children are not stupid. They have minds and can draw conclusions on their own based on what they see, hear and feel. So do we. <P>Fogheads think that by not saying, they can do whatever they want. WRONG!!!!! <P>You and your children are not in the fog. Your H should be made aware that how he is being viewed regardless of what he thinks. <P>I did that to H, he balked at first, then it began to sink in. Took about 3 months. <P>Keep talking with your children. Try to see how they are reasoning and why. Help them straighten out misconceptions if you can, defer to H when you can but don't deny it if they are right on target. You don't want them to think that you are lying to them also. <P>My son was quite about his thoughts until I asked for them. Now he volunteers a little more but we still talk at least twice a week about how he feels. His attention span is very short. He will blurt out a sentence or two then quickly change the subject. It used to be more frequent, now it is going down a bit. <P>My son actually said he would like to go and get another dad if his dad does not want us anymore. Big blow for H when I told him that one. <P>Our son even went so far as to write a letter to his dad. I only helped with the spelling. The thoughts were his and were very direct. This also went to H. <P>I hope this helps. I feel for you since this is what I went through also. <P>Take Care, I think you have my e-mail address, write if you want and maybe we can talk. <P>L.