I haven't posted for a long time, but would like opinions. Summation: Divorced 3 yrs ago after 29 yrs. Ex left me for OW whom he still lives with. They got engaged last yr {she does not have ring], but no date has been set. Last June ex refused to speak with me concerning one of our kids, stating he would never hear the end of it from OW if she found out he spoke to me. I did contact him again in Jan when I was having some minor problems with daughter and he did agree to meet me for lunch. It went much better than I expected and he actually said he would like to do it again. We have met a couple of times since to talk about children, and the last time he said he used the children as an excuse to meet. We even shared a piece of cheesecake-big step from scene last summer. He even called to tell me how nice I looked and sent an email saying he would share cheesecake with me anytime. I was starting to get hopeful, since I never wanted divorce in the first place. In a couple of our lunch conversations, he stated he had gone to counseling, and that OW is very jealous of me and anyone he is around, male or female. He commented twice that there was no way he would marry her the way she is now. Again, this makes me feel hopeful that things are turning around. All but one time, OW has been out of town when we have met. 2 days ago, OW's mother died of long illness. Ex was on first plane to be with her--he called house,prior to leaving, but spoke with daughter to make arrangements for her to care for their dogs for extended period. Seems after funeral, he is flying to Calif for several days for his job, and then on to his parents for vacation. OW will now be able to join him. He did not ask to speak with me and assumes 17 yo daughter will take care of their house for approx 2 1/2 weeks. This sounds strange, but I feel I was starting to become the OW in my ex's life-I think I was reading way too much into our lunches. As much as I wanted my marriage to be restored, I am not going to be the backup woman. Does all of this sound crazy? I have already made up my mind there will be no more lunches alone with him.

Why not? Reconciliation has to start somewhere. You could never be the OW, because that would require that the current relationship with his OW be a valid one. A relationship that begins as an affair can never become valid under any circumstances.

xxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:58 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

db,<P>I began to feel that way once. There was a lot of communication and regrets and yet, he was still with HER so I felt I was the OW in my own marriage (this was before we were legally divorced). It was worse when we actually slept together while he lived with her.<P>After that day I decided never to do that again. I am still confused about it, but its been over a year so I try not to think about it.<P>If your thinking of reconciliation , then it does have to start somewhere. And he should be talking to you about the kids anyhow. Maybe you can just think of some boundaries for yourself to make you more comfortable, like the meetings are ok, but no kissing while he lives there still. Again, I'm just tossing an idea out, you have to make your own boundaries, but I would say, if there is no physical contact, just communication, your not doing anything wrong.<P>It sounds like exH is having regrets. Maybe the fog is lifting. And what kind of engagement consists with no ring? And I suspect she is very jealous because she knows what comes around could go back around and he might do to her what happened with you. My exH's fiancee (the OW) is very controlling and jealous.<P>I don't know what the DB board is that someone was talking about, is that on Marriage builders?<P>When you and H were married, if H was sharing cheesecake with the OW, that was wrong. You are divorced now, but the mother of his kids. AND they are not married, so I don't think you've done anything terrible, but I can relate, I felt the same way at one time.<BR>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>The DB board is the Michele Weiner-Davis' divorce busting board. <P>I think the marital status of the exH is irrelevant, unless he married someone with whom he was not involved during their marriage. No marriage to an OW is ever morally valid. <P>I am not quite sure what you meant about engagements not being real without a ring - I told my H before we married that I did not want an engagement ring. I just can't see spending tons of money on a piece of jewelry when the money could be used for something useful, like the downpayment on a house or a small herd of cows. We did "splurge" on wedding rings, at $70 each.