Hello, I have been married for a little over 2 years now and my wife wants to call it quits. The reason is that I do not meet her emotional needs. This is true. Over the four years we have ben together we have discussed me meeting her needs and I would for awhile. I would promise her that I would meet her needs and then I would I guess you could call it fall off the wagon. She has had enough of me falling off the wagon and wants to move on. I am not a great communicator and I often neglect her needs but I feel that we can work this out. Right now it is difficult to talk to her because she has her defenses up and will not even talk about trying to make it work again. Any suggestions would be appreciated.<p>

Keith,<p>You being a poor communicator should have little to do with meeting your wife's needs (except for the need for conversation). It'll prevent you from getting YOUR needs met, but that's not the issue.<p>If you want to convince your wife that you're serious, I suggest a few steps. First, I'd by "Give and Take" and "His Needs/Her Needs." Read and understand the concepts that are contained in these books. <p>Next, you've got to sit down and get a plan into place for this, and be accountable. If your issue concerning "falling off the wagon" is not meeting your wife's needs, then you must take precautions not to do that. One way is to learn to listen to your wife, and ask her to let you know when you're "failing" in those areas. If she indicates a problem, you fix it. Don't whine, defend, or get angry. Fix your behavior.<p>To be effective in meeting someones needs, you first need to eliminate the thoughtless behaviors from your relationship: the "Lovebusters". I suggest that have your wife identify your lovebusters through the use of the Lovebuster's questionnaire (on this site, and in the books). Have her share the results with you: listen and take notes (don't defend, challenge, complain...). Then the two of you should make plans to eliminate the top couple lovebusters (using the Policy of Joint Agreement).<p>Once lovebusters are gone from your relationship, I think you'll be ready to focus on the emotional needs. There are questionnaires for this too: they'll help you identify your wife's emotional needs and how she'd like you to meet them. Again, make a plan and agree to it.<p>Final bit of advice: you may be in "serious" enough trouble to need a coach or mentor to help you through this. Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders is a terrific counselor, and he has a list of counselors who use Dr. Harley's methods. I'd suggest you call him and either set up an appointment or find someone locally who you can see.

Thanks for asking the question. I am in the exact same boat. Tomorrow my wife of six years (tomorrow is our 6th anniversary) is moving out. We have been to counselors before and it was a short term fix. I don't know whether I didn't buy into what they were saying or I didn't really think there was a problem. Hindsight. Now since there is no meaningful communication, all I can do is to better myself and hope that she has a softening of the heart and realizes my genuine (yes this time it is!) desire to change. I am not only reading every available book on relationships, but am attending a counselor on my own. I wish you luck and my prayers.